by Flatman, NJ
I knew that was true, but I didn’t understand it. She’d been hurt before. She’d never given up. I couldn’t have imagined her choosing someone else. Especially someone like Luke. He wasn’t anything like Avery and never would be. How could she not see that?
At that point I wasn’t just hopeless, I was pissed the fuck off. I didn’t want to leave without seeing her again. But I knew forcing myself on her would only make it worse. She’d reject me and I’d leave more broken than I already was.
Besides, Colby had to go like this. She couldn’t leave on a bad note. She wasn’t ready for what was coming in life— the guilt and the pain— and she needed her happy memories. I would make do. I would be okay even if it was worse for me. Being able to say what I felt almost made it seem like it’d be worth the reaction. But I’d do it for Colby.
When the hell did I actually start to care about the blond bitch? The thought made me laugh, but I kept it to myself. I didn’t want to explain to her. I’m sure she knew that she’d always been a thorn in my side. But I bet she’d never have guessed she was someone I’d nicknamed to show just how insignificant she was. Why make this a bad day by telling her?
At that moment she was all I had. Even knowing that would go away— I didn’t want to lose it right then. I couldn’t.
“She’s missing out” It was all I had. A joke. As if Avery were the one losing something. “She’d have enjoyed seeing you with a cowboy.”
Colby laughed through the pain. A thought like that both hurt and made us smile. She knew what I meant. Her hatred of country music. Sitting in a country bar and getting up close and very personal with a cowboy. Avery would have been laughing for days.
“The cowboy? How about seeing us get along?”
That was true. Avery had never seen Colby and I do anything but fight and hate each other. Sure, she’d seen us together while we were there trying to get her. But she’d have never guessed that we would be the way we’d been. She’d have never imagined us almost being friends.
“Well yea,” I laughed at her question. “That would have definitely made her smile.”
“She didn’t,” Colby noted. “Smile I mean.”
The thought had gone through my head at the same time. The entire time we’d seen her she hadn’t smiled once. She wasn’t happy. I wasn’t sure what she was.
“I know.”
“Think she will come back Spencer?” Colby looked so hopeful. I didn’t want to crush her spirits. Even though we both stood there knowing the likelihood was small.
“Who wouldn’t?” I teased. “Who wouldn’t come back to us?”
“True,” she laughed.
The conversation died there. We didn’t want to speak because neither of us wanted to say the truth. So we left it there and pretended it wasn’t the way it was. Slowly we loaded the car and both of us climbed inside. We had about two hours until time to be at the airport, but there was nothing left to want to do.
At least nothing that didn’t include a stop at rich boy’s house to pick up the person we loved. So we drove to the airport— turning in the rental car and finding a place to sit and wait. Colby opened a book and I pretended I didn’t see the tears streaming down her face as she held it up to read it. She pretended she didn’t see the way I hung my head in despair and wished we could get home and be done with the hardest part.
I’d left Avery many times. None of them were what I really wanted. I’d been afraid. I’d been trying to protect her, but also trying to protect myself. But this time— leaving her in South Carolina with another man— it was going to be the one that killed me.
We could sit and pretend. Cling to the hope that she’d come back. That everything would fall into place. That somehow and in some way our lives would be the same. But we knew better. Colby and I both knew. It was over. She’d made her choice. And that was the part that shattered us both. She’d chosen him. She’d chosen this. She’d chosen to be unhappy and empty and void of everything. That had been a better alternative than the hurt we kept causing.
As we sat in the airport, waiting on our flight and ignoring the other— we knew. It was our fault. Every last stab of pain we were feeling as we headed on our journey back— we’d caused it. And that was only a fraction of the hurt she’d felt when we both abandoned her.
Neither of us hated Avery. We didn’t even hate Luke. We hated ourselves.
I almost wished we were going out the way we’d come in. Arguing. Snapping at and blaming the other. At least the noise could drown out the feelings that were building inside of me. At least we’d have something to focus on. Part of thought about picking a fight just to do that. Avoid. But I didn’t.
We sat in silence until time to board the plane. Neither of us speaking. Neither of us with anything to say that wouldn’t hurt us both.
As the plane prepared to take off Colby stared out the window. I was pretty sure she was thinking the same things I was. She was also hiding the same tears. Briefly she reached out and took my hand in hers. A small gesture. We were together. We may be hurting, but we weren’t alone. As soon as we were in the air the moment passed and Colby closed her eyes and slept.
The flight home was no more eventful than the one we’d taken to get there. It, too, was spent in silence. This time because neither of us had any words. At least none that we wanted to say out loud.
I tried to watch the movie. I tried to read a magazine. I tried to watch the other passengers and think about their lives. It was all pointless. My heartache was too deep. The despair was too strong.
