‘I don’t care about pain. If it hurts, it hurts. It’s not as if everything else is rosy at the moment.’
That was exactly what Anna and Dr Lewis had discussed yesterday. Jon was in a world of mental pain and confusion, and they needed to address that first. The pain from a medical procedure might serve to take his mind off his other problems, but it would do nothing to solve them.
‘We feel that these other issues are more pressing and should be addressed first. We’ll still keep up with the cream and massage, and that will improve the skin around your burns and make it more likely that surgery will be successful.’
Jon shook his head, cursing under his breath. Then got to his feet and started to pace. ‘This is... Why can’t you just do as I say?’
Anna shot Jamie a warning look, hoping he wouldn’t intervene, and he ignored her.
‘Hey! You think you’re the most important person in the room? You’re not, Anna is. Because she’s your surgeon and you need to listen to what she’s telling you and follow her advice.’ Jamie’s voice was quiet but very firm. And it worked. Jon calmed down suddenly.
‘Sorry. I don’t much like sitting around, doing nothing.’ Jon’s moods could turn on a sixpence, and now he seemed the picture of contrition.
‘You have nothing to apologise for. I know it must be hard, and frustrating, but both Dr Lewis and I feel that this is the best way forward. If you agree, he’ll take over sole responsibility for your care for the foreseeable future, and you can come back to me when you’ve worked together to resolve the most important issues.’
Jon shrugged. ‘Okay, whatever you say. Although I’ll miss my beautiful Anna’s visits.’
Anna saw Jamie stiffen, and felt herself blush. It was just a compliment and it meant nothing to her. It would have meant a great deal more on Jamie’s lips...
‘It’s not a beauty contest, mate.’ Jamie’s tension showed beneath his smile. ‘Anna’s here to do her job.’
He was right, but he hadn’t needed to say it. Jon’s words were harmless.
‘I’ll always take a compliment.’ She tried to diffuse the tension that had built suddenly in the room.
Jon chuckled, and Jamie looked at her as if she’d just slapped his face. Whatever was going on between them was one of the things that needed to be resolved. A knock sounded at the door and Anna jumped to her feet to open it.
A woman of about her own age was juggling a baby and a large bag. Her resemblance to Jamie and Jon was obvious.
‘Look who it is! Is that Joshua...?’ Jon was animated again, and even Jamie looked a little less grumpy.
‘Yes, I thought you might like to get to know your new nephew.’ The woman turned to Anna. ‘I’m Caroline, Jamie and Jon’s sister.’
‘I’m Anna Caulder. I was Jon’s surgeon until about five minutes ago.’
‘Jamie’s told me all about you. Thanks for looking after my big brothers.’ Caroline grinned, clearly reckoning that both of her brothers had needed some looking after. ‘And this is Joshua.’
‘Hey, Joshua.’ Jon’s voice was cracked with emotion and he was staring at Caroline and the baby. Caroline planted a kiss on her son’s brow and pointed towards Jon, waving at him. Joshua imitated his mother, and Jon waved back.
‘Don’t let me interrupt...’ Caroline smiled at Anna, and Anna shook her head. This was exactly what Jon needed.
‘We’re finished. I’ll leave you to your visit.’ Anna shot Jamie a pointed look and he got to his feet. Despite his obvious annoyance, he too understood that Caroline and Jon needed some time together, and that baby Joshua was a very special visitor too.
Jamie ushered his sister to a seat then followed Anna out of the room. She closed the door and Jamie paused, looking at her thoughtfully.
‘Is there something you need to talk about?’ Strictly speaking, and now that she was no longer Jon’s surgeon, that was Dr Lewis’s question to ask. But Jamie was a friend.
‘Yeah, actually, there is.’ She saw a trace of annoyance in his eyes.
‘Right, then.’ She turned on her heel, beckoning to him over her shoulder. ‘My office.’
* * *
Anna walked into her office, perching herself on the windowsill and folding her arms. ‘All right. What gives?’
