by Stacey Lynn
“I was planning on it.” I wouldn’t miss my best friend’s debut on a rock stage for anything in the entire world, especially since the tour is starting in Minneapolis, where her and Zack’s love affair began. We talk a little bit more about the tour until our food is gone, the check is paid, and we’re ready to continue our afternoon along the plaza.
“Excuse me, are you Chase Harper?”
Both of us stop and turn to the woman who has just spoken. She has caramel colored hair with bright blue eyes. She’s wearing a pale yellow sundress with a long-sleeve white cardigan covering her shoulders. She’s classically beautiful. And nervous, if the way she’s slightly biting her lower lip is any indication.
Chase looks at me apprehensively, silently asking my permission to speak to her. It warms my heart and makes me laugh at the same time. Like I care if he talks to fans, they’re the reason why he’s so successful.
“I am,” he finally says gently with a genuine smile. He reaches out and shakes her hand.
“I’m Molly.” Her voice and her fingers are both slightly shaky as she talks to him. I bite back my amused laughter. I don’t blame the girl one bit. The first time Chase smiled and touched me I almost melted into a puddle of dripping lust in the middle of the auditorium floor. He just has that effect on people.
I watch Molly smile as Chase asks her a few questions and signs a small notebook she’s holding in her hand. She has a youthful innocence in her smile and her blue eyes. She’s probably close to my age but looks happier. Lighter. Like she doesn’t have the stress of the world pressing down on her chest.
She is someone who is carefree and whole. Healthy.
She is who I used to be. I can’t help but wonder how long it’s been since I’ve felt the way she looks. Since someone has seen that freedom in me.
“Mia?” I blink away the thoughts at the sound of Chase’s concerned voice. He’s holding a camera out to me, looking at me cautiously. Molly has a polite smile. “You okay?”
“Yeah. Want me to take your picture?”
“That’d be great,” Molly says with a clap of her hands and a bounce to her feet. I can’t help but feel her excitement. “No one is going to believe I just met Chase Harper. He’s incredible!” Her cheeks turn a fire engine red color at her admission.
I take the camera from Chase and give her a wink. “He really is.”
I quickly snap their picture and she waves good-bye to both of us.
“Where’d you go?” Chase asks once she’s gone and we look around, noticing no one else caught their interaction. Chase is always cautious out in public. He refuses to hire bodyguards, claiming he can take care of himself and since he’s ‘just the drummer’ according to his words, doesn’t get noticed nearly as often as other band members like Zack and Jake. But even then, he’s quick to get out of a public place if a lot of attention is drawn to him. Luckily, it seems we’re in the clear this time.
I try to take a step away from him, not wanting to admit what I just realized, when he takes a hold of my hand, pulling me back to him. His grip tightens when I try to pull away.
“What is it?”
But I can’t explain it to him. How do I tell him that I’ve just realized that I’m not who I used to be and I miss her? How do I explain that the only time I have come close to feeling like me is when I’m with him, safe and in his arms? It would give him too much hope there’s a future for us and it’s not possible.
Of course, my fears could be running away from me needlessly. It’s possible that my assumptions on my doctor calling could be wrong. It’s possible I’m okay.
And if that’s true, it’s possible that I could actually give myself to Chase. Completely. But even I know those possibilities are just pipe dreams. My destiny was determined for me before the day I was born, and while I’ve come to accept it, I’m certainly not willing to drag anyone down with me into my hell.
Especially not Chase.
“I’m not sure I want to stay in New York,” I finally mutter.
Chase tilts his head to the left and his eyes narrow as if he’s trying to pull the truth straight from my fragile, terrified heart. A curious expression followed with confusion flickers across his gaze as his eyebrows pull close together.
It’s not a complete lie. I’ve been questioning staying in New York ever since he brought it up on the plane. It’s been in the back of my mind this entire weekend as I figure out what I have to do once I leave California.
