by Tammy Bench
Why are your fingers moving?
1.43am
Thank you. You have my number now – so let’s not be strangers x
Tears ran down her face. Circumstance and loyalty didn’t allow her to say any more than that. She deleted the messages and all trace of their secret communication.
Then,
1.45am
We could never be strangers, Alice.
She smiled. He was still going to push and despite it all being impossible she loved that he tried.
1.46am
You’re right. We couldn’t.
Send.
1.48am
Alice, please see me again before I go home? I can’t leave it like this, I won’t.
She sighed. God, she wanted to see him again. But that was because she was sat in a kitchen that wasn’t hers. The children dreaming in their beds weren’t hers. The man snoring upstairs wasn’t hers. If she were with Hayley and Stuart right now would she really be thinking of meeting up with Tom for round two?
No chance. This was make-believe. Tonight was crazy and she had felt like a teenager again. Tomorrow she would see her child and Mr Chambers would be a distant memory, as much as that fact hurt her.
1.52am
Tom, I heard what you said tonight very clearly. You said you were going to try and get me back. How can I meet you again knowing that? It would be too weird. I’m sorry.
Three minutes ticked by.
1.56am
I never was any good at keeping my mouth shut. I shouldn’t have said anything.
But I can’t take it back. I meant it. I can’t begin to tell you the way I felt when I turned round and you were there tonight… it was incredible.
I felt like I was that guy again.
That fourteen years had just slipped away, like a coin, they fell down the sides of the sofa that separated us. I would have grabbed you then and there if you hadn’t backed away.
Baby, there is no way I can pretend that I don’t feel for you – I always have. I just wish I could say this to you face to face.
I don’t want to wreck your head or your life. But I can’t go the rest of my life knowing that I fucking walked away from you again, no man would do that, and I certainly won’t.
And there I go again – not keeping my mouth shut. I could delete all my ramblings before I send this message to you, but as you already know, I won’t x
Oh Tom. Don’t do this to me.
Alice finished her tea and flicked the kettle on again.
The blood coursed through her veins a little faster and her skin felt the nip in the air a little sharper. Every time he spoke it made her feel like this, and reading his words felt as good as hearing him say them to her and if it’s possible they pushed a little deeper. But meeting him again was as good as cheating, she knew that.
2.07am
What do you want Tom? Just tell me straight? What do you hope to gain from us seeing each other again? It will just complicate things further.
She sent the message.
2.09am
To talk more I suppose. I don’t know… just for this not to be it.
Alice scowled at her phone. Talk? No, that’s not what he wants. She started typing, not really understanding why she was angry suddenly.
2.11am
Do you expect me to leave my husband? Drop everything and come running back into your arms?
Or do you just want to have some sort of ‘for old time’s sake’ sex?
When I saw you, I’m not going to lie, I felt something, but that’s natural. I loved you more than my own life for years.
But that was then and this is now. Why should we prolong the inevitable parting? And do more to hurt each other in the process.
Should she send this? Probably not, but it had the questions she needed answering. She shouldn’t be bending like this. She shouldn’t be entertaining his fraternisation. Moments later her phone beeped. His answer:
2.16am
Okay, this is the truth. I want you anyway I can get you.
You’re not naive and impressionable anymore and I think I can be honest. I want to see you again. What we do is up to you? I will happily sit on my hands, tied to a chair and just talk with you, if that’s all you want?
If it’s prolonging the inevitable and going to hurt me, I’ll take my chances.
As for your question about sex, the answer is I would kill to fuck you again, but not for anything as pathetic as old time’s sake.
Leave your husband? That’s not going to happen and we both know it.
Run into my arms? Nothing ever sounded so good x
Arousal charged at her like a Spartan army, effectively moving as one unit to conquer their enemy. First taking hold of her head and torso, then filtering down her arms and legs. Her brain, that she had been trying to keep firmly in check up until now, pretty much told her to piss off, as it jumped head first into a vision of Tom pushing her against the car and taking it so much further than he had.
He had said he wanted to sleep with her… No, he had said fuck her and that made it ten times worse. He was being himself, the version of him that wasn’t censored or scared, that just said what he thought and didn’t apologise for it.
She held her phone. She was writing before her head could catch up and before she could stop herself it was too late.
Send.
2.18am
I’ll think about it. No pressure. No expectations. No sex.
She had just stepped over the line. She was deceiving her husband for the thrill of being around Tom again and it had shamelessly taken less than three hours. All he had to do was say he wanted to see her again and she was falling over herself to accommodate him? What the hell was the matter with her?
Twenty seconds later.
2.19am
Absolutely. Tell me when and where?
Here, now, whenever you say…
2.21am
I’ll be in touch. Night Tom x
She needed out of this conversation. Anymore of it and her half-drunk self would be actually typing these disgusting thoughts.
