by Wendy Silk
“Yeah, he does. You know that.” I took a long breath as I tried to figure out what had happened and whether the situation could be saved. “And you know my name, too. What’s up with pretending that you don’t? You know that Cici has introduced us, like, three times.” It was probably a bad idea to start off so combative, but I didn’t have time for shit like this anymore. One thing you learn in prison is that you’d better tell it like it is.
Kelly flushed. “Yeah, ok. I know she keeps trying to get us to like each other, but I have to tell you, I don’t think that’s going to happen. I don’t know what she sees in you, frankly. You guys just met, and bam, you’re spending all your time together. She’s acting weird, like something’s worrying her, and I’m sure it’s you. You know what? I don’t like you.” She looked directly into my face when she said that. Dang, she didn’t pull any punches, either.
“Um, hey. Let’s just clean this up and we’ll let you be on your way, ok?” Jorge was clearly uncomfortable with the confrontation.
“Yeah.” I’d had second thoughts about trying to engage with her about her attitude problem.
Kelly finally picked up the last of the broken muffins, shoving the mess roughly into her trash bag. “You guys are nothing but trouble. You think I don’t already know about men like you?”
Jorge spoke clearly and softly to her. “Ma’am, I’m sorry that this happened, but I’m not the one who caused it. You were going too fast, and you weren’t looking where you were going.”
“No, that’s not true.” Kelly was practically spitting with fury. “Now I have to drive all the way back down to the kitchen and see what I have that I can serve instead of these. What a complete screw-up.” She got into her car and closed the door. Before she left, though, she stuck her head out through the open window for a parting shot.
“Tim. You should keep away from Cici. She thinks you’re something special, but I don’t. All I can see here is a guy who wants to get his hands on a woman with her own business and a handy-dandy inheritance. You might think you’re making progress, but you’re moving too fast. I know there’s something about you that’s not sitting right with her. It’s never going to happen, so back off.”
“Whoa,” Jorge whistled under his breath, as Kelly drove away. “That’s a woman with some serious opinions, huh? I like a girl who says what she thinks.”
I stared at him. That his take-away from that crazy diatribe?
I shook my head at him. “That’s Kelly. She’s the business partner and housemate of the woman I’m seeing.” I couldn’t help it: being able to describe Cici with those words made me smile.
Jorge raised his eyebrows at me. “Duh. How big do you think this town is? I may live up here in the work quarters, but you know, I do spend some time down there at the tavern, just like you.”
“OK,” I mumbled. I was starting to realize that shooting my mouth off to Kelly had been stupid. I had grown up in a small town. I knew all too well how easy it was to get talked about and pigeon holed. If Kelly wanted to, she would tell everybody she knew that I was a gold digger and that I was trying to take advantage of Cici.
“Listen, Texas guy. It’s fine. Blow it off.”
I shrugged and tried to follow his advice. But a sense of worry lingered.
Two weeks later, another Friday afternoon found me and Cici on our favorite trail overlooking a steep drop to the water. We’d climbed the dirt paths on the hill above the hotel until we reached a lookout point. I’d heard from Toby Bedloe that there had once been just a bench here, and that he’d fallen over the edge and gotten stuck. Now there was a full railing installed, as well as a barrier that extended in either direction to prevent any wandering off the path.
Cici pulled me down to sit with her. We had been taking it slowly, as we had promised each other. That meant we hadn’t had sex yet. I wanted her like I’d never wanted any woman. But I knew that I wanted her for the long term, so I was willing to wait. At least, I’d thought I was. It was getting more difficult though, the more time we spent together. The touch of her hand was always electrifying to me.
“Tim, I want to talk to you about something.”
“Is it that you’ve decided we should leave all this and run away to a Mexican beach together?”
“No,” she smiled, “although maybe we should. No, this is something that’s been bothering me.”
I could feel my lips compress into a frown. I knew that Kelly was right. There was something weird about the way Cici acted with me, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. “Ok, tell me what’s up,” I said.