I love everything about being a buyer, but something is missing. I work more hours than I could ever have imagined, and we’re all stressed out all the time. I haven’t made many good friends, so it’s rare that I go out for a night to blow off steam.
Slowly, he nods once, letting me have my secrets and not pushing further more than he knows I can give.
We’re on the walkway at the top of the hill and the stage is at the bottom. I don’t know the band playing, but they sound really good and hundreds of people are sitting on the grassy hill, enjoying their music.
“Let’s go check it out,” Chase says, pulling me down the hill until we are right in the middle of the action, surrounded by families and couples of all nationalities enjoying a beautiful afternoon together.
Chase pulls me in between legs, pulling his knees up, and resting his feet on the grass so that I’m sitting in front of him, my head resting on his chest. He keeps his arms crossed around me, his fingers alternating between resting on his knees and tapping out a drum rhythm along with the music.
Occasionally I bend down and kiss his callused finger tips and he responds by trailing light kisses along my neck and shoulder that make me feel like the weather is ten degrees warmer than it truly is.
I shiver when he nudges his lips up to my ear, his slightly scruffy chin and cheeks scraping across my sensitive skin.
It’s the most romantic moment in my life, and I almost wish we could stay here forever, where nothing can hurt us. Just the music and the sky and the breeze in the air, holding us steady and keeping us close to one another.
“Thank you for a great date today. I’ve had so much fun.” Being with you. Holding you. Thinking it might be possible for me to maybe, someday, love someone. These are all the thoughts swirling in my head as we slowly rock back and forth to the music, his arms wrapped around me and pulling me close against him. But no matter how hard I want to say them, they’re caught in my throat.
“I think I might be in love with you, Mia.” I tense under his hands, shocked by the words that come out of his mouth out of nowhere. He must know I want to pull away, but he won’t let me.
“Chase,” I start to protest, but shut my mouth when he shushes me. His declaration is coming too closely on the heels of my own realization that I like him a lot more than I’m willing to admit to anyone, especially myself.
“I know you won’t say it. I don’t even know if you feel it yet, but I just had to let you know. If I thought it wouldn’t make you run away from me forever, I’d tell you that I just don’t think it; I know it. But I can wait to tell you I know for sure, when you realize you love me too.”
My breathing increases, all the comfort of our afternoon vanishes in the blink of an eye. I feel hot and uncomfortable underneath Chase’s arms; the arms that just a few minutes ago brought me so much warmth.
We don’t speak again until the music is done and we’re back at our car. I have no idea how many songs I listened to by the band that I had been enjoying so much. I don’t remember passing the gorgeous mosaic again or the boutique I wanted one last peek at. Chase’s words and declaration of love is almost too much for my guarded little heart to handle. It’s like he has an ice pick and he’s slowly trying to pick away at every defense I have.
And if I let that happen, I can completely fall apart. There’s a chance I could never be put back together again. Besides my family and Nic, I’ve never told anyone I love them. I’ve never felt that with anyone and I don’t know if I even want to.
I stumb
le when Chase grabs my hand after he opens my door. He turns to me and cups my face with his hands. His hat is turned backwards now and there’s no missing the passion and the love shining in his eyes. I can’t believe it’s for me. I can’t believe he’d fall in love with me, someone unable to love him in return. I can’t stand the thought of hurting him.
He smiles lightly, smoothing my cheeks and the tension that is around my eyes. I can feel it and he must see it. My eyes are frozen as big as saucers and my lips part a little bit, shocked that I can finally see so much. I start to shake my head again but he stops me, holding me still.
“Don’t run from me. I don’t know what you’re afraid of, but I’m not trying to pressure you into saying or feeling anything you’re not ready for. I just had to let you know.”
Without a word, his lips press against mine and begin tenderly kissing me. My body succumbs to the feelings of lust that hits me like a rocket blast whenever Chase touches me. His kiss is short and passionate enough for me to feel what he’s not saying.
I want to run and leap off the end of a pier. To run away and cool off at the same time.
