by A. E. Radley
“He’s good with the kids. That wasn’t the problem.”
“What was the problem?”
“He’s…”
“A lot?”
“Yeah.”
“He’s very eager. Maybe too eager.” Cara grinned.
“I’m sorry about that. He’s usually not so…” Jesse sighed. “Yes, he is. He’s exactly like that all the time.”
Cara nodded and put her hand down on the seat between them. Jesse could sense it, could feel the magnetism of Cara’s skin so near hers, and she wanted badly to reach out and take her hand. She licked her lips instead and looked up at Cara. Cara’s eyes were on her.
“That’s okay. Jesse, you know if you don’t want to do this, you don’t have to. I don’t want you to be here if you’re not into it.”
“It’s not that,” Jesse said quickly. But she didn’t know what else to say. She searched her mind for the right words, but came up blank. She groaned and covered her eyes. Then she took a deep breath and said, “I tried being a lesbian in college. It didn’t take. I don’t know why I’m here, because I don’t want to lead you on, but there is something between us, and I want to explore that, but I’m scared, and…” She let her hand drop and took a shuddering breath. It hitched in her chest like a sob and she wondered how close she had come to bursting into tears over her run-on admission.
For her credit, Cara hadn’t gone anywhere. She sat in the same position, her gaze soft and unfocused, her lips slightly parted, as she watched Jesse confess her secrets. Then, after a moment, her lips curled into a smile. She reached out and took Jesse’s hand, and after a beat, Jesse relaxed and let her.
“You don’t have to be a lesbian for me,” Cara said, the dimple in her cheek popping with her grin. “You don’t even have to be bisexual. We don’t even have to call this a date.”
Jesse unbuckled her seat belt and flung herself across the seat of the truck in the same moment. Her lips were on Cara’s before she even knew what she was doing. She shoved her hands in Cara’s hair and felt the braid at the back of her head start to slacken as she pulled at the band securing its end. She fluffed out Cara’s hair and it spilled over creamy shoulders that were so feminine, it made Jesse’s heart ache. She kissed her mouth, then her jaw, then her neck as she straddled Cara’s legs.
“Wait -” Cara said into her mouth, and Jesse’s stomach twisted into a knot inside her.
She pulled away, got back into her own seat, and snapped on her seat belt before Cara could catch her breath.
“No, wait, that’s not what I meant,” Cara said as she watched Jesse cross her arms protectively over her chest. “I didn’t want you to stop.”
“Great way of showing it,” Jesse snapped. “Maybe I was right before. This isn’t something we can do. I’m not a lesbian, and you’re not ready for whatever I am.”
“I never said that,” Cara argued. “I only wanted to slow down.”
“I know what slow down means,” Jesse said. She sniffed and sounded haughty even to herself, but she couldn’t stop the train once it had left the station. “I think I’d like you to take me home.”
“Jesse, please,” Cara said.
“Now.” Jesse didn’t want to go home, but she also couldn’t sit in the cab another minute they weren’t driving back to her house. She put her hand on her seat belt as her heart thumped in her chest and her brain screamed at her to stop and think things through. “If you don’t want to take me home, I’m sure I can find someone else who wouldn’t mind.”
Cara sighed and shook her head. “No, I’ll take you home.” She looked at Jesse another hard moment before turning her attention to the ignition and starting the big truck. She paused a beat too long and Jesse thought she would try to argue again, but she didn’t. She simply put the truck into reverse and started backing out of her spot. They left her driveway in silence.
CHAPTER 7
When Jesse got home, she didn’t turn to Cara to say goodbye. She slid out of the big truck, slammed the door behind her, and marched up to her front door instead. She couldn’t see Cara, but she knew she waited until she was safely inside before she so much as moved the truck, and part of Jesse’s heart defrosted at the gesture.
The first thing she saw when she walked in was a live tree standing in the corner of the room. It had been set up in a brand new red stand on top of a glittering white blanket made to look like snow. The idea of snow in her house she had been fighting with a loud heater to keep warm turned her stomach, but the sight of the bright smiles on her kids’ faces made her smile back.
