by P. C. Zick
"Maybe. Who was there?"
"You know, the usual, Greg, Sue, and some other folks you don't know," she said. Then she sobered up and looked at me seriously. "Ed, I need to ask you something. Would you at least come with me to look at those houses on the north side of town?"
"Sure, Kelsey, sure," I said.
"Really, you will? You'll love them; just wait and see."
I looked at her skeptically and noticed that her blouse wasn't buttoned correctly, and her hair looked messy. From an emotional distance caused by the day's events, I realized I didn't even care enough to question her story. Now she looked at me with a wide grin, and I wondered what happened to the young woman who gave me coffee during a rainstorm while bread rose and baked in the co-op bakery three years ago. Where had she gone?
Pam didn't call that night, thankfully. I woke up the next morning with a hangover barely in time to make it for my first period class. The dull ache behind my eyes throughout the day prevented me from thinking about all that had happened in the last twenty-four hours.
Even though I didn't want to go back to Allison, the encounter with her had opened my eyes about something. I no longer felt the same way about Kelsey. At some point, I think I stopped loving her. I didn't share her vision for our future. I couldn't even see us together in any future life. I didn't know what to do about it.
Not only did I know that my marriage was headed for the brink of disaster, but I was certain after my talk with Elizabeth that her marriage was about to catapult over the edge much sooner than my own. I decided to wait until the weekend before contacting Gary.
I called him Saturday morning and suggested that we go out for lunch sometime soon. He wanted to go to a favorite bar in downtown Ann Arbor that he liked for its low lights and mellow jazz on Sunday afternoons. He said he needed to go over and visit his parents anyway, and he might as well do both on Sunday. I felt a pang of guilt because I hadn't visited my parents in awhile either. When I told him, he suggested that we get them all together at his folks' house for Sunday dinner. Then he and I could go down to the Del Rio later in the day. He said he would make all of the arrangements.
Neither one of us mentioned bringing our wives. I didn't even mention my plans for the day to Kelsey until I started to get ready.
"What's up today?" she asked when she saw that I was changing into my khakis and blue shirt, my Sunday best.
"Gary and I are having dinner with our folks and then going out to the Del Rio later. We haven't seen each other in awhile."
"How come you didn't tell me? I made other plans for the day."
"I didn't think you'd want to come, I guess. Sorry, Kelsey, I didn't think of it."
"You've been doing a lot of that lately," she said as she turned away from me.
The first thing I noticed when I arrived at Claire’s and Philip's house was my father's condition. He had never looked very well or strong since my childhood, but now he was hunched over more than ever and coughed uncontrollably at times. His color resembled that of a jellyfish left out in the sun for too long.
"What's going on with Dad?" I asked my mother when we had a moment alone.
"I don't know. He won't go to the doctor. He says they'll just tell him to stop smoking and drinking, and he says no quack is going to make him do that. You know how he is."
"He needs to do something. Aren't you worried?"
"I've resigned myself. He's supposed to retire next year, and I'm hoping I can convince him to move to Florida. Maybe if he's away from some of his cronies, he'll stop those habits that are killing him."
I watched my father as he sat in the living room with his brother Philip who looked twenty years younger instead of two. Even Aunt Susan, their older sister, looked years younger than my father. Maybe I should talk to him, I thought, but immediately I knew it would be futile. My father never listened to me, and worse, I suspected he didn't even like me very much. He didn't like anyone. His future looked bleaker than mine, and I couldn't imagine him living in Florida.
Aunt Susan came and sat next to me on the couch. I patted her hand and smiled at her with genuine affection. Of all the siblings, Aunt Susan had the sweetest and most sensitive personality.
"He doesn't look good does he, Ed?" she asked quietly inclining her head toward my father.
"No, but Mom says he won't go to the doctor. Can you say something to him? You seem to have the most influence."
"Neither of my brothers ever listen to me! But that's never stopped me before. I'll talk to him," she said.
When Gary and I finally extracted ourselves from the clutches of our mothers and Aunt Susan, we headed downtown. We had to wait a short while for a table at the Washington Street club. Once seated at a small table with a window, I glanced across the street and saw one or two long-time establishments and noticed a new jazz club and restaurant.
"The Flame Bar is still there, I see," I said without thinking about its clientele.
"Yes, indeed, and it's still the same," Gary said.
"You go there much?" I asked.
"I have, but there are better ones in Detroit. I've pretty much stopped going to the gay bars though. I'm afraid I might get recognized."
"So it's started again, Gar?" I asked.
"Yep, Cuz, it's started again. Your book helped me realize some things, but I just didn't know how to tell you."
"And you and Elizabeth?"
"Now that's a problem. You know, I really love her in a way. It's not like with Pam who I learned to despise. Elizabeth's sweet and kind.”
"And you are destroying her," I added.
"What? Did you talk to her?"
"She came to visit the other night. She thinks you're having an affair. I tried to calm her down, but she's really hurt and confused. What are you going to do?"
"I need to end it. She's not so far off base. I am having an affair. A love affair," he said like a teenager confessing a crush.
