“He tried to take me from behind,” Siùsan raised one eyebrow and gave Callum a pointed look. She just could not bring herself to say aloud how Robert wanted to violate her. “I fought him off and grabbed one of ma dirks. I sliced the side of his prick and only angered him even further. He tossed me onto the bed and was about to rape me when James burst in. He began yelling at Robert who only became angrier. It came out that both kenned ye had come, so they made it a point for me to see yer men in the bailey and that nay person would hear me yell even if I tried. I kept fighting them. They pinned me down and felt around to see if I had any other dirks hidden. They found the one in ma other boot, but they didna find the one in ma skirts. James said the only way to be sure I didna have any other knives on me was to strip me bare. They kept arguing about Robert trying to take me from James and how James wouldnae be in the picture if Robert hadnae arranged for his escape. The angrier they became, the more they touched me and the more aroused they became.”
Callum knew this to be similar to battle lust, but he did not interrupt Siùsan.
Siùsan walked over to the arrow slit and peered out. The stars twinkled over head. There was little movement outside the curtain wall, but there was a swarm of men now in the bailey. She tried to see more clearly who was there, but it was far too dark to be able to see plaids. She assumed they were Sinclairs. Callum walked up behind her and gently wrapped his arms around her. She leaned back against him and sighed.
“Ye dinna need to tell me anymore. I think I ken what happened next. I just give thanks to God that I arrived when I did.”
Siùsan closed her eyes and breathed in the unique scent that was Callum’s alone. The mix of pine, and a little sweat and horses. She felt a sense of calm that she had not had since the moment she had been ripped from Callum’s arms. She did not even realize that tears were leaking from her eyes until one landed on Callum’s arm and he reached up to wipe them away. He gently turned her to face him.
“What makes ye cry, leannan?”
“There is more than what ye saw. They made me--How can ye still want me when another man has--,” Siùsan sobbed.
Callum pulled her close and stroked her head. He did not know what to do next. He had been so relieved to know that she had not been raped, that he had gotten to her in time, that he had not thought about what might have happened before. Now he was not so sure that he had rescued his wife in time after all. He desperately wanted to ask what she had not told him yet, but he did not want to push too hard. So he just waited.
Siùsan slowly calmed again and the tear stopped flowing. She sniffed and leaned against Callum’s chest. She ran her hands over his bare chest and then leaned back to give him a gentle kiss. Callum suddenly had a sense that Siùsan was saying good-bye.
“They may nae have raped me, but they did make me touch them.” Callum had to strain to hear Siùsan as it came out as barely a whisper. He had to stop himself from breathing a sigh of relief. She would not look at him and tried to step away from him. Callum refused to let go. He did not want her to feel trapped, but he was not about to let her walk away.
“They didna hurt ye in any other way?”
Siùsan shook her head.
“Wasnae that enough?” She looked up at him with eyes that showed the depth of her anguish.
“I didna mean it that way. I ken now what they did to ye. I just want ye to understand that this doesnae change anything between us. Ye didna do it by choice. Ye didna want to do it. What would have happened if ye had refused?” He ran his finger from her temple down to her chin lightly grazing the bruises that covered her face. “They would have only beaten ye more or tried to rape ye sooner.”
“Ye arenae upset to hear that I touched another mon? Ye dinna think I’m a whore? Because I do!” This time when she pulled away, Callum let her go. He ran a hand through his hair and scrubbed his face with both hands.
“Siùsan, I dinna think any of that aboot ye. I havenae thought it and would never think that. Ye are ma wife because I love ye and ye love me. Ye wouldnae have married me if ye didna ken I love ye. That isnae going to change because two mad men kidnapped and then violated ye. Damn it, Siùsan! Ye wouldnae be in this position if it hadnae been for ma self centered choices that I made over and over. If I hadnae taken up with Elizabeth, she wouldnae have been around to help them. Their plan never would have taken root. If I hadnae made ye feel like ye had to run from me, we wouldnae been attacked by the James Gunn. If I had protected ye properly, ye never would have been snatched from me while I snored. Dinna ye see? Ye didna do any of this. Ye survived as best ye could. If anyone is to blame, it’s me. I did this to ye!”
