by Ella Sparkle
I looked up at Cassie. “I'm listening,” I said slowly. For the first time since our phone call on Friday I had a small glimmer of hope that, maybe, there would be some way I could salvage it all...
Chapter 51
Nick
“As long as I have known Jenna, she has had a life plan she has been working towards. The basics of it were to get married, so she could have her perfect suburban life with her perfect husband and her perfect children. She would go to law school and be a successful lawyer, making her and her husband this hugely successful power couple. In all honesty, I don’t think that dream was fully Jenna’s but was more the dream her parents had for her. Going to law school is the only part I can confidently say really was hers. She wanted to be a lawyer so she could help people long before I met her.”
“I knew going to law school was one of her dreams,” I said. “There was no way I was going to interfere with that.” Cassie had to know that, right?
Cassie raised her eyebrow at me again. “Okay, good. Now you are contributing to the conversation and we are actually getting somewhere. When we went to college, Jenna met Brett. I always thought he was a giant waste of space, but he fit perfectly into the role of the potential husband in Jenna’s life plan. Her parents were crazy about him and he comes from a well-off, very influential family. I think pleasing her parents was why she stayed with him so long. Lord knows he did not have any other redeeming qualities.”
Brett... the name didn't sound familiar. “Wait... is this the guy she dated all through college?” I asked as the pieces slowly started coming together.
Cassie made a face like she had just sucked on a lemon. “Unfortunately, yes. He was straight-up, fucking awful. Over time, the confident, fun-loving friend I had known for years started to change. Brett cheated on her multiple times. He strung her along with promises of a white-picket fence and everything she ever wanted coming true as long as she stayed with him. Her confidence eroded and she started making her life all about him. A huge part of that was the pressure from her parents to keep the loser and be a perfect little robot on Brett’s arm.”
I could feel my anger start to flare. “I had a hunch he was no good, but nothing like this. Why would he do that to her?” I unconsciously started to clench and unclench my fists. I felt that surge of protectiveness flare through me... the one I had only ever felt for Jenna.
“Simmer down there, Blaine. You look like you are about to lose your shit and I can’t have you punching anyone else in the face.” Cassie nodded her head towards my fists on the table. “Why did he do it?" Cassie continued "Jenna is the whole package; smart, beautiful, kind, and driven. She looked really good hanging dutifully from his arm in public while he acted like a philandering asshole in private.”
Since Cassie had commented about punching someone, I felt the need to clarify and apologize. “About that night at the club...” I started. Cassie quickly waved her hand at me and I stopped.
“I am providing information now, not you. You will get your turn. So where were we... okay, so Jenna’s parents are garbage people who kept pressuring Jenna to be this made-up, perfect version of herself while Brett ran around town dipping his dong in a vast assortment of women, none of which were his girlfriend. Unfortunately, I was not a good friend to her during that time, so poor Jenna was on her own trying to please everyone and maintain all of these unrealistic expectations.”
“I can’t imagine you ever not being a good friend to Jenna.” Cassie might have been a little off her rocker, but she was incredibly loyal and protective of Jenna. Jenna had mentioned she and Cassie had been friends since the fifth grade and had stuck with each other through a whole lot of shit.
“Well, I wasn’t,” Cassie said quickly with a hint of sorrow in her voice. “During the first few years of college, I got really wound up in the party scene. Like really wound up. There were many times my poor decision-making got me into trouble. I would call Jenna and she would always come to get me or bail my ass out. When she lets you into her life, she is the most loyal and fierce friend you could ever want to have. The only times she ever stood up to Brett were times when it involved something with me and whatever mess I found myself in.”
Cassie paused and looked out the window for a moment. “There were some other things that happened and well... long story short, Jenna was the one who saved me and eventually helped me to move past the bad stuff.” Cassie was quiet for a few moments before she continued. “By that point, I was failing college, so Jenna helped me out of the mess I had created by tutoring me in all the classes I was failing... which was literally all of them. I was ready to just drop out. I wouldn’t have graduated from college if it wasn’t for Jenna.” Cassie turned away from the window and looked back at me. “I owe her my life in more ways than one, and there is nothing I won't do for her. She never gave up on me, even when she really probably should have, which is why I will always be there for her.”
I hadn’t known Cassie for very long, but I could recognize a serious conversation where she disclosed information about herself was rare. “I don’t even know what to say...” I had no idea about most of what she was telling me. If I was lucky enough to fix things with Jenna, it was clear we had a whole lot to talk about.
“Well, it's a good thing I'm the one doing the talking.” Just like that, Cassie seemed to snap back into the present moment. “All of the pressure Jenna was under eventually wore her down. She started having crazy, anxiety-induced panic attacks in addition to totally losing her confidence and her own identity. She became a shell of what she was before that fucking asshat came into her life and it was really awful to watch. I tried many, many times to get her to ditch the dead weight that was Brett, but she would never do it.” Cassie paused for a moment and looked down at the table. It was clear this was difficult for her to talk about.