“It’s the fact that you and Kelly can’t seem to get along.”
“Oh, that’s not that big a deal.” I relaxed. “I mean, I understand that it’s bothering you, but it’s just something that will get better with time. She thinks we moved too fast together, because she doesn’t understand that we’ve met before.” I added, just to be honest, “Although I guess we moved too quickly then too.”
Cici laughed out loud. She grew serious again in a moment, though. “No, it’s more than that. I don’t want to be rude, but she thinks that you’re only interested in me because I have some money.”
“She actually told you that?” I knew it wasn’t Cici that I was angry with, but I couldn’t help the irritation that crept into my voice.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say. I just want the two of you to get along better.”
“Well, Cici, maybe there is something that’s a little weird about our dating. I’ve been patient, but isn’t it strange that you never ask me in to your place? You have these very specific times that you’re willing to get together with me, and you get distant if I try to call you when we don’t have plans. Is there something that you’re hiding from me?”
I was digging a hole for myself. I knew it, but I kept going.
“Cici, maybe the problem here is you don’t trust me. Maybe it’s not Kelly at all.”
She flinched. “Tim, that’s not true. I just have...some reservations about this. You know, how seriously we take our feelings for each other. Why can’t we just date, like we just met?”
“Because we didn’t just meet, and you know it. I’ve been thinking of you for two solid years, the whole time I was…”
“You were what?” Her eyes were lit with anger now. “You were what, Tim? Maybe the reason there’s something that doesn’t feel right between us is that you won’t tell me what happened back in Texas. Why did you disappear? There’s no good reason for you not to tell me. It’s just that you don’t want to.”
I looked down at the rough dirt path under my feet. “Maybe.”
Cici stood in one quick, graceful movement. Damn it, there was nothing she could do that didn’t make me want to hold her body tight against me all night long. Even when she was as annoyed with me as she was right now.
She spoke softly, not meeting my eyes. “I was hoping you’d be able to share more with me. It’s not a question of whether my friends trust you. It’s about me wondering if I can.”
And without another word, the easy companionship of our hike was over. We walked silently back down the ridge, and parted ways at the edge of the Bedloe property. When I made my way up to my little apartment, this time without stopping into the store, I was as exhausted as if I’d trekked up to Canada and back. Except I’d have trouble entering Canada, with my record.
Damn it, I was tired of feeling like I was supposed to be ashamed about the things that I’d been through. I’d come out the other side, and I was ready to lead a new life. Why couldn’t Cici see that? She had her own secrets, I knew she did. What kind of bullshit was it that she’d pretended to be so poor, when she’d really been sitting on a secret inheritance like that?
I had no interest whatsoever in her money. For crying out loud, I was perfectly capable of making my own way.
But maybe it was time to admit that she was a bit of liar, too.
Chapter 14: Cici
I woke up on Saturday morning with the sun streaming thr
ough my mullioned bedroom windows. When I was a kid, I had shared this room with my sister. We’d stayed up for long nights, whispering and giggling. When we were little, the mornings had meant more laughing and playing together. By the time she was a teenager, though, she was always grumpy in the early hours, so I had learned to tiptoe quietly from the room and let her sleep.
These days, I felt like I was channeling my sister Margaret sometimes, when my own sweet Maggie woke me too early. Sometimes, I resisted getting out of bed for as long as I could. I’d reach over to my left, to where Maggie’s crib was attached as a sidecar to my bed, and I’d pat her back to try to get her to fall asleep again. On those mornings, it was a toss-up whether she’d snooze for a little while or climb over to me and wake me up by running her hands all over my face.
Today, though, we both began the day with a cheerful attitude. Something about these sunny summer mornings was impossible to resist. Here in the Northwest, we spent all winter waking up to dark, rainy days. On a day like this, when the golden light was everywhere and the smell of my father’s roses was drifting up from the garden, nothing could go wrong.
