by Flatman, NJ
“I should go check on her” Avery’s eyes widened in surprise. “She’s alone. You’re not.”
“So I guess dinner is canceled?”
“I guess.”
“So now what?” A small hint of hope lingered inside me. Avery was asking what came next. Maybe she still wanted to come home.
“We are leaving in two days.” That came out of nowhere. “If you’d like to come home with us, let me know. You have the numbers.”
With that I threw down money for what Colby and I had ordered, turned and walked away. I had to. Another five minutes and I’d have made a bigger scene than Colby did.
Chapter 20
“What’s up bro?” Kevin stood outside my door with a case of beer and a deck of cards. “Feelin’ up to some poker?”
I almost shut the door in his face. I didn’t want company. I didn’t need company. I was just fine sitting alone and drinking until I couldn’t think straight.
“I’m not feeling sociable Kev,” I didn’t move to let him inside.
“I didn’t ask that.” He shoved his way past me, heading to the kitchen.
“Why are you here?”
“Yep, missed you too.” I heard him laugh as he opened the fridge. “Jesus, when’s the last time ya went shoppin’?”
“Don’t do that.”
“Spence,” Kevin appeared in the doorway, arm outstretched to offer me a beer. “Ya aren’t gonna do this again.”
“Do what?”
I walked over and sat in the recliner. I didn’t need a lecture from my brother the addict. He had no room to judge my life choices. None at all.
“Hide. Shut down. Ignore life.”
“I’m not hiding anywhere, I’ve been here all along.”
I knew what my brother was doing. He thought he was going to just show up and bring me back out into the world. Fuck that. I didn’t want to be in the world. I wanted to sit there in my recliner and pretend the world didn’t fucking exist.
He was trying to prevent a repeat of the Jamie fiasco. He was trying to make me okay and able to carry on. He didn’t understand. Avery wasn’t Jamie. This wasn’t the same. I hadn’t betrayed her. I’d left her. I’d broken her. I’d abandoned her. And I didn’t even really have a reason for it.
“And now I am,” Kevin smiled as he sat his ass on the couch and put his feet on the coffee table.
“Go away Kev.”
“Doesn’t work that way bro,” he shook his head. “I care about ya. I’m gonna make sure you’re okay.”
“I’ll never be okay. So go home and live your fucking life!”
“I can see why this is better than the truth.”
His sarcasm hit me wrong. I didn’t need to hear his shit. What I needed wasn’t there. I’d ended that almost a month ago. I’d walked away to keep her away from my secrets. To keep her from choosing me over others that were better for her. And he had the nerve to sit there and try and fix it all? Fuck him.
“The truth? You mean that my mother’s an abusive alcoholic bitch? Or that my father never gave a damn? Maybe you mean that my brother is a worthless drug addict that can’t put the shit away for one God damn day so he can meet my girlfriend? What truth am I supposed to tell?”
“The truth that keeps makin’ ya leave bro,” Kevin answered, barely flinching at the words. “And it ain’t that Ma and Pops are shitty. And it certainly ain’t my love affair with Tina.”
“What the fuck else would it be?”
“The truth that ya don’t wanna face.”
“And what is that oh wise one?”
Kevin was pushing his luck even being there. I hadn’t wanted to see or talk to him. Why would I? He’d let me down when I needed him most. I’d still let him in. But if he didn’t shut the hell up, he was gonna go right back out.
“You’re afraid she’ll leave.”
Kevin was irresponsible. He was an asshole. He made bad choices. He was an addict. But when it came to me— he was always right. He knew me as well as I knew myself. I just preferred when he didn’t talk about it.
Yes I was afraid. I was terrified. She would hate me. She’d see how worthless I really was. She’d leave. I’d be left to recover and I wasn’t sure I could. Jamie had damn near killed me. I never in a million years thought she meant it. I never thought she’d go away. But the evil in me had outweighed the good. It had shown her that I wasn’t worth the effort.
I’d have never chose Kevin over her. I just wanted to prove I was right. She loved me. She’d stay. I needed someone to stay no matter how difficult it was. So I’d played a game and I’d fucking lost.
Avery was more than that. She was more than Jamie had ever been. I couldn’t see the look in her eyes change. I couldn’t see the pity. I couldn’t see the anger. I couldn’t see the hatred. I could not under any circumstances watch her leave me.
“Go home Kev.”
It didn’t matter that he was right. I didn’t care what he had to say. I wasn’t in the mood to analyze myself or try and solve my problems. I wanted to enjoy a fucking beer in peace. With him there wanting to talk about all of my problems that wasn’t going to happen.
“Fine.” He stood and he walked to the door. “Ya didn’t grow up in that life alone bro. I was there too.”
He didn’t wait for a response. He walked out and slammed the door behind him.
“Fuck you!” i yelled to an empty apartment, throwing my bottle against the wall.
