We met in the Fellowship Hall and everyone shared their Thanksgiving stories: the turkey that didn’t cook in the middle, the cake that fell, the burnt pies, the sticky rice and the potato salad made with potatoes and mayonnaise. We laughed and gathered together at one table so we could share testimonies while we ate.
Jennifer opened the group with prayer and Michelle blessed us with Still I Rise. When the applause stopped, I was still standing and all eyes were on me. I stood amongst my sisters scanning their faces – Francis had just celebrated her fifty-ninth birthday and her eleventh year as a Christian after years of alcoholism, drug addiction and prostitution. Gloria’s age was only given away by the crow’s feet at her eyes and she wore her joy like an aura even though she had buried her husband of thirty-five years less than a month ago. Andrea had planned to have at least four kids but was unable to conceive after having Corey. She continually praised God for giving her one miracle. Grace put her twins up for adoption when she was nineteen and at thirty-one was still not married. She remained confident that God would bless her with a family. During the height of her drug addiction, Michelle let a drug dealer have sex with her twelve-year-old daughter. Mikki committed suicide when she was sixteen. Theresa lost her son, her only child, because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time and bullets have no eyes. Paula had a reputation as a husband stealer and then she fell in love with Mitchell. Fourteen years into the marriage, she found out he had three kids by a girlfriend he’d been seeing since they were married. Ava lived with the secret of being molested by her maternal uncle for thirty years. She never told because he was her mother’s favorite brother. And Sheila, the best friend God blessed me with, was seated to my left.
We were all scarred from battle, but victorious. The devil was a liar and had been defeated. Satan could not have our joy or our souls. God had given us each other, on this day, that we might praise Him for His keeping power and His many blessings. One by one, over the past year, the masks had come off. Everyone had stripped the skeleton of its power, stood face to face with reality, and took a stand against the deep dark secrets that had tormented them for years. Everyone except me and now it was my turn.
I focused my attention on the lamb so beautifully stained in the Fellowship Hall window and asked God to help me get through my testimony without crying.
“I have lived with a skeleton.” I began slowly, wrenching my hands out of nervous habit. “The skeleton came out of the closet and hurt people that I love and care about very much. I had an affair with a married man after I graduated from college. I didn’t know the difference between love and lust. I thought he really loved me. He proved that he didn’t when I got pregnant with Josh. He left me. My pregnancy shamed my family. When I married Jason, he adopted Josh. I put my shame in the closet thinking no one would ever know Jason wasn’t Josh’s biological father. Even though he begged me to tell Josh the truth, I refused. The secret was my way of making it right.”
My body shivered and I crossed my arms in an effort to hold myself.
“A few weeks ago, Josh’s father showed up. The world is so small and Josh’s father was Sheila’s ex-husband. I have hurt my son, my best friend and her children. My secret let my son fall in love with his sister.”
Hard as I was trying to finish my legs would no longer hold me. Sheila grabbed my hand as I was sinking to the floor. Then I felt the warm hands of my sisters. I could hear the hum of their prayers. My body felt light, like it would have floated away if they weren’t holding me. I was free. No more weights, no more lies, no more secrets.
Later that evening I sat down and wrote everyone – my mom, Denise, Elaine, the Singleton’s, Maureen, Adrienne and Rhonda. Now that I was free, I felt obligated to let everyone in my love circle know the whole truth. Different people had different pieces – it was now important that the puzzle be completed for everyone. For the ones that had prayed, Jesus had answered. For the ones that still didn’t know Him, they needed to know that it was Jesus who made all the difference. Later that evening I watched The Color Purple. In the end, Celie was victorious, too.
Andrea called me at work on Tuesday morning to remind me about the Charter School meeting at Duquesne University. We planned to meet at her office so we could take one car and split the cost of parking in the garage.
I walked into the Board of Education ten minutes late and was caught off guard by his voice.
“Danielle?!” He was just as surprised to see me. “How have you been?”
“How have you been stranger? It’s good to see you!”
“Much better now.” He hugged me. “Much, much better.”
Tony was in town for a business meeting with the school district’s fiscal director. We met later that evening for dinner at Applebee’s. We talked until they began cleaning. It was almost as if years had never separated us. His smile was still inviting and his eyes still twinkled.
He told me about his divorce and his children. It grieved his heart to be apart from them and he worked tenaciously to stay involved in their lives. His ex-wife was now remarried and living in Connecticut.
