But, as it was, I was just completely confused.
I got off the plane and called a cab. Even though it was around eight o’clock, I knew where I was going to go.
I gave the cabbie the address for my mother.
Chapter Three
I took deep breaths as the cab made its way to Brooklyn. My mother apparently hated me, but could I convince her not to?
Asher was calling, but I ignored it. I sent him a text message, though, telling him that I had landed.
I shouldn’t have been feeling apprehensive, but I was. I totally was. Asher’s warning was ringing in my ears. I apparently hadn’t spoken with my mother since my brother was killed. That meant that my mother hadn’t spoken with me in almost a year. Asher told me that Nathaniel was killed six months before I met him, and that he and I were together about six months as well.
I couldn’t imagine it. My mom and my sister were so much a part of my life. I saw them all the time. Typically, I would go over there on Sundays and have dinner, but I saw them other times as well. Birthdays, holidays, etc. Especially when my mother was going through a crisis, which she often did. During those times, such as when my mother would be going through yet another divorce, I saw her often.
Yet she wouldn’t talk to me, and hadn’t since the death of my brother?
I had to get to the bottom of this.
The cab got to my mom’s house, and I bravely gave him the money for the fare and told him to drive on. I probably should have asked him to hang around, because my mom would throw me out, but I felt that if I asked him to leave, perhaps my mother would at least hear me out. If there was a cab out in the street, then that would give her more of an excuse to ask me to leave.
That was my thought process, anyhow.
I took a deep breath, and rang her doorbell.
I looked at my watch. It was 9 PM. My mother typically was a bit of a night owl, and stayed up late watching television. I hoped that tonight would be a typical night for her, and that I wouldn’t be waking her up.
I held my breath, counting the seconds. I wondered if she would answer the door if she peeked out the peep hole and saw me. Maybe she wouldn’t.
I felt like crying, but then I heard rustling behind the door.
And, to my surprise and delight, she opened the door and just stood there and looked at me.
“Mom,” I said to her.
She shook her head and started speaking in Italian, which was her native tongue. Her last name was Parker because she was adopted by a family when she was only 10, but, at the time that she was adopted, she didn’t know a word of English.
I wished that I could understand her, but Italian was a language that I unfortunately never learned. She only spoke it when she was upset, so it wasn’t necessarily a language that I needed to know.
“Mom, can I come in?”
She shook her head again, and yelled “Stella, come here right now. It’s your sister. She’s here.”
Then she walked away.
Five minutes later, Stella, my sister, was standing at the door. “What are you doing here? You know you can’t be here.”
“Come out on this porch right now and talk to me. I understand that you and mom have been avoiding me ever since….” I shook my head, still not able to say the words. “I think that it’s time that you guys talk to me again.”
“Mom can’t stand the sight of you, and neither can I. Every time we look at you, all we can think is that, if it weren’t for you, that little boy would still be alive.”
I sighed. I knew that what she was saying was true. But, even so, I needed to bring some rationality to their brains. “Stella, you and mom aren’t perfect. I seem to remember that time on the playground that you were talking on your cell phone and Nathaniel went missing. Yes, he turned up an hour later, but you got lucky. And mom used to leave us in the car all the time while she went shopping at the mall.”
Stella narrowed her eyes. “You seem awful flippant about your behavior and how it led to the loss of our precious brother.”
“If I do, it’s because I don’t really remember any of it happening. I can feel it in my heart, though, and believe me, I’m grieving. But I feel that he forgives me for what I have done, and now it’s time for you and mom to do the same.”
“What do you mean, you don’t really remember it happening?”
“Let me come in, and I’ll tell you.”
Stella looked doubtful, and my mom was standing behind her in the living room. I could see her, standing there with her arms crossed in front of her, her head rapidly shaking back and forth, Italian words spewing from her mouth. I had no idea what she was saying, and I didn’t really want to know, either.
“You can’t come in. You’ll just upset mom.”
I sighed. “Tough. Let me in, or I’ll make you let me in.” I was prepared to just push her to the side, but she relented, and stood to the side and made a gesture with her hand.
“Come on in, but if you upset our mom, you’re going to have to leave.”
Mom was now crying, and her head was hanging. “Cordelia, why are you here? I don’t want to see you, and I don’t want to ever talk to you again. I can’t believe what you did.”
I decided to repeat what I told Stella, in so many words. “Mom, I know that you’re angry with me. And I don’t think that I can ever express how much regret and grief I feel about what happened. But it was a mistake. You left Stella and me in the car all the time when we were little. Nothing ever happened to us, but that was just by the sheer grace of God.”
“That was a different place and time.”
“Was it? We never lived in very safe neighborhoods, mom, and, if I can recall, there was crime during the ‘90s when Stella and I were growing up. You took just as many chances, if not more, and you were lucky that nothing ever happened to either of us.”
Her face looked like I had slapped her, but then she started to cry again. “How dare you bring that up and throw that in my face? Are you trying to say that I’m a bad mother?”
