by Toni Mari
“Okay,” I said despite the meaningful look from Jill.
“Len went to find Doreen. He has this crazy idea that she’ll want him now. She never wanted him before, and I don’t see that changing,” Brandon chuckled. “Anyway, we may have to wait a while to leave, until he’s convinced.”
We got food and drinks and found a place at the back of the stands to eat. We chatted easily, mentioning Cory every now and then. Brandon was nothing but polite, and I stopped worrying about what Jill had said. He was Cory’s friend and he was being nice to me for that reason.
It surprised me, then, while we were walking back to the trailer when Brandon took my hand, pulled me to him, and kissed me.
That first time Cory kissed me flashed through my head. The instant fireworks, the immediate heat. Brandon's kiss was soft and gentle. It didn’t light a fire in me. I pushed him away and demanded, “What was that?”
“Well, you know, I like you.” Brandon picked up my hand and toyed with my fingers. He peeked up at me from under his hat.
“I’m your friend’s girlfriend!” I pulled my hand away.
“Cory’s not boyfriend material. I am though, Jane.” Brandon looked into my eyes. “I would treat you real well. I think you’re so beautiful and incredible.”
I sighed. “You’re sweet. But I’m not cheating on Cory.”
“How do you know what he’s doing over there? I could guess. He’s not known for monogamy,” Brandon said sincerely.
“People change. We had, I mean, have something special. He’ll come back to me.” I nodded. I didn’t know who I was trying to convince.
Brandon rubbed a hand over his face. “Okay, Jane. I’ll wait and see. But I want you to know, I really care about you.” He took my hand and led me back to his truck.
Chapter 3 4
I jumped out of the truck before Brandon had a chance to turn it off, practically pushing Len out first. “I am going to grab Windsong and braid him while you two finish up. I’ll call my mom for a ride. Thanks.”
“Bye, Jane.” Len called.
“Jane, wait!” Brandon pulled the key out and threw open his door.
Without stopping I twirled around, gave a wave, and kept going.
I stood on a step stool, braiding comb between my teeth. I used a wet sponge to dampen the one-inch-thick wad of mane, and then, smoothed the hair, separated it into three even sections, and stuck the comb back in my mouth as I started to tightly braid. Brandon came strolling in the barn. I kept my eyes on what I was doing.
“Jane, I’m sorry.”
With the comb in my mouth, I couldn’t speak, so I just shook my head.
“I’m not sorry I kissed you. I really wanted to do that, and I want to do it again. I’m sorry I made you uncomfortable. Can we still be friends?”
“Candle in the Wind” by Elton John played from my phone. Cory’s ringtone. Saved by the bell! I spit the comb out, dropped the hair, and fumbled my phone out of my jean’s pocket.
“Hi!”
“We won the gold!”
“Cory, what? You did! Congratulations!” I shrieked. “They won the gold!!” I jumped off the step stool when Windsong swung around, startled by my shout. I jumped up and down.
“Is that Cory? Figures. He won, didn’t he?” Brandon’s voice was ironic.
“What are you doing? Who’s there?” Cory asked.
I hesitated, looking at Brandon. His eyebrows went up. I turned my back. “Brandon. We’re in the barn. I am braiding Windsong for my show tomorrow.”
“Why’s Brandon with you?” Sweat pooled under my shirt.
“He’s not with me. He just stopped by to ask about you,” I said quickly. “Tell me your score. How did it feel? Did you already do the awards?”
Before he could answer, Brandon stepped around me and took the phone. “Congratulations, asshole! I’ll buy you dinner with my winnings when you get back.”
“Hey, Brandon. What are you talking about? What winnings?”
I could hear Cory clearly since Brandon didn’t step away. He locked his eyes on mine.
“Life’s still going on over here. Len and I are champions in the team roping division. We’re going to Vegas! At least, we think we want to hit the finals out there,” Brandon explained.
“Dude, congrats. Tell Len for me too. You’re on for that dinner, but I’m treating.”
“You celebrating, bro?” Brandon put his hand on my chest, holding me back when I tried to take the phone.
“Oh, yeah! They’re having a competitor’s party. All the bigwigs’ll be there.”
