“We’ll wait,” Alicia told her. “You’re driving!”
Mom sent me a picture of the three of us that Uncle Paul had taken during the summer of 1969 on the beach in Atlantic City. I had the picture copied and framed to present to my cousins as a small token of appreciation.
“This is for you,” I said tearing the paper off the picture after we ate.
“Dani!” Andrea exclaimed. “This is so nice!”
“Where did you get that from?” Alicia asked.
“My mom sent me the picture in one of her letters. I thought it was cute and wanted you guys to have a copy.”
“Thank you,” they said in unison.
“I really appreciate your letting me stay here,” I told them. “I had a great summer.”
“Would it have still been great without Greg?” Andrea smirked with a raised eyebrow.
“Yeah.”
“Well, what about Greg?” Alicia asked.
“What do you mean?”
“What’s up with the relationship now that you’re going home?”
“I know how to get to Harrisburg,” I smiled. “He’s trying to get a job at the Hershey Medical Center. He wants to stay near his parents so he can help them.”
“He’s so perfect,” Andrea stated sarcastically.
Alicia changed the subject to their upcoming vacation. She and Andrea were going on a seven-day cruise to the Grand Cayman Islands the week after I left.
August had come too quickly and before I realized it, my internship was ending and I would be going home. I had not applied to any graduate programs before leaving Penn State, and it became necessary to make some decisions about what I was going to do next. I was sure of my love for Greg and decided to wait until he found a job before applying to graduate school. In my mind our wedding was imminent; I had to be with him. My boss was applying for another grant to support additional staff and said she would be pleased to have me on her team. I promised to keep in touch with her – it was something to fall back on if Greg stayed in Pittsburgh.
Greg was interviewing in Harrisburg for most of my last week in Pittsburgh. I was selfishly disappointed and he promised to come back on Tuesday so we could spend the rest of the week together. Greg called Tuesday night apologizing for feeling torn between coming back to see me and spending a few days with his parents. We made dinner plans for Thursday – that was the last day of my internship and we planned to meet when I got off work at four-thirty.
I was feeling a little tired and had every intention of going home after dinner. When we left Red Lobster, Greg drove to his apartment. Greg said he needed to feel me in his arms before I left. Although I didn’t feel like making love, it seemed like the natural order of things.
“I’m going to miss you,” he told me running his index finger down my back. “How will I make it to December?”
“I don’t know how I’m going to get through the next two weeks.” I snuggled against him.
“Fourteen days until I meet Reverend Allen.” He paused and coyly smiled. “Will I measure up?”
“I’m sure my mom will like you.” I kissed him.
“Girl, you made my summer wonderful.” Greg changed the subject. “Let’s savor these moments.”
“How wonderful?” I asked teasingly, pulling away from him.
“It’s not the sex, it’s you. You’re a jewel.” He pulled me closer to him.
“Are you working a double shift tomorrow?” I whined.
“Unfortunately, but call me Saturday night. I’m off at ten.”
I slept wrapped in his love. In the morning I would wake up in his arms.
Andrea was making coffee when I came in the door at seven o’clock on Friday morning. She shook her head but didn’t say a word. Alicia was sitting in the dining room, she didn’t say anything either. There was no need trying to rationalize my decision to spend the night with Greg – I knew they wouldn’t understand because they didn’t believe he loved me.
I went to my room and couldn’t decide what to do next. I needed to pack my clothes because my bus was leaving at nine the next morning. I also needed something to wear to the luncheon reception for the interns at noon. My head was starting to hurt and my body ached like I was coming down with the flu. I set the alarm clock for ten-thirty and stretched out across the bottom of my bed – packing would have to wait.
It was one-thirty before I left Pittsburgh. My body was tired and it was hard to get out of bed Saturday morning. Alicia agreed I might be coming down with a summer flu, Andrea thought my body was sleep deprived. My headache wouldn’t let me dispute her, and I didn’t want to leave on a bad note, so I let her fuss as she drove down Penn Avenue. We promised to write, call and visit and then we took pictures in the booth in the bus station. I thanked my cousins again and hugged them before boarding the bus.