Arriving at O’Hare was the hardest part of all. The pretending was over. We couldn’t keep finding ways to ignore the truth. We were about to venture out in separate directions— going back to a life where reality would be in our face. Nothing was the same. Nothing ever would be. And from that point on we’d be facing it alone.
“I can take you home,” I offered after Colby grabbed her bags.
“No,” she shook her head. “I’m going to catch a cab.”
“That’s a waste of money,” I insisted. “Let me take you.”
“Spencer,” she put her hand on my arm. “I need to do this alone. I need to be alone.”
I nodded and she spun around, one bag dragging behind her and another thrown over her shoulder. Her head was held high, the smile on her face— but her feet dragging slowly showed me that she wasnt any more ready than I was.
“Are you going to be okay?” I yelled behind her, hoping that focusing on her pain would help ease my own.
She turned and smiled her fake bright smile, teeth flashing and all.
“What other choice do I have?” she laughed and turned around and walked off.
I grabbed my things and went to my car— not quite ready to leave but knowing I had to. Kevin was expecting me. Other than telling him when I’d be back, I hadn’t told him anything. He was going to have a million questions. None of them that I wanted to answer.
I started the engine and drove in the direction of South Chicago. Tears filled my eyes as I listened to the radio and tried to block out the thoughts. Just like I’d always said— Avery and I would end in disaster and I’d be heartbroken.
Chapter 24
The week was hell. There was no other way to describe it. I’d had to find all of Kevin’s paperwork. I’d had to call the parents I hated to get access to his fund. Shit, I’d had to fight them to get them to leave him where he was. They wanted some secretive upscale place.
All of this went on as he lie sleeping peacefully. At least that’s what I told myself. But Dr. Jenison kept reminding me that it might be more complicated than that. The more time he went without waking up, the lower the chances it would be a good result.
I hated her. She had the bedside manner of a fucking rat. But she was an excellent doctor. I’d checked into her. So I dealt with it. I just wished I could fucking slap her and make her see that she should act like he was a human. Someone with value. And that I was damned near having a breakdown and coul
d use a little kindness.
I’d tried to talk to Avery when I could— which wasn’t often. Mostly late at night when she was exhausted. Our schedules were seriously conflicting and I felt bad that I couldn’t see her. She would try to ask questions and I’d blow her off. No way did I want her to be a part of this. Especially with family in and out— making life miserable.
Kevin’s vitals stabilized and even unconscious his skin cleared up and he put some weight on. Dr. Jenison said that was good— but added that I shouldn’t get my hopes up. Fucking bitch. Couldn’t ever say anything positive.
I barely made it through work days, but I refused to tell my boss about what was going on. I got damn near enough sympathy at the hospital. They all looked at me as though it was a guarantee that Kevin would die. But I didn’t want to believe it. So I sat in his room— a nice private one— and I talked to him. About sports, beer, Avery and anything else that popped into my head. I just talked.
Wasn’t like I had anything else to do. He needed me. I wasn’t going to tell Avery about it. So I just did what I had to do. I sat there and I dealt with it. I hoped with all I had that Kevin would come back as himself. Mostly I hoped this would be the end of the drugs.
I was amazed at the number of people that had shown up to see him. There were some I didn’t even realize he talked to. But it was when Kate called that I was most surprised. Someone had passed the word along and she’d wanted to see how he was doing.
“He’s alive Kate,” I’d answered, still in shock to hear her voice after all this time. “That’s the best I can do.”
“I hope this changes him Spence,” she’d been crying. I could hear it. “I really hope.”
“Me too.” I wasn’t sure what else to say. “How are you? The baby?”
“I’m okay,” she answered only halfway convincing me it was the truth. “Working mostly. Being a mom. She’s not much of a baby anymore, but she’s great. Amazing. She looks like him.”
“I’m sorry,” I’d teased and heard her laugh. “Did you find someone good?”
“I never looked Spencer.” She answered with a sigh. “It scars you. Living through that. Losing everything. It breaks you. It’s hard to put any faith or trust in anyone. That isn’t fair to them or me. So I just don’t.”
“You still love him.”
It was an observation, but one I was pretty sure was true. She did. She always had.
“I always will” she paused as if she were thinking. “I hope he gets better.”
“Me too.”
“Call me if— I mean I want to know— Just— keep me informed.” She’d left it at that. Unable to say anything more. I took down her number— she’d blocked it when she’d called— and promised to keep her up to date. I also swore I’d never tell him she called.
Hanging up with her made my mind venture to Avery. That was my biggest fear with her. That this life would alter her. Leave her with no faith or trust or hope. I didn’t want that. I didn’t want her to look at me the way Kate looked at Kevin. I didn’t want her to see me the way she would. I didn’t want her to live life without any hope of it getting better.
