“How are you and Roman?”
She sighs. “I’m okay for the most part. I mean, it’s not easy to accept her death. We weren’t the best of friends, but she and I were close at one point. She was troubled, sure, but I never thought she’d do this.” She takes a deep breath. “Roman is a mess. He’s holding it together because he doesn’t want to appear weak, but he’s breaking inside. He’s not in love with her or anything, he’s just heartbroken that this had to happen. And the fact that it was all caused by the actions of his baby mama is tearing him up. We went back to his dorm room and he cried. I never thought I’d see him cry.”
Roman shedding tears over Hazel surprises me, too. “It feels like our group dynamic has been ripped to shreds,” I mutter.
“I think you’re right. I doubt any of us will ever be the same after this,” she adds.
The weight of her words settle over us and we’re silent, letting the moment pass.
“Are you girls ready?” Roman asks.
We both nod and head over to Rome’s car, both of us climbing in the back. Audric climbs in with us, letting Nolan have the front seat while Roman drives.
“Don’t blame yourself,” Miranda whispers to me as Roman and Nolan set up the GPS.
I sigh. “It’s not that easy,” I whisper back.
She squeezes my hand but doesn’t let go. I’m not usually big on hand-holding with the same sex, but I find it oddly comforting. Audric sets his hand on my knee and I feel surrounded by people who care about me, who cared about my sister, and who want to help in any way they can.
Two
The trip is long, but the guys make it much better. They deal with Hazel’s death differently than Miranda and I, which means they’re teasing each other while Miranda and I are mostly quiet. We laugh at their antics, which loosens us up. Even though our trip has a sad purpose, we’ve all been talking about this kind of road trip for weeks. It’s sad that Hazel’s death is the reason for it.
“You’re a pussy,” Nolan says to Audric when the conversation turns to making a move. “We all know you don’t have any game.”
Of course, I want to speak up, but the truth is, I kind of feel the same way. I wanted to do something with him earlier in the day, when he was hard in my bed, but he just ignored me. I would’ve slept with him.
“I like to take my time, to let a girl feel like she’s in control,” Audric defends himself. “We can’t all be man-whores like you.”
Nolan doesn’t reply and I realize Audric hit a nerve. It was Nolan’s playboy ways that started Hazel’s depression spiral.
“You know whose got game?” I ask. “Me.”
They all laugh and the tension is gone. I feel good about it, as if I matter to this group. We’ve been broken up, with sides taken over Hazel’s death, but the five of us are all on the same side. All of us care about Hazel and none of us believes she deserved to die. I wish I could go back and I think, in a way, we all do. If one of us had gotten to Hazel sooner, to talk her out of it, maybe she’d still be here.
At a rest stop, we all use the facilities and while everyone raids the vending machines for snacks, I venture off onto a small trail. It’s primarily for people with pets, but I need a minute. Tears are threatening again, and I don’t really want to lose it in front of everyone.
I hear foot steps behind me and assume it’s Audric. I turn, tears welling up in my eyes and he comes closer, pulling me in his arms. I feel safer with him, as if I don’t have to be afraid.
“What are you thinking about?” he asks, his cheek resting on the top of my head.
“Hazel,” I answer simply.
He sighs and pulls away, looking me in the eyes. “Don’t do this to yourself.”
“It’s not like I can help it,” I say. I’m not exactly in control, emotionally.
“Hazel did her fair share of horrible things, Lex. I’m not saying she deserved to die, but she wasn’t exactly some innocent victim. There was a reason Cheyanne said and did the things she did.”
I step back, out of his embrace completely. “Are you siding with her?” I’m outraged. What, are you still in love with her?”
“No…” he trails off, not explaining further.
Everything is suddenly so clear. “Oh my God! You are! I can’t believe I didn’t see it before now. You’ve been up her ass since the day I met you. Why did you even bother coming? You know what – I don’t care. Just stay the hell away from me.”