“No, of course not. What I’m trying to tell you is that you can’t continue to hate me for making a mistake, when you’ve made that same mistake many times in my youth. The only difference with me is that I was unlucky.” I hung my head, feeling the tears coming to my own eyes. “I mean, Nathaniel was unlucky. He didn’t deserve that. He was a precious boy, and it was all taken from him in a flash. I will always regret that. I will always feel guilty about it. I will always, always, always miss him. But I don’t think that it’s fair that you and Stella are going to go out of your way to make me feel like a criminal.”
She shook her head. “I know what you’re saying, and Cordelia, I have missed you.” I was a bit alarmed that she was calling me by my birth name, as that was something that she rarely did, mostly when I was in trouble. “But I just can’t stand seeing you.”
My heart sunk. “Mom, would you go to counseling with me? And Stella too?”
“Who has money for that?”
“I have insurance. It’s apparently pretty good insurance, too.” I held my breath, waiting for her to reply.
She just started to shake her head, and said “no. Please leave, Cordelia.”
“Mom-“
“You heard her. You should leave.” Stella gave me a look, and then started talking in a low voice. “Mom isn’t well. She hasn’t been well. Now you’re here, and all that you’re doing is upsetting her.”
“Stella,” I began, seeing that her face was softening towards me, “come out on the porch with me. I’ll call a cab to come and get me, but…” It was then that I saw the Tesla pull up in front of the house.
A Tesla? In this neighborhood?
All at once, it made perfect sense. Asher had, somehow, someway, managed to figure out where my mom lived and he apparently was right there. I had no idea how he even figured that I was going to visit my mom that night, but, then again, I was talking about seeing them, so he must have put two and two together.
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Stella was standing there, too, and her mouth was open. “Oh my God, CJ, look at that car! I don’t think that I’ve ever seen anything like it.”
“It’s a Tesla. It’s an electric car that apparently is as high performance as a sports car.” I hadn’t known Asher all that long, but, thus far, we had only rode in limos. I didn’t even know that he had his own car, but it made sense. And owning an electric car made perfect sense for him, considering what he did for a living.
“A Tesla? Aren’t those like $100,000?”
“Yes.” I sighed, not wanting to have to explain to Stella, or my mother for that matter, about Asher. The gossiping would never stop.
I saw Asher in the driver’s seat, just sitting there. He was probably trying to decide if he should get out of the car or not.
“You know somebody who would drive a car like that?”
“Yes.” I waved to him, and he got out of the car. He looked sheepish, his hands stuck in the pockets of his jeans and his head cast down. I almost melted, because he was so goddamned handsome and sexy, and, with the look of a little boy who felt like he was about to be scolded, he also looked vulnerable.
That was quite a combination, and it was all that I could do to not fly right into his arms.
He opened the gate to the front yard and mounted the steps. He was soon right in front of us, and he extended his hand to Stella, who was looking at him like he was some type of god or something. “Hi, I’m Asher,” he said. “You must be Stella.”
She nodded her head. “I am.” And then she looked at me. “CJ, do you mind telling me who this is?”
I sighed. “It’s Asher Sloane. He’s my…”
“Fiance,” Asher said.
I gave him a look. “I was going to say boyfriend, but, apparently, Asher here doesn’t quite know how to respect boundaries.”
Stella looked at me with wonder. “You and him? Really?” Then she looked him up and down, and looked at his car again. “Oh my God, I can’t believe it. How did you manage that?”
“I don’t know myself how I did, but, apparently, Asher and I have been together for several months.”
It was just then that Stella apparently was struck by the fact that I told her that I didn’t remember the incident where Nathaniel was abducted by the carjackers. “Wait, you said something earlier about you not remembering what had happened with Nathaniel. What did you mean when you said that?”
I looked at Asher. “Asher, I hate to ask you this question, but what are you doing here? I need to tell Stella all that had happened to me, and I would really appreciate it if I was alone with her.”
Asher looked crestfallen. “I’m sorry, but I thought that you needed me.” Then he motioned me to go with him to the edge of the yard so that he could talk to me without Stella hearing us. I reluctantly followed him.
“What?” I said to him when we finally got to where Stella couldn’t hear us.
“I was going to say that I was worried that your mother and sister wouldn’t want to talk to you. I thought that you would need me if something like that happened. I’m sorry, CJ, but I know how devastated you’ve been all these months. I just didn’t want them to spin you back into all of that emotional turmoil, that’s all.”
“Asher,” I said. “I appreciate your concern, but I got this. It’s my sister and mother. We’ve had our problems over the years, but we’ve always managed to get past it.”
“Well, I wasn’t sure. At any rate, I’d like to be around the corner if you need me. I’ll be at the Denny’s that’s on the main street, just a block away.”
I shook my head. “Asher, that’s okay. You can stay. But I would like to know what compelled you to call me your fiancé. I didn’t think that was established yet, and you’re pushing me.”
“It just came out.” He hung his head. “Wishful thinking, I guess.”
“Well, you need to clear the record. Besides, you told me, time and again, that I need to meet your dad before anything happens in that regard.” I didn’t want to ask him exactly how that was going to happen. Would his father come here? Would I have to go to Russia? I didn’t know the answer to that. I would have to get a passport first, as I hadn’t ever traveled overseas.