"I don't know whether to say congratulations or not under the circumstances. First, talk to Elizabeth. Tell her whatever you need to tell her, but don't let her suffer anymore."
Gary promised me that he would deal with his marriage. Then he would introduce me to his new friend. We even managed to relax and enjoy ourselves, even though my marriage woes still hung over my head. I didn't want to burden Gary with anything more on this afternoon when we seemed to have connected once again.
My parents never made it to Florida together. Soon after Thanksgiving, my mother called to tell me that my father collapsed at work and was in the hospital. They were running tests. She warned me that it didn't look good because he was spitting up blood.
It wasn't good news. My father had inoperable lung cancer. By the time the doctors found it, it had spread to all areas of the lungs. They gave him three months at the most to live. I spent long hours at the hospital with my mother and Aunt Susan who was a rock during those weeks. Gary came occasionally and so did Philip and Claire, but mostly it was my mother, Susan, and I. Kelsey came whenever it was convenient.
My father died on New Year's Day 1976 without his family by his side. We had all spent the night with him because the doctors advised us that the end was near. When he had made it through to the new year, we went home for showers and a nap, planning to come back mid-day. I took my mother back to the house in Ypsilanti where we both had just laid down for a quick nap when the hospital called to tell us he had died shortly after we'd left.
The funeral was held on a bleak January day. Kelsey, Aunt Susan, and I rode with my mother in the limousine behind the hearse on the way to the cemetery. My mother looked out the window, and I kept my arm around her shoulders.
"I guess I'll go to Florida now," she said.
"I think that's a good idea, Mom. Claire and Philip are thinking about moving there this year, too."
"Yes, I think I'll go with them," she said.
"Live with them?"
"No, but they're going to buy a house in this new community. Claire tells me there
are apartments there, too. I'd at least have family nearby."
"And as soon as the school year ends, I'm going to move there, too." Aunt Susan interjected lightly. "Forty years of teaching music to fifth graders is enough for anyone, don't you think?"
"I guess I know where I'll be taking my vacations from now on," I said, but Kelsey looked at me sharply noticing that I hadn't said "we."
Kelsey and I walked side-by-side to the gravesite not touching or talking. When it was all over, she touched my sleeve.
"Ed, we need to talk."
"I know. When we get back to the house, let's take a walk."
And so on the day that my father was buried, Kelsey and I made plans for the future.
"Ed, there's someone else," she said as we walked through the neighborhood.
She looked at me. I stared back waiting for her to say it. I didn't want to make it easy for her.
"Greg, at work. We're in love," she said.
"Greg," I repeated. "I guess I should have known."
"I'm sorry, Ed. I really did love you at one time. And I still think of you as a good friend."
"You know, it's strange, Kelsey, but that's exactly how I feel about you. I'm not sure when it happened, but at some point I stopped loving you, too. But it's OK, isn't it?"
"Yes, Eddie, it's OK."
As our marriage took its final gasps, we sadly hugged one another on this day of endings and beginnings.
In another place, at the same time, on the same day, Elizabeth and Gary also decided to part ways. Even though my father's life had held disappointment for himself and those around him, in his death others found the strength to change their lives for the better. I took comfort in the fact that at least some meaning might come from his death, even though in his life he never sought to understand those closest to him.
I slowly rose from my bed to get dressed. I would not let Gary die alone like my father. He would have those who loved him the most near him as we tried to make his passage from this world a safe one. After a lifetime of suffering, it was the least he deserved.
"Where's Claire?" I asked Rick when I passed him in the hallway on my way to Gary's room.
"Sitting by his bed. She won't leave him now. His breathing has already started to change. There's a rattle," he said.
"Let's go. From now on, we should always stay there with Claire, I think."
"I agree," Rick said.
We remained with Gary for the rest of the night. It was excruciating to sit in that room. We waited after each loud breath for the next one, dreading it, yet hoping it would come. As the night wore on, the breathing became more irregular.
Finally, around dawn with the new day emerging outside the shaded window of the bedroom, Gary took one last gasp of air, but he never let it out. He had gone from us, just as the night had slipped away, with little fanfare.
The first cry came from Rick who began rocking back and forth in his chair next to the bed. Claire had positioned herself on the other side standing near the head of the bed resting her cheek on Gary's forehead as he breathed for the last time. The tears slid down her face as I went to stand next to her, trying not to let the sob escape from my throat. We stood motionless for an eternity each thinking our private thoughts of the man who could finally rest in peace in a place where demons no longer tortured young men, where fathers cared, and where acceptance came as naturally as living on this earth.
Falling, falling, falling. Calm and peace surround the body as the soul escapes its prison. The living are left with the suffering. He watched wordlessly as the cloud lifted, growing lighter and lighter and finally leaving his soul.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
After Gary took his last breath, Claire, Rick, and I sat for a long time in the room mourning the passage of this man we all loved. Claire was the first to break the silence.
"I need to call Kristina," Claire said as she pulled herself away from the lifeless form. She leaned down to kiss him on the forehead one last time. "What do we do now, Rick?" she asked.
"I've got all the numbers in the kitchen. Go call Kris. I'd like a few minutes alone with Gary to say good-bye."
