by Flatman, NJ
Taking a bike tour of the town was one of the things that Avery and I had not done yet. It wasn’t too hot, but was still warm enough to fully enjoy it. So I had it all planned out in advance and everything went smoothly.
We had the bike for the day, so we’d taken our time riding around various parts of the city, exploring and taking photos. She snapped pictures of buildings and places that we saw every day as if she’d never looked at them before. I took photos of her. She was what I wanted to always remember. Her brown hair blowing in the wind that made its way through the buildings. Her eyes lit up with excitement. She was what mattered.
I made sure that we took a long ride down the Lakeshore trail, watching the water and discussing the boats we could see. I thought back to memories from birthday parties I’d attended and the children being asked what their birthday wish was. I’d never thought there was a point in making wishes. They didn’t really come true. But as I sat on the bike, watching Avery take a photo of Navy Pier like it was something she’d never see again, I wished like hell I had a chance to make one. I knew that if I could wish for anything right then it’d be that this never go away.
Eventually we made our way towards Lincoln Park Zoo. Both of us were tired, but neither wanted the day to stop so we kept going. I made a quick pit stop by my work buddy’s apartment. He had my basket and I needed to grab it for our picnic. I watched her eyes light up again as I made my way to the bike carrying it.
By the time we arrived outside of the zoo, it had been hours since we’d eaten and we decided to sit for a while and enjoy our lunch first. If I was asked to remember what we’d eaten, I’d be hard pressed to name anything right. It was good. I enjoyed it. But I didn’t pay a bit of attention to it.
My eyes were focused on Avery. Her hair. The way she sipped on her water. The flush on her cheeks from riding miles on a bike. The way her eyes were lit up and her smile wouldn’t fade. I watched her lips as she talked about the things we’d seen and how she’d never done anything like this. I just wanted to kiss her. I wanted to pull her into my arms and thank her for being the best thing to ever happen to me. Instead, I listened. And I sat in awe. How I’d deserved someone like her was beyond me.
What had I ever done in my life to be worthy of the love of someone like her? I’d disappointed everyone I’d ever known. Yet all I had to do was ride a bike and go on a picnic with Avery and she acted as though I’d bought her the world. I didn’t get it, but I was grateful for it. And I was terrified of it. Mostly of me fucking it up. She would see the real me. The one everyone had always seen. She wouldn’t like it. She would leave.
“What’s next Spencer?” she asked, pulling me out of my thoughts and back to her.
She was so excited. So totally amazed at the entire experience. I’d never known another woman like her. So genuine. So real. So happy.
“The zoo of course,” I smiled.
“I was hoping you’d say that!” she squealed. I’d already learned how much Avery loved the zoo. Almost as much as any child.
We cleaned up the mess from the food and locked up the bike before heading in to explore the animals and displays. She took so long looking at and talking about each thing we visited that we spent nearly four hours just walking, hand in hand, through the small place.
I’d been to Lincoln Park Zoo a million times in my life and I’d never seen it the way I saw it that day.
By the time we were done at the zoo, it was time to return the bike. I saw the disappointment on her face when she realized that it was over. What she didn’t know was that there was far more in store for the evening.
A quick trolley trip from the rental place landed us back at Michigan Avenue just as the sun was beginning to go down. Avery loved the city lights and I was planning for her to have an upfront view.
Taking her hand I led her down the busy shopping district streets, darting in and out of stores and stopping occasionally to snap photos of the two of us in front of various landmarks. Avery wanted to document everything, almost as if she wasn’t going to believe it existed until she saw it in a photograph. I wasn’t sure I’d believe it even then.
We made a quick stop at Ghirardelli for some ice cream and then I led her to our final adventure. A horse drawn carriage ride around the city. For her I knew it would be like the perfect scene from one of her sweet and romantic movies, and that was exactly why I did it.
She didn’t notice the smell of the horses or the sounds of traffic all around us. She didn’t care that the seating was uncomfortable or that the carriage moved so slowly. It didn’t even seem to matter that we were looking at the same things we’d been looking at all day.
Instead she spend the entire time clinging to my hand, her head on my shoulder, whispering often how much she loved me and how perfect this was.
“It’s like it’s my birthday and not yours,” she exclaimed as we stepped out of the carriage and I paid the man for taking us around.
“No,” I replied, taking her hand and leading her towards the closest train. “Seeing you this happy is the best birthday I could ever have.”
“Careful,” she teased. “You are starting to sound all sappy and romantic.”
“Just happy Avery,” I answered, for the first time not teasing with sarcasm and laughs. “That’s all. I’m just happy.”
“Me too,” she smiled.
The ride to her place was uneventful for the most part. Originally I’d planned to take her out to dinner, but I’d changed my mind. Stopping to grab Chinese and a movie on the way to her apartment, I told her that I’d thought maybe we could just snuggle alone and enjoy the rest of the night. She was more excited than I was about that idea.
