‘Elisa, this is Abby,’ I said, waving my arm at her listlessly.
‘It’s Abigail, actually,’ Abby interjected.
‘Right, uh-huh. And, Abby’ – I looked at her pointedly and continued— ‘this is my coworker Elisa.’
‘Hey, we’ve met before, haven’t we?’ Elisa mumbled, her front teeth clamped around a cigarette as she dug in her bag for a lighter.
‘Totally,’ Abby said. She plucked a matchbook off the nearest table and gallantly lit Elisa’s cigarette. ‘Do you have another ciggie for me?’
They made the exchange and began chattering about some new gossip roundup called New York Scoop. I’d heard it discussed in the office. Apparently, even though it had been published for years, nobody had cared about it until the arrival of a saucy new column written by someone using the unclever pseudonym Ellie Insider. It was published twice a week in both the online and print versions, although Ellie’s column – unlike similar Page Six columns by Cindy Adams or Liz Smith – did not have an accompanying photo of the writer. Now Abby was insisting that it was the hottest thing to hit media circles in years, but Elisa was saying that, according to her sources, only select groups from the fashion and entertainment world were reading it obsessively – although she predicted others would soon catch on. This conversation topic remained interesting for a solid minute and a half, before I had the blessed realization that I could simply excuse myself and leave.
It wasn’t until then that I realized I was standing alone in a swarm of gorgeous people who all just happened to have amazing rhythm, and I couldn’t move. Dancing had never been my thing. I’d somehow managed to shuffle my way through a few painful slow songs at high-school dances (always trying desperately to avoid the eight-minute rendition of ‘Stairway to Heaven’) and hop drunkenly along to the jukeboxes at our college dive bars, but this was truly intimidating. Before I could even manage to sway, I was overwhelmed with the same sixth-grade fears. It happened in a fraction of a second, but the feeling that everyone was staring at my baby fat and braces came rushing back. I needed to leave, or at the very least get back to the table and avoid the hell of dancing, but just as I made up my mind to escape, I felt a hand on the small of my back.
‘Hi there,’ said a tall guy with a British accent and a tan so perfect it could have only come from the great indoors. ‘Dance?’
I had to consciously keep from turning around to see if he might be talking to someone else, and before I could even worry about my smoky breath or my shirt, which was damp with perspiration, he had pulled me toward him and started moving. Dancing? We were dancing! I hadn’t been this close to someone since the last time a pervert on the subway had pressed up against me on the morning commute. Re-lax, have fun, re-lax, have fun, I chanted silently, hoping to remain calm and cool. But I didn’t need to do much self-convincing at all; my brain checked out as my body snuggled closer to the golden-skinned god who was offering me another glass of champagne. I sipped that one and then downed the next, and before I knew what was happening, I was perched on his lap, laughing with the table about some scandal or another while the gorgeous stranger played with my hair and lit my cigarettes.
I’d entirely forgotten I was inappropriately dressed in black, that I’d just been insulted by the pint-sized bitch who used to torment me in school, and that I possessed nothing resembling rhythm. I remember watching, slightly reaction-impaired, as one of the Englishman’s friends came over and asked who might be the new, charming creature on his lap. I didn’t even realize they were talking about me until he hugged me from behind and said, ‘She’s my discovery – brill, isn’t she?’ And I, the charming creature, the brill discovery, giggled delightedly, grabbed his face between both my hands, and kissed him squarely on the mouth. Which is, thankfully, the very last thing I remember at all.
8
The sound of an angry male voice jolted me awake. I wondered briefly if there was actually someone standing above the bed, driving a shovel into my head. The throbbing was so steady it was almost comforting, until I realized that I was not, in fact, in my own bed. Nor was last night’s all-black-all-wrong outfit in sight; instead, I was wearing a pair of unnervingly tight gray Calvin Klein boxer briefs and a giant white T-shirt that read SPORTS CLUB LA. Don’t panic, I instructed myself, trying to make out the words of the faraway male voice. Think. Where were you and what were you doing last night? Considering that I was not in the general habit of blacking out and waking up in strange places, I congratulated myself on a good start. Let’s see. Elisa called, dinner at Cipriani’s, cab to Bungalow 8, everyone at a table, dancing with … some tan British guy. Shit. The last thing I remember is dancing with a nameless man in a club and now I’m in a bed – albeit a huge, comfortable one with extremely soft sheets – I don’t recognize.
