“I’ll stay in the car,” Dad said when I turned off the engine.
Maybe that was a good idea. He did look and smell like a bum. “Okay,” I agreed. “You stay here with Toby. What do you want to eat?”
He looked like I’d asked him what flavor poison he preferred. “Not hungry.”
“Not hungry? But Dad, when’s the last time you ate?”
He ignored me, dropping his head to focus on petting Toby. Whatever. I jumped out of the truck and slammed the door behind me. He wasn’t making this easy.
Daisy looked up when I walked in. “You’re back.” She smiled. “How was the Stonehenge?”
I plastered a smile on my face. “Cool.”
“Did you run into any trouble with those hippies?”
Only one of them. “Nope. They were harmless.”
She nodded. “Good.” She looked out the door toward my truck. “Is that your dad out there? Why don’t you tell him to come inside?”
I pretended to look for something in my bag. “He’s tired. We’ll just take our food to go.” I ordered two club sandwiches and sat on a stool to wait. My appetite had returned with a vengeance.
This rescue mission wasn’t going as planned. Once I found Dad he was supposed to take charge. Even though his postcards had been worrisome, I’d still convinced myself that once he saw me, live and in person, everything would fall into place. He’d snap out of his fog, and Tri Ty would take over. But instead I’d found someone who barely resembled the dad I knew. He was in no condition to take charge of anything. I shredded a napkin while I waited for our food. I couldn’t wait to get home. To see everyone.
Everyone but J.J.
Daisy plunked a bag down in front of me. Her siren red lips shot a puff of air toward her bangs. “You want drinks? Pie?”
Pie. Dad loved pie. His favorite was coconut cream, which Mom made for him on his birthday. “Do you have coconut cream?” I asked.
Daisy grinned. “Must be your lucky day, doll. Just made one yesterday and I still have a few slices left. You want two?”
“Just one please.”
The cold air blasted me in the face when I went back to the truck. I banished Toby to the truck bed while we ate. I hated leaving him in the cold but it wouldn’t be for long.
Dad took a bite of pie. “Delicious,” he said. He glanced at me and smiled. It was quick, but it was still a smile. My heart pinged.
“It’ll be so great to get home,” I said.
Dad stared at the sandwich in his lap. He hadn’t even unwrapped it. “Home,” he whispered.
“Home,” I echoed. I didn’t dare tell him it was a different home now. We’d deal with that soon enough. He stared out the window again, looking like a caged animal.
“Mom will be so glad to see you. We’ve been so worried.” I choked out the last word. I was determined not to cry, but it was like trying not to breathe.
Dad turned to face me. He looked feverish, his eyes burning with emotion. “I am so sorry, Darcy. I caused so much pain. Terrible failure. Failed at everything.” He spat the words at me as if they tasted bitter.
“No!” I exclaimed. “You’re not a failure. You just…just needed a break. Everything will be…better when you come home. You can figure it out…” I took a deep breath, unsure if I should tell him everything.
He was blinking very fast. “No. Can’t do that. No. It’s over.”
“Over? What’s over?” My body flooded with adrenaline.
“Me. I’m over.” He stared at me, as if willing me to read his mind, to understand all the thoughts he couldn’t seem to voice.
It was like all the stress and fear of the past few months exploded, and suddenly I was sobbing. All the strength and adrenaline that had fueled me faded away. I was six years old again, begging my dad to fix everything. I choked the words out between the tears.
“Dad. We’ve been…lost without you. Mom completely fell apart. She was drunk almost every night. She had a job selling real estate, but it blew up in her face.”
His eyes brimmed with tears but he didn’t speak.
“But she’s better now. She stopped drinking. She doesn’t have a job but I know she’ll find one. And we have some money now, from the estate sale, and I’m working in this coffee shop, thanks to Uncle Charlie and—”
“Charlie?” Dad’s voice was sharp.
“Yes, Charlie. He’s been the most stable person in my life since you left. He’s amazing—”
Dad put up his hand. “I don’t want to hear any more.”