I turn and walk away. It doesn’t slip my notice that he hasn’t tried to defend himself. He really is still in love with Cheyanne. He doesn’t care about what she did to Hazel, or that Hazel is dead. I wiped tears off my cheeks as I storm back to the car. I get in the back seat and tuck myself in a corner. I won’t sit next to him again. In fact, if he comes anywhere near me, I might just lose it.
He approaches the car, talks to Roman for a minute and then everyone gets in the car, Nolan and Miranda in the back seat with me while Audric drives and Roman rides shotgun. I seeth in silence, my anger building toward the guy I thought was different. He’s just like the rest of them, I decide. He used me, though for what, I have no idea, since we didn’t even sleep together. There must be something he got out of our very short-lived relationship.
The trip continues without a hitch, though the car is once again filled with tension. This time, though, I take full responsibility. Audric isn’t who I thought he was. He’s mean and hurtful; he supports the girl who caused Hazel’s death. I can’t believe I ever saw anything good in him.
I stare out at the trees as we pass them, desperately trying to think about anything other than Audric, Cheyanne, or Hazel. I’m in so much pain. I hate feeling this way, as if my heart is being crushed.
Three
Atlanta is a huge city. With eight lane highways and more intersections than can be counted, I’m glad Roman’s driving again. Around ten, Audric and Rome switched spots. We didn’t have much farther to go, but Rome was more comfortable with big-city driving. Even at eleven-thirty at night, the highway is full. Not bumper-to-bumper traffic, but damn close.
Roman turns off at our exit and guides the car into the hotel parking lot. He runs in, gets us checked in and then comes out, pulling the car around back. The five of us go into the hotel. The room is spacious, with two queen beds and a pull out couch. If things between me and Audric had stayed the same during the trip, the set-up would have been perfect, but everyone knows something is up, so Nolan volunteers to sleep on the floor, giving me one of the beds and Audric takes the pull out.
“Let’s just get some sleep,” Roman suggests when Audric opens his mouth to say something to me about the sleeping arrangements,
Thankfully, Audric doesn’t argue and everyone settles down to sleep.
An hour later, I’m still wide awake, staring up at the plain white ceiling, thinking about Hazel. I can’t seem to stop myself from thinking about her. She’s gone and I wish I’d been nicer, reached out to her more. But I didn’t. I’m a horrible person. I get up out of bed and walk out onto our balcony, sliding the glass door closed behind me. I stare out at the city, the bright lights a good distraction.
I wonder if Hazel’s in the afterlife, looking down on me. As much as we fought and argued when she was alive, I miss her. I took her presence for granted in my life. I look up at the star’s, imagining her giving me attitude for being so sulky. She’s the sulky one. I smile a little as I think it, knowing she wouldn’t be happy that everyone’s so sad about her death. She’s the emo chick, the one who pouts about things.
The glass door slides open and I turn to see Nolan stepping through the doorway. “I heard you come out. I couldn’t sleep, either.”
I nod. “I needed some air.”
“I know what you mean. It feels like I’m suffocating most of the time. I feel like it’s all my fault.”
“It’s not. You know that. She’d be laughing at us if she could see us now,” I murmur and he laughs.
“That’s true. She nev
er liked people to see her happy, but I felt like she and I actually were, there for a while. Until… Well, you know,” he says.
We both lean on the balcony railing. “Yeah. I’m really sorry about that, you know. I thought for sure she was just using you, like she did with so many other guys. But I guess it was more real than I thought.”
“You don’t need to apologize. I’m man enough to take responsibility for my own actions. I loved her, but I couldn’t say no to a willing woman. I proved just how much of a sleazeball I was.” He sighs, closing his eyes. When he opens them, there are tears there. “I loved her. I still do. She was the one person I could be myself with, the one girl who didn’t judge me or try to change me, and I threw it away for a piece of ass. No offense.”
I laugh a little. “None taken. That night never should have happened. Destiny wanted revenge and Cheyanne was set on it happening that way… She claimed it would hurt Hazel more. I guess it did.”
