by Stacey Lynn
Without looking back at me, Zack’s smile widens and I watch him from the corner, scowling, as he talks to Nicole.
He brushes her hair behind her ear and I’m far enough away that I can’t hear what they’re saying, but I’m close enough where I’m able to see Nicole’s expression change from fear to one of peace.
I throw a nod in Zack’s direction, letting him know that I’m heading to my spot. I slip around another corner and wait for the cue from Scotty to tell me to get my ass on stage. The lights turn off and I head out and take my seat at my drum set. This is the place where everything else gets left behind. It’s the only place in my life where I’ve ever felt like I belonged to something or someone. Thoughts of Mia though are swirling through my mind like a tsunami wave, crashing down against my head and my chest.
I can play these songs in my sleep. I know it, but I still have to take one second before I start beating the bass drum with my foot, signaling the beginning of our first song to compose myself.
After a few seconds of deep breathing, which does nothing to calm the fear and the pain, I start tapping on the kick drum and watch as Nicole, Zack, Jake and Garrett head out onto the darkened stage to their stops. Zack walks Nicole to her keyboard, kissing her one more time and I almost want to throw up and screw the whole damn night.
Something is wrong with Mia and we should be there, not here. Why in the hell didn’t I say anything earlier?
Zack looks back at me one more time, and I start the drum solo, just as Zack grabs the microphone.
“Hello, Minneapolis!”
“I don’t mean to be a prick, man, but what in the hell is going on with you tonight? You screwed up two of your solos.”
I almost want to hit Jake just for pointing it out, but he’s right. I was off all night long, but only because I can’t stop thinking about Mia and wondering what in the hell is going on with her.
“I know, man.”
“Wanna tell me what in the hell it was about?” Zack asks as him and Nicole joins us in the hallway after the concert.
I don’t. I don’t want them knowing how much Mia really means to me when I’ve spent the last few weeks assuring everyone I’m fine and that there was never anything going on in the first place. Nicole’s the only one who knows I’m full of shit, but whatever.
I hate that Mia has lied to her. She wouldn’t do it without a good reason, and it’s the reason that terrifies the hell out of me.
“It’s about Mia,” I start and Nicole’s eyes widen.
“What?” she asks but just as I’m about to speak, her eyes get even wider and then a large smile fills her face. She’s not looking at me anymore; she’s looking behind me.
“Elijah!” She screams and pushes right past us and runs down the hallway. I turn around just as she throws herself into some guy’s arms, laughing.
“Elijah?” Zack asks, with a frown on his face.
“Don’t be jealous,” I say and bump his shoulder. “It’s Mia’s brother.”
I take off after her, the other guys following right behind me.
“Hey Elijah, I’m Chase.” I hold out my hand when he lets Nicole go and turns to me. He looks friendly enough but exhausted and really fucking concerned.
“Nice to finally meet you.” He shakes my hand and his eyes flash to Nicole.
She loses her excited look instantly. “What is it?” Her voice cracks, and Zack instantly moves to put a hand around her waist.
“It’s Mia.” And I swear to god with the way his voice sounds, his shoulders hunch over, and how he runs his hands through his hair, my heart drops to the fucking floor at my feet.
Nicole gasps and falls back into Zack. Yeah, she knows something isn’t right either.
“Where is she?” I bite out. I’m leaving right now and am going to find out what in the hell is wrong.
Elijah rubs the back of his neck and curses before raising his eyes, looking between Nicole and me. “Listen, she’d kill me if she knew I was here, but I was with her when you called earlier and heard what you said about the pass,” his eyes go to mine before turning to Nic. “She’s at my place.”
Nic looks like she might pass out. “What? She said she was in New York. Why isn’t she here?” Her voice is high-pitched and bordering on panicky by the time she’s done.
Elijah shakes his head. “She’s been here for a few weeks now.”
“But she said she had some project she was working on.”
