by Flatman, NJ
What the hell kind of life meant packing a bag every time the addict across the wall came crashing down from the high? It wasn’t. Hell, I’d known that since I was five. Kev may be stuck on repeat, but I wasn’t. I didn’t want to relive the same tired shit until I died.
Turning onto the highway, I still wasn’t positive where I’d go. Avery’s was out of the question. No way was she going to hear my calls and know what I was doing. Surprises were surprises for a reason. That pretty much left Stu and Trev— unless I wanted to fork out a pile of cash for a motel— which I didn’t.
Stu was the call before you show kind of guy. He wouldn’t be okay if I’d just shown up at his door. We had never really understood why. There was rarely a girl over and we were the only friends he had. In fact, most days he sat there playing a variety of video games alone. But he’d always said it was just respect and manners, so we’d done as he asked. Even though I knew as soon as I asked he’d say it was fine, I still called his dumb ass to ask first.
The surprise was on me though when he didn’t answer. Damn. Boy must have went and got a life when I wasn’t looking. That left Trev— the one that didn’t give a damn if I just knocked on the door. Also the one more likely to have company and the one that lived further away. But since I was out of luck on Stu, I turned the car onto the highway and headed in his direction.
Traffic was light, making it far easier to get to his area of town. But parking near his apartment wasn’t. It never was. No matter what day or time of day I went, it always required walking at least a mile. That night it was two.
I’d never been a big believer in fate. To me, we made our lives what they were. Which was why mine had been so fucked up. I did it. But had I believed in fate or destiny, that night would have been a fine example of both.
I shuffled my feet along the sidewalk,— swearing at Kevin for making home hell and at the cold air blasting against my face and freezing my skin— wishing just one thing would work in my favor. And then it did. A huge sign was hanging in the window of an apartment, right there on Clark Street, offering an apartment for rent. It wasn’t like I’d never seen rental signs. Hell it was Chicago— they were everywhere. But I couldn’t find anything affordable and with an upfront payment I could swing.
I don’t even know why I looked at it. I never paid attention. My measly paycheck and the lack of real rental history kept me feeling like I didn’t stand a chance at getting a place on my own. Roommate situations had crossed my mind— until I remembered what anyone living with me would have to deal with. But this sign— it caught my eye.
Still early enough to be respectable, I dialed the number. I didn’t know why. The long walk. The irritation at the drugs and lifestyle that Kevin chose. A sudden urge to have somewhere that I could take Avery. It could have been anything. But it made me call.
Ten minutes later I hung up the phone with a plan and a purpose. It was a furnished one bedroom apartment. The rent was less than two weeks pay for me, the deposit could be waved in exchange for doing my own painting, and the lease was long-term. More than anything, the woman I’d spoken with had lost a mother and really didn’t want to deal with doing something with the apartment. She just wanted it to be rented so that she didn’t have to go and look at it again.
I was getting my own place. It was enough to jazz up my mood, causimg me to pick up the pace and almost run the remaining half a mile to Trev’s. I was going to have a home. Thanks in part to the extra money my father had insisted on handing me. Something I’d never tell him or thank him for.
“What’s up with you?” Trev looked at the bag I held and the smile on my face.
I told him that Kevin had other plans and I needed to make myself scarce. Being the playboy he liked to think he was— Trev winked, smiled and agreed that sometimes it was necessary. I wondered as he led me into his living room if there’d ever be a day that I’d tell them the truth. Any of them. About my family. About Kev. Hell, about me.
“You ever gonna leave college?” I laughed— pointing at the textbook he was studying from. He had just switched majors for the third time, delaying his graduation by yet another two years.
“Someday.” He stood— walking to the kitchen— and returned with a beer for each of us. “So what’s got you so happy?”
“Besides the apartment?” I asked.
“Yes.” I watched him close the book and look at me— waiting for an answer.
“I’m going to surprise Avery tomorrow.”
It seemed simple to me. Doing something special for her was one of my favorite things. And this something special was beyond anything she could have ever imagined. If the delay of having to leave the apartment earlier that day had cost me the reservation I’d made, Kevin would be dead. Lucky for me the receptionist was nice enough to let me keep it even though I was late paying.
“With what?” he asked.
“I’m taking her out of town.” I watched his face fill with surprise and knew what he was thinking.
“You rob a bank man?” the laugh that followed filled up his tiny living room. “Apartment. Trip with the girl. What the hell did I miss?”
“Just got lucky. My parents sent me some money. That’s all.”
I left it at that. Trev would never understand rejecting a trust fund. He’d never be able to fathom why I’d let all that money lie there. But he didn’t know the hells of my life either. So I would just keep both to myself.
“So where ya going?” he asked, probably only to humor me. He didn’t much care what I did for my girl.