I don’t think I actually heard five words of the movie. She was so excited from the day that she couldn’t stop talking about it. But I didn’t mind. I love seeing her happy. I loved the way she looked at me. Hell, I just loved her.
That was the thought that prompted me to lean over and kiss her unexpectedly. I wasn’t trying to shut her up, I just couldn’t stop myself. I needed to kiss her. So I did. Which led to pulling her close to me. The way I wanted her in that moment was ridiculous. I could have easily taken her right there on the couch. But I was afraid to move too fast or come on too strongly. I still wasn’t sure she wanted to take it to that level. She’d never really said anything about it.
“I— uh — was thinking,” the words were scrambling. I could hear them in my mind, but when I opened my mouth I froze. That had never happened in my life. “Maybe— I mean— if you wanted,” I felt stupid. I felt like I’d never done this before. I knew how to be smoother than that, but for some reason I just couldn’t seem to say it.
“If I wanted to what?” she pulled back from me and looked at me, her eyes full of questions.
“I could— stay,” it was the best I could do. I couldn’t figure out the right wording. Did she expect me to say make love to her? Would sex be too cheap and tacky? Was saying I want you Avery too forward? I didn’t know.
“Stay?” her eyes grew wide. “Like…overnight?”
“I don’t have to,” I replied quickly, afraid I’d upset her. “I was just saying I could. If, you know, you wanted me to.”
Her eyes stayed wide and her mouth dropped open. For a good five minutes she just sat there, looking shocked, and I wondered if I’d made a mistake. Perhaps Avery wasn’t in the same place that I was.
“Of course I want you too!” she finally squealed, breaking what seemed to be a never ending silence. “Why would I not want you to Spencer?”
“I don’t know,” I shrugged in response. “Maybe it didn’t appeal to you.”
“Oh,” she grinned. “It appeals to me very much.”
And that was how it started. I’d fumbled and invited myself to stay and she’d been surprised and happily agreed. And like nearly everything else between us, we’d never really said what we were saying. We’d talked around it, both of us understanding what was lying beneath the surface. Only t
his time it’d been my fault.
I wish I could look back and remember how I regained my composure and gave her the best damned night of her life. But I can’t. Because I didn’t. The mess I’d made in the living room was nothing compared to the one I made once we went to bed.
“Do you want to take off our clothes?” I’d asked her, sounding like a pre-pubescent boy during his first adventures with a girl.
“Isn’t that how this usually works?” her laugh had filled the room and I was happy the bitch wasn’t home to hear it. She’d probably assume it was me she was laughing at.
“It can go either way,” I’d answered, not sure why we were having this conversation.
“Do you not want me to take my clothes off?” Her eyes had suddenly dropped and I saw that look of insecurity fill them. What the fuck had I done?
“No! Yes! I mean yes I want you to,” I fumbled again. “Please don’t think that. I just— some women aren’t comfortable with —I mean — I should just shut up now.”
She nodded in agreement and began to pull the tank top she wore over her head. In that brief moment in time, she was comfortable. She was okay with who she was. She felt secure with me. And I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. I sat there on the bed and watched as she took off every piece of clothing she wore, and stood there before me.
“So,” she turned her head to the side a bit. “You going to join me, or just watch?” I heard her giggle and I rushed to remove my clothes, tossing them to the side.
“I — what do you— I mean we’ve never talked about —” I was still trying to say the right thing as I crawled into her bed with her, pulling the sheet up over us and snuggling up close. “Do you want — how do you— “
“Spencer!” she interrupted, wrapping her arms around my neck. “Shut up, kiss me and just let it happen. We will figure it out. I promise.”
For the first time she took charge and I just did what she asked. Leaning towards her, I whispered the words I’d been dying to say all day.
“I love you Avery Bradfield,” my lips met hers gently. “Please don’t ever leave me.”
Chapter 9
Turns out that you can’t just decide you want to go somewhere, walk into the airport, buy a ticket and leave. I should have known that. Hell, anyone should know that. I wasn’t a big traveler, but it would make sense. I probably did know that, but in my panic over Avery I’d let it slip my mind. So I’d rushed out and then arrived at the airport to realize that I wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon.
We ended up with a flight out of O’Hare three hours after we had hoped to be in the air. Which meant more quality time with Colby than I felt capable of handling. Our goal may have been the same, but that didn’t make us like each other any better. Only adding to the problem was the fact that we were taking our own frustrations out on each other. It was a hell of a lot easier to do that than admit our fear— our guilt. As evident by her comments.
“I can’t imagine what pushed Avery to not want to come home,” she said with a smirk. “She loves Chicago.”