I tried to shake off the idea and pay attention to those that popped in and out. Both the professionals and the friends. I was pretty sure one of the guys— a young dude that looked almost as high as Kevin normally did— was his dealer. My fists balled up and I had to convince myself not to kill him. He wasn’t there because he cared. Probably only to make sure his ass wasn’t on the line.
I wasn’t rude to him, but I made it clear he wasn’t to stop back in again. He had seen Kevin and he knew how things were. I told him that if he showed up again things would change and he’d be expected. He got the hint and left quickly, trying to dodge anyone that might notice his condition.
Of course my mother had stopped by regularly. Always there to remind me what a failure we’d both been. Making every situation worse. But that night she’d really gotten to me.She didn’t seem upset at all that Kevin was in a coma. Never said she was or showed any emotion at all.
She was only upset that it was him and not me. Those were her words. He had more value to society. I should have been the trashy addict about to die. It took every ounce of restraint I had not to make sure she landed on one of those beds her damn self.
She truly believed that my life was pointless. She’d made sure I knew that as long as I’d been able to understand her words. Even as Kevin lie there in a drug induced coma, she still saw me as the failure. Nothing I could do would ever change that.
I left that night weary and hopeless. Hearing Kate. Seeing the bitch that gave birth to me. Another night ending without Kevin waking up. Even Dr Jenison and her mission to remind me that I shouldn’t count on anything. All of it piled up. I needed some space and peace.
So I’d stopped and bought a six pack of beer and headed to my place. Opening one, I sat down to call Avery. She was snappy. I didn’t blame her. I’d put her off for so long and she didn’t have a clue why.
She made that clear when she’d snapped about my failure to tell her anything. She told me that she was losing sleep to talk to me but didn’t understand why. She thought it’d be nice if I shared. If I thought she mattered enough to share.
God she had no idea how much she mattered. If she didn’t matter I’d have told her all of this. I’d have let someone— anyone— be there for me. I was so alone. Doctors, friends, family— they all left me there to deal with it and gave me no hope to hold onto.
I told her that I needed a shower and some sleep— knowing I’d get neither. I had to quit talking. She was tired and anxious and defeated herself and for once I couldn’t help her. I didn’t have anything left in me. I was empty.
Sitting in the recliner, working on my fourth beer, I pulled out a notebook and began to write. She was right. She deserved more.
My Sweet Avery,
The tears fell as I looked at the greeting, knowing that by the end she would hate me worse than she already did. But I had to. There was too much. Things she couldn’t see and know. Things she didn’t need in her life. She deserved more. Better. And this was the only way I knew how to give it to her.
Chapter 25
I hoped Kevin wasn’t there as I drove to the apartment. I knew I couldn’t be that lucky— but I’d hoped.
Of course he was. He was sitting in the living room playing video games. Which also meant he was high. It was the only time he ever really played them.
“Wanna join me bro’?” he called out as I put my bag in the bedroom. “I could use a partner that knows how to fuckin’ play!”
I heard a slew of curse words after that and tried to ignore him. Naturally Kev couldn’t take my silence as a no.
“Come on,” he urged. “I’ll set up a new game.”
“My only plans are a hot shower, a beer and bed.” I answered, hoping he’d take the hint.
No matter how much I loved him— how hard I tried— he would never change. He was selfish and inconsiderate. He always would be. Hell, wasn’t like he didn’t admit it.
“I haven’t seen ya in a while,” he yelled as I dug out some clean shorts. “Least ya could do is spend some fuckin’ time with me.”
“I just flew in from halfway across the country. I’m fucking tired. I’m not in a good mood. And I don’t give a fuck about virtually shooting strangers like a god damned teenager.”
My words were harsh, but I couldn’t take anymore. Why the hell couldn’t he just give a damn about someone else? Jesus.
“Couldn’t find her?”
I ignored his question and walked right past him to the bathroom, slamming the door behind me.
“Guess that’s a no!” he yelled, laughing like he always did.
Fucking drugs. They made people rude. Mean. Inconsiderate. I needed a brother that would sit and let me talk. But I knew better. He’d just try to console me with the same shit that damn near killed him. He’d insist. He’d swear it made things better.
L
ike what? His life? He was playing video games and bailing on the brother that needed him. He had just laughed like a fucking asshole at my pain. Was that better?
Steam from the shower filled the room and I felt my skin turning red. Just how I liked it. The hope had been that a shower would relax me so I could go to fucking bed. But it didn’t work.
I could see her. Smiling at Canoe Bay. Standing outside the steam shower. I’d asked where she was going.
“Heaven,” she’d laughed. God I missed that laugh. I missed that smile.
What the fuck had happened to her? Had I hurt her that badly? She was so empty when we’d seen her. Was it Colby? It wasn’t like they hadn’t fought before.
I wanted to get back on the god damned plane and head back to South Carolina. I wanted to stand in that motherfucker’s house and refuse to leave until she came with me. Had he changed her like that?