‘How many times do I have to tell you? You simply cannot wash Pratesi sheets in hot water!’ The male voice was shouting now. I jumped out of bed and checked for escape routes, but a quick glance out the window told me we were at least twenty floors off the ground.
‘Yes, sir, I am sorry, sir,’ said a whimpering female voice with a Spanish accent.
‘I’m keen to believe that, Manuela, I really am. I’m a reasonable bloke, but this just cannot continue. I’m afraid I have to dismiss you.’
‘But, sir, if I can just—’
‘I’m sorry, Manuela, but my decision is final. I’ll pay you your wages for the rest of the week, but that will be all.’ I heard some rustling and muffled crying, and then there was nothing but silence until a door slammed shut a few minutes later.
My stomach sent me the signal that it wasn’t going to tolerate its hangover much longer, and I glanced around frantically to locate the bathroom. I was rooting around for my clothes, debating whether it was better for him to see me half-clothed or throwing up since there clearly wasn’t time to remedy both issues, when he walked in.
‘Hello,’ he said, barely glancing in my direction. ‘Are you feeling all right? You were fairly pissed last night.’
His appearance distracted me to such an extent that I actually forgot I was about to be sick. He looked even tanner than I remembered, which was only highlighted by a skintight white T-shirt, flowy white pants, and some of the straightest, brightest teeth I’ve ever seen in a British mouth. He was like Enrique in The Tycoon’s Virgin Bride, his looks utterly begging to be on a dust jacket.
‘Uh, yeah, I guess I was. This, uh, has never really happened to me before. I’m afraid I don’t even remember your name.’
He seemed to remember that I was an actual person and not a bed adornment, and sat down next to me on the pillow.
‘I’m Philip. Philip Weston. And don’t worry about it – I only brought you back here because I couldn’t get two taxis and didn’t want to maneuver to the East Side. Nothing happened. I’m not some rapist. I’m an attorney, actually,’ he said with not a little pride in a thick, upper-crust English accent.
‘Oh, well, thanks so much. I really didn’t think I drank that much, but I don’t remember anything after dancing with you.’
‘Yes, well, it happens. Stressful fucking morning so far, don’t you think? I loathe having my post-yoga calm shattered by rubbish like this.’
‘Yeah.’ He didn’t just wake up in a stranger’s bed, but I wasn’t feeling great about my arguing position.
‘My housekeeper was washing my Pratesi sheets in scalding-hot water. I mean, what bloody good are they if you have to double-check every move they make? Can you imagine what a disaster it would’ve been if I hadn’t spotted it?’
Gay. He was definitely gay. He wasn’t Enrique, but Enrique’s fey friend Emilio. This was a tremendous relief.
‘What would have happened, exactly?’ I washed my own sheets in hot water and dried them on high because it seemed like the best way to make them softer faster. But then again, I’d bought them at Macy’s and admittedly didn’t spend all that much time thinking about it.
‘What would have happened?
Are you serious?’ He strode across the room and spritzed some Helmut Lang cologne on his neck. ‘She would’ve burned out the thread count, that’s what! Those sheets cost twenty-eight hundred pounds for a king set, and she would have destroyed them!’ He put the bottle down and began patting what I hoped was aftershave but was more likely moisturizer into his golden skin. I did a quick calculation: four thousand dollars.
‘Oh. I guess I didn’t understand. I, uh, I didn’t know sheets could be that expensive. But I’m sure if I paid that much for them, I’d be concerned, too.’
‘Yes, well, I’m sorry you had to endure all that.’ He pulled the T-shirt over his head to reveal a completely bare, perfectly sculpted chest. It was almost a shame he was gay, considering just how good-looking he was. He closed the bathroom door briefly and turned the shower on, and then a few minutes later he emerged wearing only a towel. Pulling a dress shirt and suit from the oak-paneled walk-in closet, he handed me my clothes in a neatly folded pile and discreetly left the room while I stripped.
