Forbidden by Faith

by Negeen Papehn

  I was sitting on my bed painting my nails when I heard the familiar ping of my phone.

  1:45 I just drove by Lure and remembered the oysters we loved. Meet me for dinner tonight?

  I don’t know what changed inside me, but I suddenly needed to see him. I’d been stalling for days, worried I wouldn’t be strong enough to walk away once I heard him out. But if I truly wanted to sever all ties with Maziar, I had to eliminate any possibilities of a future with him. Before I had time to rethink my decision, I texted him back.

  12:00 Okay. What time?

  * * *

  12:01 7:30?

  * * *

  12:02 Sure.

  * * *

  12:02 Should I pick you up?

  * * *

  12:02 No. Will meet you there.

  * * *

  12:03 Okay…can’t wait.

  I stared at the phone, stunned that I’d just agreed to meet him. I started to feel a familiar panic rise in the pit of my stomach. Ben hadn’t contacted me since he left for Minnesota. It had been five days. I knew it was a bad sign, but we hadn’t officially broken up, and the limbo I found us in was nerve-wracking. It made me feel guilty that I was meeting Maziar, as if somehow it would be considered cheating if I was willingly in the same place as him. Although I was determined to use this encounter to separate myself from Maziar once and for all, I was scared my defenses would be weak against his kryptonite.

  I ran out of my room and found my parents sitting on the couch, Dad with his most recent book on one end, Mom with her magazine on the other. Her legs were stretched out toward him and his hand rested on her ankles. They reminded me of an old black-and-white photograph, making me wish I had a camera to capture the moment. I startled them when I came rushing in.

  “What is it, Sara?” Dad asked, concerned.

  “I told Maziar I’d meet him for dinner tonight,” I blurted out, looking at Mom.

  “Good,” she replied, smiling.

  “You don’t think it’s a mistake? Am I only going to end up screwing myself by seeing him?”

  “Why would you be doing that?” Dad asked. “You want to see what he has to say, right? It’s just dinner and just a conversation. Nothing changes when you leave if you don’t want it to.”

  That was the problem. It sounded so simple, but what if I wanted something to change? And if I didn’t, would I be strong enough to make that choice?

  My parents spent the next twenty minutes helping me compartmentalize my feelings on the situation, arming me with the strength to stand up against Maziar’s forces.

  “Don’t get emotional, Sara. If he knows how nervous you are, he will have all the power,” Mom advised. “You always want to keep men guessing.”

  “Just remember, this is what life’s about. Falling in love, then getting your heart broken. Then doing it all over again,” Dad added. “It builds character, eshgham. You will be better for it despite how it goes.”

  Afterward, I went back to my bedroom and proceeded to continue panicking. I called Sandra and then Leyla, telling them what I’d done. They were encouraging, both agreeing I needed to see him. They were waiting on standby for my call when it was all over.

  As six o’clock rolled around, I shakily dragged myself off the bed and forced myself into the shower. I thought long and hard beneath the scalding water, trying to figure out how I felt. I was confused, my love for both Maziar and Ben tangled and twisted into a heaping mess I could no longer undo.

  I walked out into the living room an hour later.

  “You look beautiful, Sara. That red sweater deepens the brown in your eyes,” Mom said, as she wrapped her arms around me. “You’re worth the world, azizam. Don’t you forget it,” she whispered.

  “I’m nervous, Mom.”

  “I know,” she replied, squeezing me tighter. “But don’t forget, he’s just a boy.”

  He’s just a boy, I repeated to myself as I walked out the door, terrified. I slid inside my car, placing the key in the ignition. I listened to the hum of the engine bursting to life, its rhythmic purr somehow soothing my frazzled nerves.

  As I stared out the windshield, trying to gather my courage, I heard my phone ping with a message. I rummaged through my purse and almost dropped the phone when I saw Ben’s name flash on my screen. I hadn’t heard from him in a week, but it would be just my luck for things to happen in this exact order. As I sat in my car to go meet Maziar, he had decided to send me a message. The irony of it was ridiculous.

  7:10 Hey. Sorry I haven’t called. I’m not ready to talk yet. I wanted to check in on you though.

  I didn’t want to respond. I didn’t want to tell him I was going to see Maziar. It was hard enough to deal with tonight as it was, but having to own the guilt over how it made Ben feel was something I wanted to evade at all costs. At the same time, I knew that avoiding him would make things worse. I’d been so wrapped up in meeting Maziar that I hadn’t thought much about Ben. I decided to respond but stay as vague as I could, in hopes he wouldn’t question me further. I didn’t want to lie.

  7:13 I’m doing okay. Are you good?

  * * *

  7:15 I’m okay. Been with the family mostly. Going out with some friends in a few minutes but I wanted to text you first.

  * * *

  7:16 Thanks. Have a good time with your friends.

  * * *

  7:18 Thanks. Talk soon?

  * * *

  7:19 Sure.

  I waited another few minutes to see if any more messages came through, but they didn’t. I knew his disinterest in my whereabouts wasn’t a good sign, but I couldn’t spend tonight stressing over it. I already had an impossible task in front of me and I needed to focus on one life-altering event at a time. I pushed Ben to the back of my mind. For now, I needed to make it to the restaurant and deal with Maziar.

