I quickly acclimated to my job and realized there was a critical need for intervention in the high schools – our agency maintained a waiting list for services. Parents, school counselors, probation officers and pastors were calling on a daily basis for our assistance. Omar Powell, the Program Director, was ecstatic; however, the dire need for our services was a sad testament to the direction our society was moving. The gang phenomenon was spreading across the country like wild fire and killing kids, especially boys. Andrea was a high school counselor and I often consulted with her. She admitted that her office was also being overwhelmed by the increasing violent nature of students and schools were not prepared to handle the gang war.
My job was intense but my co-workers were helpful and seemed to appreciate my tenacity. I was ready to add my classes. I was also grateful that Monday was Labor Day.
Mom called Friday night to tell me she missed her bus. I almost cried because I was looking forward to her visit. Josh was sitting on the floor playing so I joined him. After dinner I put on The Muppet Movie and we fell asleep on the air mattress we were now using for a couch.
My doorbell rang Saturday afternoon. I was shocked and pleasantly surprised that my dad had come with my mom.
“Let me get you a chair,” I said getting my two kitchen stools.
“You need a couch,” my dad smiled. “The first order of business is to get you one.” His countenance was exceptionally pleasant.
I wanted to say you don’t have to, except I both needed and desperately wanted one. “We would really appreciate a couch,” I answered smiling.
“Well, it’s a couch and then lunch.”
I couldn’t remember the last time I had been shopping with my dad and I was grateful.
After shopping, Mom suggested seafood so we found a Red Lobster. It was the first time I had been in one since the last time Greg had taken me.
“How is everything going?” My dad asked as we waited for our food.
“Good,” I smiled, “really good.”
“What about the daycare?” It was only a matter of time before Mom asked. “Does Josh like it?”
“He loves it and it’s a nice place. You’ll have to see it before you leave.”
“Did all of your financial aid come through?” My dad was extremely paternal and it was weird. “Your mother and I don’t want you out here hungry.”
I relished the concern he was showing.
We spent most of Saturday together and I took my parents on a quick tour of the campus. My dad seemed impressed, my mom thought it was huge. On Sunday we attended the church down the street from my apartment and the service reminded me of St. Luke’s. Over dinner, my dad repeatedly mentioned how many young people he noticed at the church and I promised him I would go again. After dinner, we drove through the downtown area.
It was early evening and I convinced my parents to head back to their hotel. Unable to remember the last time they had taken a vacation, I wanted them to spend some time together. Mom promised to stop by on Monday morning before they left.
The alarm startled me at six forty-five and I jumped up wanting to at least have coffee ready when my parents came by. My dad was anxious to get on the road, but they came in for coffee and muffins.
“Keep in touch,” he said standing at the sink, sipping the last of his coffee.
“I will,” I smiled. “Don’t worry I will.”
He put two fifty-dollar bills in my hand and squeezed my hand in his. I hugged him.
“Thank you,” I whispered in his ear.
Mom’s eyes filled with tears as I took Joshua and hugged her before she got in the car. This time, the good-bye was easier.
Joshua and I ate eggs and sausage for breakfast and then headed for the park. It seemed that many parents had the same idea – get the kids to the park early and then home for a long nap. There were a lot of mom’s at the park; still I was jealous of the couples playing with their children. Joshua deserved that, too. He needed a dad that would play with him in the park on sunny afternoons.
My guilt about being a single parent was a major hurdle for me to get over. I wanted so much more for Josh and for me. I wanted us to be a happy family that made many memories. I wanted to know the love Nana talked about. “God,” I sighed out loud, “can you help me?”
While Josh napped I studied the files of my clients and then we watched The Muppet Movie, again. My son fell asleep in my arms.
My classes were not as hard as I imagined – in fact, except for all the required readings, I found graduate school to be much more gratifying than undergrad. The discussions in class were intellectually stimulating and I appreciated only having to take classes in my major.