I brought Maggie down to the kitchen, humming happily. Kelly and I had a big catering gig today up at the hotel. An older couple was celebrating their anniversary, and their grown daughter had hired us to provide the food and to serve. I was full of energy; so much so that I didn’t notice at first that Kelly looked like she hadn’t slept at all. She had lines of stress across her forehead. Moreover, she was fully dressed, and looked like she had already been outside.
“Good morning,” I said brightly, when I passed her on my way to the coffee maker.
She looked blearily at me from her seat at the kitchen table. “No, it’s not. Cici, I have to talk to you about some serious stuff.”
“Can it wait until after the party we’re working today?” I had known this was coming. She wanted to talk to me yet again about Tim. It didn’t make sense to me that she had such a thing against him, but whatever. I would hear her out, but I didn’t have to stop seeing him just because of her recommendation.
Kelly swiveled to watch me as I got Maggie’s snacks together for the bag she’d have with her at Donna’s house. “No, not those,” she instructed me. “She doesn’t like those crackers anymore. Go for the cheddar ones instead.”
I could feel my lighthearted mood evaporating. “Kelly, what’s your problem? You never used to be so damn snippy. Maggie’s not your kid, you know. She’s mine.”
Kelly recoiled, and I saw that my shot had hit her too hard. “That’s just rude, Cici,” she said. “I’ve helped you with her since she was born. Before she was born. Now you want to act like our friendship doesn’t mean anything to you?”
“Is that what this is all about? Are you jealous that I’m spending so much time with Tim because you think I’m not paying enough attention to you?” My voice had grown sharp enough that Maggie was now watching us as we argued. She didn’t say anything, but her wide eyes were taking it all in.
“No,” she muttered. “I’m not jealous, and you don’t need to try to make me feel stupid. I just think he’s bad news. Maybe I know more about him than you do.”
My temper had finally snapped. “Ok, Kelly. I’ll be sure to ask you to tell me all about my boyfriend later, all right? For now, I’m going next door to drop off my daughter at daycare.” I grumbled under my breath as I stomped to the front door. “Looks like it’s going to be a long day.”
When I got to Donna’s, I realized that I had cut the timing too close today. Usually, I was vigilant about making sure that Tim didn’t see me with Maggie. For all he knew, I was just Donna’s neighbor who popped in from next door sometimes. Today, though, I could see I’d made a mistake. Tim was already there, so he’d be able to watch me enter the building with Maggie and drop her off.
Who was I kidding? This whole juggling act was unsustainable. It wasn’t like I would be able to keep him from seeing her with me forever. I was going to have to tell him. I was, I knew that. But the mere thought of that conversation made my heart clench.
It only took a moment for me to understand that this might not need to be the day for that talk, however. Tim was engaged in urgent conversation with Donna. She nodded at me, but Tim hardly noticed me when I entered the front room. I walked Maggie back to the kitchen and passed her off easily to Kate, Donna’s helper. Maggie loved Kate and her endless crafts. My bright eyed toddler waved sweetly at me as I stepped back in to the living room to see what was going on out there.
“Donna, I think you’re making a mistake. Let me try to explain about this.” Tim’s voice was strained. He saw me this time, but barely looked in my direction.
“No, Tim, this isn’t going to work out. If I’d known...well, I don’t know what I was thinking, really. I took Grant Bedloe’s recommendation that you were a good worker, and I didn’t do the proper research. It’s all my fault.” Donna was literally wringing her hands from the stress of their exchange.
I stepped forward. “Can I help? What’s happened?”
“No, you can’t. Please go back to your house and let us talk this out without you.” Tim’s face was so still that his lips hardly moved when he spoke to me. His eyes were dull with despair and what looked like slowly building fury. I thought he might be about to turn on his heel and leave.
Donna turned to me and spoke plaintively. “Cici, I need your help here. I need you to explain to Tim that it’s not personal, but I just can’t employ him anymore. You should understand, especially.”
