In spite of his initial disdain from having to transfer as a junior, Josh’s school year ended positively. He raised his QPA to 2.8 and seemed to be adjusting. He also seemed to be enjoying school and I hoped his academic slump was over. His sophomore grades consisted of C’s and D’s and his interest in completing high school had diminished. I wasn’t sure if those grades were solely the result of Jason dying or a reflection of his motivation. At any rate, I was thankful for the change.
Josh was looking forward to spending two weeks at a college basketball camp. One of the speakers at a Salvation Soldiers meeting gave out information about John Cheney’s program at Temple University. Josh was meeting Danny and John there for the first session.
Sheila and the girls drove with us to Philadelphia. We were spending the night in Smithtown after getting Josh settled.
“Wasn’t Syd born here?” Shae asked as we were leaving Temple’s Ambler campus.
Sheila bit her bottom lip. “Yes.”
“Where does my dad live?”
“He lives outside of Philly,” Sydney interrupted. “He just works in Philly.”
Sheila put her head back and closed her eyes. She appeared to be praying that Shae didn’t have any more questions. Syd began singing songs from the Wiz and Shae joined in. They had natural harmony. I let Sheila enjoy the temporary mental solitude.
My dad was out of town at a convention and Mom welcomed our company – even if just for one night. I tried to persuade her to come back to Pittsburgh for a few days as we were leaving.
“Your dad will be home on Tuesday.” She tried to smile as we were getting in the car. I knew that look. It was the mask to hide the sadness that her heart was really feeling.
“Why did your husband die, Ms. Dani?” Shae asked as we pulled onto the turnpike.
I answered without looking at her. “He had colon cancer.”
“Is that like breast cancer?” Her questions were sincere and she sat up between the seats.
“Cancer is cancer.” Sydney rolled her eyes and frowned her face.
“I didn’t know, that’s why I asked,” Shae retaliated.
“Girls!” Sheila’s voice was authoritative. “Don’t start.”
“But, Ma,” Shae continued.
“Shae! No buts,” Sheila interrupted her.
We rode in silence for a few minutes.
Shae whispered, “Did you cry?”
Sydney sighed out loud and Sheila shook her head.
“Yes baby, I did,” I answered her. “I was very sad and I still miss Jason.” That seemed to satisfy her query, at least for the present.
Shae went to sleep, Sydney read The Bluest Eye and Sheila and I talked about my new house. I was excited about moving and glad to have the entire summer to get settled. My anxiety about Josh coming home on the Greyhound bus with John was gone. Sheila, being the true friend that she was, repeatedly told me I needed to start letting go. Most of my maternal guilt was relieved at not having to drive back to Philly.
When Josh came home two weeks later, I surprised him with the keys to our new house. Moving in would have to wait because we were leaving the following week to visit Alicia in Raleigh. Shae and Sydney were coming with us to give Sheila some down time.
Alicia’s daughter, Ashley, and Shae were the same age and became fast friends. Most of their time was spent out back at the pool or playing jokes on DJ, Alicia’s nine-year old. While in Raleigh we visited North Carolina State, Duke and UNC at Chapel Hill. Dennis took the kids to Charlotte to visit his Alma Mater, Johnson C. Smith. Josh decided that he wanted to attend Johnson C. Smith or NC State. Syd really liked Duke and NC State although she was still considering Tennessee.
Four days passed quickly and the visit was bittersweet. I missed my cousins and our girl talks. Time was moving, the kids were growing up and our lives were becoming so busy. As I lay in bed on our last night in Raleigh, I thanked God for that first summer with my cousins.
Before we drove off, Alicia made us promise not to let too much time pass before we returned. Andrea and I agreed that the kids needed to see each other more often and we needed a ladies trip one weekend just to go shopping.
After returning home I spent two weeks preparing to move. I was pleasantly surprised when the Single’s Ministry showed up with the movers on Saturday morning. I made a pot of spaghetti and we concluded the evening with a few rounds of Bible Trivia. Before everyone left, we had prayer to bless my house. I smiled thinking Jason and Nana were happy for me, too.