I told him about Josh and Jason. Then I told him about Greg. I don’t know why, I just did. Tony stroked my face and held my hand, just like he had done at Nana’s funeral. We reminisced about the stories Nana told us and I told him about the difference Jesus made in my life. As we waited for our check, I invited Tony to Bible study the following night. He declined saying he had a dinner meeting. Driving home I said a prayer for Tony. I asked God to open his heart to the wisdom seeds Nana had planted in him, too.
Josh surprised me by coming home for Christmas break two days before I expected him. He wanted to drive to Columbus to put a wreath on Jason’s grave. I agreed and the three-hour drive gave us time to have a good heart-to-heart talk about God, life, and love. It began to snow as we entered the cemetery.
“Dad always liked the snow,” Josh stated while pulling over near the gravesite. “I remember when he taught me how to make angels.”
I smiled at the memory. “He was a kid at heart.”
“Remember the ET he made?” Josh asked with a boyish excitement.
“Yeah and I remember you falling asleep in the window because you thought it would melt overnight.”
We laughed as we walked across the newly fallen snow. I took Josh’s hand and squeezed it as we approached Jason’s headstone. Neither of us had been to the gravesite since we left Columbus.
“I love you Dad,” Josh whispered as he knelt at Jason’s grave. “I know the truth. I wish you were here because this is kind of confusing, but I’ll be okay. You made me promise to take care of Mom and I will. And I will love her forever – enough for both of us.” Josh stood and hugged me before taking the wreath from my hand. He placed the wreath on the ground in front of the headstone. “Mom, did you always cry so much?”
“Yeah,” I said wiping my face with the back of my hand. “These are happy tears.”
Josh stuck out his tongue to catch the snowflakes and I smiled. Jason taught him to do that the first winter we dated. There was no sunshine, but I could feel Nana looking down on me and I knew Jason was watching, too.
“Joy, love, happiness and peace,” I said out loud.
“What?” Josh asked. “Mom, what did you say?”
“It’s the wisdom seeds my grandmother planted in me a long time ago,” I told him. “I’ll tell you all about them on the way home.”
Epilogue
Joy was the first seed Nana planted in my life. ‘Love God with all your heart because He first loved you’ was what she told me. Jesus loved me enough to keep me when I thought I could do it all alone. He didn’t just keep me, He brought me through every storm and trial. After the darkest nights, He always sent a fresh new morning. After every rain, He sent the sun. Every time I wanted to give up, He gave me enough hope to hold on. In my darkest hour, it was the seed of joy that sustained me.
The second seed Nana planted in my life was love. I can picture h
er standing at the fence telling me that love and hate can’t live in the same heart. My heart has been set free from the captivity of anger and hate. I love my dad and pray he didn’t carry his bitterness to his grave. I only wish he had been set free during his lifetime. I forgive Greg. He didn’t know God so he couldn’t know how to love me, Sheila or his children. God forgave me. The people I hurt forgave me, too. There’s only room for love in my heart.
Nana wanted me to be happy and told me to make sure I surrounded myself with good people. God put good people in my life – people who love and care about me. My happiness cup continues to overflow – the third seed has been bountiful.
The seed of peace was the final seed Nana planted in my life. ‘Make sure your words speak peace’ was what she said. No more secrets, no more lies. My spirit is free and my words are pure and kind – they speak peace.
My wisdom seeds can no longer be washed away by my tears, trampled by my sorrow or strangled by the weeds of life. My seeds are ready to bear fruit.
I thought about the scriptures Nana taught me years ago.
For God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. John 3:16
And be kind to one another, tender hearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:32
Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness? II Corinthians 6:14
A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1
These scriptures had once been mere words that I memorized out of love for my grandmother. Now, I understand their significance. I also understand what Nana meant when she said God sees the sparrow when it falls. If He is watching over the sparrow then I know, that I know, that I know He is watching over me.
Cherish those who have planted seeds of wisdom into your life. Honor them by sowing into others what love has sown into you.
But as for you, speak the things which are proper for sound doctrine: that the older men be sober, reverent, temperate, sound in faith, in love, in patience; the older women likewise, that they be reverent in behavior, not slanderers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things—that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed. Likewise, exhort the young men to be sober-minded, in all things showing yourself to be a pattern of good works; in doctrine showing integrity, reverence, incorruptibility, sound speech that cannot be condemned, that one who is an opponent may be ashamed, having nothing evil to say of you.
Titus 2:1 – 8
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