  I walked in twenty minutes later, glancing around the room in search of him. I described him to the hostess and she walked me to the back corner, toward a booth I couldn’t see from the door. There, sitting on the bench facing me, was Maziar.

  His black sweater accentuated the deep, dark pupils of his eyes, in contrast to the honey hues of his irises. I was mesmerized for a moment, forgetting how to breathe. He stood up hesitantly, moving toward me. There was a lapse in my reflexes as my senses were overwhelmed by his proximity. He took it as an invitation to move in farther. Before I knew what was happening, he had his arms wrapped around me.

  In those few seconds he held me, all my senses came alive. I was fiercely aware of his hand resting on my lower back, the electricity burning through my skin. He had pulled in close and I could feel the rise and fall of his chest as his breath made my hair sway. And his smell. I was intoxicated by the fragrance of his cologne mixed in with the scent of his body.

  I closed my eyes and afforded myself a few seconds to forget where I was. I allowed myself to be transported into our past, when I was his and he was mine. My heart hurt with a pain that surprised me. It felt like an anchor was pulling me toward the ocean’s floor and I had to force myself to physically disconnect from him. He reluctantly let go, pausing a few seconds to stare into my eyes before letting his arms drop to his sides.

  “Hi,” he said.

  “Hey,” I responded, feeling as if the greeting were too small for the momentousness of the situation.

  “I’m so glad you decided to come tonight. It’s really good seeing you, Sara.”

  I stared at him, wondering why I was even here. What was he trying to do, other than ruin the life I’d been able to create without him?

  “Why?” I asked. He looked at me as if my question confused him. “Honestly, Maziar, I have no idea what’s going on right now. I can’t figure out why you brought me here after all this time.”

  I hadn’t expected to be so bold. I even shocked myself a little as I heard the words coming out of my mouth. The truth was that I didn’t have the strength, or energy, to toy with small talk. I needed to know what this was all about, to
gain some clarity on the twisted triangle I found myself in, and I didn’t want to waste any time.

  “I’ve wanted to talk to you for a long time,” he said, dropping his gaze, the weight too heavy to bear on his shoulders. He loosely held his fingers around his cocktail, lightly tapping the glass as he spoke.

  “At first, I stayed away because I couldn’t see you. I’d wanted to but it was too hard. I knew it would be tough for you as well. I blamed myself for how things ended. I really did want to try to make it as easy as possible for you, Sara.” He looked up at me sadly as he continued. “Then, I saw you at the restaurant. I wanted to talk to you, to tell you she meant nothing, but it seemed stupid after all that time. I wasn’t even sure if you cared.” The last came out in a whisper. I could see the pain in his beautiful eyes, as vivid as the day he had first watched me walk away from him.

  “I saw what seeing me did to you, and when you ran outside, I wanted to run after you. I just couldn’t, because I didn’t know what I would say. Telling you how sorry I was while I was with someone else just felt wrong. I kept watching the door, hoping you’d come back. Then, I saw Ben get up and go out after you. I thought the two of you were together. I didn’t want to make a bigger mess than I already had, so I left you alone.”

  The images of that night cluttered my mind as I relived the moments of my heart shattering when I saw Maziar with another girl.

  “I’ve thought about that night a hundred times, Sara, about‒if I were given the chance to do it again‒what I would do differently.”

  “What would you have done?” I asked quietly, my voice fighting around the knot in my throat.

  He reached out and held the fingers of my right hand that lay limply on the table between us. I glanced down at them, feeling a strangeness I’d never imagined I’d feel with Maziar.

  “I would have run after you. I would have talked to you, told you that I still wasn’t over you, that she meant nothing. I would have told you that I thought about you every day.” He stared at me with an intensity that stopped the air from passing through my lungs. “I would tell you how much I missed you and that every day away from you has felt like an eternity in hell for me. I’m still in love with you, Sara.”

  I had waited, for what felt like a lifetime, to hear Maziar say those words to me. In that moment, though, I realized that some things were just better left unsaid. Whether Maziar still loved me didn’t change a thing. Our circumstances remained the same. It was inevitable that we would be doomed no matter how many times we embarked on this path together. I tried to push away from my emotions, to disconnect myself from my heart and focus with my head. I’d come here tonight to end this thing that continued to linger between us. I needed to remember that.

  “What do you want from me?” I asked, unable to keep the pleading edge out of my voice.

  He took a long look at me. He held my hand tighter, realizing I was about to flutter away. His despair, like high beams, blinded me.

  “I want you back.”

  I hadn’t let myself hope he would say that to me tonight. I thought if he didn’t, the disappointment would be unbearable. I realized that hearing him say he wanted us, and knowing that it was impossible, was more than disappointing. It was utterly devastating. I slowly exhaled, no longer able to hold the sadness at bay. He reached out and held onto both my hands, desperation alight in his eyes.

  He was pleading with me to stay, to give us another chance, in the silence that was exchanged between us. I just looked at him, taking in the lines and contours of his face, memorizing them the best I could. He knew my answer before I even spoke.