“She lost her job before your wedding, Nic,” I say quietly, not wanting to freak her out any more than she already is. “And then when you were on your honeymoon she left L.A. saying she was coming here to deal with some family emergency.” I look at Elijah. “It’s not a family issue is it, it’s hers.”
“Why is she at your house?” Nicole demands, her little hands gripped into tight fists at her sides.
He swallows slowly, and suddenly I can see fear in his eyes and exhaustion wrapped all around the edges of his features. This man’s been through a lot lately.
“She’s having surgery tomorrow.” He runs his hands through his hair and bites the inside of his cheek. When he speaks, the words get caught in his throat. “They found a tumor.”
Nicole gasps. Zack lets out a string of curses. And I stand still – frozen to my spot.
There’s no way I heard him right. Flashbacks to our time on the beach when she told me about her mom almost dying assault me. This is what she’s always been afraid of and I let her go to deal with it on her own.
Someone always leaves, Chase.
I can hear her sad voice in my head as clear as I did the day on the beach.
And I did leave her. Or at least I let her walk away so easily it’s the same thing as leaving. Fuck!
“I need to see her,” Nicole says, and Zack is already reaching for his cell phone. She wiggles a finger back and forth between Elijah and me. “And you need to tell me what in the hell is going on. Both of you.”
Nicole’s glare pierces me with such intensity I think I could actually explode on the spot from the fire in her eyes.
“Come on.” She begins marching down the hall to her dressing room, assuming we’ll follow. We all do, too. Like ashamed little inmates on our way to our death sentences.
“Start talking. Now.” Nicole is standing with her backside resting against the counter in her dressing room while the rest of us just sit here watching her pace and mutter to herself while chugging a bottle of water.
I’ve never seen Nicole really pissed before, but she can get fired up. Not that I blame her. She’s scared as hell and pissed off – mostly likely at me. I think we’re all a little scared of her because none of us guys start talking.
Elijah finally clears his throat. “You know the history of cancer in our family, Nicole. She had a doctor’s appointment in New York a while ago that didn’t turn out so great.”
Nicole’s face pales a little bit more with every word Elijah speaks. I don’t think mine looks any better either as everything Mia said to me in L.A. starts making more sense.
“Why would she hide this from me?” Nicole asks, barely audible.
I shake my head and then crack my knuckles. “Because she’s Mia, and she refuses to let anyone help her. Fuck!”
I jump up and start pacing the room, the anger at being lied to and the fear of something being wrong with Mia, all presses down on me and all I can do is pace and fight the urge to hit someone.
“Who is she to you?”
My feet stop moving and I turn to Elijah. Who is she to me? Pfffftttt. She’s nothing because she refuses to be, but that’s only what she says. “Everything. She’s everything to me.” Elijah glares at me, challenging me in a way I only imagine a big brother can do, and then he nods once.
“What in the hell!?” All of us jump when Nicole throws her metal water bottle across the room. The sound of metal crashing into cement echoes throughout the room. “I’m her best friend! How can she not expect me to be there for her? And you!”
she yells again, turning to me. “You knew about her job and didn’t tell me? What the hell, Chase?!”
“I tried to get her to tell you in L.A.”
“You’ve known for over a month and you haven’t said anything to me!?”
“Nicole, love. You need to calm down a little bit.” Zack walks over to her, but she throws her hands up, breathing heavily. He doesn’t let it stop him though as he simply curls her into his arms and then onto his lap in the chair she used to get ready for the show, spinning it around so he’s facing the rest of us.
Zack lowers his head and whispers for her to calm down over and over until her breathing starts to slow down, but tears begin falling down her cheeks.
“I want to go see her,” she says quietly, and we all nod as she looks at Elijah. She hops off Zack’s lap disappearing behind the curtains in her dressing room.
“Darren has the car waiting for us,” Zack cuts in with a calm voice. I want to punch his face in. How can he be so calm right now? “And I’ve told Aaron we’re not going back to hang out with media tonight. We can deal with them later.”