Isaac and I continued to date over the summer and we occasionally doubled with Sheila and Doug. Although we had been out several times, Isaac had never tried to kiss me. I wasn’t sure that I wanted him to and was equally unsure about the absence of his attempt.
Josh was enjoying working at The Sanctuary’s summer camp and a few mornings I let him drive my car. I spent my days putting the house together and promised myself I would unpack every box before going back to work.
The Youth Ministry’s yearly fundraiser for the Food Pantry was a musical. The play, Cindy, was an adaptation of Cinderella and had been written by one of the advisors to the Youth Ministry. Josh would be playing The Royal Son formerly known as Prince who changed his name to Charles.
My parents came in to see the house and, of course, the play. My dad’s appearance startled me when I met my parents at the airport – he had aged. His hair was almost completely gray and his eyes looked weary. His body looked too small for his suit. Mom did not look any of her sixty-five years. She was still meticulous and the colors in her outfit were coordinated and matched exactly. I hugged them and was alarmed at how heavy my dad was breathing. Not wanting to spoil the moment, or the weekend, I decided to ask questions later. Isaac was joining us at the house for dinner and I only had the car ride home to inform my parents and answer their questions.
My dad was silent.
“Well how long have you been seeing him?” I could see my mother smiling in the rear view mirror.
“I’m not really seeing him. We’re just friends.”
“Is it serious?” Mom pressed the issue.
“I wouldn’t call it serious. We’re friends and we have a nice time when we go out.”
“I’m sure he’s a nice person.” Mom had the last word.
Isaac was sitting in front of the house when we pulled up and I introduced him to my parents. My dad was flat, as I expected, and Mom gave him a hug. Isaac told my dad he would get their bags while I showed them to their room. After a quick house tour I told them to get comfortable on the enclosure while Isaac helped me with dinner.
“Dani, this is a really nice house,” Mom told me as I set the table. “I could stay out here all day.”
“I knew when I saw it that this was my house.”
“You’ve done very well Danielle.” My dad smiled as he complimented me. “I’m proud of you.”
He was rarely sentimental and I was caught off guard. Unable to respond, I smiled.
Josh joined us after his rehearsal. He hugged my parents and greeted Isaac with their usual Fresh Prince handshake.
“And how long have you been acting?” My dad teased Josh. “Do your plans include New York or Hollywood?”
“I’ll check with my agent.” Josh sat next to his grandfather. “Maybe you should wait until after you see me tomorrow.”
Our dinner conversation was superficial and comfortable. Neither of my parents grilled Isaac and he seemed to flow along with whatever was being discussed. Isaac left around eight-thirty that evening and my anxiety decreased ten notches. I reminded myself to enjoy the weekend with my parents. My dad usually insisted they stay at a hotel, and the fact that he agreed to stay at the house was sentimental.
“Have you thought about college, Joshua?” Mom asked while she helped me clear the dishes.
“Yeah, I’m thinking about NC State or Johnson C. Smith.”
“Is that where your little girlfriend is going?” My dad inquired.
“She’s not
my girlfriend,” Josh blushed. “We’re just good friends.”
“Are you seeing someone else?”
Josh shook his head no.
“Is she seeing someone else?”
Josh smiled, shaking his head no. “Not any more.”
“So you’re really dating each other just not calling it dating.” My dad looked at me and I was glad Isaac had left.
Josh took the dishes into the house.
The performance was held in the auditorium at the high school down the street from the church. We arrived thirty minutes early and sat in the fourth row in the center section. Isaac joined us and sat next to me. Doug, Sheila and her parents sat with us and Andrea’s family sat behind us. I was nervous for Josh. He had never done anything like this before and I wanted him to be great.
My concerns were premature and unnecessary. Josh was a natural comedian and had a very nice voice. Guilt tapped me on the shoulder. How had I missed that in him? I should have helped him nurture his talent.