I knew what Brandon was doing, he was trying to make Cory admit to fooling around. I turned and stalked away. Jerk!
“Have fun, dude. Here’s Jane.”
I jogged back and snatched the phone from him.
“Sorry, Cory. I am so excited for you. I knew you could do it. I’m so proud of you.”
“I really wish you were here. I’m getting that victory feeling, if you know what I mean.”
I glanced at Brandon, who was listening closely. “I wish I was with you, too.”
“What would you do with me if you were here?” Cory’s voice softened.
Heat flooded my body. Brandon’s eyes narrowed. I whispered, “I’ll tell you when I see you. I’m not alone.”
Cory whispered too, “But I’ll get you that way when I get back there.”
My heart melted. “I can’t wait.”
“Yeah, I gotta go. One more performance tomorrow, so I need my sleep.”
“Bye.” I waited until he pressed the end button, not wanting to be the one to end the call.
Sleep, my foot. He told Brandon he was going to a party. I put the phone in my pocket slowly. To Brandon’s credit, he didn’t say I told you so.
I pulled on yoga pants over my show breeches. Good thing it was still dark out because my eyelids weighed a ton. I spent the night tossing and turning. First, I pictured Cory with other girls’ hands all over him. And then I was peeling Brandon’s hands off of me. I dragged myself downstairs and out to the car. The parents were meeting me later, so I was taking my mom’s car.
I stopped for a couple cappuccinos, keeping my sunglasses on even though it was still dark. As I handed one to Kate, she looked at me suspiciously. “How late did you stay out last night? You look like hell.”
“It wasn’t that. I just didn’t sleep well.”
I slid Windsong’s door open and inspected his braids. Like a true celebrity, he knew how to always look good. His braids were perfect. I dressed him for the trailer and loaded him on.
As I trotted Windsong around the warm-up arena, I had the feeling I was missing something. I could hear Kate’s voice, Windsong was relatively calm, but things just weren’t gelling. I missed Cory and his quiet confidence in me. How could I become so dependent on him in such a short time? What would I do if he didn’t come back to me?
Melinda rode up beside me, breaking in on my bleary thoughts. “I just read an online interview with Cory. He talked about everything—winning the gold, France, and his horse. Except he never mentioned you. Seems he’s doing just fine over there by himself.” She laughed her evil laugh. “Guess you guys are over, huh?” She cantered away.
I blew out a breath and tried to focus. Cory would say Melinda was just trying to rattle me. I got that, but Melinda’s comments were always so close to the way I was feeling, they did rattle me. I rode Windsong , but there was no fire, no connection like at the last show. I needed Cory to do this and he wasn’t there.
“Hello! Jane!” Kate called. “Looks like nobody’s home. Are you riding today? Or just putting in your time?” Kate sounded impatient.
“I’m trying,” I moaned. “My stars are crossed or something. I just can’t seem to find the sweet spot today.”
“Please! There is no sweet spot. Just hard work. Get off your butt and ride!” Kate demanded.
I did my best—that’s what I told myself in the truck on the ride home. My scores from that day�
�s classes were okay, but I didn’t place. I looked at my cell phone screen again, staring at the icon of the missed call from Cory. I wanted to press return call and tell him how I screwed up because he wasn’t there. Not a good idea. Fuck. I told myself to fall asleep.
Chapter 3 5
I was curled up on my bed reading when my phone chirped. I looked at the screen. Kate. I sighed. It was raining and I was giving Windsong the day off after the show yesterday. I didn’t want to talk about yesterday. I rolled back over, ignoring it.
“Jane!” my mom yelled up the stairs. “Pick up the phone. It’s Kate, she says it’s urgent.”
I snapped to attention. Kate wouldn’t call the other line just to yell at me for yesterday. Maybe something was wrong with Windsong. I grabbed the handset off my night table. “What’s wrong? Is it Windsong?”
“No.” Kate sounded like she had been crying. “I just spoke to Chase. Something terrible happened. It’s Jet. He colicked.”
“Oh, no. Does he need surgery? Is he okay?” I sat up straight, my heart pounding.