By November I was ready for Thanksgiving break. The two friends I had made, Denise and Elaine, were both going home for Thanksgiving to take a break before becoming obsessed with studying for finals. Having no idea of what to expect during finals, the uncertainty was overwhelming. On top of finals, I had put in more thirty-hour than twenty-five hour weeks and the thought of driving eighteen hours for a four-day break seemed self-defeating. I called Mom to let her know we would be spending Thanksgiving in Pittsburgh. This would be the last Thanksgiving with ‘just us’ because Alicia was getting married in June.
7
Josh and I arrived in Pittsburgh around noon on Thanksgiving Day. Driving past the Oakland exit on the parkway, I thought about Greg and wondered if he ever thought about Joshua or me. It crossed my mind that Greg might still be in Pittsburgh. I looked over at Joshua sleeping and felt sorry for him. I had made such a horrible mistake and he would be the one to pay – it wasn’t fair. I exited the parkway at Squirrel Hill and detoured down Murray to Forbes Avenue. I had to drive by Greg’s apartment – if he was still in Pittsburgh I needed his son to at least meet him.
The same faded blue curtains were in the window, but I didn’t see his car. The reality that Greg had probably gone home to the wife who didn’t know about Joshua or me was a bitter pill to swallow. If I had had an address, I would have mailed a Christmas card with Josh’s picture and signed it ‘your son’.
I cut across Morewood to Fifth Avenue and took the scenic route to Penn Avenue. The branches on the trees that lined the street were bare. During my last visit the trees were full and green. The trees had changed and so had I.
As I pulled up in front of the house, Alicia and Dennis greeted us in the driveway. “Look at this baby.” Alicia took Josh out of the car. “You are such a cutie!”
“Thank you,” I smiled. “I always knew you thought I was cute.”
“Yeah, you’re cute, too,” Alicia smirked. “You get your stuff, I have the baby.”
Alicia’s fiancé, Dennis, took my bags.
“Let me guess – you must be Dani and that’s Josh,” he said smiling.
“And you must be Dennis?” We shook hands and he took my bag upstairs.
“Where’s Andrea?” I asked hugging Alicia after she sat Josh on the couch.
“She went to the store to get applesauce for Josh. Does he still like it?”
“Yeah, but he eats regular food now. She didn’t have to do that.”
Dennis came back downstairs and started playing with Josh. “How was the drive?”
“Good,” I said noticing how Josh instantly warmed up to him. “I made good time.”
“Do you drive like Alicia?”
“Hey,” Alicia said from the kitchen, “I heard that.”
“She can’t help it,” Dennis teased. “She has a lead foot.”
Alicia joined us and hugged him as he held Josh. “He loves this lead foot.”
I was happy for Alicia because she was happy. Every time we spoke, she talked about Dennis and how much she looked forward to spending the rest of her life with him.
“How are the wedding plans coming along?” I asked feeling the need to have something to say.
“Girl, good as done. And while you’re here we can get you fitted for your dress.”
&nbs
p; Andrea came in the door with a dozen balloons. “Where’s my baby?”
“Balloons,” Josh said running to her. Andrea picked him up and twirled him around.
They both laughed. “How’s my baby?” Andrea asked him in baby talk. “Hey baby cuz,” she looked over at me. “What’s doing?”
“I’m good,” I smiled, “and hungry!”
“We can eat when the bird is done – maybe around two o’clock,” she said still playing with Josh.
Andrea’s boyfriend Harvey joined us for dinner. I was panicked at feeling like a third wheel because I didn’t have a date, but the evening was like being with family. Dennis and Harvey were very social and treated me like we were old friends. Still, I wished I had a date. When I went upstairs to put Josh to bed, my cousins had their goodnights with their boyfriends. One day, I promised myself, someone was going to love me, too.
