by Stacey Lynn
“Thank you,” she says, and rests her head back on the pillow. “I’m just glad it’s all over and he’s okay.”
“He is? There aren’t any problems?”
Chloe shakes her head. “He’s small … only five and a half pounds, but he’s breathing okay on his own. We’ll have to stay a few extra days to keep an eye on him since he was so early, but everything looks good.”
“He looks perfect.”
“I think so too.” Her voice carries that soft awe-like wonder that I’ve heard all new moms talk in. It’s beautiful.
Chase and I stay and talk for a while with the rest of the band. I answer questions about my health and Zack lets us know they’ve cancelled the rest of the tour. There were only four shows left and he’s promised to reschedule them once Garrett feels like he can leave Chloe and River.
Which makes me turn to Garrett. “You changed your mind about his name?”
He scoffs. “Have you ever seen a woman give birth? With all she went through and all the gory shit I saw, I’d let her name him whatever the hell she wants.”
I laugh. I have seen a woman give birth before. I was in the room with Nicole when she gave birth to Andrew so many years ago, and he’s right, it’s disgusting.
“How are you doing?” I ask Nicole, and her hands go to her stomach instinctively.
“Good. Almost passed the first trimester so I’m exhausted, but feel less like puking all the time.”
I wrap my arms around her and squeeze her as tight as I can before it hurts me. “I’m so happy for you. I really am.”
Tears fill my eyes because I’m happy for her, but I’m also really happy for me.
Chase’s lips brush against my ear. “Is it later yet? I know you’re really excited to see everyone, but we really need to finish what we started earlier.”
I turn to him with a questioning look. “You mean talking?”
He glances around the room. He’s nervous.
“Talking,” he confirms and then grins. “We’ll start with that.”
I roll my eyes.
As we’re saying our good-byes and promises to come visit tomorrow, I see Zack punch him in the arm. Chase is a big guy and there’s no way Zack can actually beat him up, but by the grimace he makes I can tell it hurts.
“I love you.” It comes out as a whisper. Both of our mouths drop open and his eyebrows fly to his forehead. He’s as shocked to hear it as I am to say it. I can’t believe it’s the first thing I tell him when we hit the parking lot by his truck.
I turn around and drop my head down on the hood of his trunk. In the last week since my family convinced me to tell him how I feel, this is not at all how I imagined it happening. I have a lacey pink nighty I bought for the entire plan. It began with seducing him and telling him in bed with candles all over his room. I wanted it to be perfect, but like so much else in my life, I totally screw it up.
I hear a loud burst of air and see his feet approaching me from my view of the concrete.
My body warms as his hand touches my neck, brushing my hair off my back and then tangling his fingers in it at the base of my neck. He massages the area but doesn’t move.
“You love me?”
I make a sound. It’s either a grunt or a snort. A gru-nort? Maybe. Possibly. I wish I wasn’t so romantically challenged.
“Look at me, Mia.”
He pulls me back firmly, but softly at the same time, so my eyes are set directly on his and his face is mere millimeters away from mine. “You love me?”
I nod. I can smell his cologne again and feel his breath against my lips. He’s breathing heavy and I can’t decide if he’s turned on or pissed off. Please be turned on. I want him. I’ve always wanted him and it’s only in the last few days that I’ve realized how much time I’ve wasted. I’m not about to let some nurse – some distraction – mess things up. He’s allowed a mistake, a lapse in judgment, when he’s given me so many.
His lips forcefully crash into mine. I smile at the fresh mint taste of him, but the only thing I can think of is: home. He is all I ever want and I respond instantly. My hands go to his back, and his hand tangled in my hair pulls me harder against him. I’m pushed against the side of his truck and I gasp, or moan, or make some noise. I don’t even know. It may not have come from me, but when he responds with a similar sound, I recognize it. Lust. Love. Passion. Fire. It’s all here between us getting ready to explode and I don’t even care that I’m being fondled like this in a hospital parking lot for all the sick to see. I need him and I want him. I don’t want to go another day or another second without him knowing.