“Sometimes people make rash decisions based on emotions Colby,” I offered, hoping she’d just shut up and do something else.
She was right. Avery adored Chicago. I knew this better than most as I’d spent a lot of time exploring it with her. It didn’t make any sense that she’d decided not to come back. But that wasn’t what Colby was saying. She was pointing out that I was the reason. I had pushed her away.
“Lord knows she had enough of them going on,” she continued. “Even before we left. She tried to get me to change the dates.”
“Maybe you should have listened to her?” I suggested.
I knew the conversation was only going to get uglier. Colby wanted a reaction. Two stressed people that blamed themselves and each other shouldn’t be in the same place for a long time. Especially when they already didn’t really care for the other. It was bound to lead to problems.
It wasn’t like baiting me for a reaction was difficult. Especially that day and under those circumstances. It just wasn’t a good idea. When I reacted it was generally bad for everyone involved. That would make Colby get angry and pout like she normally did. No matter what route I took this scenario was a lose-lose. Since I was stuck with her for God knew how long I would have to keep myself in check. If for no other reason than it would make the trip a little more tolerable. Since I had to spend it with the person I least wanted to be around.
“I thought some time away would help her see her mistakes,” she shot back. “Make her realize there was more to life.”
I’d touched a nerve. Colby was easy to read. Upset her and she’d react with venom. Just like she was in the airport lobby.
“Colby,” I turned towards her. “We are stuck together. We have no choice. Until we return to Chicago we are forced to be around each other. So could we stop the passive aggressive bullshit? Please? If you have something to say, say it. Let’s get it out and over with. But please stop hinting at what you want to say.”
“I don’t know what you mean?” she pretended to be innocently talking. “I was just making conversation.”
“You blame me for leaving her. You blame me when I stay with her because she spends time with me and not you. You blame me that she didn’t come home. You would blame me if she was at home and sulking over me. Hell, you would blame me if she was at home with me. You don’t like me. I get it. But can we be civil so that we can find Avery and make sure she is okay?”
She actually acted offended. The look on her face was the same I’d get if I’d slapped her. Women were like that. They didn’t mind veiled insults. They didn’t mind pretending that they were fine as they stabbed you in the gut with their comments. But if you tried even once to speak openly and honestly they would act as though you’d just said the worst thing possible about them. It wasn’t logical and didn’t make any sense to anyone but them.
“I don’t even know why you are here,” she snapped. “You left. You were the one that wanted it to be over.”
Why the hell couldn’t she just be quiet? Why did she have to keep this going? Was there a need to find the blame and the fault?
“You think I wanted this?” I found my own reaction in anger against my better judgment. “I never wanted any of this. I didn’t want her to go to South Carolina and disappear. I didn’t want her to be gone. Not really gone.”
“Right,” she argued. “You didn’t want her to be gone. You just wanted her to be sitting there, hopeless and waiting. You wanted to be gone when it felt good to be gone. But when Spencer was ready to come back by God Avery needed to be on bended knee begging him to stay.”
Her words were poison. Intended to strike at me with my own mistakes. Sinking deep underneath the surface and taking over what little remained intact. She succeeded.
“Not that it’s any of your business Colby,” I began, anger filling every fiber of my body. “And you will never believe what I say, but this is not what I want. Nothing you think of me is true. I never want her hurting. I never want to create anything in her life that isn’t happy. I shouldn’t have to explain myself to you. After all, who fucking left her alone when she needed you the most?”
“I suppose you destroy her so you can help her, right?” she replied, ignoring what I’d asked.
“You will never understand Colby. You’ve never had to understand. So why don’t you just worry about you and the things you’ve done and leave me to worry about my own shit?”
“I understand players very well,” she insulted. “Games. I know them.”
“Of course you do. You play them,” I spit out without thinking. “You are the God damned queen of games. Stop judging me and the decisions I make. Jesus Christ.”
“I’m not hurting someone over and over Spencer,” she replied, ignoring what I’d said. “You don’t even bother to see what you do to her.”
She managed to get to me. Her angry comments provoked anger. Not her intended goal. She wanted to hurt me. She n
eeded to alleviate her own pain by inflicting mine. The problem was she couldn’t get through the walls I had up. They were there for a reason. To avoid the shit that someone like her could do. Judgment and anger was wasted on me.
Those words, however, they penetrated the walls and sank deep. Avery suffering. It was a thought I didn’t need. She didn’t deserve that. Not from Colby. Not from me. Her stupid little friend was right. I’d hurt her. I’d let her down. I’d bailed on her. Then I’d left her there to cope without even making sure that she was okay.
“You’re right,” I managed the words past the lump in my throat.
“Oh my God!” she laughed, a fake and annoying laugh that I could barely tolerate. “Can you let me record that?”
“So you were right,” I admitted again. “For once. Big deal.”