by Becky Harmon
“This is a nice place, Lucy. I’m so proud of you.”
Lucy sank onto the top step and stared at her mother. Her ears hadn’t heard those simple words from anyone, even her mother, in so long. I’m proud of you. She resisted the urge to jump to her feet and fall into her mother’s arms. What if this new version of her mother didn’t last? Hadn’t she worked hard enough convincing herself she could count on no one?
Her mother kissed the top of her head and sat down beside her. “Go ahead and ask.”
“Ask what?”
“How I found you or what I’m doing here would be a good start. At least we would be talking. I’ve called you a lot since we saw each other last.”
“I know and I’m sorry,” she sighed. She had wanted to call, especially after everything with Dex, but the fear of finding out her mother had drifted back into a shell had kept her from it. She didn’t blame her mother for their lack of a relationship. She knew it was her fault too. Her mother had lost so much and instead of standing by her or helping her rebuild her life, she had run away. “I really am sorry.”
Eileen gave her a quizzical look before her face settled into a smile. “No more ‘I’m sorry.’ Okay? I know your life is really busy and I don’t expect you to drop everything when I call. What I do expect, though, is for you to be honest with me. Are you willing to let me back in your life?”
That was a question she wasn’t expecting and she needed time to answer it. Or at least to answer in a way that wasn’t going to hurt her mother’s feelings.
“Let’s be honest, Lucy. I haven’t been here for you and now you aren’t sure if you can rely on me. I get that. But I’m asking you for another chance. Can you give me that?”
“I want to,” she said softly.
Eileen hugged her. “That’s the best answer I could have hoped for.” She stood. “Now, show me this house of yours.”
Lucy held the front door open, allowing Eileen to enter first. She forced herself to make simple conversation as they walked through the house.
“Is that fresh-cut wood I smell?” Eileen asked.
“It is. They finished my kitchen right before you arrived.”
“It’s really lovely.”
Lucy followed her mother as she walked around the kitchen, running her fingers across the brand-new countertop. She tried to see her little cabin through someone else’s eyes. It was small, but its openness gave it a larger appearance. The large window behind the living room sofa along with the one over the kitchen sink brought more than enough light into the two rooms.
When they stepped into her bedroom, she saw the moose resting at the head of the bed where she had been using it as a pillow. She had woken up with it in her arms yesterday morning after falling asleep in the living room. She could blame it on the early arrival of Dan and his workers, but the truth was she had liked waking up with the moose in her arms. It certainly wasn’t the same as a warm body, but it made her feel less alone.
Back in the kitchen, her mother added water to the teapot on the stove and turned the burner on under it. Following her mother’s lead, Lucy pulled two mugs from the cabinet and several boxes of tea. They continued to talk about the house and the changes Lucy had made. It was an easier conversation than the one they had outside, but she knew more was coming. Her mother was back in the form Lucy remembered from her early teenage days. Eileen wouldn’t push too hard, but she would be persistent. If you were holding out on her, she had an instinctual way of knowing it.
At the table with their tea mugs between them, Eileen focused on her.
“So, tell me about the important people in your life,” Eileen asked.
Another question Lucy wasn’t expecting. Should she confess she had not formed any lasting relationships her entire adult life? Say it or not, her mother was going to be able to tell.
“Sheila and Karen live next door. We bonded over a donkey named Bogarts.”
Eileen smiled. “That’s nice. What about a boyfriend?”
Lucy’s insides froze. Of all the things she had thought about over the last twenty years, coming out to her mother was not one of them. She had dated her first girl in college and had still been coming to terms with it when her father was killed. Coming out to her mother after that had never even crossed her mind. Her mother was no longer present in her life.
She looked out the window at the setting sun and then took a sip of her tea. Why was she delaying the inevitable? Because this could be the moment that would send her mother away again. Wasn’t it her mother who had said to be honest?
“No, I do not currently have a girlfriend.”
Eileen raised her eyebrows, but said nothing.
“I’ve dated only women for the last twenty years.”
“I guess I’m not surprised. You stopped mentioning boys before you left for college. We have a lot to catch up on. That’s not a surprise either.”
Lucy’s phone rang and she glanced at the screen before swiping.
“Sheila?”
“Hey, Lucy. I wanted to warn you that Karen’s on her way down.”
“Okay.”
“She’s bringing you dinner, but her real reason is we saw the car go by. Is it her?”
Lucy stood and walked to the door. “No, it’s my mother.”
“Oh. How’s that? I guess you probably can’t talk, right?”
“Right.”
“Call us later when you can. Just take the food from Karen and send her home.”
“Okay. Thanks.”
The cart roared into view as she pulled open the door. She turned back to her mother and shrugged. “Karen from next door is dropping off dinner.”
“Well, that’s nice.”
Eileen followed her onto the porch and Lucy introduced them quickly before Karen could ask too many questions. She wasn’t fast enough to keep her mother from hearing Karen ask if Dex was here before they could say goodbye to her. She carried the food back in the house and set it on the table.
“Do you mind?” Eileen asked as she began pulling food from the bag. “I was going to suggest we drive into town for some dinner, but this is so much better. Now you can tell me about Dex.”