He smiles softly, blinks away the emotion that’s terrifying me, and gently guides me to my seat.
“It’s so good to see you!” I’m wrapped in Nic’s arms and I have to fight back the tears that want to fall. Ever since we left the River Walk yesterday, Chase and I have said maybe a half dozen words to each other. He wants to fight with me. I can tell by every tense expression and the constant flexing and relaxing of his fingers that he’s trying not to hit something. He’s upset, and yet even in his frustration with me, I can see his concern.
He wants to know what I’m so afraid of, but I can’t tell him. It will make my future too real and it’s not something I’m ready to handle.
Zack comes around the corner of his house with a large smile on his face and pulls me into a hug that I quickly return. Then he eyes Chase and they give each other some manly fist bump gesture that I’ve never understood.
Chase looks to me and then shakes his head. “I’ll just go put our bags away.”
“You’re staying here?” Zack asks with an odd expression on his face.
“Why wouldn’t I? Is that a problem?” I feel like I’m missing something between all of their shifty gazes. Why wouldn’t Chase stay here? He always does. Without waiting for an actual answer to his question, I watch him walk down the hall, completely bypassing the room at the end of the hall I always stay in when I visit.
“So things in Napa didn’t go so well?” Nic asks quietly once Chase disappears.
I wrinkle my nose and nervously play with my hair. He told me he loved me and I freaked the fuck out doesn’t seem like it would sound so well. I sigh. “It got complicated.”
She smiles, but it’s clear she doesn’t know what I mean. I don’t bother explaining it to her.
I stare down the empty hallway, unable to meet my best friend’s eyes for maybe the first time ever. How do I explain it to her in a way she’d understand? She’s always known I don’t do serious relationships, but I’ve never had to sit down and tell her why.
And then I take off after Chase, wondering where he put my bags.
I find him in the room he uses when he’s here. The room is void of any décor. There are no pictures, paintings, or anything personal that would let someone know this is Chase’s room. The walls are beige, the comforter brown, and the wood on all the furniture a deep walnut. It’s kind of depressing and nothing like Chase.
I go to reach for my bag but Chase stops me.
“I always stay in the first room in the hall.”
Gently, his fingers touch my chin and pull my eyes to meet his. I can see all of the pain and confusion he’s carrying around and I flinch. “You promised me this week.”
“I’m trying,” I whisper. “You’re just asking too much from me.” Why in the world would he still want anything to do with me, I think. And so I ask him.
“Because you’re worth the fight.” My eyes widen and I feel his lips press against my forehead. I was certain after the last twenty-hours that he’d ditch me like a bad habit as soon as we got here. He should. I’m no good for him, really.
But as I look into his eyes and see everything he feels, I can’t tell him no. I can’t risk hurting him again in such a short amount of time. As much as I want to push Chase away, I don’t want to push him so far that he walks away forever. I just want things to go back to the way they used to be.
“Okay,” I quietly mutter and watch him head for the door. I stop him when he hits the doorway and he turns to me when I call his name. “Can you not tell Nic about my job? I don’t want her worrying about me.”
His head drops and he shakes his head back and forth before he turns to face me. “I will because you asked, but that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. You know the only thing she’s going to do is take you out, get you wasted, and listen to you bitch about everything.” He’s probably right, but she already looked worried about me and I don’t want to add to it on the week that she’s getting married. This is her week.
“I’ll tell her after the wedding,” I promise and then frown. “Why did Zack act surprised that you’re staying here?”
He shrugs. “Because marriage is making the man stupid. I don’t know.”
He’s lying. I can tell by the stiffness in his jaw and the way he’s trying to look relaxed but isn’t. I allow the lie. Lord knows I have enough of my own.