“It’s worse. They had to put him to sleep. He’s dead.”
“What! Oh, no, no, poor Cory.” I went numb. Beautiful, wise, wonderful Jet, gone.
“Cory and Chase are coming home early. Their flight comes in tomorrow in the afternoon,” Kate continued.
“Who’s picking them up? Can I go to the airport?” I needed to see Cory, to comfort him.
“Cory’s mom is getting them. Chase doesn’t want to bring Cory to the barn at first. Thinks Cory needs some quiet time. Apparently, the media are all over this. They love the drama and the tragedy. You’ll have to call his mom.”
After I hung up, I called Cory’s mom. She agreed to pick me up on her way to the airport. I tried the disposable phone but it just rang and rang. Finally, a recorded voice stated that the voice mailbox had not been set up, so I couldn’t even leave a message.
The next day, I left school early and rode to the airport with Mrs. Banks. When Cory came off the plane, he hugged his mom. He turned to me and pulled me in for a hug, but he didn’t look at me and he didn’t say one word during the ride home. The pain on his face said it all. I held his hand tightly. Chase, in the front seat, talked about France and kept the conversation going with Mrs. Banks. Cory pressed his head against the window.
When we arrived at his house, Cory finally turned to me. “I’m exhausted. I’m just going to head to bed. I’m sorry.” He disappeared into the trailer.
Mrs. Banks looked at me sympathetically and followed him in. I wanted to comfort him, but he obviously didn’t need me. Tears stung my eyes.
Chase put his arm around my shoulders. “Give him time. He’s taking it really hard. The media were trying to blame someone. They were brutal.”
I sat on the curb and watched Chase pull away. They had all forgotten about me. I barely contained my sobs as I climbed into my mom’s car. She put her arms around me and just held me tightly.
I tried to call Cory later that night, but he didn’t answer. For the next few days, I waited to hear from him, but he didn’t call. I didn’t understand. I wanted to help. Was he over me already?
Brandon showed up at the barn while I was tacking up Windsong.
“Hey, how’s it going?” Brandon asked. “Hey, what’s wrong?”
I tried to hide my face from him. I had been crying into Windsong’s mane. “Nothing. Bad day, that’s all,” I mumbled.
“Tell me, Jane,” Brandon cajoled. “It’s okay. Did Cory break up with you?” he asked, and there was a note of hope in his voice.
“No! It’s just that he hasn’t called or anything. He’s still mourning, I guess. Why did you ask that? What do you know?” I asked suspiciously.
“Well, I guess he hasn’t told you that he’s driving to Vegas with us, has he?”
“No.” I froze in midstep. Cory was leaving town, again?
“Shit. He is such an asshole,” Brandon said as he reached for me, pressing my face to his chest. “Speaking of the asshole, here he is.”
Cory’s truck crept in the driveway. Brandon didn’t release me right away, but I pushed him off. I wiped the tears from my cheeks on my shirt. Then I turned to face Cory.
Cory got out of the truck right in front of the barn entrance. He walked like an old man, moving slowly toward us. His tall, lanky body slumped forward and his hat was pulled low down over his brow. When his head came up, his eyes were haunted. I stared at him. He stopped and his hand shook as he pushed his hat back. I was keenly aware of Brandon leaning against the wall behind me. Wishing he would go away so that I could talk to Cory alone, I threw him a look. His gaze was not friendly, but it was fixed on Cory.
Cory’s eyes flicked toward Brandon. “Guys,” Cory greeted us, gravel in his voice.
Brandon and I stepped forward. “Cory, are you okay?” I asked cautiously at the same time that Brandon said, “Where’ve you been, asshole?” and held up his hand for a fist bump.
Cory blew out a breath and just shook his head. He gave Brandon a tap on the knuckles, but he didn’t move any closer to me. I gritted my teeth and held myself stiffly in place.
“This place. I can’t do this. I can’t stay here. Call you later?” he rasped, his hands in tight fists by his sides. He spun abruptly on his heel and started back to his truck.
“Cory!” I called and jogged up beside him. “That’s it? I haven’t seen or heard from you in over a week, and you just say ‘hi’?”
