by Mindy Hayes
Lily steps back, but only slightly because the sandbox is stopping her from moving farther away. “Just because she doesn’t look like a boy doesn’t mean she doesn’t have a boy name.”
“I like my name,” I say proudly.
I can tell Lily doesn’t know how to respond to that, so she huffs and turns on her heel to join some other girls on the swing set, her blonde ponytail swinging back and forth as she walks.
“My mom always tells me that girls can be really mean,” Alix says and rests her hand on my shoulder. “You can call me Felix if it makes you feel better.”
I giggled. “It does. Thank you, Felix.”
DEAN
NEW MOTORCYCLES LINE the front of my garage, waiting to be ridden. A new Ducati Streetfighter was shipped in today and stands front and center. I hang out for a while, leaning against the brick, admiring it. I’ll have to test her later today to make sure she runs well. It’s the most logical thing to do.
“Dean! My man!” Josh hollers as he saunters toward me. His eyes are bloodshot, and his hair probably hasn’t been washed in days. He looks like he’s been hit by a freight train.
“What’s up, Josh?” I sigh. I try to sound like I care, but he wouldn’t be able to tell if I did.
“Not much, bro. I just wanted to come say hey.” He holds out his fist for me to pound. “It’s been a while.”
I bump his fist and head for my office, waiting for the punch line. It’s been maybe two weeks.
He follows closely behind me. “Sweet new Ducati out there.”
I nod. “Yeah. She came in this morning. I’m going to take her for a test run later today.” He hovers along the back wall of my office, nodding. He’s probably hung over. “What do you need, Josh?”
His hands run through his hair, making it stand on end. “I need a place to crash tonight, bro.”
I rub the back of my neck. I know his old man. I’m very familiar with the kind of man Josh doesn’t want to—or can’t—go home to. Jared may have kicked Josh out for good this time.
If I say no, Josh will end up sleeping on a park bench or behind some dumpster, or worse, never make it through the night. If I say yes, he’ll show up at my house at three in the morning completely plastered. He’ll sleep it off on my couch, then eat all my food when he wakes up at one in the afternoon, and I won’t hear from him until his two weeks are up, and he repeats his process.
“Sure.” I sigh. “Whatever you need.”
“Thanks, bro. You’re a lifesaver. I won’t be late. Just leave the back door unlocked. You won’t even know I’m there.”
I grunt, but smile. I’ll hear him stumble through my house, bumping into walls and slamming doors, but it won’t do any good to tell him that. “Don’t mention it.”
“Dean.” Aiden appears in the doorway. “Duncan just brought by his—” He stops when he sees Josh leaning against the wall inside the door. The silence that fills the office suffocates me with awkwardness.
“Hey, Aiden.” Josh tosses a nod.
“Hey,” Aiden says shortly and meets my eyes. It’s clear that’s all he’s going to say. He doesn’t want to stick around.
“I’ll be there in a minute, Aiden.”
He nods and walks out of the doorway without another word.
“I’ve really got to get back to work, Josh. We good here?”
“Oh, yeah. Sure. I understand.” He begins backing out. “I’ll get out of your way. Thanks again. Later, bro.”
“See ya, Josh.”
I watch his wiry figure leave through the garage and feel a twinge of worry. Nothing I say makes a difference. I stopped trying a year ago after the third time I bailed him out of jail. I told him he needed to sober up because I wasn’t going to bail him out again, and he hasn’t asked since. But he’s one of my best friends, and I can’t do anything to save him, because he doesn’t want to be saved.
I meet Aiden by Duncan’s black and white Kawasaki. “Dude. Why is he still coming around?” There’s a scowl on his face.
“He needs somewhere to stay tonight so I told him he could sleep at my place.”
“Dean—”
“I know, Aiden,” I cut him off before his rant can begin. “But he used to be your best friend once upon a time, too.”
“Yeah, until he bled my bank account dry after stealing my credit card for booze and who knows what else.”
“It was lousy, I know. But all he needs is somewhere to crash. I’m not giving him more than that.”
“I know you feel for him, man. You understand where he comes from. You wanna save him or whatever, but he doesn’t deserve it. I won’t pretend that I’m okay with it.”
I nod. “I know, and I won’t ask you to. ” I motion to the bike. “Tell me what’s going on with it.”
Aiden sighs, but agrees, and we forget about Josh and get on with what we do best.
***
Lily and I sit down on my couch and pop in a movie for our Friday night in. She snacks on the popcorn in her lap, rambling during the previews.
“Tina was saying that Julie will be setting up a game booth at the Sole Festival again this year. She wants me to help her with the booth, and I know that’s probably the nice thing to do, but I really wanted to relax this year and go to the festival with you.”
