by Tammy Bench
‘Stuart,’ she said in surprise and her father tightened his grip on her arm for support.
‘Hayley’s still asleep. But I’ve been in to kiss her. I’m leaving, I’m going back home on my own. I’m not staying here a minute longer, I just can’t look at you right now,’ and he didn’t look at her, instead he pulled the glasses over his eyes that were angry and surrounded by thick red circles.
‘We need to talk,’ she grabbed his arm as he tried to walk past her.
‘We don’t need to talk, Alice. The facts are this, I love you and you’ve cheated on me. You were too gutless to tell me even when I confronted you about it,’ his voice broke.
Her dad moved away from them and into the garden.
‘…and worse than that,’ he continued, ‘it seems that it’s not just fucking around. I think this guy is obsessed with you and you with him. It’s too much for me to comprehend at the moment.’
‘Don’t go like this. I need to explain to you why it’s the way it is. I love you… you’re my husband, my best friend…’
‘Maybe that’s the problem?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘No excitement for you with me anymore is there?’ he snapped.
‘This is not about excitement Stuart, I wish it were.’
‘Whatever Alice… just answer me honestly though, was it just this week or have you been screwing him for years?’
‘Just these last few days, of course I haven’t been doing this any longer than that. I couldn’t lie to you. I was going to tell you when we got home.’
‘Do you really think there hasn’t been many times when I wanted to cheat or had the chance to cheat? But I have more respect for you than that,’ he snapped.
‘When?’ she whispered.
‘Don’t you dare have the cheek to ask me that after everything you’ve done,’ he pointed at her harshly, ‘two things before I go,’ he paused and drew breath, ‘one, that guy is crazy, he’s dangerous and I don’t want him to have anything to do with my daughter. Two, don’t come home till you know what you’re doing. I don’t want to talk until I know that you and he are done. If you stay with him then all respect I ever had for you will be gone.’
‘Please stay and talk this out with me, I need you to stay,’ she was crying again. She could feel his body on the edge of falling to pieces, she knew him so well and she thought if she touched him right now that he would either kill her where she stood or he would beg her not to leave him.
‘I’m not going to make this easy for you. You made your bed and you got fucking laid in it. You think about it all when I’m gone, and make your own fucking choices without depending on me to do it for you. Shit, Alice, if I didn’t love you so much I would spit on you right now,’ a tear fell onto his cheek and escaped from under his dark glasses.
She heard her dad cough twice, a not so subtle warning that he was still listening from beyond the gate.
‘Sorry, Max,’ Stuart shouted sombrely.
‘That’s alright, boy,’ her dad called back.
Her husband was leaving. She had successfully ruined everyone’s life.
‘What about Hayley?’
‘I told you she’s asleep, she’s fine, don’t wake her till morning. Just say I had to go home for work or something and I’ll see her soon,’ he walked past her and made a noise like he was trying to supress his anger or pain.
‘Stuart,’ she begged.
‘I’ll leave the booster seat here.’
‘Okay,’ she sighed, ‘okay.’
She never imagined that leaving, be it her or him would feel like this. She had been ready to end their marriage but had never fully considered how it would happen and what it would look like.
He turned back to her then, ‘I knew you know, I knew when I first met you that a day like this might come. I was never what you wanted, a pretty good substitute maybe, but I never ticked all the boxes on the list he left you with, did I?’
He was right, she could deny it but he knew what he had said was close to the mark.
‘You ticked an awful lot of boxes of your own, Stuart.’
‘Bye, Alice,’ he turned and beeped the car door open, ‘Call and let me know what’s going on.’
‘Of course,’ she wiped her eyes, ‘I love you.’
He waved her away with his hand to leave him be. But she stepped closer.
‘It was never about us,’ she half shouted as he put is bag in the boot.
‘Maybe it should have been,’ he opened the back door and removed Hayley’s seat and handed it to her.
‘I know,’ she nodded.
