‘I’ve been a fool, haven’t I?’
Anna shook her head. ‘I don’t think so.’
The waitress arrived with their plates, and he took cutlery from the carousel, and then some tartare sauce to go with his fish. He watched as Anna shook the bottle of tomato sauce, dribbling some onto her plate, then dipping one of her chips into it. Everything she did was enchanting, and it seemed that she was all he had to hold onto.
‘Great chips.’ She gave him a smile that seemed achingly intimate. As if she knew all his secrets and she didn’t judge him for them. She just wanted to eat chips with him on a wet, windy day and watch the sea.
‘I think... I could have done a few things differently.’
‘You’re in good company. You, me and everyone else on the planet.’ She put another chip into her mouth, but she was watching him steadily.
‘I could do a few things differently in the future, then.’
Anna smiled. ‘That’s a bit more to the point. The future’s something we can change.’
‘I’ve been thinking that the business with Jon and Gill was just one thing, and that it came out of the blue. It happened and I could keep it to myself, and control it.’
‘And you’ve learned differently.’
‘Well, clearly there were a few issues that had been brewing before that. And I wasn’t in control, I couldn’t just keep going without anyone noticing.’ Jamie thought for a moment. ‘Maybe I should mention that to my counsellor.’
‘What, that you’re not completely in control of everything?’ Anna gave him a knowing look.
‘I sat down with her last week, and outlined the way I expected it all to go.’ He allowed himself a rueful smile. ‘What the issues were, and how I was going to resolve them.’
‘I’ll bet she just loved that. Where’s the job satisfaction in counselling someone who’s already got everything worked out?’ Anna was teasing now.
‘Yeah, okay. Just don’t stop giving me a hard time, will you?’
‘Of course not. That’s what friends are for, isn’t it?’
Jamie nodded. Being friends with Anna was so much more than he’d dared hope. And suddenly he had an appetite for the food in front of him. He picked up his knife and fork and began to eat.
CHAPTER TEN
WHEN ANNA’S PHONE had beeped yesterday, she’d thought that Jamie had just sent a message wishing her a good Monday morning after a weekend that had been so full of different emotions. He had done so, but the purpose of contacting her had been something else entirely. Something she’d been dreading.
She knew that Jamie had taken an interest in the abandoned baby that had been brought to the hospital two weeks ago. So much so that the nurses on the paediatric ward had named the little boy James. Anna had visited him once more, but had then stayed away, knowing that this day was going to come.
It wasn’t until she’d arrived at work on Tuesday morning that she realised she’d dressed for the occasion. A dark skirt and jacket with high heels wasn’t her usual style as she preferred the more informal look of a bright top with trousers. But today the distance of formality was her only armour.
‘Hi. You okay?’ Jamie seemed much the same as always. Tall and broad, deliciously handsome, and seeming to notice everything about her. That wasn’t what she wanted to think about either.
‘Yes, fine.’ Anna pressed her lips into a determined line. ‘I’ve got a pretty full schedule today, so...’ Don’t stop and talk. Just get it over with and leave.
‘We’ll make it quick, then. They’re in one of the family rooms.’ Jamie got the message, starting to walk purposefully towards the paediatric unit.
‘Have they found the mother?’ They stood alone in the lift together, and Anna couldn’t help but ask.
‘Yeah. She’s very young and the social workers say that she wants to go ahead and have the baby adopted. Apparently everyone’s in agreement that it’ll be the best way forward for both mum and baby.’
Anna swallowed hard. ‘So the couple we’re seeing today...?’
‘They’re foster parents for the time being, but they’ve been on the adoption list for a while, waiting to be matched with a child. If everything goes to plan, and I’m sure it will, they’ll adopt James.’
Anna thought she saw a hint of pride in his face. A baby named after him. That was what any man wanted, wasn’t it? ‘Do they like the name the nurses gave him?’
Jamie shrugged, and the lift doors opened. ‘What’s not to like about it?’
His version of hurrying was to give the smiling impression that he had all the time in the world but still get straight to the point. Anna was introduced to Marianne and Neil, and she sat down, trying not to notice the glow in both their faces as they looked at the baby in Marianne’s arms.
‘I understand you’d like to know what the operations for syndactyly are going to entail.’
‘Yes.’ Marianne tore her gaze from the baby, and nodded her head. ‘Whatever it takes, we’ll be there for him. We’d just like to know how we can best care for him.’
Anna nodded. ‘Well, the good news is that there’s no reason why his fingers shouldn’t be separated successfully. It’ll take some time, and I’d advise you to discuss all the options with your surgeon. There are a number of centres of excellence that specialise in syndactyly.’
Neil nodded, reaching across to stroke little James’s hand with his finger. ‘We’ve seen the list you sent, thank you. He’s perfect as he is, but we know that surgery can give him a lot more than he has at the moment, and we want to make sure we do things right.’
That was a great start. Anna reached into her bag, pulling out the information folder that she’d put together and handing it to Neil.
‘I’ve got some fact sheets and a few web addresses for you. I’ll just run through some of the main points, and then I know you have some questions for me...’