“All right,” Nicole says, coming out from behind the dressing screens in a jean skirt and tank top. She snaps her fingers. “Let’s roll. Eli, you ride with us so you can tell me what’s going and why in the hell my best friend in the whole fucking world would keep this shit from me.”
Zack’s eyes widen. I think all of ours do. Nicole just said fuck, and if we weren’t so scared and pissed right now, I think we’d laugh. I’m not sure I’ve ever heard her swear like this.
It looks like Elijah opens his mouth to argue with her but he’s immediately skewered by the serious looks of four men and one pissed off Nicole, so he snaps it shut and nods slowly.
“I’ll follow you in your car if you want to give me your keys.” Garrett sticks out his hand, and Elijah drops his keys in them.
I hear the quiet footsteps and muted voices enter through Elijah’s front door and I know I have two choices. I can pretend to be asleep and wait for the fighting tomorrow, or I can pretend to be strong like my mom somehow thinks I am. Mostly I want to run. Again.
It’s not like I don’t know where Elijah took off to a few hours ago after he sat and listened to my entire conversation with Chase. Elijah left almost immediately afterward telling me he was going out with a friend. I wanted to call him on it. I wanted to tell him to just wait, and that I’ll tell Nicole everything in my own time. But I didn’t. Why? I don’t know. Maybe because I secretly need my best friend even if I’m too much of a coward to admit it.
When she opens the door, she freezes in the doorway. I smooth my hands across the covers draped over my lap to give my hands something to do. She simply looks at me, her hand on the door knob, still as a statue in the doorway. There’s a mixture of fear, anger, and confusion written all over her.
“I’m not sure whether I want to hit you or hug you,” she finally says and launches herself at me so I have no other choice but to hold her. She hits me hard enough that I grunt, but our arms wrap around each other.
I think she has successfully managed to do both at the same time.
“I’m really mad at you,” she says as our arms are clasped around each other. Tears begin spilling over from both of us simultaneously. “I’m so mad at you for not telling me what’s been going on, for lying to me, and I’m so sorry for being such a shitty friend that I totally forgot about your appointment.”
She chokes all this out between sobs, and guilt hits me in the chest with a force strong enough to knock the breath out of me. She feels like a shitty friend?
I say nothing because there’s nothing to say. I cry along with her until we’re both a soggy mess, and then she finally pulls back.
“Tell me everything.” She looks at me seriously, but I see the wariness in her eyes. I can only imagine the thoughts she’s had since Elijah found her.
“What did Eli say?”
She takes a deep breath and her chin trembles a little bit. “You’re having surgery tomorrow. How bad is it?”
That question is the same one I asked Dr. Gilbrath on my first appointment.
She sits across her desk from me. Her graying hair is cut into a short bob right at her chin. She has black framed bifocals perched on her nose and her smile is small, but tender. Her hands are clasped in front of her on her desk, resting on my file.
“You can beat this Mia.”
“How bad is it?”
She watches me for a second and then gives me one small head nod before opening my file. It’s something for her hands to do. I know she’s already memorized my results. “A two millimeter tumor in your right breast. Three smaller deposits in your left. One is concerning, indicating the potential of it being precancerous. The other two appear benign.”
“Treatment?” My body feels numb. I knew this was coming. At some point, this was going to happen to me.
She looks at me again, her head cocking slightly to the right. Is she wondering why I’m not crying? Why am I not shocked by this? She should know. I’ve prepared myself for this day since I was too young to wear a training bra. This has always been my destiny.
She purses her lips and opens her mouth to say something but seems to change her mind.
“Lumpectomy with radiation, or a double mastectomy …” She keeps talking, but I block everything else out after that. That’s the one question I already knew the answer to.
I shake my head, erasing the memory of the conversation and the way Dr. Gilbrath held my hand just a little bit longer when I left her office that day. She was trying to comfort me. I don’t envy her job at all.