My jaw unhinged. “You what?”
His eyes were angry slits. “I do not want to hear another word. Damn it, Darcy. Why did you have to find me? Why can’t you just let me go?”
Let him go? What was he saying? “But you need us! And we need you. You can’t just leave us, throw us away like garbage. We’re your family. You can’t just walk away.”
“You’ll be fine. J.J. will take care of you. He promised me.”
Hadn’t he heard anything I said? “Dad, J.J. is not taking care of us. I know you probably haven’t heard any news in forever, but he says you made some really bad investment decisions.” I grabbed his hands, focusing on his eyes that so reminded me of Charlie’s. “Dad, Harvest is bankrupt. Laying off all its employees.” I swiped away tears. “We had to move. The board took our house.”
Something flickered in his eyes. Was I finally breaking through his cloud of confusion?
“I don’t believe it. J.J. wouldn’t do that. We had a deal.”
I dropped his hands. “I can prove it.” I grabbed my phone from my pocket and pulled up the internet browser. He had to face reality, had to snap out of it. Tri Ty had to come back. “Tyler Covington missing,” I typed. There were so many links to choose from. I clicked the top link and handed my phone to Dad.
I glanced in the window of the diner as Dad’s fingers flew over my screen as he read. His breath came in short gasps. “No,” he whispered to himself. It was like he’d forgotten I was there. “No.”
He looked at me, his eyes wild. He dropped the phone and threw open the truck door. He jumped out and took off running down the dark road. Toby leaped over the side of the truck, pausing only briefly before racing after Dad.
“Dad, wait!” I yelled. “Damn it.” I jumped out of the truck, but my jacket caught on the ancient window handle. I wrenched free of it, oblivious to the cold as I ran. Dad was a dark blur ahead of me. I didn’t know he could run that fast. Toby ran after him, a smaller blur running as fast as I’d ever seen him go.
“Toby! Heel!” As if he would stop. Running was what he lived for. As far as he knew, this was a game, chasing Dad and being chased by me.
Headlights swerved around a corner, blinding me, bouncing up and down as the driver hit a dip in the road. Where were Dad and Toby? I’d lost sight of them in the glare of the headlights.
A ferocious squeal of tires and brakes froze me in place.
Chapter Thirty-Six
“Run,” I told myself, so I did, as fast as I could through the snow-packed streets.
A car had spun out in the middle of the road. The driver stood in the road looking confused.
“What happened?” I was breathless and frantic as I stopped next to him.
He turned to me, his face worried. “I’m not sure. I was driving and suddenly this guy appeared out of nowhere, right in front of me.” He swallowed. “If I hadn’t swerved, I would’ve hit him for sure.”
“Did you see a dog?”
He looked at me, his eyes still wide with anxiety. “A dog? No. Just the man.”
“Which way did he run?”
“That way.” He pointed toward the highway.
Crap. I took off, fear making me run like the wind.
There was no traffic where the road met the entrance ramp to the highway. “Dad!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. “Toby!” Soft whimpering met my ears. Toby. Oh God. I turned toward the so
und.
“Toby? Toby!”
The whimpering grew louder. I ran down an embankment next to the highway. Dad lay on the ground not moving. Toby lay next to him, licking him, whimpering and scared. I sank down next to them.
Crap, crap, crap.
“Are you hurt? Dad, what happened?”
He rolled over and looked up at me. “Not hurt.” He closed his eyes. “Leave me, Darcy. Just leave me here. Take the dog and go.”
Like a match thrown into kerosene, my fear morphed, roaring into a raging fire of anger. “God damn you! No, I will not leave you here. I just found you! Who the hell do you think you are? Do you have any idea what we’ve…been through…” Sobs racked my body again. Toby scooted next to me and licked the tears from my face. I grabbed him and pulled him close.
“You are coming home. With me. Now. Don’t you dare move. I’m going to get the truck.” I stood up and pointed at Toby. “Stay, Toby. Don’t move.” I glared at Dad. “You either.”