“What do you think?” Chaz asked, holding Misha up to put a fluffy angel on top of the relatively short tree. “Great, right? I know how you love your natural smells, and this has got to be one of the most powerful.”
She kept her smile on, but she knew it didn’t stay in her eyes. “Where did you get it?” she asked through gritted teeth.
“There’s actually a tree farm not far from here. I looked it up on my phone, plugged it into GPS, and the three of us drove out.” His smile fell off. “We had hoped to have it decorated by the time you got back. Did your date not go well?”
Wyatt looked up at her from her position on the floor wrapping the tree in a string of popcorn. Her forehead creased. “Mama, is Cara okay?”
“She’s fine, baby,” Jesse said. She smiled more brightly. “I love the popcorn, and I hope that your dad used his noodle and had you seal them with glue so we don’t get bugs.”
Wyatt crinkled her nose. “No way. Daddy said there aren’t any bugs here. This way,” she said, plucking a piece that was strung on haphazardly and popping it into her mouth, “we can eat it all up by Christmas.”
“Wonderful,” Jesse said. She was finding it hard to keep her smile on. She jerked her head toward the kitchen at Chaz, and he put Misha down by a container of ornaments Jesse didn’t recognize.
“Go ahead and start, buddy,” Chaz told the boy. “Let Mama and I go talk.”
Wyatt sighed. “Is this going to be one of your talks where you raise your voices and Daddy leaves angry?”
Jesse closed her eyes and counted to ten. She wished she had something to clean, then realized she would soon enough once one of the kids broke an ornament or the popcorn started to disintegrate from not being treated pre-stringing. “No, baby. No loud voices. You guys keep up the good work. That tree looks beautiful.” To Chaz, she gestured for him to follow her into the kitchen, then out onto the back porch in case she couldn’t keep her promise to keep her voice down. “What were you thinking, Chaz?”
“I was thinking you hadn’t started decorating for Christmas yet, and it’s two weeks away.”
“If you hadn’t noticed, I’ve been a little busy.”
He gave her a knowing look. “Losing yourself in cleaning?”
“No, I haven’t been -” she started, then clenched her fists mid-sentence and started again. “I don’t like when you do that.”
“Know you too well?”
“Accuse me of things. Our lives have changed, if you haven’t noticed. You can’t just pop up here and start buying things for the house.” She wrapped her arms across her chest. “Making a place for your stuff doesn’t make a place for you here,” she added, knowing it was cruel but not caring.
He took the insult with only a slight pout. “I take it your date didn’t go as planned?”
She growled in frustration and took a few steps away from him. She placed her hands on the porch railing and gazed out over the beautiful winter landscape. This was all hers. It almost put a smile on her face until she thought again about what they were talking about. “There wasn’t supposed to be a date, Chaz. I don’t know if you remember, but I’m not gay.”
“Could have fooled me,” he shot back.
She flung her hair back over her shoulder as she turned. “What does that mean?”
“It means I assumed you must be a lesbian because of the way you’ve always acted. Honestly, I thought you were going to come
out to me in high school the very first time we broke up. I was shocked when you didn’t.”
Jesse gaped at him. True to form, Chaz always left her not knowing what to say or do in his presence. When they were young, she had thought that meant she was in love, but now that they had spent a great deal of their lives together and failed miserably, she realized she was simply off-put by him. His personality left her speechless.
“I’m sorry if I caught you off guard,” he continued. He slid down into one of the deck chairs and settled with his feet up and his arms behind his head. “Wow, that’s some view.”
“It’s a joy,” Jesse said without a smile. “You caught me way off guard, Chaz. What do you think the kids are going to think when you leave here without them in a couple of days? They’re going to lose it, damnit, and it’s going to be like the divorce all over again. And, again, it’s going to be on me to pick up the pieces.”
