by Lexi Blake
Her hand still tingled where he’d brushed against her.
She threw back the covers and walked to the window, peeking through the blinds. She couldn’t do what she wanted to do. She wanted to open them, open the window, and let the night air in, but some asswipe was out there and everyone would be pissed at her if she did something stupid like make herself a massive target. She couldn’t stand the thought of someone watching her.
But damn it, the fucker was screwing up her contemplative process. When she opened the windows and looked out over the city, she could sometimes pretend she was back in New York and she was young with her whole life ahead of her. She could pretend Kevin was just working. She could make believe she’d never opened the door one night and seen Grant’s haggard face and known her husband was gone.
But she couldn’t throw her blinds up so now all she could think about was Derek and all she could wonder about was how long she was going to hold herself apart.
She wanted him. It would be stupid and pointless to lie to herself. She hadn’t wanted another man in years, had comforted the needs of her body with a vibrator she’d actually named and when it had died, she’d cried at that, too. She’d mourned her goddamn vibrator.
She was so screwed up.
There was beer in the fridge. The idea twisted around in her head like a snake ready to bite her. Derek had brought a six pack with him but he’d only had two. There were four cold beers just sitting there, and Derek didn’t know enough to get pissed if she drank one. Alcohol had never been her drug of choice. Oh, no. When she went all in, she didn’t fuck around. She liked the hard stuff. She liked to stick a needle in her arm.
But the beer might take the edge off.
She let the blind she’d been peeking through slide back down. No. She shoved that thought right back. Soft stuff led to hard stuff and nothing ever really took the edge off.
Life, she’d discovered, was nothing but edges. It was how a person navigated them that meant something.
Karina sat back on her bed, the one that had never seen another person but her. Her lonely bed. Her widow’s bed.
She’d enjoyed putting a plate in front of Derek Brighton, enjoyed watching his eyes close in pleasure as he’d eaten, enjoyed the way he sighed and asked for more.
The years had passed and she’d forgotten how good it felt to please someone with her cooking. She ate crap now. She grabbed takeout because it was quick and she didn’t have anyone to eat with. She’d forgotten how much better food tasted when she spent time on it and had someone to share it with.
She’d thought she could fill the holes in her heart by helping people, by becoming the PI version of Mother freaking Teresa. The problem was Brighton reminded her of why she could never be a nun.
She was going to a club with him tomorrow. She was going to prance around in her corset and heels and pretend that big gorgeous man was her Dom. She’d promised to obey him, to let him top her. She would be under his command and that thought didn’t piss her off the way it should.
Ever since Kevin died, she’d played at D/s. She’d performed scenes, but the minute the scene was done, she’d gone right back to being friends. Sure, Li had taken her to a privacy room a couple of times, but he’d only done that because she’d needed to talk. She hadn’t wanted the whole club to see her sobbing and Li was a good listener.
She wasn’t sure Derek wanted to listen. Even if he would, she wasn’t sure what she would say.
Would she tell him she admired him? Oh, sure there had been that one time when he’d had her arrested for impeding an investigation but she’d totally gotten him back by siccing IA on him.
She shouldn’t have done that. Damn it. Sometimes her need for justice led her astray. When she really looked back, she was probably in the wrong on that one. She’d been mad at him, but now that she thought about it, she probably had been impeding the investigation. He’d caught the guy even while he’d been dealing with an IA investigation.
He was kind of a hero.
She sighed. He was totally a hero. He’d been a Green Beret and then when he’d come home he’d gone into law enforcement because that was who he was. He was the type of guy who wouldn’t be happy unless he knew he was taking care of someone. He needed to protect and serve.
Serve. He could totally serve her. He could service her. He could make her feel so fucking good.
A loud bang made her eyes widen. Adrenaline poured through her system because someone was moving in her living room.
She immediately got to her feet and had a gun in her hand before she could take her next breath. She kept them in a couple of places around the apartment.