Thoughts of Greg consumed me on the bus ride home. Love had never been real before him. Mrs. Gregory Henderson, I thought to myself – the doctor’s wife. There was no doubt of our love. Mom had no idea of the seriousness of our relationship, but it would be apparent in Greg’s eyes when he looked at me. Nana would have been disappointed that I gave myself to Greg before marriage; still I believed she was happy for me. I thanked her for the wisdom seeds – joy, love, happiness and peace – they were all mine. One day Greg and I would be writing love letters to each other on Valentine’s Day just like Nana and Grandpa Booker. I would share the letters with my daughters and granddaughters just like Nana had shared her letters with me. My eyes were closed and I smiled at the thought of being in love. I woke up as the bus pulled into the station in Camden.
Mom was leaning on the hood of my dad’s Benz reading an Ebony magazine. Her hair was pulled back into a French roll and the orange of the evening sun highlighted her yellow linen dress. She looked up and smiled as I got off the bus. My mom was classy and looked like a model posing for a photographer. We met at the luggage stand and hugged.
Mom wanted to talk in the car but I needed to put my head back and close my eyes. I had chills and could tell I was coming down with something. Mom sang a medley of hymns as we rode back to the house.
The aroma of my mother’s honey barbeque sauce greeted me as I came in the back door, but the hoagie I had eaten on the bus was bubbling in my stomach. It took everything in me to make it upstairs to the bathroom. After spending twenty minutes with my face in the toilet, Mom came to the door with a glass of warm ginger ale.
“Get those nasty clothes off before you get in the bed.” Mom’s disdain for street clothes on the bed was glaringly apparent and overshadowed her sympathy.
“Mom,” I whined getting up off the bathroom floor, “please let me lay down for ten minutes.”
“I’ll make you some tea. You need to get out of those clothes; you don’t know who sat in that seat on the bus before you. And you’ll feel better in a clean night-shirt.”
There was no need trying to persuade her. No street clothes on the bed had been a long-standing rule in the Allen home. I put on a tee shirt and collapsed onto my bed. When I woke up it was after midnight – I called Greg anyway. There was no answer. I assumed he was still at work.
On Wednesday I was still unable to keep food in my stomach and Mom suggested I go see our family physician. Dr. Morant suspected I was pregnant and I reluctantly consented to an internal exam. My cycle had always been irregular and Greg always used condoms, except the first time. Dr. Morant smiled and said congratulations – I was horrified. My twenty-minute exam turned into a ninety-minute visit. I left the office with a prescription for prenatal vitamins and the names of three OB-GYN’s. I was glad I borrowed Mom’s car and she hadn’t come with me.
Unsure of what to say to my mother, I drove down to Atlantic City and sat on the beach until the sun set. Greg would have to marry me. We would struggle, but we would make it. I could begin graduate school when the baby was about two. This was workable.
There was a message from Greg when I got home. His schedule had been swit
ched and he wasn’t able to come to Smithtown the following weekend but he wanted to know if I would come to Pittsburgh for a few days. I returned the call and said I would. He asked me to stay with him and not let my cousins know I was in town – I agreed. My heart fluttered thinking that Greg knew I was pregnant via some type of paternal intuition. I found moments of solace assuming we would spend our visit planning an October wedding. As there would be no time to get a dress made, I resigned myself to buying one. Greg would have to make time to come to Smithtown so we could tell my parents of our plans.
The chirping of the birds in the tree outside my window greeted me on Thursday as I kicked the sheet off of me. Although it was a humid morning, there was a slight breeze that made the window sheers dance. I heard my dad’s car drive away and met Mom in the kitchen.
She poured water in a teacup as I sat on the stool behind the counter. “Good morning. Do you feel any better?”
“A little.” I avoided eye contact and played with the sugar bowl.
“What did Dr. Morant say?”
“It’s nothing to worry about.” I changed the subject before she would ask any more questions. “I have to go back to Pittsburgh.”
