“I never miss a chance to witness,” Harvey smiled at me as we passed on the steps.
I made the small bedroom into an office and put a daybed in there so it could double as a guestroom. I left the hardwood floors bare and purchased area rugs for the bedrooms, dining room and the living room. On our first night in the apartment I watched the sun set from the bay window in the living room.
This was the first time Josh could remember living in an apartment. He never said he didn’t like it, but he talked about how much he missed the house, his basketball hoop in the driveway, the washer and dryer and the dishwasher that he had come to love. It was an adjustment and his anxiety was heightened at the thought of going to a new school. I selected a parochial college preparatory high school which did not make him happy. This would also be the first time he attended an all-male school. The thought of no girls did not sit well and the excellent reputation of the school meant nothing to him.
Harvey took Josh to a Salvation Soldier meeting and introduced him to young men his age. John, a Salvation Soldier, lived two blocks away from us and they became fast friends. Josh even mentioned joining the Youth Choir and participating in some other activities at the church. I encouraged him to participate and we began attending The Sanctuary regularly.
Church services at The Sanctuary were inspirational and I enjoyed the focus on worship. I began feeling guilty about being angry with God and hoped to move beyond that point in my life. The joy Andrea spoke of was something I longed for. It’s not that she was always happy, or that everything in her life was perfect, but she had a sincere joy about living for and serving a God who she believed supplied her every need. She trusted God for everything and truly believed in the power of prayer. I envied that about her.
Andrea invited me to join the Women’s Ministry and in October I began going with her every third Saturday. Each meeting was opened with prayer concerns and the group prayed for all of them. Testimonies of God’s goodness, grace and mercy were shared, a speaker would present on a topic and one of the members would conclude by playing an instrument, singing or presenting an interpretive dance. The women were like sisters. Everyone had overcome something and their motto, Comfort others with the comfort you yourself have received, was lived by each member. The women also had prayer partners whom they contacted throughout the week by phone or in person. The group welcomed me and it felt good being there. After the second meeting, I wanted to go and looked forward to it.
The fourth Sunday in October was the first time Josh sang with the Youth Choir. He sang about the joy I wanted to have and I hoped, with everything in me, that he was finding that joy, too. I felt reassured that moving to Pittsburgh was the right thing to do.
Working at Turner School turned out to be more political than I anticipated, but still enjoyable. This, however, was a different arena. Although the school’s administrative team implemented an innovative concept to improve student outcomes, they were met with hostility by the teacher’s union and administrators from the remaining schools in the district. Instead of the adults working together for the benefit of the children, two camps emerged. The divisiveness overshadowed the success of the children -politics has no place in education.
My parents came to visit for Thanksgiving and, as usual, stayed in a hotel. Mom said my dad didn’t think we had enough room. What did that mean for family? It wasn’t a problem and my dad knew that. For the sake of having a nice holiday, I let it ride. There was no need starting the holiday with anyone being angry. I met my parents at the airport and drove them to the Hilton.
Thursday was going to be a long day and I told my parents to be ready at noon. Andrea and Harvey were hosting us for dinner at two o’clock. This was my first Thanksgiving without Jason and I was holding on by a thread to get through the day. Additional stress was not needed or welcomed. Before leaving for the hotel I prayed that the day would be one to remember.
Josh came out of the hotel laughing with my parents. Josh walked like Jason and had his smile. He liked the preppie look and was now able to wear Jason’s sweaters. Josh had also kept Jason’s Kangol and wore it with pride.
“Well good afternoon,” I greeted them as they got in the car. “How was your evening?”
“Just fine,” Mom began to say before my dad cut her off.
“The baby in the room next to us cried until after eleven o’clock!”
“I would have turned the TV up,” Josh added.
My dad shook his head. “I did and the baby cried louder.”
“It’s just a baby, honey.” Mom was still trying to make things better.
Josh started telling my parents about the Salvation Soldiers and the Youth Group. I quietly drove to Point Breeze.