“Fast forward to graduation.” Cassie looked up again and leaned her elbows on the table. “After the graduation ceremony, Jenna went out to this fancy dinner with her parents, Brett, and Brett’s parents. She thought he was going to propose to her that night at dinner with their families. In her mind, her life plan was right on track... she had graduated as one of the top in our class and had been accepted to law school. The engagement was the missing piece of her perfect plan and the piece her parents had been harping on her about for years. Only, instead of proposing, when the check came, Brett dumped her - in front of both of their parents. She was mortified. To make matters worse, her parents were convinced that, somehow, the break up was all her fault, and after causing a very public scene, they essentially broke up with her, too. In the end, everyone walked out and left her at the restaurant by herself.”
“Jesus, this is horrible! I had no idea, and you're right, they are all total fucking garbage people! Jenna is the most amazing person I have ever met and she doesn’t deserve to be treated like that!” I was beyond angry at all of the people Cassie was talking about. Jenna was so good and kind, then it suddenly hit me. I had done the same thing with the way I handled things and treated her. I looked up at Cassie and it was like she could read my mind. “Shit! I did the same fucking thing to her... fuck, Cassie... am I… am I now on the list of awful people who treat her terribly?” I felt sick at the thought. I loved her so much but nothing about what I had done, and the way I had treated her lately, would show that.
Cassie just stared me down. “Not yet, which is why I'm here. Hang on for a little more story and then we'll get to you. So when bastard Brett and her gross family all left her, Jenna was a mess. She still has not had any communication with her parents since that night. Jenna had to put off law school for a year because she was not in any place, emotional or otherwise, to start. It took her months until she was able to heal enough to start her job at this law firm where she really wanted to work.”
Fuck. I knew what happened next. My heart ached for Jenna and everything that she had been through. “Is that the place she got fired from right before starting at Pete’s?”
“Yes.” Cassie looked a little surprised that I knew that part but quickly recovered. “Losing that job was also a huge blow to her and why we started the ‘saying yes’ plan. After the first blow dealt by Brett, she was so closed off to everything and convinced she was the problem. The second blow of being fired just reaffirmed that in her mind. She needed to get out there and essentially get herself back. I suspect Brett’s family had something to do with her getting fired from the law firm since they are major clients there. Just in case you hadn’t figured it out yet, they are garbage people too.”
Cassie stopped for a moment. I did not know how any of the series of events Jenna had endured could possibly get any worse. Cassie took a deep breath and looked right at me. “So one last piece of the story and then I have some questions for you I expect you to answer honestly.”
“Okay” I said quickly, wanting to get it over. I had no idea what could possibly be next or how it could get any worse but I had a feeling, based on Cassie’s expression, it was about to.
Chapter 52
Nick
Cassie stared at me for what felt like forever before she finally started speaking again. “I take the fact you look like you are either going to start crying or punch something as a good thing. If you didn’t care a great deal for her you wouldn’t care about any of the stuff I've been telling you.”
“I do. I do care about her so much. So much it terrifies me.” I couldn't believe I said it out loud and to Cassie, of all people. Although it wasn’t that surprising given I had nothing to lose at that point. It felt like I had already lost everything when I lost Jenna.
“I thought so, which is going to make this next part rough to hear, but you need to know it. The reason Brett gave her for ending their relationship was ‘this is just not working and it is time to move on.’ That is also the exact same reason they gave her at the law firm when they fired her. It was also...”
“What I said to her on the phone on Friday,” I whispered. My blood ran cold, I could feel all the color start to drain out of my face as the realization of what I had done to her sank in. “Fucking hell! I had no idea!” I started to shout as the panic filled every pore of my body. “She must really hate me now! Dammit! Out of all the stupid things I could have—"
“Hey! Calm down,” Cassie interrupted me. “You didn’t know. Hell, it sounded like you were plenty drunk on the phone with her. I wasn’t even sure you would remember telling her.”
I felt like I was going to completely lose my shit right there in front of Cassie. I didn’t know what else to do; I felt worse than I had ever felt before in my life. I tipped my head back and looked at the ceiling so Cassie would not see I was trying my damndest not to cry. My heart absolutely broke to think of all the hurt Jenna had gone through, and that I had contributed to it. “Unfortunately, I wasn't drunk enough to forget what I said to her. I spent all weekend trying to drink that away, and block out the awful feelings and emptiness I feel without her around.” I couldn’t believe I was telling Cassie everything but I was fucking desperate to fix things with Jenna. If having an incredibly uncomfortable conversation with Cassie was a step in the right direction, I had to be all in.
“WelI, Nick, I am going to tell you, getting blackout drunk is a terrible coping mechanism and never turns out well. Now, tell me the truth about your feelings for Jenna.” I tipped my head back down and looked at Cassie who was sitting on the other side of the table with her arms crossed. The look on her face was just daring me to not answer her question.
I sighed as I dropped my elbows to my knees and rested my head in my hands. It was going to be easier if I didn’t have to look at Cassie while I spoke. “It was never supposed to be like this. I was never supposed to fall in love with her. This was supposed to be just a fun time until she left. I wanted to tell her so many times but just couldn’t do it. At first, it was just a mutual attraction, but it grew into so much more. It was easy to ignore the fact she was leaving until it was actually happening. I didn't want to stand in the way of her going to law school or be a distraction when she got there.”