“Why?” You’re still not feeling well. I can see it in your eyes.”
“Dr. Wilkerson, my boss from the internship program, may have a full-time position for me,” I lied. “I need to meet with her next Friday.”
“How long will you be gone?”
“Probably until Sunday.”
Before I could get out of the kitchen she asked, “Who’s Greg? Will you be seeing him while you’re in Pittsburgh?”
I tried to sound nonchalant. “I think I can fit him in.”
“If he misses you so much, why hasn’t he come to visit?”
“He’s a resident at Children’s Hospital. His schedule is crazy.”
“A doctor – you never mentioned him. Will we be meeting him any time soon?” Mom was unusually persistent.
I could feel myself blushing. “Of course, Mom.”
“Seems to be serious. Is it love?”
“Yeah, I really think so.”
“I see.” Mom looked over her glasses. “Just remember Dr. Morant is your doctor.”
I felt transparent – it was as if she knew.
Out of guilt I took the bus to the Greyhound station in Camden. I had lied to my mother and, on top of that, anticipated the five-hour bus ride making me nauseous.
Greg met me at the bus station and I cried when he hugged me.
“It hasn’t been that long,” he teased.
Not wanting to discuss being pregnant in the bus station, I tried to smile.
“What’s the matter?” Greg asked when we got in the car. “I thought you’d be happy to see me.”
I answered without looking at him. “I’m pregnant.”
We rode in silence to his apartment. He never looked at me and intentionally fumbled with his keys while we walked up the steps to his apartment. We sat on the couch. I needed Greg to hold me – he sat at the other end and looked out the window.
“What are we going to do?” I emphasized we.
“I don’t know, this is so sudden. I can’t think.” He continued to stare out the window.
“I can’t have a baby by myself Greg. I’m scared. My dad is going to kill me.” I could feel myself rambling.
“Dani, this complicates everything.” He spoke slowly. “It’s a big step – a major commitment.”
“A major commitment?” I snapped, jumping up off the couch and standing in front of him. “What about me being pregnant? Is it more major than that?”
Greg got up from the couch and stood across the room facing me. “I can’t marry you.”
“Why? What’s the matter? I love you! I thought you loved me?”
He put his head down and put his hands over his face. He took a deep breath and put his hands in his pockets. Sweat was dripping off his forehead. Looking at the floor he whispered, “I do love you, it’s just complicated.”
“What do you mean complicated? Being pregnant without a husband is complicated!” I could hear myself yelling.
“I already have a wife. We were going to get an annulment – then she got pregnant.” Greg spoke without taking a breath, almost as if he were reciting a passage he had practiced and memorized.
His words left me dumbfounded.
“A friend of mine does abortions. We can take care of this tomorrow.” He spoke with an air of cockiness.
My words wouldn’t come. I had to get out of his apartment. The air in the room thinned out and I felt like I was suffocating.
Greg stood in front of the door. “Dani we need to talk about this. I fell in love with you. I am in love with you. This is not something I anticipated. Not right now.” He had a list of pathetic excuses. His voice was no longer audible, it became an annoying drone.
With nothing left to say to him, I picked up my bag and reached for the doorknob. I don’t know how far I walked. I stopped at a phone booth somewhere on Forbes Avenue and called Alicia. I’m not sure how she understood what I was saying, but she came to get me. I told her everything on the way to the house. We sat on the couch and she held me while I cried. Then I put my head back and went to sleep.
“Dani.” Andrea was shaking me. “We need to talk.”
Alicia was on the floor doing sit-ups. Her weak smile let me know she had already told what happened.
I sat up next to Andrea. “You were right.” I buried my face in my hands and began to cry. “He’s married. He has a wife and we’re both pregnant.”
“We need to pray.” Andrea motioned Alicia to join us. “Lord we need you right now. Danielle needs you. Lord she needs you in her life. Touch her heart; let her feel your presence. Touch her mind, give her peace. Lord help me to know how to help her.”