‘Will you be all right getting home?’ Philip called from what sounded like a million miles away. ‘I must be off to work. Early meeting.’
Work. Jesus Christ, I’d completely and entirely forgotten that I was currently employed, but a quick check of the bedside clock reassured me that it was only a little after seven. He’d already been to yoga and back, and we couldn’t have possibly gotten home before three in the morning. I had a brief but intense flashback to the one and only time I’d gone to yoga. I’d been fumbling through my first class for thirty minutes when the teacher had announced thirty seconds into our current pose – the half-moon pose, to be precise – that it was equivalent to eight hours of sleep. I’d accidentally snorted and she’d asked me if there was a problem. Luckily I’d been able to restrain myself from asking what was really on my mind: namely, why had no one before enlightened us to the miracle of the half-moon pose? Why, for all these centuries, have humans wasted a third of their lifetimes sleeping when they could’ve just bent at the waist for one half of one minute? Instead, I mumbled something about it being a ‘really cool concept’ and sneaked out when she wasn’t looking.
Philip’s hallway was longer than the entire length of my apartment, and I had to follow the sound of his voice to find the right room. Colorful abstracts hung on the walls and the dark-stained wood floors – real wood, not New York parquet – highlighted the stark, metal-frame furniture. The entire place looked like a Ligne Roset floor sample, as though it had been plucked directly from the showroom and put back together in this guy’s apartment. I counted a total of three full bathrooms, two bedrooms, a living room, and a study (complete with floor-to-ceiling built-in bookcases, two Mac G4 computers, and a wine rack) before I found him leaning against his granite counter-top, feeding blood oranges into a high-tech juicer. I didn’t even own a can opener.
‘You do yoga? I don’t know any guys who do yoga.’ Any straight guys, that is, I thought to myself.
‘Of course. It’s smashing strength training, and I love how it clears your mind as well. Very American, I suppose, but worthwhile nonetheless. You should try it with me.’ And before I knew what was happening, he lifted me up on the counter, pushed my knees apart so he could come closer, and began kissing my neck.
Instinctively, I jumped off the counter, which resulted only in my pushing even farther into him.
‘I thought, well, um, aren’t you …’
Two clear green eyes stared back at me, waiting.
‘It’s just that, uh, considering last night and the whole, you know, Pratesi thing and the yoga class …’
Still waiting. No help here.
‘Aren’t you gay?’ I held my breath, hoping he wasn’t still in the closet or, worse, out but self-hating.
‘Gay?’
‘Yeah, as in, liking guys.’
‘Are you serious?’
‘Well, I don’t know, it just seemed—’
‘Gay? You think I’m a homosexual?’
I felt like I was roaming around on the set of some sort of reality TV show where everyone was in on the secret but me. Clues, so many clues, but no real information. I was trying to piece it all together as quickly as possible, but nothing was quite working out.
‘Well, of course, I don’t know you at all. It’s just that, well, you dress so nicely and seem to care a lot about your apartment and, uh, you have Helmut Lang cologne. My friend Michael wouldn’t even know who Helmut Lang is …’
He flashed those shiny teeth once more and tousled my hair like one would a toddler’s. ‘Perhaps you’re just spending time with the wrong blokes? I assure you, I’m very, very straight. I’ve just learned to appreciate the finer things. Come now, there’s time to give you a lift home if we hurry.’ He shrugged on a cashmere sweater and grabbed his keys.
We didn’t say anything at all in the elevator ride to the lobby, but darling Philip did manage to pin me against the wall and nibble on my lips, which somehow felt utterly disgusting and heart-stoppingly amazing all at once.
‘Mmm, you’re delicious. Come here, let me taste you one last time.’ But before he could once again use my face as his own personal Chupa pop, the doors swept open and two uniformed doormen turned to witness our arrival.
‘Bugger off,’ Philip announced, walking ahead of me and raising his hand up, palm forward, to the grinning men. ‘I don’t want to hear it today.’
They snickered, obviously accustomed to the routine of Philip escorting strange women out of his apartment, and silently pulled open the door. It wasn’t until we stepped outside that I had any idea where we were: Christopher and Greenwich, all the way west, about a block from the river. The famous Archives building.