Shattered glass hit the floor and I was jolted back in time. I was just a child. She’d been drinking all day. I’d said something wrong. I couldn’t even remember what it was. She was yelling. Telling me how worthless I was. She hated being stuck with me.
Knees against my chest, I wrapped my arms around my legs. I could still hear my tiny voice. ‘I’m sorry. I love you.’ She’d laughed at me. Then out of nowhere she’d thrown her drink at the wall behind me. Shards of glass began to fall around me as I cried and she laughed. ‘Who could love someone as worthless as you?’ That was when Kevin had walked out of his room. ‘I do’ he’d answered, coming to me and making sure I was okay. ‘I always will.’
I shook my head to clear my mind of the memories I didn’t want. Blocking tears that wanted to fall, I stood up. Damn them. All of them. Damn them to hell. I was never going to escape this. It would haunt me forever.
Kevin was right. I was scared. I was fucking terrified she would leave. Why wouldn’t she? They all did. He was the closest to anyone staying I’d ever had and look at him. Hooked on drugs. Couldn’t function like a normal person. Couldn’t even stop for a fucking day to meet someone important.
Of course I was afraid. Who wouldn’t run the fuck away from that? From me? Like she’d always said— who was going to love me?
An automatic answer popped into my head. Avery. That’s who. Avery would love me. And I’d left her. I kept leaving her. Even though she loved me.
I sobered up fast and that’s when I realized I’d made a huge mistake. I was sitting alone— miserable and obsessed with my failures— while someone sat elsewhere that loved me. Just as I was. She loved me.
I stood up, grabbed my keys and headed to Avery’s. I was going to beg if I had to. She had to take me back. She just had to.
No one answered. They were both gone. I stood in the hallway of the apartment building thinking about all the things she could be doing and all the places she could be. It wasn’t a pretty thought. I was just about to give up— go home and drown my sorrows in beer— when I heard their voices.
She looked like shit. She was wobbly and weak. Her face was pale. She could barely even talk. At first I thought she was sick. Then the bitch told me she was drunk. That pissed me off. Why would she let herself get that way? Where had she been?
She needed me. And I was going to take care of her. That was my promise and exactly what I spent my night doing. I knew Colby was mad— angry that I was there— but she’d have to deal. I loved Avery. And I was going to let her love me. Even if it killed me.
Which seeing her cry and hearing her yell at me almost did. But in the end she took me back. It was all I’d wanted and needed. As I snuck out of her apartment in the middle of the night I promised myself that I’d never leave again. And I prayed like hell that for the first time in my life I could keep a promise.
Chapter 21
“Yes.” I spoke out of the blue, surprising Colby.
We’d spent most of the day in the room— hiding from the world. Dinner the night before had been a disaster and we’d still not heard from Avery. Neither of us held much hope that she was planning to go back to Chicago.
“Yes what?” she asked.
“Yes, I’m afraid.”
“Oh.” I watched her grab the remote, flipping the button until the tv was silent. “I knew that. I mean not at first. But after this trip. I knew that.”
“I didn’t want it, ya know?”
“Kinda figure that out too,” she laughed. “It’s not because of the ex is it?”
She kind of surprised me with that. Even Avery hadn’t known there was more. So how did Colby? She couldn’t. Which meant whatever she thought she knew wasn’t right.
“Not really.”
She seemed proud of herself for being right, but she obviously wasn’t. She clearly only knew basics about Jamie and there was no way in hell she’d know about the rest of it.
I wondered if I should talk to her. Tell her some of the truth. See how she handled it before I talked to Avery. If I talked to Avery. I was losing hope in the belief that she’d ever be back and even if she was— I wasn’t sure she’d ever be the same.
“I never understood the appeal of the damaged guy.” Colby didn’t give me a chance to test the subject. She obviously had something that she needed to say. “Why does a person want someone that needs to be fixed?”
“I’m guessing you mean me?”
“Yes. No. I don’t know Spencer. I guess I just don’t get it. But then being around you— seeing the way you love her— I do.” She seemed to be lost in thought.
“I’m not the damaged guy.”
“Like hell!” she was trying not to laugh. “You are more damaged than most. So in love with someone you’d do anything— but then hurting her so she doesn’t hurt you first. It’s classic damaged. Maybe even a little crazy”
“Well, it’s….”
“Complicated?” Colby couldn’t stop the laughter any longer. “Isn’t everything?”
“Yes, I guess.” I wasn’t sure how to take the conversation. “But it’s more than that Colby. No one knows what I’ve dealt with in life. The things I’ve seen and heard.”
“Shitty parents right?” I nodded. “No one to really rely on?” I nodded again. “Finally had a girlfriend you loved and fucked it up and she left?” I nodded again— this time wondering how she knew all of this. Even Avery didn’t understand all of this. “So now you are afraid to commit and be close because well hell— everyone’s already shown you that they are going to leave. You aren’t enough for them.”
I couldn’t speak. Colby knew more about me than almost everyone in my life. How? My mouth dropped open and I just sat in silence, trying like hell to come up with something — anything— to say.