While Andrea prayed I thought about Nana – the wisdom seeds were choking on the weeds of my stupidity and withering in the heat of deception.
“Amen,” I repeated after them. “I don’t know what to do,” I said still holding their hands. “He wants me to have an abortion. Can you believe that?”
“What do you want to do?” Alicia asked. “There’s always adoption.”
“I don’t know. I can’t have an abortion and I can’t give my baby away.” I started to cry again. “I feel so stupid.”
The guest room was a reminder that Andrea had been right. I should have been sleeping in that bed instead of with Greg. Andrea was too gracious to say I told you so and I regretted not listening to her. Guilt and embarrassment kept me awake until almost two o’clock. The first time I made love to Greg played over and over in my head. It had felt so right, felt so good – love wasn’t supposed to hurt.
I pretended to be sleeping until after my cousins left the next morning. It was almost noon before I got out of bed. My mind was still racing and I could feel a migraine coming. “Bubble bath,” I said out loud. “I’ll take a bubble bath.” Hot sudsy water always felt good.
As I let myself sink down in the tub I hummed Nana’s favorite song. I began to cry, again – Nana probably wasn’t smiling. My tears were not growing me, they were drowning me. After twenty minutes the water started getting cold and the bubbles started melting. I wrapped myself in Andrea’s robe and detoured to the kitchen to turn on the tea kettle.
The August sun was bright so I closed the blinds. How could I be pregnant? What was I going to do? Why did I fall in love with a married man? Stupid, that’s what I was, just plain dumb stupid. I didn’t deserve to be anyone’s mother.
The phone interrupted my mental pity party. It was Alicia.
“Hey girl, feeling better?”
“Yeah,” I lied. “I’m okay – just fighting a headache.”
“Dani, we’re here for you. Whatever we can do, really.”
“I know.” I took a deep breath. “It’s appreciated.”
After drinking my tea, I decided to get dressed and make dinner to give my mind something e
lse to think about. The blue jean outfit made me sick. Greg bought it because he liked the way it looked on me. I wished I had something else to put on. Getting dressed proved to be overwhelming and I was taken hostage on the couch by my headache.
“Dani!” Alicia was shaking me and her voice was panicked.
“What?” She startled me because I hadn’t heard her come in.
“What are you doing? You got three bottles of pills on the sink, you’re here in the dark, blinds closed, lights off – did you take any of those pills? Girl, get up!” The shrill in her voice was piercing.
“I’m up.” I interrupted her. “And no, I did not take any of those pills. I was looking for something to take for my headache and decided to sleep it off. The sun was too bright. I closed the blinds so I could sleep.”
Alicia had one hand on her hip and massaged her temples with the other one. “You’re probably hungry. Did you eat today?”
“No.”
“Get dressed.” Alicia was now the bossy one. “We’re meeting Andrea for dinner.”
I reassured Alicia that I was pregnant, not suicidal.
My being pregnant and the best way to tell my parents dominated our dinner conversation. There was no good way to tell either of them and I admitted being afraid my dad would put me out. My cousins agreed he would be furious, but were confident my mom would never let him put me out. I apologized to Andrea and admitted that I should have listed to her.
On the bus ride home I cringed at the thought of having to tell my parents. Mom would be hurt, Dad would be angry. How could I explain my predicament? I would stick with the facts. I loved him and believed he loved me. The thought of loving Greg made me sicker than the thought of telling my parents. Greg had lied to me and probably never loved me. It was a game and he won. I got tagged and I was out. He could say he was first.
4
During the two weeks after I returned from Pittsburgh with my secret, I busied myself job hunting in Atlantic City, Camden and Philly. I had a collection of applications from Psychiatric Departments and Social Service agency – both of which I felt in need of. Fatigue made sleeping difficult and the fear of telling my parents about my pregnancy consumed me. On Friday, I forced myself to go downtown to complete an application at the Community Health Center. The classified ad listed the position as an entry level Case Manager. Although I didn’t feel capable of helping anyone, I desperately needed a job.
Wisdom Seeds Page 6