Harvey greeted us at the door and introduced himself. “Reverend Allen,” he said extending his hand, “it’s nice to finally meet you. And Mrs. Allen, it is my pleasure to make your acquaintance.”
I couldn’t tell if he was being sincere or patronizing but it sounded good and my parents seemed impressed.
“Uncle D, it’s been such a long time.” Andrea came from the kitchen and greeted my dad with a hug. “How are you?”
“Just fine, just fine.” My dad was, as usual, stoic. “How are you? How’s your father?”
“He’s finally taking it easy,” she said, giving Mom a kiss on the cheek. “How are you Aunt Judy? You’re looking well. Still beautiful, just like I remember.”
Mom handed her coat to Harvey and hugged Andrea.
“My dad had triple by-pass surgery last year.” Andrea continued her response to my dad. “You know how you Allen men are, work-a-holics!”
“Is he doing better?” Mom asked because my dad didn’t.
“Well, he doesn’t have a choice anymore. He’ll either take it easy or it won’t matter.”
Corey came up the steps and he and Josh began acting like they were boxing.
“Who is this handsome young man?” Mom asked.
“This is your great-nephew Corey Allen Terrell.”
“Hi.” Corey was just as cordial as Harvey. “How are you?” He extended his right hand.
“I’m doing just fine.” Dad shook his hand. Mom hugged him.
“Stop kissing up!” Josh teased him and they both laughed.
Dinner was excellent. Harvey and Andrea were both good cooks and had out done themselves. The conversation after dinner was pleasant but my stomach knotted each time Andrea mentioned her father. Thankfully, my dad managed to refrain from any sarcastic comments. Harvey was his usual jovial self and entertained us with his wit and impersonations.
By five-thirty it was apparent that Josh was ready to leave because he kept looking at his watch and asking to use the phone. The afternoon had been memorable and I was grateful. I thanked them for dinner, dropped Josh off at John’s house and then took my parents back to the Hilton.
My dad insisted on taking a cab to my house on Friday. We were having lunch at one.
“So, who’s the lucky girl?” My dad asked Josh as we were eating.
Josh blushed. “Aw Granddad, we’re all just friends.”
“Who would you like to know better?” My dad was actually joking with him. “You don’t change your shirt three times to go out with just friends.”
Josh sat next to his grandfather. “Her name is Sydney.”
“Sydney,” my dad repeated. “That’s a very unique name. Is she pretty?”
“Very.” Josh smiled. “But somebody else already likes her.” He sighed.
“You’re the new kid on the block,” my dad whispered to him. “Use that to your advantage.”
They laughed as Mom and I watched from across the table. This was another magic moment.
My mind’s eye tried to place Sydney. I didn’t know the names of the kids and would have to ask Andrea to point her out. It had not crossed my mind that Josh was getting so involved in the Youth Ministry because he liked a girl in the group. My grief was still consuming me, but it was clearly time to r
efocus on the realities of life. Especially Joshua’s.
We drove my parents to the airport Saturday afternoon and had lunch before they boarded their plane. I promised my mother we would have many more visits. I also told her that Joey asked Josh to be in his wedding in the spring. Josh and I hugged my parents and waved good-bye as they disappeared down the walkway.
“So who is Sydney?” I asked Josh when we got back in the car.
“She’s just a friend, Mom. She sings in the choir.” He was trying to sound nonchalant.
“What do you like about her?”
“She’s really nice and she’s funny.” He couldn’t help smiling.
“And she’s pretty,” I added because he left that out.
“Yeah, she’s pretty.”
“What else do you know about her?”
“She wants to be an actress so she can pay for medical school. She has a little sister and she lives with her mom.” He rattled off the information like he had memorized her bio.
“I’d like to meet her.” I caught his eye. “And her mother.”
“Mom, she doesn’t even know I like her.”
“Well when are you going to let her know?”
“I don’t know.”