We reserved Friday night just for us. It would be the last singles night we shared. Alicia and I convinced Andrea to join our oldies party. We put on pajamas and had our own amateur hour, singing along with all of our old favorites – The Touch of You, Don’t Make Me Over, I’ll Never Love This Way Again, By The Time I Get To Phoenix, Midnight Train To Georgia. Then we listened to Alicia’s albums -Brenda & the Tabulations, Little Anthony & the Imperials, Isaac Hayes, The Five Stair Steps, The Emotions, The O’Jays, Tina Marie, Ashford & Simpson, The Jackson Five, and the Delfonics.
We reminisced about where we were and what we were doing when each song was out. Before we knew it, it was four o’clock in the morning. Just like old times, we slept on the floor in the living room.
It rained Saturday and we spent the day watching movies. I was packed to leave Sunday morning until my cousins convinced me to leave after church.
The Sanctuary was crowded and we weren’t able to sit together. I saw a few familiar faces and a few I didn’t recognize hugged me, commenting on how big Joshua had gotten. Joshua played with the little boy sitting behind us. I should have made him turn around and sit quietly, but my mind was back in Columbus – if only they knew. “God,” I whispered during the prayer, “please help me.”
After church we ate leftovers, took pictures and hugged a lot. It was three o’clock before I left and I hoped Joshua would sleep in the car.
It started raining before I hit Wheeling. I hated driving in the rain and my windshield wipers were bad. It was hard to tell if this was a sign from Nana - perhaps she was crying with me. Things were supposed to be better than they were. Funding for my job had been cut and as of January I would be a Graduate Assistant. My stipend would only leave me one hundred and fifty dollars after I paid rent and daycare. I turned on the radio for some driving music and of all songs, Good Morning Heartache was playing. I turned it off and listened to Josh snoring. It rained until I got to Reynoldsburg.
Although Monday morning greeted me with a dreary sky and dark clouds, I reminded myself to have a better attitude. My budget would be cut by a third after the holidays, but it would be less work, no overtime and I wouldn’t have to take any work home. This would be better for Joshua; after all, he loved Spaghetti O’s. I had to refocus on my finals.
The elevator was crowded and had gone by once. My plan was to sign the papers in the Student Affairs office and get to class in time to review my notes before the final. The second elevator was more crowded than the first, but I squeezed on anyway. The minutes in the hour before my next class were ticking away and I wanted to get a cup of coffee.
His breath was hot on my neck. He was standing so close behind me that I could smell his cologne. He smelled good. Lagerfeld. My dad wore that, too.
“I guess I shouldn’t stand this close to a beautiful woman that I don’t know.” He was smiling when I got the courage to turn around.
“Elevators crowded,” was all I could think of to say without blushing.
The door opened on the ground floor and he stepped in front of an elderly gentleman to get in front of me.
He extended his hand as we exited together. “Jason Singleton.”
“Danielle Allen.”
“Nice to meet you.” He walked with me. “I’ve seen you around and you always seem like you’re in a hurry.” He paused. “Do you have time for coffee?”
“Actually, I was on my way to the coffee shop.” I had noticed him before, too.
We walked to the coffee shop and I sat at a small table while he went to the counter.
“I got a lot of sugar and a lot of cream.” Jason handed me the cup before sitting down. “I didn’t know how you like it.”
“Oh, this is fine.” I couldn’t stop smiling. “Thank you.”
He sipped his coffee. “So how do you like OSU?”
“So far, so good. What about you?”
“I like it, but this is déjà vu for me. I completed my undergrad work here.”
“Did you just continue straight through?” I asked, feeling a level of comfort.
“No,” he shook his head. “I graduated, moved to Atlanta, got married, got divorced and then came back for grad school.”
“Wow, you’ve been busy.”
“That’s history – I’m looking forward to graduating in the spring.”
“What are you studying?”
“Finishing my MBA. What about you?”
“Just starting in the School of Education.” I smiled at him because he was smiling at me.
“Teacher?”
“No, Guidance Counselor.”
A female student interrupted us. “Jason, can I talk to you?”