Derek. It was Derek. It had to be because she knew damn straight he wouldn’t sleep through that. He couldn’t. Even as she slunk out of her bedroom door, she knew what she would find.
Derek was still on the couch. His hands were up as though he was fighting. He punched out.
Karina stepped around the lamp that was now on the floor. At least it hadn’t broken.
“No. Fucking no.” Derek’s voice was low, as though he wasn’t sure he wanted anyone to hear him.
Her heart skipped a beat. He was caught in something horrible and she stopped. She wasn’t some innocent thing. She’d had nightmares of her own and she knew Derek was caught in one. He was lost in some hellhole where the world was set ablaze and he couldn’t save anyone or anything.
Her heart damn near broke for him because she understood that piece of Derek Brighton that had eluded her before. He hurt. He ached. When he closed his eyes, he went to Hell.
She knew that feeling. Sometimes, not often anymore, but sometimes when she closed her eyes, she saw herself lying on a toilet, her cheek against the seat. Kevin had found her there. He’d picked her up and carried her out and she’d woken up with a woman she didn’t know holding her hand. Her mother-in-law. Kevin had shown up a couple of days later. He’d paid for her rehab. He’d offered her a new life. She’d married him six months later.
Who had been there for Derek?
She took a deep breath and made her decision. She couldn’t leave him there. He was stuck in someplace horrible. Yes, he would very likely attack her ass. It was what happened when some dumb girl decided to get involved with PTSD boy, but she couldn’t leave him there.
“Derek.” She said his name in a firm tone of voice. Karina walked to the bar and set the gun down. She wouldn’t need it. The door was locked. The sounds she had heard had all come from Derek. The only true horrors were in his brain. She could handle that.
“No. Fucking no.” He grunted the words quietly.
Poor baby boy. Her heart ached for him because she understood. She might not know the hows and whys, but she hurt for him.
“Derek, sweetie, wake up.” She reached down to press her finger to Derek’s chest in hopes of waking him.
His hand shot out, caging her wrist, dragging her down. “No. Fucking no. No. No. No.”
And she was dragged into his Hell. Which would be horrible if she wasn’t so competent. She immediately twisted her wrist and dragged her hand away from the big bad Dom.
He seemed to struggle with that. He sat straight up and turned her way, his body aggressive in his pursuit of her. His hand came out, capturing her wrist again and dragging her toward him.
“You don’t get to kill me. Do you know what I’ve fucking been through? Do you think I’ll let you have me?” His voice was like gravel, like he hadn’t had a drink in weeks.
What had he been through? She knew he’d been stationed in Afghanistan at the beginning of the war.
He needed her. That much was clear. He needed her strength. He needed someone who understood how shitty it had been, not someone who cried and hoped he woke up.
“Derek.” She used her best alpha voice.
Derek reached up and grabbed her throat. He was damn fucking serious. She felt every inch of his will.
“No.” His hands closed around her.
And she decided t
o put him on his ass.
Karina dragged him up. She wasn’t stupid. She had a few minutes of adrenaline rush plus good training to know how to save herself. She knew just how to work him. She pulled and pushed until he was on the floor in front of her. She took a deep breath as she looked down at him.
“No.” Despite the fact that he’d fallen, he was still insistent. He reached up for her. He clawed to get to her. He was determined that she not get away. She let him grasp her wrist, knowing she could free herself at any moment. She had the upper hand. She was fully conscious. She truly understood where she was and he was fighting demons he saw in his nightmares.
“Come on, Brighton. It’s time to wake up.” She started to squeeze his hand, gently trying to bring him out of the nightmare.
And she found herself on the floor. The big guy was strong even in his sleep.
“No.” He held her down with his body, his weight making a cage she couldn’t easily break. His chest was against hers.
“Brighton, I don’t want to hurt you.” But she was beginning to think she would have to.