“Mia?”
Nicole looks at me funny and I realize I’ve completely spaced her out. I totally forgot she has been sitting on my bed.
“Sorry,” I mutter and look down at my hands fidgeting on the edge of the bed sheet. “I’m having a double mastectomy tomorrow.”
A quiet sob leaves her throat and I squeeze my own eyes shut. “How bad is it?” she asks again, and I realize I never answered her first question.
“Tumor in my right. Possible precancerous ones in my left. I had the choice, but I just …” I look at her and understanding passes through her eyes. “I can’t choose radiation. Even if I did, there’s always the chance I’ll need to have the surgery anyway.”
We stare off at separate walls in silence before I register the sound of other voices in Elijah’s house. Male voices. Lots of them and one deep rumble that I’d recognize anywhere. Chase is here. Nicole catches me watching the closed door. A hundred thoughts race through my mind. He said he wouldn’t chase me, but he’s here. He’s downstairs and all I have to do is ask for him and he could be here in seconds. It’s what I want. Isn’t it?
“He’s been really upset.”
I turn to the sound of Nic’s soft voice. Her eyebrows are raised slightly and she appears hopeful. I bite the inside of my lip. “He’s probably really mad at me.” My mind flashes with all the lies I’ve told him and now he finally knows everything.
“He wants to see you.”
I want to see him, too. “I can’t,” I say, shaking my head. I pull my eyes from the doorway as if not looking at it can make him disappear. “I can’t be the woman he needs, Nic.”
“What the hell does that mean?”
I push my hair nervously behind my hair and wrap it up into a high messy ponytail, then let it fall down all over again.
“Even with the surgery it could still come back and then I have no options. I can’t do that to him. I can’t – won’t – have kids. Ever. I can’t promise him a life with me.”
“No one is ever promised anything,” she says softly, while running her fingers through my hair. “This isn’t what you ever wanted for yourself, but you can beat this and you can fight it again if it comes back. But being a martyr? This isn’t who you are, Mia.”
“I’m not being a martyr. It’s just … we’ve talked about this before. Someone always leaves and nothing l
asts. I won’t do that to him … knowing the outcome.”
“But you don’t know the outcome, you’re only envisioning the worst case scenario. I said it in L.A., but I’ll say it again.” She puts her hand on my cheek and pulls me toward her face so I can’t look anywhere besides her bright blue eyes. “He isn’t your dad. And you’re not your mom. He wants to be here for you. Why won’t you let him?”
Because I’m losing a part of me. It’s more than my chest they’re taking. A small part of me, even with my fear, always had hope that I could be the one to escape this. I could be the woman who makes this cancer skip a generation. But I was wrong and now I have no hope. It vanished with my scan and diagnosis.
“I don’t know,” I finally admit as fresh tears well in my eyes and spill over. Nicole says nothing. Instead, she climbs into my bed and pulls me to her. She holds me in her arms as we cry again, fearful of tomorrow. It’s how we spent many nights after Mark and Andrew died but now she’s the one holding me, comforting me.
The only downfall is, as good as it feels to finally be honest with her, her arms aren’t the one I want holding me. I’m just too much of a chicken shit to ask for him.
“By the way,” she says, her arms squeezing me tighter. “I’m really pissed you didn’t tell me about your job, too.”
I laugh through my tears. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want you worrying about me during your week.”
“Yeah, well, you’re an idiot. But I’ll yell at you for that one later. Chase told me about how he talked to Natasha. It’d be awesome to have you so close to me again.”
It’d be awesome for me, too. I called her back and gave her the same explanation of why I left L.A. as I did Chase. She seemed friendly on the phone and told me to call her back when I could and if she still had the opening, she’d love to talk to me.
I haven’t thought about it since.
We’re silent for a while and Nic’s arms loosen around me a little bit. I almost wonder if she’s fallen asleep when she quietly asks, “How big are your new fake boobs going to be?”