by P. C. Zick
"Hi, Eddie," came the familiar voice sounding sober for once.
"Hey, Pam, I'm glad you called."
"How was Europe? European?" We both laughed.
"You could say that. How's Kristina?"
"Fine, fine. A chatterbox and all excited about school."
"Is she still up?" I asked.
"Yeah, she's over playing at the neighbors. Why?"
"I'd like to talk to her sometime. Hear her voice."
"Won't do any good, Eddie, she doesn't know a thing about you or the rest of the crew. I told her that her daddy died. I called to tell you that I'm getting married again. Next month. His name is Oscar Timmons. He owns the club where I've worked for the past three years, and he's real nice to Kristina and me. In fact, he's going to adopt Kristina." She seemed breathless at the end of her recital.
"Why not tell me where you are, Pam? What does it matter now?" I worried with a new husband that she might stop all contact with me.
"Not ready yet. I'll keep in touch though. You never knew when I might need the Townsends' millions. I won't be working so much after we're married, but Oscar spends every night at the club, you know, protecting his investment, he says. I'll call regularly, OK?"
"OK, Pam, don't forget that I'd like to talk to Kristina next time."
"Where's she living?" Kelsey asked when I hung up the phone.
"Won't say, but she's marrying again. Some guy who owns a club where she works."
"Sounds like Vegas to me," she said before going back to the old movie on TV.
"Maybe. She says she'll still keep in touch with me though," I said.
For the rest of the summer I decided it was time to get to work again on my second novel, When Beauty Fades. I also tried to spend time with Elizabeth and Gary, but they were swept up into the social life of Grosse Pointe and that didn't include Kelsey and me. They did like Kelsey's new car though.
When a new publishing firm opened in Ann Arbor, I visited their offices hoping to speak to an editor. Because it was a small place, I instead spoke to the publisher himself. A New Yorker by birth, transplanted to Michigan by choice, he decided to take a small inheritance left by his father and merge two of his favorite hobbies, writing and reading. I told him about my first novel, and he seemed interested.
"Now, I'm a small firm, but what I could do is print it here and then try to sell the rights to a larger publishing house who would promote and sell it to the public. Bring it in, let me read it, and we'll see," he said, shaking my hand as if we were sealing a deal.
Even though it wasn't official, I felt like I finally had a good chance of being published. However, I had one thing keeping me from being too excited. I needed to tell Gary about the book. I pondered for a week about how I could tell him. I also had to tell Kelsey who had never shown any interest in even reading the novel.
I decided to practice on her. I told Kelsey about the publisher, Eugene Haslett, and she seemed interested.
"How much did he offer?" she asked.
"How much did he offer? That’s all you have to say?"
"It’s an important question, Ed. You've been working on that thing for years and not bringing in any money during the summer months, and now you have a chance to recoup your losses. It matters," she said.
"It seems that first you would ask about the subject of the book."
"Sorry. What's it about?"
"It's about a lost soul always searching for the wrong pot at the end of the rainbow," I said.
"That's why I didn't ask. I knew you'd give me a bunch of mumbo jumbo about some ethereal subject."
"Let me try again since you obviously didn't like my first description. It's about a homosexual who does everything in his power to deny his true desires just so he can please those around him." What was happening between the two of us that she couldn't understand my first description of the book, I wondered.
"Does Gary know you wrote a book about him?" she asked.
I had never talked with her about Gary and his troubles. She mentioned a few times that she thought there was something different about him, and once even suggested that she thought he might be gay. But I had never talked to her about Gary and his problems.
"Why do you say that?"
"It's about Gary, isn't it?"
"No, it's about a homosexual who tries his hardest to..."
"All right, Ed, if you don't want to tell me, you don't have to. It sounds interesting, but do you think mainstream America is ready for something like that?"
Thankful that she decided not pursue the conversation about Gary, I launched into my reasons why I thought the country was ready to hear about the horrors of growing up gay in a heterosexual world.
"But more than that, it's about anyone who lives his life to please those around him instead of examining his own truth by hiding behind walls, not revealing emotions. We all do that to a certain extent, but no group more than the homosexual male." I looked at her when I had finished.
"Sounds like it could be about your own emotional state as well, although I'm pretty certain you're not gay. Good luck with it. And Ed, I know you won't talk about it with me, but you'd better tell Gary about the book before anything else happens." She reached over and gave me a kiss on the cheek.
"Thanks. I can't talk about it, even with you. I promised such a long time ago and you know me and my promises." I kissed her back.
I had kept Gary's secret for so long now that I didn't know how to break the silence even with my wife. Besides, I felt strongly that Gary should be the one to tell people. But at this stage in his life, he wasn't telling anybody anything. He had gone completely back into his protective shell and wouldn't let even me in this time.
The next week I made arrangements to meet Gary for lunch close to his office building. The invitation was casual even though I felt tremors in my hands as I clenched the phone and wrote down the address of his favorite lunchtime restaurant.
By the time we ordered lunch, we had only exchanged pleasantries and news about our wives and my trip to Europe. We spent a few moments comparing notes about our respective trips although the hostels and bed and breakfasts of my trip in no way compared to the five star hotel accommodations of Gary’s and Elizabeth's honeymoon.