“You aren’t the only one with a history Spencer.” She opened the door to the mini-fridge and grabbed two lukewarm cans of soda. I wished as she handed me one that we’d bought some beer to put in there— even if it’d be hot and flat.
In that moment I wanted to open up. I wanted someone that wasn’t my brother to know what the hell my life was like. I needed someone to understand why I was the way I was. But I couldn’t. When I finally shared my story it couldn’t be Colby. No way. I had to tell Avery first.
“It’s okay,” she looked at me. “I don’t expect you to tell me. “
I nodded. I didn’t say anything. No point. I wasn’t going to make excuses. It’d only make her feel worse.
“It sucks ya know?” she said, breaking the silence once more.
“Yea.”
As we lay there watching TV, we both got it. We got each other. We understood. At least right then. Neither of us needed words. The silence wasn’t awkward or uncomfortable. It was easy. Natural. Okay.
I lay there— watching shows I’d no doubt forget in a few hours— and tried not to think. I didn’t want to. Thinking led to conclusions and the obvious ones sucked.
She wasn’t going to go back with us. She wasn’t even going to call. Avery was gone. As lost to us as she’d been before we knew where she was. But as hard as I tried, I couldn’t stop thinking about her. The empty and lost look in her eyes. The lack of emotion on her face. I wasn’t even sure she was sad. It was more like she felt nothing. Good or bad. And that scared me worse than if she hated me.
Colby and I would get on the plane and head home— without what was most important. Life wouldn’t be the same. It’d hurt. It’d be sad. Mostly, it’d be lonely. We’d have to figure it out. Yet once we got home we wouldn’t even have each other. We’d go our own ways.
I wasn’t going to try and fool myself. Colby and I had bonded, but we weren’t friends. Not the way most were. Avery was our connection. She was also what hurt us. Once we reached Chicago— once we had gone back to our world— we’d stop talking. If for no other reason than it hurt too fucking much to keep going.
I wasn’t sure what I’d do. A world without Avery seemed bleak and pointless. Even when I’d left her I’d always known she was there. She loved me. She existed. That wasn’t the case anymore. She’d gone and wasn’t coming back. What was the point?
“Where’re you going?” Colby asked as soon as I stood up.
“Beer run.” I tried to act like this day wasn’t killing me so that she’d be okay, but I wasn’t good at it. “I need one.”
“I’ve got a better idea,” her eyes lit up. “Let’s go out Spencer.”
“I don’t really feel like…”
“You’re not gonna feel any better sitting here.” She interrupted. “We came all the way here. Let’s at least enjoy one night.”
“I don’t really like bars and stuff Colby,” I was honest. “I’m not looking to hook up.”
“Then don’t!” she argued. “God you and Avery both. Think you have to stay home or fuck random people. Jesus.”
I watched her facial expression change. The realization that Avery was gone. She had just thought about how there’d be no more arguing about going out. Her eyes dropped and I pretended not to notice the tears that filled them.
“I need this,” her voice was weak. She was pleading. How could I refuse that. We may have had a rocky start, but without each other neither of us would have made it through this trip. She deserved a moment of happiness.
“Okay,” I conceded. “We will go out. Why not? Might as well enjoy something about this town before we leave, right?”
I saw the excitement return. She rushed to her bag to grab something to wear and disappeared into the bathroom. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I hated the idea. There was nothing at all about going out that appealed to me. I was only agreeing because it meant something to Colby. She needed to leave Myrtle Beach, South Carolina with some form of good memory. And being thrown to the side for a chubby loser with a big bank account wasn’t it. Trust me, I knew.
“I say we go down that strip,” she yelled from the bathroom. “Looked like a lot of shit to do down there.”
“I wasn’t paying much attention,” I had seen a lot of stuff as we passed through, but I wasn’t even sure what all was there. “But if that’s what you want then sure.”
“I saw a couple bars, lots of stores and places to eat— I don’t know. Just a lot of shit. Looks fun!” she still sounded excited, but I knew it was fake. She’d trade it all for a call from Avery.
“Then let’s do it.”
Moments later she walked out of the bathroom looking like the Colby I’d known from day one. The pretty blond girl that everyone would notice and want to talk to. And the smile p
lastered on her face appeared just genuine enough for no one to realize it wasn’t real.
Colby was on a mission. She was going to go out and forget about the real world. Either through fun and excitement, drinking or sex— knowing her it was probably all three. It wouldn’t be that easy for me. But I didn’t want to bring her down to where I’d been for hours. So I smiled my fake smile and we left to see what kind of fun we could find.
As I expected, everyone noticed Colby. Guys were constantly walking up and wanting to talk— ignoring the fact that I was even there. One of the many reasons I didn’t date girls like her. It was a vibe they gave off and it’d be a bit hard to handle as a boyfriend. But as the somewhat friend that didn’t give a shit— I stayed out of the way and let her shine.