“So what happened with you and Audric?”
“You noticed, huh?” I ask.
“It’s hard not to, honestly. You’ve been sending out killer vibes all night. What happened?”
I glance out over the city. “He’s still in love with Cheyanne.” I don’t elaborate.
“Wait. You mean he came all the way here with you when he still has feelings for Cheyanne? How does he justify that to himself?”
“I’m not sure. But as much as I wish he hadn’t come with us, I know it’s only because of him that I was even allowed to come. He convinced you guys to accept me, even though I was so close to Hazel’s death.”
“We all have our guilt for her suicide. There was a series of events that led up to it. The fact that it was Cheyanne’s final attack that pushed her over the edge isn’t your fault,” he says, a hand on my shoulder.
“Thanks. Everyone keeps saying that, but I can’t help but feel like it’s all my fault.”
“We all have that same exact thought, trust me.” His words are comforting. We stand there in almost an awkward silence for a minute before he speaks again. “I need to tell you something.”
“What’s that?” I ask, turning toward him. I lean my arm on the railing, propping myself up.
He takes a deep breath. “You know how there was a text alarm for the gossip around campus?”
I freeze. “Yeah…”
“It was Hazel.”
“But Cheyanne told me she went through all Hazel’s stuff and didn’t find anything. Of course, Cheyanne was still convinced it was Hazel, she just stopped looking when she couldn’t find anything to prove it was Hazel.”
“Yeah. She had a secret compartment in her purse. That’s where she hid it. Unless you knew the zipper was there, no one would have been able to find it. That’s what Hazel told me, anyway. And then, when things started to look suspicious, Hazel decided to call it quits for a while and gave me the cell phone she was using. I was just supposed to hold it for her, just for a little while. I came across it last night when I was cleaning my room. There were some seriously incriminating messages sent to the phone number.”
I eye him nervously. “What do you mean?”
“People started to reply to the number, demanding that their identities be kept a secret. They sent tips and photos of people. There were a bunch of Cheyanne.”
“What?” This could be interesting.
“I think it’s only fair that we call out the people who treated Hazel like shit. The ones who made her last moments here a living hell. I want to ruin Cheyanne’s life, Lexi. I just need to know if you’re on board or not.”
His words are dark, but the way I feel, about Cheyanne and Audric… and about Hazel, I know I should do this. I should continue my sister’s legacy and maybe get a little revenge of my own on Cheyanne. I doubt I’ll get any gossip on Audric, since he’s far too good to do anything too bad.
“I think it’s a great idea, Nolan. And I want to help.”
Four
I didn’t sleep much, so this morning, I’m the first in the shower, the first one ready to go to the viewing. I’m anxious to get there, but nervous, too. Things might be difficult, since my own mother didn’t even want me to come.
Once everyone’s ready, we take Roman’s car to the funeral home. The place is huge and surprisingly empty. We’re a little early, but I expected there to be a crowd. We walk in together, the five of us moving as one. Miranda holds my hand as we go in.
“What the hell are you doing here?” I hear as soon as we’re inside.
I gulp, turning to face my mother. “I came to support you and Hazel’s dad.” My answer is simple at best, but seeing her seething angry worries me. She’s not exactly the type of woman to hold it in. In fact, I’m almost positive she’s going to make a scene.
“Sweetheart,” Hazel’s dad says from behind my mother. “I told her she could come. We’re a family, and family supports each other.”
I can tell Mom wants to say something more, but she’s absolutely fake instead. “Of course, darling. I was just surprised.” She gives him a hug and then turns to face me and my friends. “Won’t you all come in? The viewing room is right through here.” She leads us into a large room with a casket at the end of it.
Flowers fill the room, their scent doing nothing to hide the familiar odor of formaldehyde. I stand at the back of the room as my friends walk up to the casket. Roman and Miranda are first, taking their time to say their goodbyes. I watched, fascinated by their response. Miranda cries the whole time, and just as they’re about to walk away from Hazel’s lifeless body, Roman breaks. His tears spill out onto the black shirt he’s wearing and my heart breaks for him. I know Miranda must feel the same way, as she slides her arm around his waist, pulling him close.