"Gary, you know I finished my first novel last year," I said.
"No, I didn't know that. Hey, that's great, Ed. What's it about?"
"The novel traces the life of its main character beginning in a high school in Iowa where he is a four-letter varsity athlete. He spends most of his life trying to fit into the image that everyone around him has conceived. I try to show the dangers of not dealing honestly with oneself. By the end, the pressure is so great within this person that he ends up killing himself."
Gary put his fork down and looked at me intently. "What is it that your main character should have dealt with?"
I looked at him just as intently for a long moment before answering. "His homosexuality," I said very quietly.
Gary didn't move; he didn't even blink. "I see." He paused. "Is there any resemblance to your main character and anyone we know?"
"Only on the inside, Gary. No one else will be able to see any similarities. It's an important message."
Gary let out a long sigh and shook his head as if to clear the cobwebs that had gathered there. We didn't speak for several minutes. I did notice the nervous twitch begin between his forefinger and his thumb. Suddenly he stopped and put his hands in his lap.
"What are you going to do with it?" he asked, no longer making eye contact with me but staring intently at his broiled rainbow trout.
"I'm trying to publish it," and then I told him about Ernest Haslett.
"I see. Why did you wait so long to tell me?"
"You're not the easiest person to talk to when it comes to this subject." I tried to keep my voice light.
"But why now? Everything is going so great for Elizabeth and me. Why now?" I thought for a moment he might start crying.
"I didn
't write it with any intention to harm you or your marriage, Gary. But it might help someone else who could make better choices before it's too late. Gary, I know your demons are never very far from the surface no matter how hard you try to deny it. I love you like a brother and seeing your pain hurts me, too." I stared at him willing him to look at me once again.
"When I first began writing the book, I had it end with the main character facing up to the truth and living happily ever after. But the more I researched the topic, the more I discovered that rarely happens. I wanted to make a more powerful statement," I said.
Finally, he lifted up his head, and the old Gary appeared before me as his grin lit up his still-handsome face. "All right, Cuz. Let me know if I can help with contracts and all that junk. I don't want anyone taking advantage of my best friend. I want the first autographed copy, righto?!" And then as quickly as his bravado appeared, it disappeared. "You're sure my folks or Elizabeth won't know?"
"I'm sure, but how about reading it before anything happens? Then you can help me change anything that might identify you, OK?"
"Thanks, Ed, that's a deal." We shook hands before finishing our lunch and heading back to our very different lives.
When I pulled myself from thinking about the past, I left my bedroom and headed for the kitchen where I found Kristina and Rick sitting at the table drinking coffee.
"Hi, Kristina. When did you get here?" I asked.
"About an hour ago. Is Grandma still with Gary?"
"Yes, I peeked in the room, but they're talking so I left them alone. Your grandmother will be pleased that you're here."
"What about you? Are you happy I'm here?"
"Well, of course, Miss Kristina. I'm always delighted to see you." I wanted to keep it light especially with Rick sitting right there looking at the both of us.
"How about a big breakfast? I make killer omelets," Rick said.
"Sounds good to me. I just remembered that we didn't eat dinner last night. Claire could use some sustenance too, even if we have to force her. We also need to see that she gets some rest today," I said.
"Why didn't Grandpa come, really? Grandma said he had a cold, but I don't buy it," Kristina said.
"He had some trouble digesting the news. It's better this way, I think."
Kristina nodded her head as if understanding. Then she gave me a big grin, "You always know best, Cousin Ed."
I blushed remembering how "best" I knew her body just a couple of nights ago. I looked away not wanting to see the open desire now spreading across her face out of fear it would cause my body to defy my vows never to be seduced by her again.
"I called my mom and told her last night," she said.
"Told her what?" I asked.
"What do you think? About her ex-husband Gary."
"How did she take it?"
"You know, good ole Pam. Real sympathetic like. Glad I let her know. Asked about Gary's money. All the important stuff." Kristina had reverted back to the tough kid. "She said she wanted to talk to you sometime, though. When I asked her why, she said you two used to be real close. I never knew that."
"Your mom and I were good friends before she left with you. Then she used to call me until I left Ann Arbor. That's why you remember talking to me on the phone. She wouldn't let me know where she was so I couldn't call and tell her I was moving."
"Give her a call sometime. I don't want her pestering me," she said before she flounced out of the room.
Rick turned away from the stove where he had been preparing the eggs. "I wish sometimes, she'd just stay away," he said. "I'd never say that to either Gary or Claire."
"Why do you wish she'd stay away?"
"She's usually trouble. I know she's all choked up about her father, but then at times she seems pretty heartless. This morning she came over to ask about her father's will," he said.
"His will? Good God, he's not dead," I said as I slammed my hand on the table.
"Tell me about it. I refused to answer her questions. Then you blessedly walked in. Probably just as well she won't go in and visit Gary."
"That's probably what Pam put in her head. You heard her say that her mother was asking about Gary's money."
"I don't know, Ed, maybe. But I think Kris is capable of thinking of those things on her own." Rick turned back around to pour the beaten eggs into the hot pan.