For the finale, the cast danced to Stomp. Harvey and his frat brothers digressed to their college days on the yard and barked while the kids were stepping.
I intentionally avoided asking about my dad’s health. Driving my parents back to the airport, I rationalized the avoidance was worth it. We had had a good time and my parents seemed to enjoy the weekend. If it had been anything serious, I assumed Mom would have mentioned it.
Leaving the airport, I smiled to myself. The sun was shining and I felt like those old wisdom seeds were finally beginning to bud, again.
“Thank you,” I whispered to Nana.
12
A week after the school year started we were on our way to the Singleton family reunion in Columbia, South Carolina. The previous year had been the first Labor Day we hadn’t attended the reunion. In spite of my best intentions, our relationship with the Singleton’s had diminished to phone calls, cards and an exchange of pictures. Josh needed his family and they needed to be a part of his life. Jason would have wanted it that way and I knew I would have to do better at making sure it happened. He left me with people who loved me and I needed to hang on to that.
We arrived at Maureen’s house in Detroit on Thursday evening. Mr. and Mrs. Singleton arrived from Ann Arbor earlier that morning and greeted us as we drove up.
Maureen reminded me, several times, that Detroit was not that far from Pittsburgh. Ellis was a Lion’s fan and planned to come to Pittsburgh when they played the Steelers. Maureen agreed to come, only if we could spend the weekend doing anything except watching football. Then she called Adrienne in Los Angeles and we talked for over an hour. Mrs. Singleton reminded us that we would all be together on Friday evening. Adrienne and her family were flying to Columbia in the morning. Our bus was leaving at midnight.
We arrived in Columbia at five o’clock Friday evening and rushed after checking in at the hotel because the dinner started at six-thirty.
“Are you nervous?” Josh asked sitting on the bed when he should have been in the shower.
“No, not really,” I lied. “We’re here with family.”
“I’m sort of nervous,” he admitted. “I don’t want people to keep asking if I’m alright.”
“Are you okay?” I asked to clarify for myself.
“I’m trying to be.” Josh bit his lower lip, then clenched his teeth. He had Jason’s expressions. “I miss him so much,” he continued. “I’m not angry any more that he died, I just wish he was still alive.”
I sat next to him. “I know, me too. No one will ever take his place in my life.”
“Not even Mr. Isaac?”
“Not even Isaac,” I assured him. “If I ever fall in love again it will be different. I can’t replace Jason.”
“Would I have to call Mr. Isaac ‘Dad’ if you married him?”
“I don’t have any plans to marry him,” I smiled. “We’re just friends. If I ever plan to get married again, we can talk about what you call my husband at that time. Right now, it’s not an issue.” Getting up from the bed I took a deep breath. “And no matter who I marry, Jason is always going to be your father. Nothing will ever change that.” My words felt good.
Josh hugged me and kissed me on the forehead. “I love you, Mom.”
“Show me how much and take a ten minute shower.”
While Josh was in the shower I cried. It had been a long time since I had had a good cry. Being with the Singleton’s triggered memories and at the moment I missed Jason more than I could describe.
Most of Jason’s relatives inquired as to how we were doing and had a favorite story they felt compelled to share with us. As I walked across the room to the buffet table I noticed Jason’s cousin, Alexis. We weren’t close enough to speak and that was good because I was still angry about her comment at Jason’s funeral. She told several people that it was nice of the Singleton’s to remain involved in Josh’s life.
Dinner conversation at our table was spent catching up on the past year. Maureen and Ellis added a deck onto their house. At twelve, EJ was becoming quite a basketball phenomenon and was claiming MVP for the year. Ten-year old Elise was an honor student and was planning to be an actress and a doctor. Her twin, Maurice, was taking guitar lessons and playing the drums and eight-year-old Monique was starting piano lessons because she wanted to write her own songs. Adrienne and Scott were looking at houses in San Diego because they wanted to get out of LA. Tiffany was six and starting ballet and tap dancing lessons. Although only ten, Chase had already decided that he wanted to be President of the United States.