His hand moved to her throat and his eyes were open now. There was a vacancy in them that disturbed her. He was staring down at her, but obviously not seeing what was right in front of him.
“Hush. You have to be quiet. You have to fucking shut up. You know they’re right outside.”
“I’ll be quiet.” She needed to calm him down. She wasn’t really afraid of him. Her knee was in the proper position to wake him up very quickly if she had to, but she preferred to help him. He might hold it against her if she shoved his balls into his body cavity.
His head came low. He spoke right into her ear as though he was terrified someone would hear him. “They’re right outside that door. You can’t make a sound. I know it hurts, but you can’t imagine what they’ll do to you if they catch us. I’m going to get you out of here, Jones. I’m going to get you back to your family but you have to be quiet.”
His hand slowly came up, about to cover her mouth. She couldn’t be sure what would happen next, but she knew she had a shot at changing the script playing out in his head. She was betting Jones wasn’t female.
She brought her mouth to his, catching him in a kiss.
His head immediately came up, his eyes flaring. “What the hell?” He stared down at her, obviously back to his normal, taciturn self. “Karina? What are you doing?”
She bit back a giggle because she wasn’t sure how he thought she’d managed to get underneath him to “do” something. “Welcome back to the real world, Brighton. That was a hell of a dream you were having.”
He shook his head and finally managed to roll off her. “I was dreaming about something that happened a while back.” He shoved a hand across his hair. “Did I hurt you?”
Karina moved toward him. It was instinctive, she told herself. She comforted people and Derek was obviously in need. It had nothing to do with how much she wanted to put her hands on him again, how much she longed to be close to him. “You didn’t hurt me, Derek. I’m fine.”
She placed a hand on his shoulder, but he was on his feet in an instant, looking down on her, his eyes narrowed. “You’re just lucky. You can’t be anywhere near me when I get into that state. I could have hurt you. You have no fucking idea what goes through my head.”
Oh, she’d heard enough, knew enough about his history to guess. “You were going to put your hand across my mouth to keep me quiet, Brighton. It wasn’t exactly a vicious attack.”
His jaw hardened, every word coming out of his mouth in a harsh grind. “So you thought it would be a good idea to try to get some? What the fuck was that, Karina? If you want a little cock, all you have to do is ask. I already told you I’m more than willing to fuck you while we’re on the case. But I don’t like being manipulated.”
Oh, she was done with him. “You know what, Brighton? Screw you. The next time I hear you crying out in the middle of the night, I’ll ignore it and let you stay wherever the hell it is you go. I was trying to help you.”
“By having sex with me? You really know how to help a guy.”
He was an ass. She got off the floor and got into his space. He needed to understand that he couldn’t intimidate her. “Well, I had two choices in how to deal with you. I could kiss you and hope that brought you out of it because I’m betting Jones wasn’t someone you would exchange saliva with, or I could have brought my knee up and made sure you could taste your own semen. I know which one I’ll pick next time.”
She turned to go, but he gripped her wrist. “I’m not done.”
With two sharp twists, she was out of his hold. “I am. Good night, Brighton. Sweet dreams.”
She slammed the door between them and immediately the tears started. She turned and put her back to the door, sliding down. There was zero point in getting back in bed. She wouldn’t sleep.
He was such a bastard. Screw him. She didn’t need him. She was perfectly fine on her own. She would keep the door closed between them and in the morning they would go right back to being somewhat chilly strangers. That was the only way to deal with him.
She would ignore the heat between them because he couldn’t possibly feel it. If he felt it, he would be kinder, want more from her. He wouldn’t bat her away like a wounded bear.
“It was Afghanistan.” His voice was quiet, but she could easily hear him through the door. She felt it the minute he put his back to the door on his side.
She didn’t care. Not a bit. Nope. She didn’t give a shit that he’d been in Afghanistan and served his country and apparently still had nightmares about it. “Did you get pinned down?”
Yes, she was just a little curious. No more than that.