“That’s not fair,” he started, his arms coming out from behind his head and his feet lifting as if to pull himself up.
“It’s very fair.”
Chaz finished getting up and stood up beside her. Like always, he was only an inch or so taller than her, and it took away from the anger in his face. He looked like a mad child, not a grown man with a beard, and it made a smile slip onto Jesse’s face. And, like always, he couldn’t help but smile back.
“Damnit, Jesse.”
“Damnit, Chaz.”
They smiled at each other, then he closed the distance and wrapped his arms around her in a hug before she knew what hit her. Part of her – the part that was sick of being with a man who never quite fit her ideal - wanted to push him away, but the other part of her that had reveled in having someone who knew her so intimately hugged him back. They stayed that way for a long moment before Jesse finally broke the hug and stepped back away from him. She looked up into his face. Tears tracked down his cheeks and into the scraggly beard that never suited him. He was always so easy to cry.
“We can’t, you know?”
“I know. I just wish -”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry, too.”
The next morning, Jesse woke to the smell of pancakes, and the next, to the scent of coffee and eggs. He stayed for three days, then it was time for him to go back to where he belonged. The kids were devastated, and even Jesse found herself hugging him and thanking him on his way to the waiting Uber. She waved him away and checked her phone. She hadn’t heard from Cara in all that time.
CHAPTER 8
Wyatt threw herself down onto the floor head-first and shrieked with all the power of her small lungs. Then she sucked in a ragged breath, lifted her head again, and slammed it on the floor. The shock of the unexpected pain stopped Wyatt’s screaming long enough for Jesse to grab the girl, pull her up onto her feet, then lift Wyatt into her arms and bring her into the new bedroom. When they got to her bed, Wyatt started to scream again and squirm out of her mother’s arms, but Jesse held firm.
“Wyatt Gwendolyn Waters, that is enough,” Jesse said. She kept her voice down but firm. “I understand that you are frustrated -”
“I’m not frustrated!” Wyatt shrieked. “I’m so sad I could die!” She dragged the last word out into a wail that pierced Jesse’s eardrums and made her wish she had something besides her words to console her.
“I’m sorry you’re sad, baby, but there’s nothing anyone can do about this situation. Your father had to go.”
“He didn’t have to go,” Wyatt said, and bucked hard. Jesse almost lost her grip. “You sent him away because you want to be married to someone else.”
Jesse gawked. “Who told you that?”
“No one! I’m not stupid,” Wyatt wailed.
“No one said you were stupid, baby,” Jesse answered. She bent down while Wyatt wasn’t moving and placed the girl onto her quilted bedspread. “No one thinks so, either. Everyone knows you’re a smart and capable girl.”
“Then why do you treat me like a stupid baby?”
Jesse didn’t have any words to answer her. As she looked at her daughter, she thought back through the events of the last year as they might have appeared in the girl’s eyes, and though Wyatt had kept up a good front, she could see where she might have gotten confused. Maybe even where Jesse and Chaz might have made her feel downright in the dark about their lives and the dissolution of their marriage.
“I’m sorry if we hurt your feelings, Wyatt. Your daddy and I wanted to protect you and Misha from what was going on between us. We didn’t want to hurt you, but it sounds to me like we did just that when we left you out.”
Wyatt sniffled but appeared to be listening. She rubbed a stuffed bear against her cheeks to dry her tears and Jesse didn’t admonish her.
“Your daddy and I just weren’t meant to be married. We were meant to get married to have you and Misha, but not to stay that way. Does that make sense?”
“Not really.”
Jesse sighed and rubbed the bridge of her nose with two fingers. Then she smiled at her daughter. “Do you know how you and your brother both need breathing treatments now, but you might not always?”
“Because of the surgery and the medicine,” Wyatt agreed.
“That’s right. So Daddy and me getting married to have you guys is kind of like your breathing treatments. You need them now so that your bodies can get stronger, but if everything goes according to plan, you won’t need them forever.”