“Trip of a lifetime buddy,” I grinned, knowing it looked cheesy. “Place called Canoe Bay. She’s going to be absolutely amazed.”
“
Chapter 15
Silence filled the car. Deafening silence. Speaking seemed futile. What was there to say? Instead my head filled with bizarre and painful scenarios. Avery lying next to that chunky monkey every night. His acne covered face pressed against hers. I hated that bastard and I still didn’t know his fucking name.
I clenched my hands into fists— a natural reaction to the anger— and tried not to punch anything. Rental cars weren’t a good thing to damage. Especially when doing so would require another call to Pops and I wasn’t about to deal with him in the frame of mind I was in.
“Calm down” Her words were quiet, but firm. She was directing me on how to act. Another fact that pissed me the fuck off. Much like her dragging me out of that bastards house before I beat the shit out of him had done.
“If I get any calmer I’d be dead.”
“Bullshit,” she answered, seeming angry at the lie.
“Fuck off Colby.”
“Spencer, you have more mood swings than a fucking teenage girl on her first period.”
“If you want me to calm down,” I snapped at her, “then quit pissing me off.”
“How Spencer? Letting you sucker punch the only fucking person we’ve talked to that has any access to Avery? Will that make you calmer?”
“Yes!”
“Well that’s not going to happen!” The car slowed and I saw the dive motel we’d chosen looming in the distance.
“I’d hoped we were on the same fucking page Colby.”
“We are!” She yelled. “We want to find Avery. We want her to be okay. This guy has seen her. Knocking him on his ass isn’t going to make him want to help us.”
“He didn’t help us anyway!”
I couldn’t take any more of her nonsense. How long was I supposed to hole up in a trashy room with her and wait? Avery was here. She was living with some loser that had money. She was off doing God only knew what. And I was supposed to do what? Sit and play tiddly winks with her bitchy best friend? Hell no. Knocking that asshole down a few pegs might have led to a better answer than he was willing to give so far.
She pulled into the parking lot, shutting the engine off and turning to me. I could see specs of darkness in her eyes. She was angry. Frustrated. Something. I couldn’t pinpoint the exa
ct emotion, but I could tell it was directed at me.
“Will you get the fuck over your jealousy? I get it. You love her. He got it. That’s why he said that. But your fucking temper is going to ruin this. We need him. Once we get to her, do whatever you’d like. Until then, control it!”
Colby opened the car door, stepping out and slamming it behind her. Had she really said that? She understood that I loved Avery? She had never acknowledged that I was anything but a player. What had changed?
Curiosity alone pulled me out of that rental car and into the motel room behind her. She was busy grabbing the things she needed to shower and didn’t even show signs of caring if I was there or not.
“I’ll try.” It was the best I had. I couldn’t make promises. Not when I wasn’t sure I could keep them. But for her— for Avery— I’d try.
“I guess that’s the best I can ask.” She sat on the edge of the bed, head turned down, and I saw tears fill her eyes.
“What happened today?” The question was burning in my mind. She’d changed her point of view. I’d seen a side of Colby I didn’t think existed. The side that almost— and I really mean almost — liked me.
“What do you mean?” she turned to me, drying her eyes and focusing on what I was saying.
“You’ve never said I loved her before,” the words came out before I could phrase them any differently. “You’ve never believed it.”
“Oh,” she turned back to the wall. “I was just saying whatever shit I needed to get you to stop being an asshole.”
With those words she stood and walked into the small and dark bathroom. I sat back and listened as the shower began to run. She was lying. Something had changed. I knew it. She knew it. But I had a feeling I’d never know what it was. She didn’t want to share.
The sound of water pouring down and hitting the tile relaxed me. The anger I’d felt only moments before seemed to subside as I leaned back onto the lumpy bed and closed my eyes. It reminded me of home. Not Kevin’s, but the apartment that Avery and I had shared. The cheap mattress we’d been so excited to toss into the bedroom.
I couldn’t stand the thought of her with that man. Not because I was jealous. Because I was afraid it would kill me. The thought that someone else had her— that someone else was the one she looked at and adored— it destroyed me inside. Knowing it was my fault made it worse.
She hadn’t wanted me to leave. She’d wanted us to be forever. I was the one that kept pushing her away. Fear. It was a bitch. And there I was feeling it full force.
I was afraid. I was afraid that I’d gone too far. I was afraid that Avery was with another man. I was afraid that he made her happy.
I wanted to punch the man because I was scared. What if we went the next day and she told me she wanted him? What if she didn’t love me anymore? I wasn’t sure I could handle it.
“I saw your face.” Colby reappeared in the room. “That’s why I changed. I saw your face.”
“What did you see?”
“I saw a man that might not make it.” She climbed into her bed and pulled blankets up over her shoulders. “I saw a terrified man that was faced with losing all that mattered.”
“I am.”