There was a long sigh from the other side of the door. “Yeah. We were close-quarters fighting. We got into a firefight in Fallujah and me and Jones got cut off from the rest of the team. You got to understand. The streets are really narrow and when your adrenaline is up, you just kind of react. It was a part of the city we hadn’t been in before. Taliban held.”
“So you were surrounded?”
“Not exactly. It was just the two of us and he’d taken some fire. I had to get him out of there. I thought I remembered the way back, but I just took us deeper in.”
She closed her eyes, not wanting to think about how horrifying that must have been. On the run without the rest of his team, Brighton would have felt a deep sense of responsibility for Jones. “How bad off was your teammate?”
“He’d taken a couple to his right leg. By the time we could stop, he was bleeding pretty freely. I found an abandoned building and we slipped inside. It was rat infested, a real pit, but I didn’t have another option. I had to stop the bleeding.”
“And keep him quiet. He was probably in a lot of pain,” she guessed.
“Yes. I had to put him in worse pain because I had to dig the bullet out. He screamed. God, I can still hear it and I couldn’t do anything but stuff a rag in his mouth because they were everywhere. I could hear them moving around, shouting at others to look for us. They actually came in at one point. I hid us under some garbage. I kept my hand over his mouth so he couldn’t cry out. I damn near suffocated him. Do you know what I felt like in that moment?”
Powerless. He would have been utterly out of control and praying to anyone who would listen to save him. How humbling must that have been for a man like Derek? She couldn’t help it. She was stupid. Utterly ridiculous. She knew it was dumb, but she softened toward him. Her heart was an ignorant thing. It just kept reaching out.
“How did you get out?”
There was a long moment where she worried she’d lost him. He would go back to his couch and she to her bed, both in their respective corners, and the fight would begin again in the morning like nothing had happened the night before.
“He bled out.” The words sounded hollow, utterly haunted. “I tried to tie the damage off. I tried to stay up so I could watch over him. But I fucking fell asleep and when I woke up h
e was dead. He was twenty-three years old. I’d promised to get him back to his family.”
“I’m going to open the door now.” She couldn’t just sit there when he obviously needed affection.
She heard him shuffling, moving even as she opened the door. And then he was there, his muscular body seeming to shrink in on itself.
“You can’t be around me when I’m like that, Karina. I could have hurt you.”
She followed her instincts now and walked right up to him. He didn’t move as she folded her arms around him, tucking her head under his chin. “I wasn’t going to let you hurt me, Derek. I had a plan.”
It took him a couple of seconds, but his arms wrapped around her, squeezing her tight. His big palm came over her head in a protective gesture that warmed her. “What was your plan?”
It felt so good to be in his arms. The man knew how to hug. He enveloped her, surrounded her. She couldn’t help but cuddle closer. “I kissed you because I figured the dream was from your Army days. I’d tried to talk you awake, but I figured you probably hadn’t kissed your Army buddy a whole lot.”
He chuckled and she felt it all along her spine. “No. I hadn’t even kissed Jones once. It was effective. You stayed calm, didn’t you? I didn’t really worry you at all.”
She would bet he’d freaked the hell out of other women. “It takes a lot to panic me, Brighton. I know you don’t like it, but I can handle myself. And I can handle you. You weren’t going to hurt me.”
“I almost killed Maia once. I thought I was trying to keep Jones quiet, but she was smaller than him. I covered her nose, too. She couldn’t breathe. She hit me, but I didn’t wake up. She finally managed to pick up a glass on the nightstand and broke it over my thick skull.”
So he had his reasons to be worried. “I’m not Maia. I’m bigger and stronger than she is. I bet she hasn’t had the same self-defense training I’ve had.”
His hands began to stroke her. One flowed over her hair, the other down her back. “Yeah, she wouldn’t have thought to kiss me. Do you think you might want to kiss me in some situation other than trying to save your own life?”