‘Where do you live?’ he asked, pulling a silver helmet out from underneath the seat of a Vespa, which was resting under a monogrammed tarp three feet from the building’s entrance.
‘Murray Hill. Is that okay?’
He laughed, not nicely. ‘I don’t know, you tell me. I sure wouldn’t clamor to live in Murray Hill, but hey, whatever turns you on.’
‘I meant,’ I said tightly, no longer even attempting to keep up with his psycho-style mood swings, ‘is it okay for you to drop me off? I can certainly take a cab.’
‘Whatever you want, love. No worries for me. My office is midtown east, so you’re right on the way.’ He occupied himself by fishing his keys from his pants pocket and securing his Hermès bag to the back of the bike. Scooter. ‘Let’s just get a move on, okay? People are needing me right now.’ He swung his legs over the bike and deigned to look my way. ‘So?’
I was momentarily speechless, until he actually snapped his fingers. ‘C’mon, sweetheart, decision time here. Ride or not? It’s not so difficult. You sure didn’t seem this indecisive last night. …’
I’ve always harbored the classic girl fantasy of having a real reason to slap some jerk across the face, and the opportunity had just presented itself in Technicolor. But I was dumbfounded by the finger snapping and the suggestion that something actually had happened last night, so I just turned my back and began walking down the block.
He called out, sounding almost worried, ‘You don’t have to be so sensitive, love. I was just kidding around. Absolutely nothing went down last night. Not you, not me. …’ I heard him chuckle at his own cleverness, but I just kept walking.
‘Fine. Be that way. I don’t have time for the drama right now, but I’ll track you down. Seriously, it’s not often a woman can resist my charms, so consider me duly intrigued. Leave your number with my doorman and I’ll give you a call.’ The Vespa’s engine caught and he sped away, and although I’d just been insulted and abandoned, I still felt like I’d somehow won … if he was telling the truth, of course, and I actually hadn’t slept with him in a wasted stupor.
The victory lasted all of forty minutes, during which time I jumped in a cab, raced home, took a washcloth-bath in the bathroom sink, and applied copious amounts of deodorant to my underarms, bab
y powder to my scalp, and scented moisturizer everywhere else. I raced around the apartment looking for clean clothes and wondered how I would ever manage to be a good mother when I couldn’t even remember to care for my own dog. Millington was sulking in the corner under the coffee table, punishing me for abandoning her the previous evening. She’d also peed on my pillow for good measure, but there wasn’t time to clean it up. I managed to wedge between the throngs of commuters and arrive at the office at exactly one minute after nine. I was fantasizing about devouring the only known hangover cure, a large street coffee and bacon, egg, and cheese on a buttered roll, when Elisa motioned me over. She’d saved a space near the sunniest window and appeared to be quite eager to talk to me.
The office was a giant rectangle, surrounded on all sides by sleek leather couches and sitting areas. There weren’t technically individual desks, just two giant, half-moon-shaped tables that formed a circle with two small breaks where the half-moons didn’t quite meet, allowing access to the shared faxes and printers in the middle. We each had our own laptop that we could either lock in the closet or take home at night, and workspace was doled out on a first-come-first-served basis every morning. We all scrambled to sit in the two or three spots around the circle where Kelly couldn’t see your computer screen from her office, and Elisa had managed to snag a few feet of prime space. I dropped my laptop on the table and very carefully removed the coffee from its paper bag, taking care not to spill a single golden drop. Elisa was practically panting.
‘Oh, Bette, sit the hell down already. Tell me everything, I can barely stand it.’
‘Tell you what? I had a great time last night. Thanks for inviting me.’
‘Shut up!’ she was squealing, which appeared to be her only method of communication. ‘How was …’ Pause. Deep breath. ‘Philippe?’
‘Philippe? Don’t you mean Philip? He sure didn’t seem French to me.’
‘Oh, God, you are truly missing the point. He’s absolutely fabulous, don’t you think?’
Lauren Weisberger 5-Book Collection: The Devil Wears Prada, Revenge Wears Prada, Everyone Worth Know Page 52