2.22am
Goodnight, Alice x
PREPARATIONS
Monday 2nd August
Alice handed Hayley the third bag of shopping that seemed reasonably light from the open boot. It was full to bursting with her mother’s list of ‘just a few bits while you’re there’.
‘Oh this one’s quite heavy. Do you think you can carry it to Nannie in the kitchen?’ Alice joked, pretending to struggle with the carrier bag.
‘Mummy, you’re so silly. Even daddy could carry this one,’ Hayley rolled her eyes and stomped off to the front door.
‘Yeah Mummy, you’re so silly,’ Stuart mimicked, grabbing her waist playfully.
Alice didn’t think she flinched. It wasn’t a flinch? It felt more like an unnoticeable recoil. He didn’t seem to notice anyway. But Alice had.
She frowned.
She didn’t feel any differently towards her husband. She loved him as much as ever. The events of the weekend hadn’t tarnished those precious things. But her body, just then, had reacted of its own accord. Had it pulled back from her lover’s touch?
They walked into the house and deposited the shopping in the kitchen.
Alice’s mind raced.
‘Are you still having a drink with Anthony tonight?’ she asked. Anthony was Stephanie’s husband. He and Stuart got on well, both having a love of all things sport.
‘Yes, if you’re cool with it? We were thinking of having a knock around on the courts first.’
Sport…
‘That’s fine, Stu. Mum’s taking Hayley out to the cinema later and I said I might catch up with Emily tonight. So whatever works? But be careful I think Tony’s been working out. Steph says he’s been doing that Insanity DVD thing?!’ she smiled and raised her eyebrows.
‘He’s no match for me – not on the tennis court,’ Stuart laughed.
Alice headed upstairs ‘I’m going t
o have a quick bath,’ she leaned over the bannister and shouted, ‘Hayley, no more chocolate buttons. You’ve already had a packet, and Mum don’t you give in to her!’
She looked at herself in the mirror as the hot water filled the tub. Her lips trembled a little. Was she really going to do this?
She picked up her phone.
Why did that sound like the stupidest question ever? When all she could tell herself was how could she not do this?
She needed to see him again.
She had thought of little else for the past thirty-six hours. Her fingers were twitching every time she held her phone but she had tried to wait as long as she could. She needed this feeling to go away. Her head was full of Tom and now her body was acting strangely towards Stuart, none of it was right.
Closure had to come. She had to talk about what happened between them in past, she had to have the answers that had haunted her and she had to once and for all tell him goodbye, or he would always be the third person in her marriage.
However good it felt to know he still had feelings for her, however much it massaged her ego to know that he wanted her, it had to mean more to have the chance to put it to bed.
3.25pm
Tom, I can see you tonight. Can you make it?
Alice turned off the hot tap and started running some cold. Her phone announced his answer just moments later.
3.27pm
Yes. Do you want to come here again? I’m assuming you don’t want to be seen?
Alice nodded.
3.30pm
No, I don’t. Will Neil mind?
3.32pm
Probably, but I’ll try and smooth him over.
3.33pm
Irish charm?
3.35pm
Something like that. About 8pm?
Really doing this then?
3.39pm
Perfect x
There seemed little else to say. It felt like a guilty woman’s last attempt to remain proper and somewhat formal. To make arrangements as if he were just a fellow frazzled mum needing a Starbucks and some adult company.
Alice sank into the bath. She grabbed the razor and started shaving her legs. Even the routine removal of unwanted body hair felt like she was committing adultery.
She wasn’t going to sleep with him – so what was the big deal? She was absolutely one hundred percent sure on that. Talking wasn’t cheating and she was telling only a small lie to protect Stuart’s feelings about where she was going tonight.
A nervous shiver ran over her body – just thinking about Tom in that way made her feel irrational. She could close her eyes and pretty much pretend that she was a girl again getting ready to meet him.
It was just like the way it used to be, a secret, illicit meeting between a teacher and student. A place where she knew she would get to see the most amazingly beautiful man. He would be naked and real. He would kiss her, undress her and then lay her down and hopefully forget she was delicate, young and inexperienced. She would pray he would give her everything she needed without worrying about the consequences.
That was the past.
Alice dunked her head under the hot water.
She thought about a line that Tinker Bell said in one of Hayley’s movies Hook, “You know that place between sleep and awake, where you can still remember dreaming? That’s where I’ll always love you, Peter Pan. That’s where I’ll be waiting…” That’s where Tom was to her, that’s where she had been waiting – without ever acknowledging it – she had been waiting all this time to see him again.
You’re going to end this tonight and not make it worse.
Was she? Her brain let itself play devil’s advocate for a moment, flirting with the idea of Tom and slowly excitement replaced nerves and it danced over her face and shoulders mixing with the warm water that surrounded her. Thinking about what he had said to her was scary but clearly not enough to send her running from him. It was pulling her towards him if anything.
But she was not going to sleep with him. It wasn’t an option. She wasn’t going to be the woman that falls before the man that broke her heart. She was grown up Alice now and fully in control of her own fate.