He turned up the radio and started singing Killing Me Softly along with Lauryn Hill. He was trying to avoid the conversation so I let him.
My emotions vacillated as December approached. I had kept the ornaments from our family tree; still, it would be difficult decorating without Jason. Josh and I would continue our tradition of having cookies and hot chocolate after lighting the tree. Jason and I always exchanged one gift at midnight. I had no idea what I would do at midnight.
The Youth Department presented an annual Cantata the week before Christmas. Josh was excited about being in It’s Not Your Birthday with his friends. Andrea met me in the vestibule and we sat together for the performance. Harvey and Corey were both in the play, too. It was a well performed hip-hop musical about remembering Jesus at Christmas.
After the Cantata I found Josh in the Fellowship Hall.
“Mom this is Sydney.” Josh introduced me to the young lady who brought people to their feet when she sang Some Day At Christmas. He was right, she was very pretty. She was taller than I envisioned and was a complete opposite of Nicki who was five foot five and a size three. Sydney was tawny brown with high cheekbones and a beautiful smile.
“Nice to meet you,” I said shaking her hand.
“Hi Miss Andrea,” she said smiling.
“How’s it going Sydney?” Andrea asked. “You did a really good job tonight.”
“Thank you.” She turned when she heard her name.
“Hey Sheila.” Andrea spoke to the woman who called Sydney. “How are you? We’ve missed you at the Women’s Ministry meetings.”
“I know and that’s where I need to be. I’m coming back.”
“Sheila this is my cousin, Danielle.” Andrea introduced us.
“Mom this is Josh’s mom,” Sydney interrupted.
“Dani,” I said extending my hand. “It’s nice to meet you.”
“You too,” she said shaking my hand. “We need to talk about the Snowball, it’s right after Christmas.”
“Snowball?”
“Oh yeah Mom,” Josh spoke up, “I told Sydney I would escort her to the Snowball.”
“We’ll have to talk,” I said to Sheila. “This is the first I’ve heard of it.”
“And this is Shae, my youngest daughter.” Sheila pointed to the young lady standing behind her with her arms folded.
“Hello Shae.” I extended my hand. “It’s nice to meet you.”
“Nice to meet you, too.” She smiled and shook my hand.
Sheila looked more like their sister than their mother. She had on a sharp Hound’s-tooth pants suit with black patent Ferragamo’s. She could have easily been a model. She was beautiful.
Sheila called Saturday morning. We started talking about the Snowball and ended up talking for over an hour about everything else. She was going to the mall to do some Christmas shopping and asked if I wanted to join her. I hadn’t done anything besides the Women’s Ministry since moving to Pittsburgh, so I tagged along.
Sheila and I were both single parents who had had our hearts broken. She told me she dated her ex-husband in college and married him during her senior year. They planned to have four or five kids before she busted him cheating on her.
“I don’t know if Sylvester ever really loved me,” she said trying to smile like it didn’t matter. “Life has been so hard and I guess I always thought if you did all the right things God wouldn’t let bad things happen to you. I had a fairy tale wedding and I wanted to be like Claire Huxtable. All I wanted was for my husband to love me forever.”
I told her about Jason, the love of my life. Consciously, I omitted ever meeting Greg and I intentionally told her that Jason was Josh’s father. Actually, I told my usual lie that Josh came first and we waited until after graduate school to get married.
Sheila and I were raising our kids alone, both of our parents held positions in church and we were still searching to define our relationship with Jesus. For just meeting her, we had a lot in common.
We started talking on the phone almost every day. It felt good to have a friend and it made me realize how much I missed Rhonda, Denise and Elaine. Over a month had passed since I had spoken to Maureen and Adrienne. I made a mental note to do better at keeping in touch regularly.
It was easy to talk with Sheila about missing my friends. Time and distance had separated her from a good friend in Philadelphia named Shelley. We talked a lot about friendship and regrets. We talked about being single parents and how we wanted our kids to have good relationships. Sheila was like a long lost sister and even her parents welcomed Josh and I as if we were family.