“Jane, I can’t be here,” Cory whispered, his gaze fixed on his boots.
I couldn’t miss the anguish on his face and my anger evaporated. “Can I come over when I’m done here? Cory, just to see you, to talk?”
“Okay,” he breathed and hustled out of the barn.
I stood there looking after him until I felt arms come around me. I held myself rigid.
“I’m sorry, honey. You okay?”
I squeezed my eyes shut. Cory came to the barn to see me, he said I could come over. We would work it out. It would be just fine. If he needed to go away for a couple weeks, I got that. No worries. I pushed myself out of Brandon’s arms. “No worries. Let me get back to my horse.”
Cory opened the screen door for me and led me to the tiny kitchen. “Mom’s working. Want something to drink?”
“Sure, whatever you’re having is fine.” I sat down in one of the two chairs around the aluminum kitchen table.
Cory busied himself pouring soda and setting out a bag of chips. He didn’t say anything.
“Brandon told me that you were going to go to Vegas with him and Len. So, no worries. That’s a good idea, I think,” I started but faded to a stop. I didn’t think it was a good idea. It didn’t make any sense to me. I was here, and I knew I could help him. Why didn’t he want to stay with me?
Cory sat down. “I don’t want to be anywhere near the barn and I don’t have a job, so there’s no reason for me not to go,” he said without looking at me.
“No reason?” I whispered. My throat tightened.
Cory still didn’t look at me. “This is the best thing for you. Jane, you deserve someone so much better than me.”
“There is no one better than you, Cory! Don’t say that!” I sobbed. “I’m in love with you. I don’t want anyone else.”
He finally looked at me. “You don’t understand how it is. I’m no good. You should forget me.”
“What?” I said. “Do you mean how it is with no Jet? It sucks, I miss him too. That’s why we should be with each other. I want to help you.”
“You don’t get it. I killed Jet. I was irresponsible and a jerk. I’m not good at being a boyfriend. I’ll just hurt you.”
“Jet got sick, Cory. You didn’t kill him. Sometimes it just can’t be explained. It hurts, but you gotta accept that.”
“You don’t know what happened. I was drinking at a party, and I passed out. I never did night barn check. He was down all night.” Cory thumped the table. “You will be better off without me. Everyone
will be better off without me.”
“Cory, partying doesn’t make you a bad person. You had just won the gold medal. You’re allowed to celebrate. You didn’t make him sick. When you’re not so upset, you’ll see,” I took his hands in mine.
“Jane, will you listen to me!” Cory said, exasperated. He looked away when he said, “I was with a girl. I was drunk and with a girl. I didn’t think of Jet once, and he lay there all night suffering while I was partying.”
I couldn’t respond. I dropped his hands and sat back. It was true. Cory was telling me he was with another girl. Partying? I swallowed a few times but couldn’t stop the sob that escaped. “I love you. We could figure this out. Please,” I sniffled.
Cory’s bleak eyes pierced mine. “No, we can’t.”
“I gotta go. I can’t do this right now,” I knocked the chair over as I ran out to the car.
Cory didn’t follow me. I glanced back. His head was down on the table. He never looked up.
Chapter 3 6
I rode Windsong every day. Kate was working me hard because Regionals were approaching quickly. Windsong and I had qualified, and Kate kept saying, “If you put your mind to it, Jane, you could win. Now, let’s get to work.”
Only I was finding it hard to put my mind to it. My mind was stuck on that last conversation with Cory in his kitchen. He left for Las Vegas without speaking to me again. He didn’t answer my calls. Was it over between us? It didn’t feel finished. There was more to say. I tried to focus on his return. My mind buzzed with what I wanted to say to him, how I was his friend first and that I wanted to stand by him. France was over, in the past. I was moving forward with the relationship.
Windsong went sideways down the rail of the indoor, snorting at the sound of the rain on the metal roof.
“Jane! Can you wake up? That’s not really a shoulder-in. Make a ten-meter circle and shoulder-in again,” Kate yelled.
I shook my head, hoping to rattle the unproductive thoughts out of it. “Sorry, buddy.” I patted him on the neck and forced myself to concentrate.