I’m relaxing on a chaise lounge chair in the back of the bridal boutique sipping on a mimosa. The attendants at the store are helping Nicole into her wedding dress, and I can’t wait to see it on her. She’s shown me pictures, and I know my own dress is similar, but I can’t wait to see how stunning she looks in the dress she’s chosen. It makes me a little bit sad that I had to miss helping her shop for a dress for her wedding to Zack. We’ve always done all this girly stuff together, even when she was married to Mark, but being so far away, I wasn’t able to get here. I was happy that Melody, Zack’s mom, and his sister, Sammy, could join her that day so she wasn’t doing it alone, but it still created an ache in my heart knowing that I wasn’t here for her.
I have completely and utterly missed my best friend and being around her now makes me realize how much I’ve desperately missed having her close by. I may always act like the one in charge and the one who’s got her shit together, but really I’m just as messed up as everyone else who’s trying to make a place for themselves in this overcrowded, overstressed universe.
Taking a sip of my mimosa, I try to clear my head, but my mind drifts to what Chase has said. Let me prove there’s more to us than just sex … I want you … Do you want to stay in New York … I think I might love you.
Just as my mind begins to head to the place I’ve sworn off limits for the week, I hear the rustling of workers coming back from the dressing rooms. Their plastic faces and whitened teeth smiles are genuinely smiling and excited for what I’m about to see.
I gasp audibly. My hand flies up to my mouth and happy alligator ugly tears fill my eyes, spilling over before I can stop them.
“Holy hell,” I mutter and stand from the chair, rushing over to Nicole.
I laugh when I see her tears mirror mine. We’re a mess of happy girlishness and I absolutely love it.
“You’re stunning,” I say as soon as I can find the words.
She wipes her eyes, brushing off the tears, and turns to face the set of three mirrors. I quickly grab a handful of tissues, handing some to her so we can wipe our eyes and see clearly. Her dress is pure white silk. So white and breathtaking I wonder if it was hand-spun. No machine could make such a beautiful silk dress. Was it hand sewn too? I fight my fashionista urge to run my hands over the dress, not wanting to crease or stain it.
“Is it okay?” she asks, her voice timid.
“I’ve never seen a more beautiful dress or bride, let me look at you.” I walk around to the front again, taking in the pearl
s that are gathered at the top of her one shoulder dress. They flow down and separate until it appears like they just disappear into the silk material as it moves from the strap over her right shoulder down to her left hip. The material is gathered there, and so perfectly fitted against her thin, lithe body that I can see every curve on her. The dress drops casually to the floor with just a hint of a train. It’s the most perfect, elegant dress for her wedding on the beach.
I’m lusting after my best friend and I don’t care. This is the most stunning I’ve ever seen her look.
“Say something,” Nicole whispers but I don’t. Instead, I walk over to the table where I waited for her, grab two mimosas, and bring them back. When she reaches out to take it, her hands are shaking slightly.
“There are no words. It’s perfect.” We clink the tip of our glasses together and then bust into a fit of silly giggles – yes, giggles – while we stare at her in the mirror.
“Zack’s going to pitch a tent when he sees you.” I wink at her and take another sip of my drink.
“You mean a fit?” she asks, a slight frown on her lips.
“No. I mean a tent in his pants, as soon as he sees you in this.”
We laugh again, and she wipes away an errant tear. “At least he’ll be ready for the honeymoon night then.”
She winks and we’re interrupted by voices behind us, calling my name.
I turn and smile just as I’m assaulted by a tiny little pixie whose personality is ten times larger than her petite body.
“Hey Sammy!” I wrap my arms around her and hug her. I don’t know Sammy incredibly well, but she’s always running around like she drinks cases of energy drinks daily. She’s the completely opposite of Zack’s laid back personality.
Melody meets us as well, and I hug her, offering up both of Zack’s other women drinks and then we go back to gawking at Nicole in the mirror.
“Beautiful, Nic. You’re going to look incredible this weekend.” Melody’s voice carries a slight awe-like twinge to it, but it’s a bit shaky. I look over and see her with tears in her eyes too. She must be so thrilled to finally see one of her children get married.