“She’s a pilot I met a while back.”
“But you’re afraid to take a chance with her?”
Lucy shook her head. Was she really having this conversation with her mother?
“What then?” Eileen asked.
“I don’t know, but why would you say I’m afraid?”
“Oh, come on, Lucy. I may not have been around, but I’m still your mother. What real relationship do you have in your life? Karen and Sheila, okay. But I know you haven’t lived here long so unless you knew them before you moved here this hasn’t been a very long relationship. So, go ahead and prove me wrong. Tell me who you have in your life.”
Lucy shook her head again.
Eileen sat beside her and pulled her into her arms. “I’m not trying to be hard on you, Lucy. Neither of us have had anything permanent since your father died. I was scared too. I was scared that something would happen to you and I’d never recover. But guess what? I missed so much of your life protecting myself.”
She could feel the sting of the tears starting to fall and she fought to hold them back, burying her head in her mother’s shoulder.
“Life is short, Lucy. We need to live every day to its fullest or we miss out on so much.”
“How can you say that? Dad was everything to you. You lost it all,” she sobbed. She couldn’t remember the last time she had cried. Maybe when the news of her father had come or maybe the last time she had tried to share a meal and a conversation with her mother.
“I didn’t lose it all. I still have you. And I still have the ability to continue living. I miss your father more than I can ever tell you, but there is more to being alive. I promise you that if you take a chance on love you won’t regret it. I certainly haven’t. Your father was wonderful. He made me feel special every day, and his words will stay with m
e until I die. I have no regrets for my life with him. It was everything I wanted it to be.”
“Until he died.”
“We all die one day. Yes, your father was taken before any of us were ready, but it doesn’t change the wonderful memories we have.”
Lucy pushed to her feet, wiping her eyes on the sleeve of her T-shirt. “I don’t want to feel that kind of pain again.”
“You will. Whether you want to or not. So, why not live today exactly the way you want to. Or rather with the one that you want to. Tell me about her.”
Lucy felt like a teenager as she watched her mother heap mounds of food onto both of their plates and heat them in the microwave. She told her how she had met Dex but left out their nights together. She did tell her about how Dex had followed her to Niagara Falls, though. Before she knew it their plates were empty and her mother had cleared the table.
“I should get to the hotel,” Eileen said.
“Cancel it.”
“What?”
“Cancel it. You can have my room. I’ll sleep on the couch.”
“Well, I haven’t checked in yet, so I have my bag with me. Are you sure?”
Lucy took a deep breath. She was sure. She wasn’t ready to let her mother go yet.
“I’m sure. Stay with me.”
While her mother called the hotel and canceled her reservation, Lucy carried her bag in from the car. She changed into sleep clothes and grabbed a few things from her room. She lay down on the couch with the moose as a pillow while she waited for her mother to prepare for bed. She remembered when they had met previously and she had done everything she could to avoid the awkward embrace they normally shared. That wasn’t the way she felt tonight. She liked the comfort and strength her mother shared in her embrace.
“I think I’ll go ahead and turn in,” Eileen said when she returned to the living room.
She lifted her head and looked at her mother. Even though there were more lines on her face, this was the mother she had grown up with. Eileen pulled the footstool over to where Lucy lay on the couch and sat down. She pulled Lucy’s hand to her chest and held it tightly.
“Our lives will change many more times over our remaining years, but I don’t want anything to ever separate us again,” Eileen said softly. “You’ll learn to trust again if you let yourself. I promise to always be here to hold your hand when things hurt you.”
Eileen ran her hand through Lucy’s hair as she stood.
“I’ll see you in the morning.”
Lucy watched her disappear into the bedroom and she pulled the moose from under her head, hugging him tight. So many things had changed in the last four hours. She knew the past wasn’t forgotten, but it would be. She had seen a transformation in her mother she never thought possible. She hadn’t realized how much she had missed her mother. She had boxed up every emotion and carried it around like a treasure she was unwilling to share. She felt like her life was starting over again.
Where did all this leave her with Dex? She wanted Dex in her life, but she still wasn’t sure she was willing to take the risk. She had never allowed anyone to get to really know her. What if Dex discovered she didn’t like the real her?
She rubbed her face. Sleep would never come if she continued to think about all of this, but she couldn’t seem to stop. She already knew she would give Dex the chance to get to know her—if Dex still wanted to, that is. She pondered the challenge of finding a way to connect with her again. It wouldn’t be easy, but she had several options, one of which was appearing at the door of Dex’s condo in Toronto. She began to contemplate scenarios of spending a Christmas in Toronto with Dex. Christmas Eve was three days away—and she wasn’t sure what her mother’s plans might be. Finding that out would be the first task of the day when she woke up. She’d figure out a plan. She still had over a week of vacation left.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Lucy awoke to a cramp in her back and the smell of coffee. It took her several minutes to realize where she was and who was making coffee in her kitchen. She groaned as she rolled to her feet and looked at her mother.