“You do have to meet my father. And, again, I’m sorry. It just flew out of my mouth before I could even think about it.”
“Okay. Well, let’s go back up to the porch.” Stella was still standing there, watching us.
We made our way back up to the porch, and the three of us sat down at the little table and chairs that was there.
Asher smiled. “It’s nice having a porch. I often wonder why more houses don’t have them now.”
Stella nodded her head slowly. She evidently still couldn’t believe that a guy like Asher would be with like a girl like me.
Join the club, I thought ruefully.
“Well, this house was built around the turn of the century,” I said to Asher. “It has a lot of problems, but a lot of charm as well. The porch is part of that charm.”
It was surreal. This was the first time that Stella and I were talking, apparently, for a long time, and we were talking about architecture.
“Okay,” I said to Stella. “Now, please get mom out here. I really need to talk to her.”
“I think that she’s gone to bed.”
“Well, get her out here anyhow. Besides, I want her to meet Asher.” All at once, I was grateful that Asher was there, because it meant that I would have a bit of a buffer between myself and my mom and sister. And I also knew that my mother would absolutely adore Asher. Who wouldn’t?
At that, Stella disappeared inside.
“Are you sure you want me here?” Asher asked me.
“Now you’re asking me?” Then I softened, and put my hand on his. “Of course I want you here.” I looked over to his car. “I didn’t know you had a car. I figured that you only traveled in limos.”
“Of course I have personal cars. I don’t usually drive them, though, because the city traffic is always so heavy. I figured that since this is Brooklyn that maybe there was more of a need for me to drive. And I’ve been itching to drive, because I haven’t in so long.”
“And, what, you had that car at the ready at the airport?”
“No, I called one of my drivers to drop it off.”
I nodded my head. “I figured that.”
Asher smiled. “Sometimes I get a kick out of your reactions. You always teased me about my lifestyle before, and I miss that.”
I sat back in my chair, wishing that I had a drink in front of me. Preferably something strong. “Well, I’m certainly getting a look at how the other half lives.”
“And?”
“And what? You certainly do have the life of Reilly.”
At that, Asher looked pensive. “That’s right, you forgot all of that. All of my past, and what I told you about it, you forgot.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Well, when we were together before, you always hassled me about being spoiled. But you didn’t know what had happened to me when I was growing up. I’ll have to fill you in about that. At any rate, you’re going to have to know about it before you meet my father.”
“Are you so sure that I’m going to meet your father? After all, I still haven’t decided what to say to you about your proposal. I mean, I can’t just sweep under the rug the fact that you have fathered a child with somebody else. Especially since you did that right after you and I broke up. Not to mention all the other lies and omissions.” I felt my hackles rising again and I tried to shake it off, but it was difficult.
“CJ, please believe me when I tell you that you can trust me. Everything that I have lied to you about was for your own good.”
I opened my mouth to call bullshit on that, because there was no way that him keeping a pregnancy from me could be in my best interest, but we were interrupted by Stella and my mom.
My mom’s reaction to Asher was much like Stella’s, but she was mor
e outspoken. “Oh, my,” she said, looking at Asher and the Tesla parked on the street. “Cordelia, you’re dating a rich man? And a handsome one at that.” She all but batted her eyelashes, and I noticed that she bothered to put on a bit of makeup before she joined us on the porch.
“Yes,” I said. “This is Asher Sloane.”
Asher bowed his head, and took my mother’s hand and kissed it. She giggled lightly and blushed.
I couldn’t help but think that there was the possibility that she was going to forgive me for everything I had done, because I was realizing her ultimate dream for me. I was dating somebody wealthy. Mom always wanted that for me.
But she gave me a look that told me that all was still not right. She was just putting on an act for Asher. That was what her look told me.
“Well,” I said, “now that everybody has met everybody, it’s time to address what has been going on with me.” I took a deep breath, and grabbed Asher’s hand and squeezed it. I gave him a meaningful look that I hoped conveyed my feelings – that I was about to address something very stressful, and I needed him.
“Go on, Cordelia,” my mom said. She was annoying me because, as long as she was calling me by my given name, she was subtly letting me know that she was still angry with me. “Tell us what you need to tell us. And then, I’m sorry to be rude,” she began, looking right at Asher. Of course she was only addressing Asher when she said this, because she didn’t care if she was being rude to me. “But I’m very tired and I need to go to bed. But go on, Cordelia, tell us what you need to tell us.”
I felt myself blushing, and I looked at Asher, who looked amused and concerned all at the same time. “Well, I don’t have a lot of memory left of the past two years. So, I might need Asher to fill in some blanks.” I looked at him. “Asher, tell them what happened with me after Nathaniel. I don’t think that we really talked about all of that.”
Asher cleared his throat. “Well, Mrs. Parker,” he began.
“Gianna,” she said. “Call me Gianna.”
“Gianna,” Asher began again. “CJ has had a rough time after Nathaniel passed. When I met her, she was suffering from severe panic attacks anytime she left the house. She was so distraught and blamed herself for what happened. She was afraid to leave the house because she was convinced that there was danger around every corner.”
Close Up: Exposure Book Three Page 2