* * *
‘Nice people.’ Jamie had walked Marianne and Neil out to the entrance of the paediatric unit, holding the door open as they manoeuvred the new pram through it. Anna had hung back.
‘Yes.’
‘He’s going to a good home. He’ll be fine.’
Anna wanted to retort that he had no way of knowing that. But Marianne and Neil had been through the demanding process of being accepted as potential adoptive parents, and everything had been done to make sure that baby James would have all the care he deserved. Jamie had just picked up on her mood and was trying to reassure her. Maybe himself, too.
‘Yes, you’re right. He’ll be fine.’
‘So...you need to be getting back?’
She’d said that, hadn’t she? And now she was standing, staring dumbly at the door, as if Marianne and Neil were going to bring baby James back for one last hug. The one that Anna hadn’t dared give him.
‘Yes, I do.’ Anna smiled briskly up at him. ‘Will I see you on Thursday?’
‘I’ll be there.’
‘Good. I’ll remember to clear a space on my desk for you.’ Anna shouldered her bag, and walked away.
As she hurried through the main reception area of the hospital, she saw Marianne and Neil again, with an older couple who were bending over the pram. Probably baby James’s new grandparents, who hadn’t been able to wait to get a glimpse of him. Thankfully they didn’t see her, and Anna made for the doors as fast as she could go without careening into someone.
Marianne and Neil were embarking on a journey that Anna would have loved to take. She’d begged Daniel to take it with her, but he’d refused, saying he wanted his own biological children. Anna hadn’t tried to persuade him any further. Daniel had already changed his mind about not wanting children, and had left her. They would never have been the kind of couple that could look after an adopted child, the way that Marianne and Neil were.
She should just forget all about
it. Baby James would be well cared for. If it seemed that he’d left a gaping hole in her life, it was only because that hole had always existed and was never going to be filled. Not with anyone, least of all Jamie.
* * *
Anna had become attached to baby James. That wasn’t in the least surprising, the little boy’s happy temperament belying his difficult start in life, and he’d been a favourite amongst everyone at the hospital. Jamie had got a little too attached himself, but he knew that everything was being done to make sure that both the baby and his biological mother were being properly cared for.
All the same, her reaction had puzzled him. He could have understood if she’d given him a hug and brushed away a tear, the way that the paediatric nurses had done. But Anna had been clearly struggling to hold her feelings back, and that piqued his curiosity. Anna was generally in the habit of telling him exactly what was on her mind.
Maybe she’d got to thinking about the kiss, and had decided it had been inappropriate. But she greeted him with a smile when he arrived at the clinic on Thursday, and the brush of her fingers on his arm told him that she was thinking nothing of the sort. Which was just fine, because Jamie didn’t regret it either.
‘We’re playing baseball on Sunday morning.’
They’d been sitting in silence, both concentrating on the papers in front of them on Anna’s desk. Actually, Anna had given every appearance of concentrating on her paperwork, while Jamie had been wrestling with how to phrase his invitation.
‘Yes?’ She looked up at him. ‘I heard that the forecast was for rain over the weekend.’
He’d heard that too. And if getting thoroughly cold and wet with Anna seemed like a taste of heaven to him, he didn’t blame her for finding it an unenticing prospect.
‘I should probably book an inside court.’
‘Yes, probably.’ Her gaze shifted to the papers in front of her again.
This wasn’t going quite the way he’d planned. Anna had sensed his ulterior motive and was already backing away from it. He should have been a great deal clearer about what he was asking of her.
‘Jon’s going to be staying with Caroline this weekend. I’m going to leave them to it, and was wondering if you’re free...’ Anna didn’t look up at him, but Jamie lapsed into silence as he saw the tops of her ears redden.
‘Jamie. Don’t embarrass me...’
He hadn’t meant to. And the only way that this could embarrass her was if she was about to say no. He liked spending time with Anna, and he knew that she liked spending time with him, but they both needed the reassurance of having a reason to be together. Just wanting to be together wasn’t enough.
Without looking at him, Anna picked up her pen again and started to write. The tops of her ears were still burning red, and the silence in the room was pressing down on him like a ten-ton weight.
Long minutes passed. Her phone was going to ring any moment now, calling her away, or it would be time for him to go and visit Jon’s room to have lunch with him. The subject of seeing Anna again would have been dropped, and with every moment that passed it would become increasingly unlikely that it would ever be broached again.
‘Look, Anna. Neither of us has any plans for a relationship right now. So could we take that off the table, please?’ Jamie blurted the words out.
She looked up at him. Then she smiled. It was a little watery, but it was a smile all the same.
‘Yes. You’re right, we should do that.’
‘So keeping that firmly in mind... I’d like to be your friend and spend some time with you.’
She thought for a moment. ‘I’d like that too. I’m free at the weekend.’
The weight lifted from his shoulders and Jamie suddenly felt as light as a feather. ‘That’s great. I am too, so maybe we could do something together.’
* * *
Now that a relationship had been taken off the table, it had allowed everything else to be added. Jamie had mentioned that the trees in the orchard were laden with fruit, ready to be harvested, and Anna had suggested they do it together. They’d driven down late on Friday evening, only giving themselves time for a nightcap before he went to his bedroom and she went to hers.