“You mean because I’m your neighbor? Because I’m here so often?” I added smoothly. “Tim, what’s the problem with you working here?”
He was holding leather work gloves that he hadn’t put on yet. Now he fidgeted with them, rubbing them against the side of his leg. He looked embarrassed, but also angrier than I’d ever seen him.
“It’s that Donna didn’t know when she hired me that I have a prison record.” He bit the words off tightly and then closed his lips firmly as if to let us know he would say nothing else.
My knees were so weak that I had to reach out to steady myself against the wall. “You what?” I squeaked out. He didn’t answer, though. Instead, he began to collect the tools he’d brought with him, placing them carefully in his bag. He handled each tool as if it meant the world to him, as if he would never let another person use them.
Donna was looking at me with panic in her eyes. “I just didn’t know. I’m so sorry. I only found out when Kelly told me, first thing this morning. She came over and said she had seen it on some paperwork up at the hotel. I can’t understand it. Why would Grant recommend somebody like that?” She was backing away from Tim. “I have kids here that I have to keep safe. I can’t have somebody doing work in the building who has a felony record. You need to go, Tim. Just go.” Her words had begun to speed up as her level of alarm grew.
I felt like my whole world was running together, like a painting that had been left out in the rain. Nothing looked like it was supposed to anymore.
Tim had finally picked up all his things, and he was at the front door. “Donna, I wish we’d been able to talk about this more. It was not my intention to keep that information from you. I just wanted to do good work here on your house. I’m sorry.”
And before I could say another word, before I could even step forward to try to clasp his arm and keep him from going, he was out the door. In the silence that remained, I looked down at my feet on the sisal rug, and I saw that I hadn’t moved at all. I hadn’t spoken a word to try to get him back, and I hadn’t even lifted my own hand to try to reach out to him before he was gone. What would he think? Then I realized that what he would think was the truth.
Maybe I hadn’t wanted to stop him.
My heart was racing, but I tried to remember my dad’s favorite advice. “Just breathe,” he used to say. It had helped me countless times when I was a kid. When I’d fallen off my bike, when I’d been teased for how shabby my clothes had
gotten when he stopped working when his heart disease got so bad. He had been determined to keep the house above anything else, to give me and Margaret a sense of security, so all our other expenses had been cut to the bone. The advice to take deep breaths hadn’t done me a lot of good, however, when Margaret’s wild behavior led to the death of the Bedloe boys’ parents, and then to our own father’s second heart attack.
I shook my head to clear it. I didn’t have time to think about all this now. That night when Margaret took Grant’s parents and Toby out in the car on an icy night had been the worst of my life. Of course deep breathing hadn’t been enough to calm me then. But today it could be. This was nowhere near as upsetting to me. Tim was just a guy I’d been seeing, that was all. Who happened to be the father of my little girl. Yep, that was all.
Somehow, I found the strength to nod at Donna and take my leave through the same door that Tim had just used. I couldn’t say a word to her, but she didn’t look capable of much conversation, either. Our eyes met in something resembling reassurance of each other, then that was all. I had work to do up at the hotel.
By the end of the party, Kelly and I were both so tired that we could barely speak. Of course, we’d hardly talked to each other anyway, other than the brief instructions that were needed to accomplish our work together. I was so mad at her, although I couldn’t have explained why. If she had really found out that Tim had a criminal record, then she was in the right to tell Donna. But why hadn’t she told me first?
From the perplexed looks that she sent my way all day, she wasn’t sure what had happened at Donna’s. She tried once to ask me if I had seen Tim there this morning, but I glared at her and walked away. She didn’t try again.
When we finished our work and the silent drive together back home, I was so ready to pick up Maggie that I was almost in tears. All I needed in the world was to hug my baby close to me. She’d be safe, I knew she would be. I trusted Donna. It should have made me so happy to see that Donna refused to have somebody like Tim around. My emotions were swirling, and all I wanted was my little girl in my arms.