Siùsan did not know what to say. She saw the same anguish on Callum’s face that she felt. She shook her head and walked back to him. She wrapped her arms around his waist and waited until he lifted his arms to hug her back.
“I already told ye that I dinna blame ye for this, and that all is forgiven,” Siùsan said.
“And I have told ye the same. Ye arenae to blame. Ye didna do aught that needs forgiving.” Callum held his breath waiting for her response.
“I just canna believe that any mon would want a wife who was whored out to other men.”
“I dinna see it that way. Ye arenae a whore. Elizabeth, who throws herself at any mon she thinks will help her gain more, is a whore. I dinna care a whit about whether ye stroked two men if it kept ye from being beaten, raped, or killed!” Callum cupped Siùsan’s face in his hands and kissed her passionately. He backed her against the wall and pulled Tavish’s leine over her head. He pulled his belt from his waist and let his plaid fall to the floor. Siùsan’s hands roamed over his body and down his sides. Her hands found the grooves on the sides of his buttocks that she loved so much. She held onto him as he lifted one of her legs to his hip.
“I am going to make love to ma wife now. I want naught but to show ye how much I love ye. I willna ever turn from ye. I willna ever let ye hide from me. We are bound together, and we will go through life as partners.”
Callum pressed gently into her. Siùsan moaned as she felt his long, thick sword slide into her sheath. She had been so afraid that he would reject her once he knew what she had been forced to do. She had not completely let go of her guilt, and she knew that Callum had not let go of his, but she could not think of a better man to spend her life with or a better way for them to start to heal. She desperately wanted to show Callum how much she loved him and how grateful she was that he rescued her. However, he stilled. He also feared that he was rushing her.
“Lass, ye arenae doing this because ye think I expect it or that ye have to thank me for coming to ye, are ye?” Callum’s heart sank when he thought that she might make love to him out of obligation rather than want.
“I dinna do this because I feel obligated or that I owe it to ye. I want to make love to ye because I love ye and thought I might never see ye again. I want to feel us joined as one again. This is where we belong. With us in each other’s arms.”
Callum and Siùsan kissed again. Their tongues dueled with one another. She had a moment of doubt that doing this would make him think of what she had been forced to do with Robert and James. As Siùsan gently sucked Calllum’s into her mouth, Callum groaned and thrust into her faster. Their passion rose quickly and crested fast. They were left out of breath and panting. Callum once again lowered himself to the ground and settled Siùsan on his lap. He handed her Tavish’s leine and he pulled his plaid around them. He smattered small kisses across her forehead as they both tried to catch their breath. They looked into each other’s eyes and knew that things would be right between them. They sat quietly, simply enjoying their time alone together, but it did not last nearly long enough.
Chapter Thirty-Two
The shouts warned them that people were on the way and the heavy thudding of boots on the stairs barely gave them enough time to right their scant pieces of clothing. Callum pulled Siùsan up and moved her behind him. He picked up his forgotten
sword and positioned himself in front of the door. They had no way of knowing if these were friends or foes. The voices were nearly outside the door before they could clearly make out what was being said.
“Callum! Where the bluidy hell is ma granddaughter?”
“Where’s ma daughter? What have ye done to her. I’ll kill ye if ye harm her!”
“Callum! Siùsan! Get dressed!” The last coming from Tavish before two almighty roars were heard.
“Trust Tavish to improve the situation,” Callum grumbled. He eased his stance but still used his large frame to block Siùsan from the two men who sounded like they wanted his head.
The door swung open on its broken hinges. In the doorway stood two out of breath older men and one gloating younger brother. Everyone stood and stared at one another for a moment before Laird Mackenzie and Laird MacLeod launched into a tirade of questions. Siùsan stepped around Callum who tried to pull her back behind him. She gave him a quelling look and took his hand. She interlaced her fingers with his and gave her father and grandfather a pointed look.