RED SKY AT NIGHT
Monday 2nd August
‘Neil, it’s nearly eight, you said you’d go out,’ Tom was begging now, he had been asking nicely all afternoon.
Alice was coming here tonight. He couldn’t quite get his head to believe it. Neil on the other hand believed it just fine and was disgusted with the whole set up. Tom had assured him nothing funny was going on. He had shown him the text that had said ‘No sex’ but he still wasn’t happy.
‘I will answer the door when she gets here,’ he stated getting madder.
‘What do you hope to gain from opening the door and being here?’ Tom snapped a little harsher than he had intended.
‘Nothing really, I just want to.’
‘You drive me fucking crazy. Why am I the bad guy in this?’ Tom asked checking his hair quickly in the living room mirror.
‘You’re not. But I know you Tom and you know how she felt about you,’ Neil got up and closed the window. It was August but there had definitely been a chill in the air the last few nights and it felt like an early autumn was coming their way.
Tom bristled at his use of the word ‘felt’ in past tense.
‘I won’t push her,’ Tom promised.
Keep calm.
‘You don’t know how not to push her, Tom.’
‘I’m not going to fuck up this time. Please mate…’
‘Screw it! Alright, alright I’m gone,’ Neil threw his hands up in surrender and Tom smiled.
‘Thank you – I love you,’ he winked at him.
‘Sick. Why am I getting so wound up anyway? If you get laid, we all have a quieter life.’
Tom couldn’t even entertain the idea of anything like that happening. If he did, then he would go into tonight with that on his mind and it would only cloud and influence everything he said and did. His sole focus would be on getting her into bed. As good as that sounded, he knew he couldn’t play it like that.
‘Good luck,’ Neil held out his hand and Tom shook it.
‘You’re still the best Neil and don’t you dare let anyone tell you differently,’ Tom slapped him on the shoulder and laughed sarcastically.
‘Call me when the coast is clear. I’ll be at a friend’s,’ Neil winked, ‘watching DVD’s,’ he nudged Tom in the ribs.
Tom shook his head ‘another booty call?’
‘Says the man entertaining his old flame who so obviously wants you to fuck her one last time,’ Neil grabbed his coat and car keys.
‘She doesn’t. She just wants to talk about stuff that happened I think?’ Tom assured him.
‘Well you keep telling yourself that when she’s laid out beneath you and you’re reliving your school girl fantasy.’
Tom’s jaw clenched and he stared at Neil hard.
‘Okay sorry – touchy subject!’ Neil almost went on, but stopped, ‘see you later.’
‘Yeah,’ Tom slammed the door shut and breathed deeply.
Tonight was theirs. Only two people could determine how this would go – Alice and himself.
Would she even turn up?
Was he even ready?
Tom straightened his shirt and for one of the few times in his life he found himself worrying about what she saw when she looked at him. He was older now – and he felt it. Yes, he had kept himself fit. People said he didn’t look his age and woman still seemed to find him attractive. But Alice hadn’t really changed. She had aged in a way, but not in a way that meant anything, she was still just as she was when they had been together.
It didn’t really matter he supposed. Tonight wasn’t as Neil had insisted. It wasn’t a ‘date’ of any sorts. He had to put all thoughts of romance, sex and seducing her in a box and concentrate on just being around her again.
Time ticked by.
At half past eight Tom picked up his phone. Sh
e still hadn’t arrived and he had received no message. He knew he couldn’t text her. He just had to wait.
He was jumpy now. Not for the thought of seeing her. But the chance she might not come.
Tom walked to the kitchen and grabbed a cold beer from the fridge. He had resisted up until now but he really needed something to do with his hands.
His phone beeped.
8.34pm
Tom, I’ve been outside in my car for the last twenty-five minutes… I don’t know about this???
Tom slung his bottle on the side and sprinted to the front door, nearly knocking over Neil’s hat-stand in the process.
The evening was still quite bright, but chilly, the red sky promising a warmer morning to come. Tom was hit by a memory of childhood as he stepped outside.
He remembered the evenings he would walk on Brittas Bay with his father. The beautiful powdery sand dunes would sparkle and wink at him in the distance. The sky was very much like this one, it enchanted a young boy’s imagination as his father told him tales of brave Irish knights fighting dragons and pirates that were intent on taking control of their wondrous isle.
He missed his dad. He had died five years ago leaving Tom and his family broken. He had a heart that beat for his kin. He was the best man Tom had ever known and at times like this, when a moment hits him, Tom wondered if he would ever be at peace with the fact that his father was gone?
He jogged to the end of the driveway and looked right, then left. Her car was parked a few feet away and the engine was running.
Tom breathed in and out slowly as he walked towards the car he half expected her to see him and speed off.
When he reached the window she was already looking out at him. A shy half-smile on her face told him she was scared. He smiled back and shrugged his shoulders. She turned away from him casting her gaze to the steering wheel and then out of the windscreen.