She was going to push it. Right now probably wasn’t the time.
‘Nothing...’
‘Don’t nothing me, Jamie. You’ve been swallowing something for days, and it’s got something to do with me and the way I’ve been treating your brother. So let’s have it.’
‘You’ve done everything right. I think that the decision to have Dr Lewis take over is an excellent one.’ Jamie decided that the best course was the least antagonistic one.
‘And...?’
Okay. If she wanted to know so much... Maybe it was something that he should have mentioned to her before. Sitting down would be good, it might make him feel less angry, but somehow being confined in a seat was unthinkable.
‘I think... Jon’s very charming. Charismatic...’
‘And...?’
Jamie puffed out a breath. ‘Don’t be fooled by it. He just loves the attention and he’s broken a few hearts.’ His heart. Jon had broken his heart as well. Jamie swallowed down the thought.
A slight flush spread across her cheeks and as it did so, Jamie’s stomach did a somersault. Not Anna. He couldn’t bear to think that she might have fallen prey to Jon’s charm.
‘You think that I haven’t been professional?’
‘No, but now that you’re no longer his surgeon, that’s not an issue, is it?’ Jamie shook his head. ‘This is just...friendly advice.’
Anna’s eyebrows shot up. ‘Friendly advice? You think I need friendly advice to keep my hands off the patients?’
She was angry now, and deliberately misunderstanding him. Jamie felt his own anger begin to bubble furiously.
‘No, of course not, we both know how to act professionally. But I’ve seen how you look at him, the way you were listening to music together up on the roof the other evening...’ Jamie couldn’t even think about it.
‘How dare you?’ She marched across the room, stopping just inches in front of him, her face suddenly cold with rage.
‘Anna, I’m not suggesting you’ve done anything wrong. I just don’t want to see you getting hurt.’
‘No, Jamie. You’re telling me that I’ve been inappropriate with a patient. I found him sitting up there on the roof on his own, and I took a moment to talk to him. You understand talking, don’t you? If you saw a reaction from me when you arrived, maybe it was because you were looking daggers at me.’
Her indignant fury left no room for doubt. He’d allowed his own feelings for Anna to get in the way of his judgement, and he’d jumped to the conclusion that had been presented to him by his own relationship with his brother. Jamie suddenly felt very ashamed of himself.
‘Do I get to apologise?’ Maybe she didn’t want to hear it. Not after what he’d said.
‘Damn right you get to apologise. I’m not entirely sure how much good it’ll do, though.’ Anna’s face had softened a little as she threw down the challenge.
Jamie took a breath. He had to make this good. ‘Then I apologise. Unreservedly. I was wrong to suggest that your motives were anything other than kindness. And you’re right, my reaction was nothing to do with you, and everything to do with me. I’ve been trying not to lash out at Jon, and I lashed out at you instead. I’m sorry.’
He could feel the tension in the room lifting. He wanted to hug her, but he didn’t dare. In the silence between them, he felt himself begin to shake with emotion.
‘That’s a very nice apology. And it’s accepted.’ Anna moved her hand, brushing her fingers against his trembling hand, and he felt desire flood through him. No. She was just being a kind friend. He wasn’t going to mistake
that for something else, not so soon after he’d made such a similar, horrendous mistake.
‘Thank you. I don’t really deserve that. I...um...think I need to get some fresh air.’
She frowned. ‘Where are you going?’
He’d thought flowers. Maybe something bright and happy. Friendly rather than romantic.
‘I’m not sure you want me around right now. I wouldn’t blame you...’
‘And you’re getting out while the going’s good?’
‘Yeah. Something like that.’
She smiled, and Jamie felt relief flood through him. They’d said the words, but her real acceptance of his apology was in her smile.
‘I want you in that chair. Right now.’ She pointed to the seat on the other side of her desk, where Jamie had set up his laptop to work.