Audric lingers in the foyer, not daring to even enter the viewing room, which I appreciate. He’s keeping his distance, which, given the circumstances, is the smartest move he can make. I don’t know what will happen if he tries to give his condolences. I want him to leave, but there’s no hope of that happening, not in the middle of the funeral when Roman is his ride home.
Nolan steps forward to see the girl who changed him, the one he still loves. I gulp as I watch him, his heart on his sleeve as he leans over the casket, sobs wracking his body. I walk up behind him and touch his back. He turns into my touch, wrapping his arms around my body. He’s all-out sobbing now, uncontrollable sobs that shake me with each breath. I glance over his shoulder to look at my step-sister.
She looks alive. Her eyes are closed, but she looks peaceful. I almost laugh at the very modest amount of makeup. Hazel would be appalled at how little eye makeup she’s wearing, and the fact that it’s all pale colors would enrage her. Obviously, the make-up artist never knew Hazel in person. She wouldn’t be caught dead in pink.
Her dress is pink, as well, which leads me to believe my mother suggested her attire and makeup, since she’s obsessed with pink. It’s a frilly dress, definitely not something from Hazel’s closet. The girl was dark, but she had a really good sense of fashion. She would hate everything about this funeral service, from the massive amount of pretty flowers to the lacy frills of her dress.
“She would hate all this,” Nolan whispers in my ear. I notice he’s stopped shivering and is finally in control of himself. He wipes his tears away and we both turn to look at Hazel’s lifeless body. “Every single bit of it would piss her off.”
I give him a small smile. “I was just thinking the same thing, actually. It’s too pretty in pink for her.”
He looks at her prettily painted face. “Goodbye, Hazel. I love you.” He squeezes my hand and then steps away, giving me a few minutes alone with her.
“It’s been a rough road for us. I’m not sure if you truly hated me or just pretended, but I want you to know I never hated you, Hazel. I was looking forward to being your older sister, to being your friend. You pushed me away before we ever even had a chance, and I wish things had been different. I’m so sorry I never pursued our friendship
further. I shouldn’t have let you push me away. Maybe I could have stopped you…” I trail off, collecting myself. “I love you, Hazel. And no matter what happened between us, I’ll always think of you as my sister.”
I touch her cold hand and then turn away, not letting the tears that threaten fall. I will not cry. I will not cry. I repeat the mantra over and over until the tears fade away. I join my classmates in the third row of the church-style pew seating, sitting between Miranda and Nolan. They each squeeze my hand, a show of their support.
We all sit in silence as the service begins, the pastor saying wonderful things about Hazel. There’s no mention of her poor attitude or suicide. Everything about the service is fluffy, completely non-Hazel-like. It’s sad but cute at the same time. She really would hate the whole service. The kind words from the pastor are endearing, but she’s none of the things he’s complimenting her on.
Five
It’s been a long ass day. We’re all exhausted and emotionally drained, but we decide, as a group, to go to dinner together. I really don’t want to spend any more time with Audric than I have to, but I suppose this falls under the have to category.
I choose my seat at dinner strategically, putting myself between Roman and Nolan. We all order our food and the awkward silence is painful. No one knows what to say, especially after we spent the day at a funeral, but also because it’s obvious there’s an issue between Audric and me.
Not being able to stand the silence any longer, I speak up. “Audric is still in love with Cheyanne.” It’s not very tactful, but I feel better for saying it.
“What?” Roman asks, looking at Audric. “Is that true?”
Audric sighs. “I can’t help who I love, man.”
“Umm, no, I don’t buy that for a second. After everything that’s happened, with her pushing Hazel over the edge, you still have feelings for her?” Roman is incredulous. Finally, someone who agrees with me.
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