‘Do you have money?’ he was still being her husband. Considerate, caring and the man she married.
‘Yes, we’ll be fine. I’m so sorry Stuart, I’m…’ she said again.
‘I’ll see ya,’ he got inside and started the engine and started backing off the driveway.
‘Bye.’
Her stomach retched and she suddenly felt freezing cold, she was crying again but she probably hadn’t ever stopped. She was going to throw up. She ran towards the gate and pushed it open. Past her dad who started calling after her and into the downstairs cloakroom. She made it just in time.
Her husband had gone. Tom had gone. She didn’t know what the hell her life was anymore and in the morning Hayley would get to witness her mother lie to her over and over again in a bid to protect her from the pain that had been caused by her own supposedly nurturing and loving hands.
CUTTING TIES
Saturday 7th August
‘Bleeding from the ear isn’t normal, Tom, I told you, you have to go to the hospital,’ Neil walked into Tom’s bedroom a little past midnight with his laptop and flopped heavily onto the bed, ‘I’ve been googling it.’
‘It’s just a bit of blood, it’s nothing,’ Tom carried on packing his clothes into his holdall.
‘Is it watery blood or clear fluid coming out?’ Neil looked worried.
‘It’s stopped now anyway and no, it was just blood, blood.’
‘It could be a cerebral compression and that’s life-threatening. Or it could be a skull fracture?’ he consulted his computer again, ‘any dizziness or nausea?’
‘No. The guy isn’t fucking Thor I don’t think one lucky punch is going to cause a skull fracture,’ Tom didn’t want to get angry with his friend and he was doing his very best to keep it together and not make the situation ten times worse by pressing his self-destruct button.
Neil looked at the whiskey bottle on the bedside table, ‘and that isn’t going to do you any favours if you do get rushed in – they may not be able to operate.’
Tom shot him a look that said, enough.
‘Just saying,’ he mumbled under his breath.
‘I know you mean well and you care about me and I love you for that, but really I just need to be on my own right now,’ he smiled a tight smile and picked up his tumbler.
‘Okay just tell me what she said after you tried to choke her husband? Was it a definite no?’ Neil asked carefully.
‘Neil just listen to your question again and ask yourself if you really need to confirm if it was a definite no or not? She told me to go.’
‘But he was being a cock, and he hit you first. What were you supposed to do?’
‘What you would have done, been the better man. He hit first, but I was fucking his wife! Shit, I should have shown her that I was worthy of her, that I had grown up. That I wasn’t just a thug carefully disguised as a head teacher,’ he shook his head, ‘what was I thinking?’ he said to himself.
‘You can’t change who you are.’
‘I think that’s the point.’
‘What time are we leaving in the morning? Are you going to call her before you go?’ he asked.
‘Let’s just get to the airport early. No, I’m not calling – she has enough to think about putting her life back together and if she’s working things through with him then that’s the last thing she’ll want me to do. Like you said
I fucked her life up once. Unfortunately, this is twice and I’m not about to make it a hat-trick,’ he swigged his drink aggressively and slammed the glass back down.
Neil flinched, ‘top up?’ he smiled sheepishly.
Tom smiled back and shook his head, ‘no man, you never know I might need that surgery.’
Neil laughed and pulled his body off the bed lazily, ‘I’m going to turn in, if you need to shout at someone later… don’t bother waking me up, just take it out on the Xbox.’
‘Good plan,’ Tom smiled sadly.
‘And when I say take it out, I mean play on it, not smash it to bits.’
‘Understood,’ he saluted him, but could really have done with a hug. But how do you ask a guy mate for a hug without it sounding pussy?
‘Night.’
Tom watched the best man he knew leave the room and the moment he closed the door behind him Tom sank onto the bed. He grabbed the bottle and poured another drink.
He wasn’t surprised that it had ended like this. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t shocked by his calmness, that he wasn’t crying or punching holes in things. He guessed because it had felt like a dream being with her again, that now the waking up part didn’t feel real either.