He pulls away almost as abruptly as he started, and I’m left gasping for air.
“You love me.” I nod. “You’re not going to yell at me for the nurse?” I shake my head no and a smile begins to creep up at the edges of his lips. “Because you love me.”
“I love you, Chase.”
“Christ, you have no idea how beautiful that sounds coming from your lips. I love you. You know this right?” One eyebrow raises and his head tilts to the side a little bit. I can’t take my eyes away from the dark gray I see in his. His hand doesn’t leave my neck. I think I want it permanently tattooed to my skin.
“I know, Chase.” He kisses me again, but this time it’s softer and slower. It’s full of promise for what I will experience once we’re in private, in a bed, later. I might get use out of my pink nightie yet.
I pull back a few inches so I can see his smile. God I’ve missed this smile. He’s perfection.
It’s amazing the difference a few miles can make in the air in California. Standing on Chase’s deck just steps from the ocean, all I can see is a blue sky with bright white puffy clouds speckled throughout. The smell of the salty air is intoxicating.
We’ve been quiet ever since we left the hospital. I don’t know where to begin, and Chase has given me my space to figure it out. But it’s time, so I set down my bottle of water and turn to face him. He’s sitting in a lounge chair looking anything but relaxed.
I lean my backside against the railing and brace myself up with my hands on either side of me, holding on to the railing.
“My dad went to rehab.” I watch Chase pulls his eyebrows together. I take a deep breath and continue. I have to force this out. “I always thought my mom’s cancer is what turned him in to an alcoholic. That maybe he loved her so much he couldn’t cope once she got sick and he turned his back on Elijah and me. I thought that her being sick ruined him.” I pause, taking a sip of my drink. My pulse is fluttering out of control. “I’ve never wanted that to happen to someone else because of me.”
Chase shakes his head and opens his mouth to speak. It will probably be reassuring and loving.
“I was wrong,” I admit, with more strength than I currently feel. My legs feel like jelly and I’m thankful I have the railing to hold me up. “He was always an alcoholic. When he told me, I was shocked. With his confession, he sort of shattered my memory of having the perfect childhood with a perfect dad, but in reality, he was gone a lot. He went to rehab when Elijah and I were kids, and there were lots of nights he didn’t come home at all. My mom’s cancer didn’t break him – it revealed who he always was.”
“You won’t break me.”
The back of my eyes begin to burn with tears because this is exactly the fear that’s crippled me for so long. Now I realize how potentially foolish I’ve been for so many years.
“It just put a lot of things into perspective for me, and I learned a lot.”
Chase stands up slowly and takes a few steps toward me. His hands clasp the railing outside of my own and he looks down at me. “Like what?”
I swallow slowly, taking him in. God, he’s amazing. Incredibly hot, and his gray eyes show so much. His muscles ripple underneath his white t-shirt and it makes his skin look even more tanned. “Like maybe I’ve been stupid for being so afraid of loving someone.”
He shakes his head with barely a hint of a smile on his lips.
“You’re not stupid.”
“I’m not?”
“Uh-uh. If you would have realized this years ago, you would probably be married to some Minneapolis suburbanite and I never would have had the chance to meet you.” He leans down, pressing his forehead to mine. It’s the only place we’re touching, yet I can feel my body heat to the tips of my toes. “And then I would have had to spend the rest of my life as a lonely old man. You realize that you’re the first person I’ve ever loved, the only person I’ve ever wanted to love, right?”
“Chase …” The rest of my words slip from my mind as his hands move to my waist. I forget everything. He makes me forget every fear, every concern, and every thought except just how much I love him.
His lips touch mine, softly brushing back and forth over my lips. My body bursts into flames.
His hands come up, cupping my face reverently in his hands. “I love you, Mia.”