I ran as fast as I could back to the truck and drove like I was possessed back to the highway entrance. I pulled off onto the shoulder and ran down the embankment. Neither of them had moved.
“Come on.” I leaned down and tugged on Dad’s arm. Toby nudged him, whimpering.
He struggled to a sitting position. “Christ, you don’t give up, do you?” He looked up at me, scowling.
“Got it from you. Come on. Mom’s waiting.”
He dropped his eyes. “I can’t face her.”
“You can and you will.” I tugged harder. Finally, he staggered to his feet. I pulled his arm around my shoulders and had a vision of Lucas helping my mom stagger through our house.
“One step at a time. The truck’s at the top of the hill.”
We climbed slowly, not speaking. Toby panted with anxiety, running back and forth from us to the truck. Once we were settled into the truck, I turned to face him. “Don’t think of trying that again. I’m not even stopping to let you pee, Dad. We’re going straight home.”
He closed his eyes and leaned back against the seat, saying nothing. Toby collapsed across his lap again as we drove.
“It’s a lie, Darcy. All of it.” Dad’s voice startled me after miles of silence.
“What are you talking about?”
“Harvest. My big inspirational story, my brush with death. It never happened.”
My hands shook on the steering wheel. I turned to look at him. His eyes met mine. They pooled with tears, but they were focused. He looked like my dad again.
“It was J.J.’s idea to…to pump up the story. I was sick, but we always knew I’d recover. Death was never breathing down my neck. But it made a better story.”
I slowed the truck to fifty miles an hour. It took all my energy to drive and listen to him at the same time.
“J.J. said it didn’t matter as long as people were still inspired by the Harvest message, and it helped them.” Dad cried quietly next to me, then he spoke again. “It was last summer. June maybe? I can’t remember. I went to the children’s hospital in Omaha, after my show there. The director was in the audience. He called, asking me to visit some of the kids.”
Toby shifted in Dad’s lap. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Dad’s grip tighten around Toby as he rubbed his ears. It was like watching myself when I was scared.
“So I went,” Dad continued. “The director took me on a tour.” Dad’s voice caught. He choked out the next words between sobs. “I’d done hospital visits before. But something was different this time. There was this little girl…” His voice trailed away, then he looked at me. His voice was a whisper. “She reminded me of you. Something about her eyes.”
I swallowed, not daring to interrupt him.
“He…he…told…those kids that I’d been where they had. That I’d almost died. But that I’d made it.” Sobs racked his body. “He told them to…to listen to me.” His whole body heaved next to me. “But when I…when I was supposed to talk…I couldn’t…couldn’t think of anything to say. I couldn’t tell any more lies.”
I eased the car onto the shoulder of the road and turned on the hazard lights so no one would crash into us in the dark.
“Dad.” I reached out to touch him, but he pushed me away.
“Don’t you see, Darcy?” His face contorted in fury, in shame. “It was a lie. Here I was standing in front of these kids who were really sick. Some of them had actual brushes with death. Most of them were on chemo. Like the girl who reminded me of you.” He stopped, taking deep breaths to compose himself.
My mind reeled with what he’d told me, but I knew I had to reassure him and keep him calm. He was like a rubber band stretched to the point of breaking and I was terrified of what would happen if he snapped.
“But Dad,” I whispered. “Your Harvest message…it’s still true. It still helps people.”
Dad spoke so softly I had to strain to hear him. “All these years, I told myself it didn’t matter. I let myself believe J.J. even though deep down I knew I should come clean.” His hands rested on Toby. “I’m a fraud, Darcy. Harvest deserves to fail.” He looked at me. “But I didn’t want you and your mom to be part of my failure. Last summer…I tried to explain to J.J. that I wanted to quit, retire, whatever. I couldn’t do it anymore. But he wouldn’t hear of it.” His body shuddered. “He told me to follow my own advice and keep pushing. Never give up.” He turned to stare out the window. “J.J. was supposed to take care of you. He promised.”