He was sorry though. Sorry that he had brought it to her door like that. He had acted on impulse as he always did and this time he had got it wrong, sadly at her expense.
She wasn’t going to call him.
He wasn’t going to see her again.
Don’t let that thought in…
Tom flung his head back on the pillow and instantly regretted it as the pain ricocheted around his skull, a bit like brain freeze after an ice lolly, but much worse.
He was convinced now that this week had been, for her, just something she had to do.
Bullshit.
Given the chance and being slightly bullied she had repeated history with him and now it was over. As with all unsavoury deception there was a price and they had both paid it.
She was a married woman and a mother. She would save what she could from the dust that settled and regret the rest.
Please baby, don’t regret us…
That’s what she had to do.
He would go home. Home to his little slice of the world and start over.
Bullshit.
He had done it before. Could he do it now? He was too old for screwing around and drink no longer held the appeal it used to. He had to remember he had children also, that they were more precious than his life. He would go home and pretend nothing had happened here. Pretend nothing had broken his heart… nothing had broken his soul and he would make damn sure nothing ever would again.
And that’s what he had to do.
Fuck that, as if he could pretend that he didn’t love her still and that his heart wasn’t ripping into tiny pieces. His body might be calm now, he wasn’t throwing punches and running round like a frantic dickhead. But his brain was pumping his veins full of old memories and the frail hopes he had dreamed of for their future. Those thoughts, this brain, would be a constant and unwelcome cell mate for the life sentence of pain and loss he had just been handed down.
He didn’t get up again as he had planned to. He didn’t want to sleep. He wanted to pack his stuff and brood over his actions. But he had closed his eyes and at some point drifted into a fitful slumber.
He dreamt of her face beneath his own, bending his head and kissing the end of her nose gently. The dream was them as their younger selves. Back then it had felt like they were up against so many barriers. But in truth the only barrier had been himself. As older people they were free from stigma to do as they pleased, but it seemed now they faced more hurdles than ever before. He dreamed of the time when he could have kept her forever simply by claiming her as his.
When he woke hours later it was pitch black, someone had turned his light off and thrown a blanket over him.
Neil.
He thought he had heard his alarm going off and that was what had pulled him from lazy stagnation, but now he was fully awake he heard nothing. He reached clumsily for his phone, he hadn’t even set the alarm and he needed it for the morning. He pressed the round button and the room was illuminated by the bright glow, he squinted a little, quickly trying to adjust to the sudden light change.
1 missed call – Alice. He blinked again and re-read his screen. 1 missed call – Alice.
Fuck, that’s what had stirred him. He sat bolt upright and rubbed his hand over his face. He was still fully dressed, absent his boots and he pulled the blanket back swiftly. He grabbed the glass and finished what was left in the bottom, but his mouth felt like a toilet.
He checked the call time, three minutes ago. He pressed call back and waited.
The phone rang twice and then she answered.
‘Tom?’ she was quiet.
‘Are you okay? What’s wrong?’ he went straight into saviour mode again and cursed himself silently.
‘I’m fine, nothing’s wrong. Well obviously not nothing but you know what I mean.’
‘Okay,’ he didn’t know what to say, ‘I’m sorry I missed your call.’
‘Sorry I rang so late – you were probably sleeping?’
‘I wasn’t,’ he lied.
‘Good.’
‘What did you want?’ fuck that sounded rude like he didn’t want to talk to her, ‘I mean what…’
‘Its fine Tom, I know. I just had to talk to you and explain about everything. I’m so sorry I couldn’t stop you from coming over. I’m sorry you got hurt the way you did,’ she sounded like she was holding back a great deal of emotion and he wondered if her husband was there.
‘I didn’t get hurt, I’m fine,’ he answered quickly. If she didn’t count the possible head injury that is, he heard Neil say in his mind.