And with those four words, I’m completely swept away. I can see his love for me radiating in his eyes and in the small smile on his lips. I kiss him. My lips press against his and I may have started the kiss, but Chase instantly controls it. He controls me, pulling me flush against his body, and then pressing me back against the railing on his deck. Our hands move slowly over each other’s bodies, reminding ourselves of how we feel – not like I could forget. I’ve been dreaming of Chase every night since I sent him away after my surgery.
A breath catches in my throat as his hands softly touch the edges of my breasts. It doesn’t hurt, but it reminds me there’s still so much to say. I pull back from our kiss. Chase frowns.
“I have scars,” I say nervously. “My body … it’s not the same anymore.”
“Did I hurt you?” His hands are still on the sides of my chest and he looks at them with a worried expression.
“No. I’m still sore and I’m not fully healed, but you didn’t hurt me.”
“I will never hurt you, Mia.”
“I know.” And I do. I’m sure of it with every fiber of my being. “There’s something else you need to know.” He lifts an eyebrow, waiting. “I won’t have kids. I can’t … I just can’t take that risk of having a girl.”
His lips move in a funny way for a second before he nods. And then he smiles. “I just want you.”
The wind blows and I catch a hint of something stale. It makes me laugh.
“You really stink.” Chase does that manly sniff-smell thing in his armpit and grimaces. “Gross,” I say, laughing.
“Wash me. And let me see you, every part of you.”
I bite my bottom lip nervously. He’ll see everything eventually, but still I’m scared. My skin is stretched and marked and even though I’ve been repaired, it’s not perfect. I’m still not used to seeing the angry marks that line my skin on the edges of my breasts and underneath. And they feel different now. It’s not an easy thing to get used to. Or to see.
“Mia,” he says and with my name on his lips my nerves begin to disappear. “I don’t love you because of your body. Let me see you.”
Chase steps into the shower first as I begin slowly undressing. I blush, watching his incredible naked body move smoothly and gracefully across the shower floor and turn away from him when he smiles at me as I unbutton my shorts and let them drop to the floor. The only thing I hear is the pounding of the water on the tile floor and the beating of my heart in my ears. I drop my panties and then lift my arms to remove my shirt.
It hurts. My sides hurt when I lift them above my head like this. I know the pain will eventually go away, but the scars will remain. I have scars that stretch half way across my breasts, underneath them, and on the sides from the biopsies I’ve had done. It’s messy and not pretty.
“Turn around and face me.” I hear Chase’s deep voice and my body freezes as I drop my shirt to the floor.
I’ve been wearing sports bras since my surgery and it’s not sexy at all. I can’t help but be afraid of what he’s going to think of me. How will this change how he sees me?
Regardless, I listen to him. I push away all of my doubts and trust that he’s told me the truth – that he will never hurt me. I believe him, and so I turn around.
Apprehension covers me and my hands shake as I undo the back clasp on my bra. Chase is standing fully on display in the shower. His hands are on his hips and the water is beating at his back as steam begins to fill the space of his shower. He looks like a Greek God who just walked out of the clouds.
I swallow and then undo my bra, letting the straps fall to my wrists before I shake it to the floor. With timid steps, I walk toward him, pulled to him as if an invisible string connects us to one another. This is Chase. He loves me and he won’t hurt me.
“I want to wash away every place that girl touched you earlier,” I say as I step in front of him. My hands immediately go to his wrists so he can’t reach out and touch me. I’m not ready yet, and the longer I keep the focus off me, the better.
He nods and hands me his sponge and soap. I begin slowly, memorizing every muscle on his body. I wash him along every crevice in between the muscles, the fingers of my free hand trailing behind his sponge, feeling him. He is fully erect and proudly on display in front of me. He is filled with confidence in front of me and I peek up at him as I drop to my knees in front of him, washing his legs, even though I know whoever was over here earlier didn’t touch him there. His eyes are no longer gray but almost completely black and his breath comes out in short, quick spurts. I smile knowingly, and pause, slowly kissing the tip of him, and run my tongue along the underside of him. He is simply perfect. Everywhere.