“I’m fine, as ye can see. I didna come to any real harm—”
“Nae harm! This one dragged two dead bodies into ma bailey and two knocked out guardsmen!” Laird Mackenzie bellowed as he jerked a thumb over his shoulder to indicate Tavish.
Siùsan took a slow breath and tried to relax her shoulders. Her father had an unparalleled ability to rile her.
“As I was aboot to say, nae harm because Callum got here in time. I was mostly left alone for the near sennight I was here.”
“Sennight? Ye were hidden here for an entire sennight?” The Mackenzie seemed to deflate in front of them all. He seemed to age a decade before their eyes. His shoulders stooped, and his head dropped. “I didna ken. I didna ken.” He kept whispering.
Siùsan gritted her teeth but showed no emotion to her father because she truly felt none. She thought she would feel anger, hurt, or resentment. She even thought she would feel hate. There was just nothing.
“Siùsan, ye have to believe that I wouldnae let them keep ye locked up in here. I wouldnae ever let either of them touch ye if I’d kenned.” Laird Mackenzie’s words fell flat to Siùsan. She stared at him as though she had never seen him before and certainly not as though he was her father. She felt completely blank when looking at him.
“I believe ye, Father. I believe ye didna ken and ye wouldnae have condoned them taking me. After all, ye would have worried that you’d lost ma meager dowry for naught and the Sinclairs might demand recompense.” While there was no bite to her words, Laird Mackenzie jerked back as though she had slapped him.
“Nay! That isnae so. I dinna care about the money. I have been a failure as a father to ye, but I never wished anyone to abuse ye.”
At that, Siùsan gave an unladylike snort.
“Ye may nae have wanted any mon to rape me but ye certainly never cared if I was abused. Yer neglect was abuse. Yer wife’s treatment of me when I was only ten summers old was abuse. There was nae other child in this keep who was made to regularly scrub the privvies. There was nae other child in this keep who was forced to sleep in a storeroom throughout the year with naught but one thin blanket. Nae even a candle. There was nae other child who was sent away from meals with nae food simply because her parents couldnae stand the sight of her.”
Laird Mackenzie’s shocked look could not have been faked. He was truly stunned by what Siùsan just shared.
“Those things couldnae have happened to ye.”
“Aye. Each one and for years. Perhaps ye should speak to yer lady wife more often. Ye might ken what happens in this keep when ye’re off playing laird.”
Now there was bite to Siùsan’s words. Years of pent up anger and hurt threatened to pour forth. Callum wrapped his arm around Siùsan’s shoulders and pulled her closer. Through this all, Laird MacLeod stood silently. His face just kept growing redder.
“Ye hate me,” Laird Mackenzie sounded resigned.
“Nae. I dinna hate ye. I dinna feel anything for ye anymore. I dinna consider maself to be a Mackenzie anymore. I dinna wish anyone harm or foul. I just dinna care.”
“Ye piece of shite! I care! Ye lied to me about the death of ma only granddaughter who came from ma only daughter. Ye neglected and mistreated her for her entire life. Thank the blessed Jesu that she married a mon who loves her and cares for her. That was the only damn thing ye’ve done right in her entire life.” Before Laird Mackenzie could think about moving, two large hamhocks for fists flew at his face. One landed squarely and broke his nose while the other blackened his eye. “I could and would have taken her. I would have raised her among people who would have wanted and appreciated her. Yer stole from yer daughter and ye stole from me. This willna be easily forgiven.”
Laird Mackenzie held his plaid to his nose to try to staunch the bleeding and looked completely at a loss as to what to say or do next. He knew he was a defeated man.
Laird MacLeod stepped forward tentatively and now seemed shy when smiling at Siùsan.
“Ye look just like her. Ye’re the spitting image of yer mother, ma daughter, Rose. I canna believe it. It’s like looking at her again. I didna ever think I would.”
A tear ran down the MacLeod’s cheek. He held out a hand and waited to see if Siùsan would take it. She stepped away from Callum and wrapped her arms around Thormud. It took but one heartbeat before he embraced his granddaughter.