Last night had been like a dream. Her mother was back in her life—something she hadn’t realized she had given up hoping for—and for the first time in her adult life, she felt grounded and secure. Maybe it was her mother or maybe it was her home. Either way she was happy. Now to make plans to fix things with Dex. She could send her a text or even call her.
She looked around for her phone. It wasn’t within arm’s length as she expected. Where had she left it last night?
“What are you looking for?” Eileen called from the kitchen.
“My phone. I can’t remember where I put it.”
“It’s in your bedroom. I heard it ringing last night.”
“Sorry. I hope it didn’t wake you.”
She jogged down the hall and grabbed her phone from the top of her dresser. She typed out a short text to Dex asking if they could talk. She didn’t see a missed call so she checked her call log. Dex had called right after they had gone to bed. She hadn’t left a message, though.
Eileen handed her a cup of coffee when she returned to the kitchen and they moved to the living room.
“Do you want to go and get some breakfast? There isn’t any food in your cabinets or your refrigerator. I hope that’s because your house was under construction and not how you normally live.”
Lucy laughed. “I’m not home much—”
The sound of a car door closing interrupted her. She walked to the front door and opened it. Her pulse quickened as Dex climbed the steps to the porch.
“What…where?” she stuttered, trying to absorb what she was seeing.
Dex smiled. “Surprise.”
* * *
Dex couldn’t believe she had been able to grab a flight and was finally standing in front of Lucy. She could see how shocked Lucy was. She wasn’t sure that was a good thing. She wished she had spent more time thinking about what she would actually say when she arrived.
“How did you find me?” Lucy asked.
Dex looked over Lucy’s head to the woman watching her from the sofa. There was enough of a resemblance that she knew this was Lucy’s mother. The woman gave her a small nod.
“Your mother answered your phone when I called last night.”
She watched Lucy’s eyes grow large as she turned her body and looked back and forth between them.
“How did you find me,” Lucy asked her mother.
“I used my GPS. I did send you a housewarming gift, remember?”
Lucy shook her head as if she couldn’t believe what was in front of her. Dex stepped inside the cabin, pulling the door shut behind her. She crossed to the sofa and stuck out her hand to Lucy’s mother.
“Dex Alexander,” she said.
“Eileen Donovan. It’s so nice to meet you.”
“You as well.”
“If you’re both finished,” Lucy said sarcastically.
Dex glanced at her. Lucy leaned against the kitchen table wearing baggy sweatpants and a T-shirt, but she couldn’t help thinking she was more adorable than ever. The look on her face, though, was a bit frightening. She knew she was taking a risk coming here. She knew Lucy might not be happy to see her. Her phone dinged with a new text message. She pulled the phone from her pocket and glanced at the screen. A message from Lucy was displayed on the screen.
She met Lucy’s eyes. “You want to talk?”
“I thought we should.”
“So I’m here. Talk.”
Lucy looked at her mother and back at her.
“I was just leaving,” Eileen said, disappearing into the bedroom. She returned a moment later with her overnight bag. She kissed Lucy’s cheek and whispered something Dex couldn’t hear.
Dex returned her wave as Eileen disappeared through the front door. For the first time since she arrived, she took a few minutes to study Lucy. There was no doubt in her mind she was the most beautiful woman she had ever seen. She felt her pulse
race as she watched Lucy push back the hair that had fallen across her face. And sexy, so very sexy. Her heart skipped a beat when their eyes met.
“What did she say to you?” She couldn’t help but be curious with the way Eileen’s words had made Lucy’s face grow hard.
Lucy shrugged, and for a second Dex thought she wasn’t going to tell her.
“She said love was always worth the risk.”
“It’s an experience of infinity.”
Lucy gave a chuckle. “Did you read that in a fortune cookie?”
“No, a teatag.”
“Clearly a life lesson.”
“Yes, it was. Love is an experience of infinity.”
Lucy shook her head. “I don’t think of infinity when I think about love. My dad is gone.”
“Infinite love doesn’t mean people we love won’t leave this earth. It means I’ll love you more tomorrow than I do today. That there is no limit to the amount of love I can feel for you.”
“You love me?” Lucy asked.
“I think that might be possible.”
“Why is it you seem to fit so seamlessly into my life? I’ve never had to try so hard to convince myself I don’t do relationships.”
Dex crossed to where Lucy stood, leaving a small space between them. “Maybe because now you do.”
Lucy dropped her head, breaking their eye contact. Dex knew saying the right thing was important, but doing the right thing was what would convince this woman that she loved her. She gently touched Lucy’s chin and lifted her head. Their eyes locked and Dex did her best to convey her feelings to Lucy.
“I am in love with you,” she said softly. “So in love. I don’t know how we’ll work the living arrangements, but I know I only want to be with you.”
A small tear escaped from the corner of Lucy’s eye. “I never thought my heart would allow me to feel again, let alone that I would believe someone when they said those words. I want this too. I want you in my life.”
Dex pulled Lucy into her arms and enjoyed the feeling of holding and being held. The comfort and strength that flowed back and forth between them was all she would ever need. There would be plenty of time to figure out what they would have to do to make this relationship work, but right now she only wanted to enjoy the thrill of being with the woman she loved.