Jamie swallowed hard. That was rather more costly than the price of a few flowers, but then Anna had never shied away from difficult. It was the least he could do. He sat down, expecting her to retreat to the other side of her desk, but she pulled up a chair and sat beside him.
‘Jon’s not the only one who needs a bit of help, is he?’
‘I’m dealing with it.’
‘I can see that.’ Her lips quirked into a half-smile. ‘How do you reckon that’s going? On a scale of one to ten...?’
Messing up with Anna had made him realise two things. He couldn’t just forget about what Jon had done, and he cared for Anna. Right now the level of pain and confusion he was feeling was off any scale he could think of.
‘I haven’t made much of a start. Nought out of ten would be pushing it.’
‘You’re here. You’re helping your brother. That’s huge, Jamie, and I think that entitles you to at least a five.’
‘That’s generous of you.’
Anna took a breath, regarding him for a moment. Jamie didn’t really want to know what she was thinking, but he didn’t get to duck away from anything right now.
‘What did you argue about? You and Jon?’
‘It was... I guess in the past isn’t going to wash, is it?’ So many of the kids he dealt with talked about things that were in their pasts that still held sway over them now.
‘No. I think you know the reasons why not. Whatever this is, it’s tearing you up and you need to talk about it. If not to me, then someone else, but I really want to help.’
Jamie took a deep breath. ‘When it happened, most of my family insisted on taking sides. Caroline was so furious with Jon that she wouldn’t even speak to him. I hated it, and I reckoned that if I never spoke about it then they’d come round eventually. I didn’t want our argument to rip the family apart, but it did.’
‘Caroline’s here now.’
‘Yes, but it took me a while to convince her to come. I don’t want you to think less of Jon, the way my family did. You’re his surgeon, he needs you.’
‘We practise medicine without fear or favour, Jamie. You know that. Anyway, I was Jon’s surgeon. I’m not any more.’
‘I just didn’t want you to feel a conflict.’
‘I don’t. I know exactly where I stand. You’re the person who matters to me, and if you ask me to make no judgement then I’ll do my best to respect that. I might have an opinion, but I won’t allow it to change the way I act.’
The sudden warmth in his chest almost made him choke. He mattered to Anna. Maybe she’d been giving Jon a little extra attention for his sake, and the thought made his accusations seem even viler.
‘It’ll stay between you and me?’
She nodded. ‘Yes, of course. Between friends and in the strictest confidence.’
Jamie leaned back in his seat. Suddenly this felt like the safe place where he could admit to his feelings, without making the situation worse.
‘Thanks. I’d like that.’
CHAPTER SIX
WHATEVER IT WAS, it was bad. But she’d told Jamie that she wouldn’t judge and so she should just listen, and take whatever he said at whatever value he chose to give it.
‘It was Christmas, nearly three years ago. Jon had landed back in the country the previous week, and he was staying at a hotel five minutes from my parents’ place. I went up there the day before Christmas Eve with my fiancée, and Caroline was going to drive over with her husband and children on Christmas Day. The idea was that we’d be close, without giving my mother all the extra work of having house guests for a week.’
Fiancée? Anna resisted the urge to take just that one word from everything else that Jamie had said, and nodded him on.
‘It was good to see him again. We’d grown apart since I’d gone to medical school and he’d gone on the road...’ Jamie shrugged. ‘Gill hadn’t met him before, but of course she knew him by reputation. She was really thrilled to meet him.’
‘Gill, your...erm...’ Anna waved her hand, not wanting to say the word.
‘Fiancée, yes. She and Jon got on really well, and I was tired, I’d been working pretty hard in the run-up to Christmas. I went to bed and left them talking. I woke up the next morning and she wasn’t there.’
‘Wasn’t...where?’ Anna felt her throat dry suddenly.
‘Wasn’t next to me in bed. She’d been in Jon’s room all night.’
‘Talking?’ Anna decided not to jump to the obvious and most devastating conclusion.