“Spencer?”
“Yes?”
“Why did it take thinking she is with another man for that to show?” Her words stung. Was it true? Did I really only show my love once I was sure I’d lost her?
Silence filled the air as she waited.
“What happened in your life Spencer?” Her voice was quiet— caring and sympathetic. “What made you feel like that?”
I didn’t answer. I couldn’t. Words were lodged somewhere deep inside. My body was trying too hard to fight the tears. It couldn’t produce any answers.
“You don’t have to answer that,” she relented. “I understand. But do me a favor okay?”
A nod was all I could do. I had to let her know I was listening, but I couldn’t talk. If I did, it’d all come out. Five years old to the present. Colby would learn my life before the person I loved did. So I pressed my lips together and let tears fall behind closed eyes.
“If we are lucky enough to find Avery,” she began. “If we bring her home and she loves you again,” I heard the hesitation. “Please let her. If she never left me after all I did to her— I promise she won’t leave you.”
I nodded again, feeling bad for Colby. Wanting to console her. Needing to make her feel better. Unable to do any of it. I was too busy falling apart inside my own head.
Chapter 16
‘What the fuck am I supposed to do?’ I screamed at the wall. It wasn’t even noon yet, and my apartment was silent. Too silent.
Whenever I ended up in the quiet I would think. That rarely resulted in anything but disaster. I was convinced that over-thinking and analyzing was going to be my downfall in life. If anything got to me and destroyed me— it’d be that.
The high from the weekend had lasted for a while. I was still floating in the clouds— convinced that things were perfect and nothing could go wrong— when Avery had shown up at my door. Seeing tears streaming down her face as her body shook from the pain immediately kicked in my protective side.
I’d brought her into the apartment, surprised she’d shown up without calling— not that I minded— and tried to comfort her. I wanted to be there and make things better in her life. But the more I listened, and more importantly the more I talked, the more I realized that I was a bigger problem than I was a solution.
Colby was mad at her and it was my fault. The trip to Canoe Bay had been such a last minute decision I’d completely forgotten about her best friend’s birthday. Apparently they’d had some kind of special plans and Avery hadn’t been there. Again, my fault.
I felt horrible. Avery felt horrible. It was honestly an accident. But Colby couldn’t get past it. She hated Avery for being gone. She hated me. She was hurt. She was angry.
It sparked feelings I didn’t want in my head. Betrayal of a friend. Pain. Heartache. Losing what mattered the most. The high I’d been on only moments before turned into a crushing blow. I was causing Avery to lose everything she’d had in her life.
Talking to her only made things worse. She started asking questions. Dodging her, I tried to change the subject and not let the conversation head down that path. But with Avery, the word no was impossible. Her green eyes would plead with me, she’d bite her lip, and I’d cave to anything she asked.
Even if that meant discussing Jamie and Jason. A topic that I tried my damndest to stay away from. Avery always thought I was hiding it from her. I wasn’t. I was hiding it from me. I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to think it. I couldn’t stand the way it felt. I most certainly preferred not to feel it.
But I’d answered her. At least partially. Nothing I told her that night was a lie. Not a damn bit of it was anything less than the truth. I just left out a few details.
I’d almost confessed when she’d asked if I was cheating on Jamie. God no. I had never cheated on a woman in my life. If I was with someone, it was them I wanted. Especially Jamie. I never wanted Avery to doubt that. I never wanted her to think that I could cheat on her. So I’d almost told the whole truth.
I couldn’t. No matter how many times I opened my mouth and planned to say it; the words never came out. I couldn’t watch the way she viewed me change. I didn’t want to see her look at me with pity. And that’s what always happened.
Tell someone your girlfriend left you— they feel sorry for you. Tell them you caused it— they still feel sorry for you. Tell them what you did to cause it— suddenly you are a project they want to complete. A soul that needs to be saved. A life that needs to be altered.
Telling her part of the story would mean telling all. I couldn’t throw out something as random as drugs without explaining it. It would lead to the reality of my childhood. I would have to share about my immersion into Kevin’s world. The way I felt when I was high. The fact I’d quit for Jamie. Then the fact I’d
gone back.
She wouldn’t understand. Given her stories of childhood and young adult years she’d barely even heard of drugs— let alone used them. I doubted Avery would know the difference between uppers and downers. She’d most likely been raised in a different world. One that viewed someone on drugs as a bad person— a leach on society.
The thought of her green eyes looking at me with that opinion— I couldn’t handle it. I needed her like I needed water and oxygen. So I didn’t tell her.
Truth was, I’d not done it long. My first time had been less than a month before I met Jamie. I had no interest in becoming my mother. I didn’t want to waste my life and hurt everyone I came into contact with. But that day had been hard. I’d seen her for the first time in years. She’d told me how disappointed she was in me. Kev saw me and offered.