“So everything went according to plan? That’s why you stopped being married?” Wyatt looked suspicious and Jesse knew better than to lie.
“No, it was something like the opposite, but at the same time, it worked.”
“That doesn’t make sense.”
“Grownup life doesn’t always make sense, baby. It just is what it is.”
“You always say that,” Wyatt said, but she wasn’t crying anymore and there was something like a smile on her face.
Jesse smiled and gave her daughter a hug. “And you love me because I’m like a recorder on repeat.”
“I don’t know what that means, but I guess it’s another grownup thing, huh?”
“Yep.”
Wyatt sighed. “I’m sorry I threw a fit, Mama.”
“I know.”
“Did Misha hear me?”
Jesse made a point to listen to the silence from the living room where the boy had fallen asleep an hour earlier. “I don’t think so. If he had, we would probably know it by now. Don’t you think?”
“I do.”
“I love you, Wyatt.”
“I love you, Mama.”
Jesse tucked the little girl into her bed and kissed the tip of her red, runny nose. “I’ll go get you a rag to wash your face. Do you think you can get to sleep then?”
“I think so.”
“That’s my good girl.” Jesse kissed her daughter’s cheek and walked to the door. Once there, she stopped and looked at Wyatt again.
“You’re a good mama.”
Jesse hoped the girl was right.
The next day, Jesse looked up from hanging the wreath on her door to see Cara’s truck bumping down the driveway. She got off the step ladder and waited, hands on her hips, to see what she might want without calling ahead of time. When Cara reached the end of the drive, she put the truck in park, killed it, and got out in what seemed like one smooth move. She was walking up the steps with a bundle of flowers when Jesse called out.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“Apologizing.”
“For what?”
“For pushing you into something you weren’t feeling. I’m sorry. Can we still be friends?” Cara asked with the flowers still clutched in one hand.
“What are those?”
Cara lifted the flowers nonchalantly with one hand. “These? These are for Wyatt and Misha. Are they around? I have to apologize to them, too.”
Jesse rolled her eyes but opened the door to let Cara in. As much as she hated to admit it, she had
missed her desperately in the time they had been apart. She watched as she crossed the threshold and admired the shape of her in her well-cut coat and dark jeans. Maybe she wasn’t a lesbian, but it wasn’t a stretch to say she enjoyed the shape of a woman’s body. She blushed at the thought.
“I have a surprise for my two favorite people,” Cara called out in a sing-song voice.
Jesse followed behind and heard the stomp of one set of little feet as Misha came from his bedroom where he was engrossed in a puzzle. “Cara!” he squealed, and threw himself into her arms. “Cara, I miss you!”
“I missed you, too, buddy,” Cara said as she hugged him tight.
She caught Jesse’s eye and winked. Jesse blushed and turned back to the door, where the wreath was hanging crooked from being not well-secured. She fiddled with it until it stayed still while Cara and her son spoke behind her.
“Did you bring your truck?” Misha asked.
“I did. Aren’t you going to ask me about the flowers?” Cara replied.
Jesse glanced at Misha. He stared at the flowers as if they were alien artifacts. “What are the flowers for?” he asked.
“They’re for you and your sister, to apologize for being away. Where is Wyatt, anyway?”
Misha shook his head in an exaggerated gesture and Jesse wondered the same thing. She passed by Cara and Misha to go to the hallway and caught a whiff of Cara’s shampoo. It sent shivers down her body, but she tried not to give in to the sensation. When she reached the hall, she called out.
“Wyatt, honey?”
“Yes, Mama?”
“Cara’s here.”
“I know.”
Jesse was shocked. She glanced at Cara, who shrugged along with Misha, then started down the hallway. She couldn’t think of any reason Wyatt wouldn’t want to see Cara; by all accounts, Cara was one of her newest favorite people, and the idea that she was in the house and Wyatt wasn’t excited didn’t sit well with Jesse.
When she got to Wyatt’s room, she peeked in with an encouraging smile. “Feeling shy today, are we?”