His hands move to my shoulders and pull me up. “When I make love to you, it’s going to be in my bed, not here. Not yet.” He grins wickedly and pulls the sponge from my hands and turns me so my back is facing him. He washes my hair, and just as slowly as I washed him, he returns the favor, softly brushing the cloth against my skin. I shiver as he kisses my back in between my shoulder blades, and continues down, stopping his kisses right at the small of my back.
He turns me around so I’m facing him and he starts at my feet, slowly washing me, worshipping every inch of my body and allowing the area I’m most nervous about to be seen last. He kisses my belly button and rests his head against my stomach, his hands gripping my hips.
“You’re absolutely exquisite. Every inch of you, Mia.”
I nod as he looks at me, daring me to believe him.
When he reaches my breasts, he drops the soap and the sponge and simply holds me on my hips. He doesn’t touch me, he just looks. Sadness creeps across his eyes before changing to something I don’t understand.
Without taking his eyes off of mine, he kisses every scar. His lips touch every place of my body that has been marred and forever changed. Tears fill my eyes and spill over as he lavishes his love all over the most painful parts of me, and it’s not just physical. Every mark is a reminder of the pain and fear that I’ve carried for so long. As he continues to kiss me, moving slowly up my neck, I feel him washing it all away.
There is no more room for pain and fear. For the first time in my life I feel hope.
“Exquisite,” he says as he reaches my lips and presses them against me. My lips part instantly, accepting him and bringing him closer to me. With one hand wrapped around my waist, he turns the water off and carries me out of the shower. Our lips never break apart as he grabs a towel from the counter and wraps it around me from behind.
He sets me on the counter, wraps a towel around his waist, and then dries me off.
Without saying a word, I’m carried to his large bed and set directly in the middle after he pulls back the covers.
He crawls over me, bracing himself up so he doesn’t put any pressure on me.
“You are the strongest woman I know, Mia. Your scars are signs of your strength and everything you’ve had to overcome. Without them, you’d still be afraid. But you’re here now, and I don’t want you to leave.”
I don’t want to leave either
. Ever. Tears fall from my eyes and he wipes them away with his thumb.
“Can you do this?” he asks, and I know what he’s asking.
I grin. “That part was never hurt. Make love to me?”
“My pleasure.”
He enters me slowly, and oh my God … my pleasure, indeed. I feel every inch of him, slowly pressing against my most sensitive areas, and I almost fall over the edge instantly.
And then we’re a tangle of slowly roaming hands that ignite every nerve-ending in my body. Chase’s lips trail a path from my lips to my jaw and down to my neck before slowly moving down to my breasts. Our bodies move in perfect unison, connected in the most intimate areas as we rock together, slowly taking our time. He gives me everything he has and I take it all, knowing that I’ve already given him the one thing I never thought I would lose. My heart.
This man has it completely. I have no doubt that he’ll treasure it. That he’ll treasure me.
My eyes can’t move away from Chase’s as I fall deeper and deeper in love with this man who never truly gave up on me.
We hit our peak together, our eyes locked on one another. I hope he can see how much he means to me, how much I love him, because I’m too far gone to speak.
As our breath slows down, Chase slowly rolls off me, pulling me with him so we’re face to face, his hand cupping my jaw. I love when he does this. With one simple gesture, he makes me feel completely protected and safe. Secure. It’s a wonderful feeling.
“You know that I’m never letting you go.”
I turn my head and kiss his palm before smiling softly. “There’s nowhere else I want to be.”
He kisses me and pulls back, serious. “I mean it. I want you here. To move in with me and live here. Make a life together – just you and me.”
I roll him over so that I’m straddling his waist. My knees squeeze his hips and my hands grip his shoulders. My head falls down and my hair brushes against his chest. I smile as I see his abdomen muscles tighten and a low groan escapes his mouth.