Jamie had slept peacefully for the first time in weeks, just knowing that she was in the house, even if he couldn’t hold her. In the morning, he’d cooked breakfast, and they’d walked down to the orchard together, Anna carrying the boxes for the apples and Jamie taking the sturdy ladder that would be needed to reach the highest branches.
‘I think that’s about it...’ They’d gathered up the windfalls, and sorted the apples into two boxes, ones that were perfect and those that were damaged.
‘There are still some on that tree, over there.’
Jamie shook his head. ‘They’re not ready to pick yet.’
‘Just as well probably. What are you going to do with all these?’ Anna gestured towards the four large boxes of apples.
‘Um... Caroline will take some of them. And I can pack the undamaged ones and put them in the outhouse, they’ll keep for a while.’
Anna nodded. ‘What about picking some blackberries and making pies with the windfalls? You could freeze them.’
‘Good idea.’ There hadn’t been so many apples last year, and Jamie had given them all to Caroline, because making pies would have reminded him that he’d had no one to eat them with. Now it felt like a real harvest.
He carted the boxes back to the house while Anna picked blackberries. Two boxes were set aside for Caroline, and Jamie put the box of windfalls on the kitchen table.
‘Do we have enough?’ Anna surveyed the apples and blackberries, and Jamie laughed.
‘Enough for what? How many people were you thinking of feeding?’
‘I meant enough butter and flour for pastry.’
Jamie opened the refrigerator, pulling out half a packet of butter. ‘No, I guess not.’
‘We’d better get some, then.’
Going to the supermarket felt like an excursion to heaven. Weaving through Saturday shoppers with a trolley, standing patiently as Anna changed her mind for the third time about how much flour they’d need, and then loading everything into the car. Stopping for coffee and a sandwich on the way home, because they had too much to do this afternoon to contemplate cooking lunch. He’d done this a thousand times, and it had slipped past him like all the other irrelevancies in life. Today it felt special.
‘How are you at pastry-making?’ Her face was shining as they re-entered the kitchen. Anna was enjoying herself too, and that made it all perfect.
‘I can give it a try. Caroline does it all the time, it doesn’t look too difficult.’
Anna grinned at him. ‘I’ll make the first batch of pastry then, and you can make a start on peeling the apples.’
When it was Jamie’s turn to make the pastry, he found that it wasn’t as easy as either Caroline or Anna made it look. But practice seemed to be the key ingredient, and after a few false starts Anna judged his pastry good enough to line some of the foil pie dishes they’d bought.
‘The counselling’s going well...’ He was still curious about the things that Anna didn’t talk about, and it seemed to Jamie that if he were candid with her, it might encourage a similar response.
‘Yes?’ She grinned at him. ‘That’s good.’
‘My counsellor said she was relieved to find that I wasn’t going to be billing her.’
Anna snorted with laughter, dropping the apple she was peeling into the basin of water in front of her. It landed with a plop, scattering water all over the table. ‘I’d be wanting to get that one sorted out as well.’
‘Yeah. We’ve made the demarcation lines a bit clearer. These sessions are part of a learning process for me, not the other way round.’
‘It’s a bit of an occupational hazard, I suppose. When you’re so used to co
unselling the kids in your care.’
Jamie chuckled. ‘Thanks for letting me off the hook. Although I suspect it’s a bit more to do with the fact that I reckoned that it was all about what Gill and Jon did, and that I didn’t bear any of the blame for what happened.’
‘I’m sure your counsellor didn’t say blame, did she?’ Anna was mopping up the water on the table.
‘No, you’re quite right, she didn’t. She said responsibility. More flour?’
‘Yes, just sprinkle a bit more on the board before you roll it out. It’ll stop it sticking... So what areas of responsibility have you owned up to? If you don’t mind my asking.’
‘No, of course not.’ Jamie thought back through the twisted strands of everything that had happened, and the beginning of it all seemed very clear now. ‘Gill and I met on a train. She was sitting opposite me, staring at me, and finally she asked if I was Jonny Campbell. Jon and I looked a bit more alike in those days.’
‘Oh...’ Anna’s face twisted into pained expression.
‘Yeah, I know. It’s ironic, but... Actually, that just about sums it all up. We started talking, and laughed about it a bit, and I dismissed the idea that she’d actually rather I was Jon. But, looking back, I think she always wondered if he might be a bit more exciting than I am.’
‘That’s not very fair. You’re exciting.’
The way she flew to his defence was nice to hear. ‘Not quite in the way Jon is. Gill liked to go out a lot, the fancier the place the better. She didn’t have a lot of time for the work I do with the charity, she rather felt that got in the way. She made no bones about the fact that I could be a bit boring about it sometimes.’
‘She sounds a bit boring herself.’ Anna winced at her own reaction. ‘Sorry. I didn’t mean to be rude. I don’t even know her.’
‘I appreciate the vote of confidence. Gill and I were just different. I had what I really wanted, and when there were conflicting claims on my time, I chose the charity over her. She was right to leave me.’
A Rival to Steal Her Heart Page 11