My pulse thudded in my ears. “J.J. knew? He knew why you left?” All this time he’d known and hadn’t told us? He’d watched us agonize over Dad’s disappearance. He’d read some of the postcards but hadn’t told us what they really meant? He’d watched Mom fall apart. All this time, he knew.
Dad spoke again. “I thought maybe I could figure out a way to tell the truth, but still keep Harvest going. That’s why I left. To be by myself and work it out.”
I stared into the night, watching the red glow of fading tail lights pass us. I had to keep Dad calm until we got home.
“Harvest helped me, Dad.”
He shifted in his seat to look at me. I turned to meet his eyes. He didn’t speak.
“I’m not just saying that.” I leaned against the back of my seat and closed my eyes. “I used to hate it, you know. All your platitudes about planting crops and reaping what we sow.”
“I know,” he whispered.
I opened my eyes and took his hands, no longer smooth and manicured but rough and chapped. “But the thing is, you were right. We can’t just sit around waiting for someone to save us, or fix everything. We have to do it ourselves.” I thought of Charlie. And Liz. And Lucas. “But other people can help, too.” I took a breath. “I heard your voice, Dad. All the time. When I talked to the board. When I applied for my job, and got it.” And when I’d told Mom she had to get help with her drinking. And so many other times these past months I’d been guided by his wisdom without even realizing it. “I think people will still listen to you, Dad. If you want them to.”
Tears rolled down his cheeks and fell onto Toby’s fur. “I don’t know what I want, Darcy.”
I let go of his hands, placing them gently on Toby. “Don’t you want to go home? To see Mom?”
He didn’t answer, so I started the truck and eased back onto the highway. I glanced at the gas gauge, knowing I’d have to stop at some point to fill up. What would I do then, chain Dad to the steering wheel?
We drove in silence. Eventually my hands stopped shaking. My emotions fluctuated wildly. I wanted to kill J.J. but at the same time I never wanted to see him again.
All I wanted was peace in my life. I didn’t care where we lived or what job Mom could scrounge up or if Dad worked in a 7-Eleven for the rest of his life. I just wanted to come home at the end of the day and find them there, laughing and talking like they used to. I wanted Dad to be strong again. I wanted Mom to stop crying, to stop worrying. To let go of the past.
Dad had been asleep for almost an hour when his scream shattered the night. I nearly drove off the highway as terror sliced through me.
“Dad, what is it?” My eyes darted from his face to the road. He jerked straight up, his face a mask of terror.
Toby jumped off his lap, whining nervously.
Dad banged his head against the back of the seat as sobs racked his body. “Can’t do it. Can’t do it. Can’t.” He reached for the door handle.
“No!” I screamed and steered the car off to the shoulder of the highway, cars blaring their horns at me. The truck shuddered to a stop on the gravel. Dad looked at me and I didn’t know who he was anymore. The lucidity from earlier was gone, replaced by a stranger. A terrified, broken stranger.
My hands trembled as I pulled my cell from my pocket and dialed 911. I couldn’t do this by myself anymore.
My rescue mission was over.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
The ambulance siren wailed as we flew down the highway. I sat on the bench next to the EMT, holding Dad’s limp, sedated hand. The sheriff’s car led us, lights and sirens clearing the traffic out of the way, with Toby in the backseat.
The EMT was kind. “Do you want me to call someone to meet us at the hospital?”
“No.” My voice wobbled. “I’ll do it.” The sheriff had wanted to call Mom himself, but I’d insisted that I do it. If a sheriff had called her, she’d have keeled right over. Or started drinking again.
“Please don’t say his name over the emergency radio,” I’d begged the sheriff. I couldn’t handle reporters showing up at the hospital.
“You really need your mother,” he’d insisted. “You’re a minor, technically. I don’t want to call social services. You’ve been through enough. I can see that.”
“She’ll come, I swear she will. I’ll call her from the ambulance.”
My phone shook in my trembling hands as I tried to balance on the bench seat as we flew down the highway. I decided to call Charlie, since he’d be calmer than Mom.
How (Not) to Fall in Love Page 27