I promised Maureen and Adrienne that I would maintain better contact and suggested we plan to visit at least yearly. They both wanted to be more involved with Josh and invited him to visit them. Maureen was planning a trip to Los Angeles for New Year’s and suggested we come along.
On Sunday morning, during church service, I thanked God for the Singleton family. Keeping in touch with them would be a priority.
After an early dinner we went to the mall while the kids went to the movies.
“So how are you really doing?” Maureen asked at the jewelry counter.
I felt on the spot. “I’m okay.”
“Are you dating?” Adrienne passed a pair of earrings to me. “It’s been over a year and you’re still young.”
“Josh will be leaving soon,” Maureen added. “You don’t want to end up by yourself.”
“I’m not dating,” I said handing the earrings back to the sales clerk. “But I do have a friend that I go out with sometimes.” I waited for a response and intentionally avoided eye contact.
“Oh yeah?” Adrienne asked. “Just how friendly are you?”
“Just have a nice time friendly,” I told her. “It’s nothing serious.”
“Well what’s Mr. Nice Time Friendly’s name?” Maureen wanted to know.
“Isaac. Isaac Turner.” I tried to sound nonchalant.
Adrienne was smiling. “When will we meet him?”
“When it gets serious.” I could feel myself blushing.
We bought matching ankle bracelets and took pictures at the photo booth. Our last stop was the Gourmet Pretzel store. Garlic for Adrienne, cinnamon raisin for Maureen and a pizza pretzel for me. We were quite a combination in the taxi going back to the hotel.
I was the first to cry at the airport later that night. Before Adrienne boarded the plane she made me promise to come to LA to bring in the New Year. I made her promise to send pictures of the kids.
Adrienne and Maureen hugged as if they weren’t sure if they would see each other again. They were true sisters and the love between them was a bond that miles could never shatter. They still talked daily, as if they lived around the corner from each other.
When I got back to the hotel, there was a note from Josh on top of his suitcase so I could see that he was packed. He was in the game room with his cousins and Isaac had called. Isaac wasn’t home so I left a message that I would call Monday night.
The bus ride back t
o Detroit didn’t seem like fifteen hours. Josh stayed up all night so he slept most of the way. Pretending to be asleep, I thought about my life. Memories filled the weekend and I hadn’t thought about Isaac. Although I liked him more than I was comfortable admitting, it would be difficult telling him that I wouldn’t be around for New Year’s.
We arrived in Detroit a little after nine o’clock on Monday night. I was thankful for Maureen’s offer to stay and leave the next morning. Mrs. Singleton was glad we were staying, too. I had already taken a personal day on Tuesday and Josh didn’t mind missing a day of school. I called Isaac to let him know we wouldn’t be back until Tuesday. Then I called Sheila. She wasn’t home, either.
Mom Singleton made breakfast and we ate at seven-thirty before Ellis went to work. I helped Maureen get the kids ready for school and then we sat down to enjoy a cup of coffee with Mom Singleton. Pop Singleton showed Josh how to go over a car before a road trip. Then they took it to the gas station and filled the tank. That’s what Jason used to do before we went away. We departed at ten-fifteen after many hugs, kisses, tears and promises.
We were finally settled into our house, Josh began his senior year and I contemplated going back to school to get my Principal certification. There were so many things I wanted to do at the school that were out of my current authority. I needed to be running my own building to make the changes I felt necessary. Andrea and I had also participated in several think tanks about the charter school movement. The idea of operating a college preparatory charter school was intriguing.
“I know what I want to do,” Josh announced one Sunday on our way to church.
“Do about what?”
“College, Mom. I know where I want to go.”
“Let me guess,” I smirked. “NC State.”
“No, Johnson C. Smith.”
“You must have really liked it when Dennis took you guys to visit.”
“There was something about it, and I like Charlotte.”
“Is that for school, or for basketball tickets?”
“For both,” he replied matter-of-factly.
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