The Salvation Soldiers hosted a Christmas breakfast for the homeless and Harvey was picking up Josh at eight-thirty. I set the clock for seven-thirty so we could share at least one gift together before he left. This was our first Christmas without Jason. Josh left a beautifully wrapped package in front of the coffee maker but I didn’t want to open it until he was awake. At seven-fifty he was still asleep.
I called him from the kitchen. “Josh, you’re going to be late.”
No answer and no sounds.
“Josh,” I yelled a little louder. “Let’s go.”
“Mom, I’m up.”
At ten minutes after eight the shower was still running and I went upstairs to remind him of the time. When I opened the bathroom door he was sitting there completely dressed with another gift.
“Merry Christmas.” He smiled handing me the present. “It was getting a little warm. What took you so long?”
“Oh, Joshua!”
“I know you and dad exchanged gifts at midnight so I left one for you in front of the coffee maker. Did you get it?”
“Yes, thank you very much.” My bottom lip was quivering. “I want us to open our first gifts together.”
“I want to make it special for you,” he said as we walked down the steps.
“You make it special, Josh.”
He had framed a picture of me and Jason from our family trip to Virginia Beach. He also gave me a locket with a picture of him and Jason from Hershey Park. Josh was very excited about both of his gifts, the Nike’s and his gold chain. I couldn’t tell which one he liked the best.
I heard the car horn and hugged him. Harvey was five minutes early and robbed us of the time. Christmas was going to be okay. Josh was going to be okay. And I was going to be okay, too.
“I’ll meet you after service,” I told him as he walked out the door. “Button your coat, it’s cold.”
“I love you Mom,” he smiled from the door. “Merry Christmas.”
“Love you much Josh. Merry Christmas.”
While I drank my second cup of coffee I called everyone to wish them Merry Christmas. Mom Singleton wanted to know when we would be visiting. I assured
her that we missed them and had no intention of excluding them as we tried to rebuild our lives. Joey reminded me that his wedding was Memorial Day weekend and Josh would need a tux. He was busy planning his wedding and equally excited for Stormy who got engaged for Christmas. She and Jose` were planning to get married after she graduated and then move to Puerto Rico – at least for a few years. Noah had enrolled in Community College and would be pursuing his Associate’s Degree in Communications. Tashika was planning to enroll in a Nursing Assistant program. Taisha had eloped over the summer and was happily married, living in Atlanta and working on her dissertation. She was also pregnant with twins. Maisha had finally come to the realization that Bobby’s future didn’t include her or their daughter. She was moving to Atlanta after the holidays to start over. Raheem remained unsure of what he wanted to do after graduating from Fordham in the spring and Rakeem was contemplating relocating to Virginia because he couldn’t find a job he liked in New York. Rhonda and Lance were considering adding Kindergarten to their preschool centers and their girls were doing fine. Adrienne and Maureen were also remembering Jason and hoping Josh and I would have a Merry Christmas. I promised them that Josh and I would not be strangers and told them we were planning to attend their family reunion in Columbia, South Carolina over Labor Day weekend. Elaine was leaving Tyrone, but decided she would wait until after the holidays because he gave nice gifts. Denise was finishing her first gospel CD and was disappointed that it wasn’t released in time for Christmas. Alicia was trying to plan a reunion for the summer. Christmas was a time for family and, in spite of my grief, I felt blessed to have these people in my life.
Andrea, Harvey and Corey joined us at our house for Christmas dinner that afternoon. Sheila and the girls arrived in time for dessert and we exchanged gifts that evening. Christmas turned out to be wonderful.
We sang in the New Year at The Sanctuary. I looked forward to 1998. It was time for the wisdom seeds to bud.
The Snowball was a first for Josh and me. My excitement was just as high, if not greater, than his. This was his first formal dance.
Wisdom Seeds Page 17