“Ah, lass. Ye even smell like yer mother.”
“Grandda,” Siùsan sighed. Besides Callum and Laird Sinclair, she had never felt so safe as she did in her grandfather’s embrace. She nestled her face against his broad chest and smelled his rather grandfatherly scent which included a lingering scent of whisky. “I was trying to visit ye. Ma husband was taking me to ye.”
“I ken. I’m so vera happy to ken ye wanted to meet me. So vera happy.”
They embraced for several more minutes before pulling apart.
“Grandda, what are ye doing here?”
“Yer husband came to me for help. Needless to say, it came as quite a shock to learn that not only did I have a granddaughter I’d never heard of but that she was married and had been kidnapped, too. Callum and his brothers worked out that ye had been brought here. He needed more men to accompany him. I wasnae ever quite resolved with the death of Rose. While Callum and Tavish came up here to find ye, yer father and I had a little fireside chat.” He glowered at Laird Mackenzie. “I canna make up for all the years ye lost being here, but I would gladly have ye with ma clan anytime ye want, lass.”
Here was the invitation that Callum had feared. He knew how much Siùsan wanted a family that loved her and wanted her. He just prayed that she realized that she already had that with the Sinclairs. He held his breath as he waited for her reply.
“Grandda, I am so happy to hear that. I hope that we can visit ye and ye can visit us every year. I dinna want too much time to go between our visits either. If it’s alright with ye, and with Callum, I would like to travel back to MacLeod lands and meet ma mother’s kin. We just canna stay over long. Callum has already been away for over a fortnight. His father will worry, and we have responsibilities at home.”
Callum released the breath that he had only just realized he was holding. She thinks of Sinclair lands as home. She doesnae want to leave me. Callum’s greatest fear was finally and completely laid to rest.
Siùsan turned and walked back to Callum. She looked up at him with the unspoken question in her eyes.
“Of course, we will visit yer kin, and they are always welcome in our home.”
“Our home,” Siùsan whispered and smiled.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Siùsan and Callum made their way below stairs after one othe maids brought her one of her old kirtles. Callum insisted on carrying her the entire way. He reasoned that she was exhausted and had not been fed enough to sustain her. He did not want to have come so far just to lose her because she tumbled down the stairs. Siùsan easily r
elented as she was just as Callum described but more honestly, she knew that they both longed to be in constant contact with one another. She did not want to be out of reach from him and he refused to let her go. They were both perfectly content to let Callum carry her while she wrapped her arms around his neck and rested her head on his shoulder. She silently marveled at the breadth of Callum’s shoulders and the weight of the responsibility that he already had on them and that he would one day inherit.
When they arrived in the Great Hall, they were met with silence. All eyes were suddenly on them and everyone stopped what they were doing to stare. Siùsan immediately wanted to shrink into Callum from humiliation. She had planned never to return to this keep and she wanted nothing more than to leave as soon as possible.
Her father had already made his way down and was seated on the dais with a large mug of what looked to be ale but Siùsan knew was more likely whisky. He looked haggered. Beside him sat Siùsan’s stepmother, Lady Elizabeth. While she was not smiling, there was certainly a sense of glee when she saw Siùsan’s condition.
“Why daughter, if only we had kenned yer current circumstances. We would have certainly assisted.” Callum stiffened as Lady Elizabeth’s comment neglected to state who she would have assisted, just as she intended from her gloating expression.
Siùsan was used to Lady Elizabeth’s barbed comments and chose to not respond. She did not even look in the woman’s direction. Instead she looked around at all those who were gathered in the Great Hall. These were people she had known her entire life and had chosen to ignore her. She tried to come up with something to say. There was just nothing left to give to them, not even antipathy. Instead it was simply apathy.
I always thought that the opposite of love was hate. That if I ever got away from here, I would hate ma father and Lady Elizabeth and all of those who made ma life so difficult. But I realize now that the oppositie of love is indifference.
His Bonnie Highland Temptation (The Clan Sinclair Book 2) Page 25