‘No. My twin brother slept with my fiancée, after only knowing her for a matter of about six hours. On the night before Christmas Eve. While I was sleeping a couple of rooms along the corridor.’
‘He... She...’ Anna clapped her hand over her mouth before she said something stupid, feeling her eyes fill with tears. ‘Oh, Jamie...’
‘Yeah.’ He was clearly fighting for control over his emotions. ‘Don’t say it. Whatever it is, it’s not going to help.’
‘No. I don’t imagine it will.’
‘I looked for her, and then knocked on Jon’s door to see if he knew where she’d got to. I was worried about her...’ Jamie shook his head. ‘She was there, with him. Both dressed in those towelling robes that the hotel provides for guests.’
‘And...they’d definitely...’ This line of questioning wasn’t working very well. She couldn’t imagine any sane woman choosing Jon over Jamie, and she couldn’t put it into words.
‘Like a fool, I just took it for granted that it was all innocent and for some reason Gill had decided to use Jon’s shower instead of ours. She followed me back to my room and told me. She was sorry, but Jon had swept her off her feet. She’d found something special and she had to follow her heart.’
‘I can’t...’ She had to pull herself together. ‘I mean, I believe what you’re saying to me. I just can’t believe it happened.’
‘Neither could I. I didn’t trust myself to say anything, I just walked away. I must have walked for miles, and then I decided that I had to talk to them both and went back to the hotel. They’d both packed their things. Jon had the decency to look pretty shamefaced about it all, and I was pretty angry.’
‘I think you had a right to be.’
‘It didn’t help much, though. I tried to keep my cool, but I couldn’t. I ended up shouting, asking Gill why she couldn’t have just stopped and thought about it before she decided that sleeping with my brother was a good idea, and she burst into tears and turned to him. I decided there was nothing more that I could say, and I wasn’t going to trade insults, so I turned and walked out. I went to my room and stayed there until after they’d left.’
‘Where is she now?’ Anna wondered whether Gill was still with Jon but had stayed away from the clinic because of Jamie.
‘I don’t know. She and Jon broke up after a couple of months, and I heard she was back in England, but she never contacted me. I didn’t want to contact her, to be honest. The thing that hurt the most...’ Suddenly Jamie’s composure cracked and he shook his head.
Anna reached forward, taking his hands in hers. He’d already shown a lot of restraint in telling his story, and maybe that was the real problem. Now that he’d finally accessed his emotions, he needed to own them.
‘What was the worst thing, Jamie?’
He looked up at her, his eyes brimming with tears. Anna held onto his hands tightly.
‘Stick with me. The worst thing, what was it?’
He pulled one of his hands away from hers, brushing it across his face. But the other hand was still hanging tightly onto hers.
‘The worst thing, was the fact that it didn’t last. If it had really been something special, and they’d found true love, then maybe I could have come to terms with it. But they’d broken my heart and thrown me away for...a couple of months.’
‘And now you’re trying to forgive him.’
‘He’s my brother. I have to forgive him before the rest of the family will. I want to forgive him...’
‘Do you know why he did it?’
‘We never spoke about it.’ Jamie shrugged. ‘He did it because he could, I guess.’
‘I’m so sorry this happened, Jamie.’ There was nothing else that she could say, no way to make sense of it all. Maybe just being here was enough.
It seemed enough, for this moment at least. They sat in silence, holding hands. It felt as if there was a measure of healing there, but there had to be more than this if Jamie was ever going to truly leave this behind.
‘Could I suggest something?’
He smiled. ‘Go ahead. I’m out of ideas in finding a way forward.’
‘You haven’t talked much about this, have you?’
There was a flash of understanding in Jamie’s eyes. ‘There are counsellors attached to my charity. I never really got around to talking to any of them...’
‘They might not be the best people to talk to, you know them and have a relationship with them outside the counselling sessions. Jon’s benefitted from the sessions he’s had here, at the clinic.’
A Rival to Steal Her Heart Page 6