  “How would we do this again, Maziar? Nothing has changed. We didn’t break up because one of us was flawed. We didn’t have a fight. Neither of us was unfaithful, or hurtful, or abusive. We broke up due to our circumstances, and those haven’t changed.”

  “Sara, please,” he pleaded, not concerned with how frantic he looked.

  I could see his pain and it just added to my own. Once again, I found myself to be the voice of reason in our impossible situation. I was the one who had to muster up the strength and walk away. I didn’t know where I would find the energy to leave this seat, let alone leave Maziar behind again.

  “Maziar, don’t do that. Don’t make this seem like this is a choice and I’m not choosing you. There isn’t a choice here; don’t you see that? Have your parents miraculously changed their minds about us?”

  “No,” he said and stared back down at the table.

  I reached out and put my hand under his chin to get him to look at me. He grabbed my palm and placed it on the side of his face, leaning into it like he used to. He closed his eyes, taking a trip back into our past, finding the comfort in me that I had once provided him. I gave him a few seconds in the serenity of our memories before I pulled my hand away, needing to sever the connection between us. I had to stay focused and I couldn’t do that with him touching me.

  “We can’t do this again. We’d only end up right back here,” I said.

  “I know.”

  A tenderness surrounded us, wrapping us in the blanket of its deception. We stared at each other, knowing we’d reached the end again. The hostess walked up to our table, stumbling to a stop when she realized she’d interrupted something pivotal. We were too lost to notice. She quietly cleared her throat, trying to get our attention.

  I blinked a few times and wiped the stray tear that had made its way past my hold. Maziar smiled at me, the kind of smile that told me that, even though we couldn’t be together, he loved me. I knew we would love each other past this moment and this day. Maybe we would love each other for a lifetime, even after we had each created futures with other people.

  He turned toward the waitress and she quickly muttered her apologies.

  “Can I get another vodka tonic, please? And a glass of wine for the lady?” he asked. I nodded. The waitress took our order and hurried away.

  “This didn’t go exactly how I’d planned,” he said, with a half-smile. “I wish there were a way to make this work. It’s just so damn unfair. What if I just disown them and walk away? I’m almost done with school. As soon as I pass the bar, I can get a job and an apartment and we could be free of them.”

  The innocence in him was comforting. But things were more complicated than that, even if he didn’t want to see it.

  “I don’t think that would work,” I answered.

  “Why not?” he asked, still desperate for a solution. He genuinely believed he could break ties with them. He loved me enough to sacrifice his world for me, but I couldn’t let him do that.

  “Well, for one thing, do you really want to never talk to your family again? That’s a tough thing to do. You don’t agree with them, but you still love them.” He was about to say something but I raised my hand to quiet him. “There would be so much you would miss. Even if you could see past the life you grew up in and the people you call home, just because you love me, I can’t be everything for you. Someday, I won’t be enough and you’ll resent me. Maybe even end up hating me.”

  “I could never hate you, Sara,” he whispered.

  “I can’t take that chance,” I said wearily. “I would rather be without you, knowing you are somewhere thinking of me, than be with you and see the pain and anger of losing your family when you look at me. You think you’d be fine, but no one person can be everything to another. In the end, your family would still be what breaks us up.”

  Maziar just looked at me, but I could see the fight had left him. He knew, just as well as I did, that there wasn’t much hope left for the two of us. I wanted to be happy that he’d finally accepted it, that we could both walk away now, but I couldn’t help the nagging pain that had taken over my heart. My body ached with it and I had to keep the panic from consuming me. This was really over. It played on repeat in my mind, shoving a dagger further into my heart each time I thought it.

  “Maybe we can’t be together, but I’m happy that we were once. I don’t regret
any of it, Sara. I love you. I always have.”

  I’d waited a lifetime to hear him say he loved me, but as the words left his lips, I became undone. I felt my heart shatter into tiny pieces raining around me, leaving a gaping hole where Maziar had once been. That part of me would be gone forever after I left this restaurant, and no matter how life proceeded, it could never be filled again. I would walk away tonight less of a person than I’d been when I’d walked in.

  I’d lost a part of me that Maziar would have in his safekeeping forever.

  We finished our drinks. I never asked him about the girl at the restaurant and he never asked me about Ben. We both knew life had moved on, but the details of it didn’t matter to either of us. Our war wounds had been ripped open and we were both bleeding out onto the table. We were just focusing on surviving.

  On the drive home, my mind replayed the night over and over again. Everything Maziar had said, how he relentlessly held my hand across the table, the loving embrace we shared for the few minutes before we said our goodbye. I wanted to commit every second of it to my memory, never to forget. I could still smell his cologne on my sweater, rubbed into the fabric after he held me. The smell was intoxicating, and even more so, devastating. I began to cry, alone with all the haunting memories. It broke my heart to know that I’d walked away from the love of my life and that Maziar and I would soon be a distant memory in the story of us.

  I pulled over and let myself cry. When I was done, I just stared out the window. I hurt all over, and the only person who could make it stop was driving home to the Palisades. The unfairness of life had brutally taught me lessons I hadn’t asked to learn.