“Would you excuse me for a minute?” He stood to speak with her. “Oh, Danielle, this is Renee, one of my study group members - Renee, Danielle.”
I waved and she spoke a weak hello.
“Jason, I can’t meet tonight – something came up at Will’s job so I don’t have a sitter.”
“It’s okay,” he told her. “I can start the presentation and we can go over it tomorrow. Can we meet after class?”
“Yeah. I’m really sorry about tonight. I know we won’t get anything done if I bring the baby.”
“Renee I understand. Really, it’s okay.”
“Well, I gotta run. See you tomorrow.”
“Nice meeting you,” I said as she left.
“Sorry about that.” Jason smiled as he sat down. “Now that I’m free for the evening, can I take you to dinner?”
“Tonight really isn’t good,” I said quickly, knowing I didn’t have anyone who could baby-sit for me.
“Is that a ‘tonight’ isn’t good or is it that ‘no night’ is good?” He leaned forward on the table. “You’re not married, engaged or madly in love with someone are you?”
“No, none of the above and it’s just tonight,” I couldn’t stop smiling. “I’ll honor a rain check.”
“Promise?”
“Promise.” As I got up from the table, I noticed how much he smiled. “Thanks for the coffee break.”
“How will I claim my rain check?”
“You could meet me at the elevator every Monday and Wednesday at two o’clock or you could call me.”
“I think I’ll try both, but I’ll need your number.”
I wrote my number on a napkin and handed it to him.
The following morning I rushed to get Josh ready. I was anxious about seeing Jason and wanted to have a few minutes to talk if our paths crossed. I should have asked for his number, too. No, I wouldn’t have called. I wondered how long he would wait to call me. The next time I saw him I planned to tell him about Joshua. If he wanted out, it was better to know sooner than later.
There was no sign of him as I walked across campus. So much for a little flirting before class.
Jason called that evening and we talked for two hours. Over the next week and a half we met for coffee or lunch every day. I managed to avoid the date question because we were absorbed in studying for finals and writing papers. Denise and Elaine encouraged me to go for it. I had not dated anyone since Greg and wasn’t sure
how to tell Jason I had a baby. Actually, I was afraid he wouldn’t want to see me anymore. I was enjoying being flirted with, even if it didn’t turn out to be anything. It also felt good to flirt back.
It stormed the night before my second final and Joshua woke up with each crack of thunder. Determined to make him sleep in his bed, I sat next to him and held his hand until he went back to sleep. By the time the sun came up I should have been exhausted, but my mind was racing. I stared out the window watching the street come alive. Mr. Brown was in his door when the paper was hurled from the station wagon. Ms. Paulette and Ms. Edna were coming around the block for their second lap. I hoped I would be out walking laps around the block when I was sixty. Kevin stumbled out the door to take Duke for his morning walk.
I stirred more cream into my coffee and thought about Jason. He wasn’t what I imagined my Prince Charming would look like. He wasn’t six foot five and he didn’t have dimples. I fantasized about someone that made me weak in the knees, like when Diana Ross saw Billy Dee in the nightclub in Lady Sings the Blues. But there was something about Jason. He reminded me of Joey – always neatly dressed in khakis with loafers. He had nice eyes and he always smelled good. Jason came along, seemingly out of nowhere, and touched something in me. He made me laugh, he made me feel beautiful. I would often wake up thinking of him and waiting for his morning call. Jason’s presence made my heart flutter and I liked that. My feelings were frightening.
Walking across campus, I wondered if Jason was just looking for a friend. Was I reading too much into this? Why was he divorced? What was wrong with him? Would he love my child? What would he think of me after finding out I had a baby with a married man? Would he think I was dumb or easy? I entered the room to take my Psych final feeling like I was the one who needed a psychiatrist!
Leaving my last final I had mixed anxiety. Jason and I had agreed we would go on our first date after finals. He still didn’t know about Josh.
Wisdom Seeds Page 11