Late in the day while Claire finally rested in the spare bedroom, and I dozed on the couch, Gary asked Rick to bring Claire, Kristina, and me to his bedside.
"Kristina left a few hours ago, Rick," I said him as I uncurled myself from the couch. "Should I call her?"
"Let's not. I don't quite trust her with him right now. Besides she probably wouldn't come. I'll tell him I can't reach her. I can be forgiven for one small white lie, I think." He smiled sadly.
"What's he want?"
"He seems to be feeling better. He asked me to sit him up and shave him, brush his teeth. He even wanted me to put on one of his silk shirts. You know, Gary." We both shook our heads and laughed.
"Good sign, don't you think?" I asked.
"Sure, Ed, sure."
Claire and I entered the darkened bedroom. Gary was very sensitive to light, and the blinds were kept closed all of the time now. The only glow came from a small lamp on the other side of the room. Gary did look slightly better with his freshly shaven face and clean shirt. He smiled when we came in.
"Two of my favorite people! The most beautiful mother in the world and the handsomest cousin around," he said in his old voice. Except when he finished he began coughing uncontrollably and motioned for us to hand him the spittoon kept under the bed.
'"Gary, don't get so excited. We don't look all that good," Claire said as she held the large container for him.
"You're probably wondering why I've called you both here," he said when he was calmer. This time he kept his voice low.
"You wanta bust out of this joint?" Claire asked.
"Soon enough, Ma, soon enough. Seriously now, I want to tell you two a few things. I'll leave you both to tell Kristina. It's probably better this way, " he said.
"What is it, Gar?" I asked. I could see he had something important to tell us.
"First, I love you two probably the most in the world along with Kristina. You've stood by me when I didn't always deserve it, and you both have made my life easier at times without even knowing it."
"Gary, you don't have to tell us things we already know," Claire said.
"Yes, I do. It's important to me. Mom, you always made me feel loved. I admit that most of the time I just wanted Dad to love me, but you kept me grounded. There were times when I was in high school that I felt like killing myself because I knew I was different, and I wanted so desperately to be like everyone else. But, Mom, you always brought me back from the brink. Either through humor, the way you did just now, or just by being my mom and holding me when the pain was too much. And you never even knew the source of my greatest pain, but I believe if you had, even twenty years ago, you would have accepted it and loved me anyway." He looked at her with great affection. Claire blinked back the tears.
"You know I would have. You're my bestest son," she said as she squeezed his hands resting on his stomach.
"And now, Ed, ole buddy, my favorite cousin." Gary grinned at me.
"I'm your only cousin, Gar," I said as we both chuckled at this old joke.
"So you are. But you were the one who knew everything early on and never judged me. Even when I couldn't name it, you knew and accepted me even when I pushed you away. I love you like a brother, Cuz. Even when I turned away from you because you wanted me to face my demons, I loved you. I always knew you were right. And then, your book. I could never tell you what that meant to me. When I read it, I knew for sure you understood me intuitively. We never talked about most of the stuff you wrote, yet you knew."
"I always thought you were mad about it. And I always felt guilty because I sensed it's what broke up you and Elizabeth."
"I never should have married her although I did love her in a way. It wasn't worth it. But you understood. Thank you. You gave me more than I ever gave you."
"That's not true, Gary. You were and are my best friend. That's a lot, and I thank you," I said desperately trying not to cry.
"Now, that's out of the way. I wanted to tell you both some other things. First, let me say, that I also have loved Rick. We started out by me pushing him away like every other relationship, but with him, it didn't work. He's like you that way, Ed. He's stuck by me through this horrible illness that’s robbed me of every bit of dignity I ever had. I wondered if he would leave me when I first found out. Because you know, I'd heard the stories about partners leaving the minute they heard. I honestly believe that he never thought about leaving. He's been a saint."
"I will always love him for that, Gary," Claire said.
"Do that, Mom. Keep him in your heart. His mother won’t have anything to do with him, and I think he could use a good mother in the next few months." Gary paused to catch his breath for a moment.
"Almost everything that I have saved in my lifetime has gone to my care. No one will insure an AIDs patient. I have put aside a small amount for my funeral, and Rick has directions on how I want that handled. All of my debts will be paid. Anything left, I'm leaving to Rick for his undying devotion to me during the past year. He hasn't worked and will probably have some difficulty finding something right away. How does a grown man explain a year away from work on his resume?"
"I haven't left anything to Kristina," he said. He looked for a long time at Claire who met his gaze. "Mom, you must not let her take advantage of you or Dad," he said.
"What do you mean?" Claire asked.
"When I'm gone, she will try her tricks on you two instead of me. I've mostly given in to her demands until recently. Since she won't come in here and see me, Rick is under strict orders not to give her any money when she asks."
"Kris needs money?" Claire asked.
"Always. I’ve felt guilty since she showed up here, and believe me, she knows how to play that card, and I've given her what she's asked for. In fact, if I hadn't been so generous, I would be leaving more money behind that could have been split easily between her and Rick.” He paused to cough once again. We waited patiently.