“That explains your stupid not-really-a-plan-but-trying-to-make-it-a-plan for when she left.” Cassie did not sound impressed.
“Selfishly, I wanted her to stay, but I would never actually force her to make that choice. Believe it or not, I am not a big enough asshole to actually do that to her. Unfortunately, when the time came for her to leave, I couldn’t just walk away from her either.” I finally lifted my head and looked at Cassie, who was staring intently at me. “I don’t want to be without her. Ever. I tried to cool things down before she left, but I just couldn’t. I knew she had to leave, but I couldn’t see how I was going to fit into things when she did. That night when the guy was hitting on her at the bar, I was so angry and jealous I was literally seeing red. After what I did, I felt awful for acting that way in front of Jenna and that she had to see that. I tried to walk away then, but I just couldn’t.”
I had to stop and regroup. It was the most in-depth admission of feelings I had ever made to anyone, including Bax, who I'd known for years and years. Cassie sat there in silence, as if she was waiting for me to continue.
I took a deep breath and forged on. “Knowing she was leaving has just been too much to bear. The night before she left, I wanted to come over and act like everything was going to be okay, but I was so broken inside. I couldn’t even get off my bike to go into her apartment. She was just standing there all beautiful and perfect. When she started crying, I knew it was because of me, which tore me up even more. I didn’t know how to fix it other than to remove the thing that was hurting her so much... me.” I stopped and closed my eyes... I could picture her perfectly; standing there as I foolishly drove away from her. It felt like there was a giant gaping hole in my heart the size of Jenna.
Cassie's voice snapped me back to attention. “So, tell me about this weekend,” she said as her arms remained crossed and her gaze was steady.
I ran my hand through my hair and down my face. “I'm sure you know we have talked some over the past two weeks. Every time I'd talk to her it broke me a little more, knowing I couldn't be with her and that we're in this messed up situation. It just got harder and harder every time I spoke to her. I regretted not telling her how I feel about her, regardless of how she feels about me. At least that way she'd know. I was ready to go visit her last Friday. Then I started thinking about how hard it was to talk to her, and how hard it would be to see her, hold her, and then have to leave her again.”
Cassie uncrossed her arms and leaned forward. “So you started hitting the booze?” I felt like a little kid being scolded.
“Yeah. Pretty soon I was drunk and hating myself even more. I started to believe Jenna was better off without me. I felt so awful ending things with her I pretty much drank the whole weekend away.”
“So why didn't you ever tell her how you felt?” Cassie leaned back in her seat and shot me a look full of skepticism.
I shifted around in my seat. “I am not a relationship guy...” I started to say.
Cassie angrily interrupted me. “That is a total fucking bullshit excuse and you know it! Try again!” she yelled at me.
I felt backed into a corner. “Honestly? I was scared! I am scared about how much I care about her!” I yelled back. Cassie smiled. She looked over my shoulder and waved. I turned around to see Mike glaring at me from a few tables over. I lowered my voice. “I was so scared she didn't feel the same, and I was scared it wasn't going to be enough to make this work, once she left. I have never felt this way about another person before! I don’t know what to do about it!”
“The communication between the two of you is absolute shit. If you are going to make this work, you both need to figure that piece of the puzzle out.”
“How do I fix this?” I pleaded to Cassie. “I have messed this whole thing up so fucking much. Is it too late? Does she really hate me now?” I was desperate to get Jenna back, if she'd have me and it was
n’t too late.
“Before you charge in trying to be the white knight, I need to tell you something: you need to make a decision about what you want with Jenna and stick to it. No half-in, half-out shit. One of her greatest fears is not being enough, so if you are in, you are all in.” Cassie’s expression was stone-cold serious.
I didn’t even hesitate. “If she'll have me, and I have not totally ruined this, I am all in. That's not even a question in my mind.”
Cassie gave a small nod of approval. “How you fix this is all on you. I can’t tell you how to do it. I can tell you to be good to her and remember that if you're not, I have already planned how to end you.” I had absolutely no doubt Cassie was serious.
“All I want to do is the right thing for her. I love her, Cassie. I have never felt this way about anyone else and I can’t imagine that ever changing.” Much to my surprise, it felt really good to actually admit and say out loud.
Cassie gave me a big smile. “Then go get your girl.”
“Thank you for this. I will be forever grateful.” I meant it. I didn’t even want to think about what would have happened if Cassie hadn’t called me that morning.
“Well, was I right?” Mike walked over to the table and went to stand behind Cassie, putting his hand on her shoulder.
Cassie reached up and put her hand on his. “You were pretty spot on, babe. Nick, just so you know, Mike had your back during this. He seemed to understand where you were coming from better than anyone else.”
I reached my hand out to shake Mike’s. Much to my surprise, he met it with a firm shake back. “Thanks, man. I'm glad that at least one of us had an idea about what was going on since clearly I did not... actually, can I ask for your help with one last thing?” An idea was starting to form in my mind. One I hoped would work.