‘Are you sure?’
‘Positive.’
‘Thank you for walking away and not making it so much worse.’
Why was she being so calm about this?
‘Is he with you?’ Tom’s voice came out hard. He didn’t want to be anybody’s floor show if the guy was sitting next to her putting words in her mouth.
‘No.’
‘Are you lying?’
‘No, he left ten minutes after you did. He’s gone home to leave me to think about everything. I wouldn’t call you if he told me to. I’m not a puppet and I wouldn’t treat you like that,’ she sighed and the line went silent.
‘Sorry, baby,’ he caught himself quickly, ‘I mean sorry, Alice.’
He heard a sniff and a muffled sob.
‘I know your leaving tomorrow and everything’s different now, but I just needed to hear your voice and make sure that you were okay, that you hadn’t done anything silly?’
‘I wanted to call you too but thought you would tell me to die or something?’
‘I’d never do that.’
‘Maybe you should have? Then maybe your world wouldn’t be upside down because of my failure to keep my mouth shut,’ he pulled at his hair.
‘Tom, we did this, not just you alone. Why do you always insist on taking the blame for every questionable choice I make?’
He flipped on his bedside lamp and pulled his shoes towards his feet, ‘because I never want to see hurt in your eyes whether you’re mine or not.’
He thought he sensed her sad smile.
‘That’s so you.’
‘Where are you? Still at your dad’s?’ he asked tying his laces and balancing the phone between his shoulder and ear.
‘I’m at Stephanie’s house. She made us leave the kids with my parents despite me just wanting to grab Hayley, wake her up and hug her all night,’ he could tell she was crying now, ‘they said it would be the wrong thing to do, that she would sense my sadness. My mum said that I should take some time to think clearly about what had happened before I spoke to her. Steph has been trying to get me drunk all night, but like that’s going to make all this go way? Her husband Tony, has been constantly asking me how I could
have done it? And how it felt to have sex with a teacher – he’s weird.’
Tom felt his jaw twitch with frustration, Tony that was his name was it? ‘Tell him to mind his own fucking business.’
‘I did,’ she paused, ‘can you believe my sister called you Mr Chambers like she was still a pupil of yours or something?’ she chuckled sadly.
‘No,’ he joined in, ‘it was so ill-timed.’
‘Yep, that’s my sister. But she’s always championed us. Even when she didn’t think what we were doing was the right thing.’
‘Have I ever told you how sensible your sister is?’ he joked.
‘Oh God Tom, how did we get here? I keep thinking that I might wake up tomorrow at home, with you in my dreams, instead of this reality. You know? Just as a fantasy again. My life as it was before.’
He closed his eyes, ‘I’m so sorry.’
‘I didn’t mean it like it was a wish. I just meant this all feels so strange now. I have had the white picket fence for so long. But tonight it’s just me and my daughter and a future that’s not certain anymore.’
‘I regret that you had to deal with the way I forced you to tell him. It was never my intention, I just wanted to protect you. I messed up big time. But I can never regret being with you again.’
‘I can’t regret that either, Tom,’ she breathed.
He walked into the en-suite and squeezed toothpaste onto his brush and turned on the tap.
‘What are you doing?’ she asked.
Tom laughed, ‘cleaning my teeth.’
‘Oh right… Tom, its ten to three in the morning,’ she stated like he had gone mad.
‘I know.’
‘What’re you thinking?’ she asked.
‘I’m not really thinking.’
‘Oh.’
‘I love you,’ he whispered.’
‘Tom…’ she sniffed.
‘Will you to let me pick you up?’ he stopped brushing and waited.
‘What?’ she whispered.
‘Let me pick you up… right now,’ he said again. He knew he was pushing what was a very fragile situation, ‘One more time before I go? I need to be able to take with me a goodbye that’s not like the one we shared a lifetime ago, and if we leave it with the one from earlier it will feel just as desperate as before… do you understand?’