We left him with his memories and the body that once held such a tormented soul. We went into the kitchen to distance ourselves from the very private ritual taking place in the bedroom.
"I suppose I should call Philip, too," Claire said. "I hope at least he'll come for the funeral.
Philip never did come to New Orleans. He didn't say much when Claire called, and he never asked about arrangements. Claire never told him. She said we'd be back in a few days. However, some surprising guests did attend. Both of Gary's ex-wives flew in for the funeral.
Elizabeth's presence I could understand. Gary and she parted amicably and still kept in touch during the holidays. Claire and she exchanged Christmas cards, and the whole family followed her career that had taken off since the divorce. She now hosted a daily talk show with a variety format.
I was concerned about Pam's decision to attend the funeral and hoped there wouldn't be any vicious scenes. Kristina seemed unconcerned, both about her father's death and her mother's arrival. On the morning of the funeral, Pam called me from her hotel.
"Ed, I’m here," she said.
"Hi, Pam," I said.
"Kris says the funeral is at two o’clock, right? I really just want to give Kris support. This isn't easy for her, you know. By the way, how were Gary's finances?"
"What do you want to know that for?"
"Just wondering. I suppose Kris inherits everything now. Gary did have a will, didn’t he?"
"Pam, I don't want to talk about this right now. I'll see you at the funeral." Now I knew why she had come all the way from Las Vegas for the funeral of a man she despised and for a daughter she'd never really loved.
In addition to Gary's family and ex-wives, just a small cadre of friends who hadn't abandoned Gary when they found out he had AIDs, attended the funeral service. Pam looked old and worn. It was hard to believe that Gary, with his penchant for all things beautiful, had once been married to this woman. Elizabeth, as beautiful as ever, probably wondered the same thing when they were introduced. When she met Kristina, she attempted genuine affection, but Kristina would have none of it.
"So you're the Miss America Gary married?" Kristina asked when Elizabeth attempted to hug her as she offered condolences.
"Yes, and you're the daughter he always loved," she said.
"This must be a shocker for you. I bet you didn't announce his death on your TV show, did you?"
"That would hardly be appropriate, now would it? It was nice to meet you finally, Kristina. And Pam, too, of course." She walked over to Claire leaving both mother and daughter in her dust as they made fun of her walk.
"Come on, you two. Stop it, she's a nice person, and she loved Gary," I said.
"Sorry, Ed. I forgot we were in the midst of a saint." Kristina knew she would hit me hard with that one.
"I'm not a saint, but I do have some respect for people, living and dead," I said before I walked away from them, too.
However, I couldn't avoid them for very long. They pounced on me as I finished thanking everyone for coming. I was also inviting all the guests back to the apartment for a drink. Gary was being cremated so there would be no cemetery scene.
"Ed, now that the funeral is over, when do we find out about the will so Kris can come home?" Pam said as I headed for my car. Kristina followed her.
"All right, I guess it would be better coming from me than from Rick since you're both so interested. Most of Gary's estate has been eaten up with his medical expenses. Anything left over will go to Rick."
"You're kidding, right?" Pam asked.
"No, Gary told Claire and me the day before he died. He said that Rick had stopped working to care for him. And besides he felt he had already given Kristina enough."
"That son of a bitch," was Pam's only response.
"That's rich, really rich. He gave it all away to that wimp,"
Kristina announced to the wind.
"He also asked Claire and me to help you understand." I gently touched Kristina's arm, hoping she would know that we really wanted to help her.
"Did he also tell you to keep your filthy paws off me?" With that, she flounced away, leaving Pam and I alone.
"What did she mean by that, Ed?" Pam asked.
"Not sure. Why don't you ask her? It was good to see you again after all these years, Pam, but I really think it would be better if you didn't come back to the apartment."
"Don't worry, Eddie, I wouldn't want to dirty the proceedings. Besides I've got some things to tell Kris." She walked away after her daughter, leaving me to wonder what things she would tell her. I also wondered whether Kristina would tell her about our encounter. With a heavy heart, I got in my car and drove back to the French Quarter.
As I pulled out of the funeral home parking lot, I thought about why Pam had come for Gary's funeral. She really thought that Gary would leave something for Kristina. She probably also hoped that Kristina would share with her. I examined my feelings carefully and found that I didn't really care anymore if Kristina told Pam about our one-time encounter. Nothing much mattered to me now that Gary was gone.
Elizabeth came back to the apartment, as did a few other close friends. We spent the rest of the afternoon swapping Gary stories and putting him to rest with dignity and respect. I saw the last of the guests out the door just as the sun set over the balcony.
"Are you ready to go back tomorrow, Claire?" I asked when the apartment was finally empty except for the three of us. "Will you be all right, Rick?"
"Sure, sure, you two go back. It's time we all got our lives back to normal."
When the phone rang, I picked up the nearest extension on the armoire in the living room.
"Ed, I wanted to apologize," Kristina said.
"For what?"
"I was ugly today, and I'm sorry. I don't want you to be mad at me. But I was pretty devastated. Here my dad dies only a few short years after I've found him, and then I find out he doesn't love me enough to leave me anything." She began to cry softly.