“If you think you need to help out, I won’t be offended.”
“But …” She’s clearly disappointed. “Don’t you remember what happened at the Sole Festival last year?”
How could I forget? It was my first Sole Fest without Sawyer. But I know what Lily means.
The lights string across from booth to booth lighting up Main Street. Sawyer’s face shines in every light. Her eyes reflect back in everyone’s eyes as they meet mine. She appears at every game: throwing beanbags in wooden holes and tossing metal rings over glass bottles. She winks at me as she shovels down a corndog and devours five clouds of cotton candy. Her body sways from side to side as she drinks in the music.
She’s everywhere.
I’ve got to get out of here. I don’t know why I thought I would be able to handle this.
“Dean!” I hear my name hollered and turn to see Lily flagging me down. She’s perched on a stool behind the counter of the booth lined with the wooden pin towers. She tosses a rubber ball up in the air before she catches it again. “Come play a game!”
I’m about to say, “No thanks,” when it dawns on me that when I look at Lily, her long blonde hair waving all around her, I don’t see Sawyer in her eyes. And it occurs to me that every moment I’ve spent with Lily since I’ve come back has been a Sawyer-free zone.
I blink, taking a moment to answer her. In the two and a half years that I’ve been home, I don’t think I’ve actually really looked at her. She radiates excitement and mischief and simplicity. I could use a little less complication in my life. When I take a step toward her, her pink lips smile wider. Sawyer is the last thing on my mind. And it’s the first time since I’ve returned to Willowhaven that I feel it could be possible to live a life without the one person I never thought I could live without.
“After you won that giant stuffed bunny for me, there was no turning back.” A small smirk lines her lips as she nuzzles under my arm and blinks her big blue eyes at me.
“I think you rigged the game so I would win.”
“Oh whatever, you show off,” she says, eating more popcorn. “It’s a little difficult to rig that game in your favor. Now if I wanted you to lose, I’d have glued the pins together so you couldn’t knock them over. But what would have been the fun in that?”
“I would have been trying to knock down those pins all night.” My determination would have gotten the better of me.
“Which would have been much more amusing. You know, I still have the bunny.”
“Do you sleep with it every night?” I tease.
“So what if I do? It reminds me of you.”
I smile, but I know it’s strained. “Oh, Josh will be staying over tonight, so
if you show up in the morning, don’t be startled.”
Lily sighs and peers back at the TV screen. “When are you going to tell that deadbeat that he’s got to clean his act up and quit living off everyone else?”
I run my free hand down my face. I’m so tired of having this conversation with everyone over and over. “That deadbeat is one of my best friends, Lil. You know life hasn’t been easy for him. I’m doing my best by him.”
She looks back up at me from under my arm. “Dean, I know the life he’s had, but so do you. Don’t act as if he doesn’t have a choice in how he lives. You did. And look how you choose to live yours. You stopped fighting. You stopped drinking. Now you need to stop enabling him.”
I pinch the bridge of my nose. “We’re not talking about me right now. I just wanted to give you a heads up.”
She nods with pursed lips, taking in my irritated expression. She softens and reaches up to kiss my cheek. “Thank you. Just let me know when he’s gone.”
If she knew that I spotted him a few dollars here and there, she’d have a freaking conniption.
The movie starts, and my mind wanders. I wonder what Sawyer is doing with her Friday night. Is she still hiding away in her room? If I were to show up on her doorstep would her mom let me in? It’s already apparent that Sawyer would slam the door in my face. When her husband was around did they spend their Friday nights going out to dinner and bowling? I could rarely convince her to do anything else on our date nights, but I wouldn’t have wanted to spend them any other way.
I wait at the end of the lane and watch the bowling ball fly down it. I’m sure this one will give me a strike. It was a perfect set up. It smashes through the pins, scattering half of the wooden pegs. Four pins stand untouched, mocking me.
I knock my head back. “Ugh! You’ve got to be kidding me.”
“You could still get a spare,” Sawyer taunts. “With three or four more strikes you might be able to beat me.”
I look up at our scores on the screen above our lane. This is the third weekend in a row that I’ve let her convince me to go bowling. Sawyer is up by nearly forty points. She’s had a strike almost every frame. She’s chalking it up to talent. I say luck.
“You’re getting way too much joy out of my pain.” I smirk back at her over my shoulder.
“No joy.” She shakes her head innocently. One leg is tucked up to her chest and she rests her chin on her knee. “Okay. Maybe a little bit.”
I chuckle and grab a ball, sticking my fingers in the holes on top and cradle it with my other hand. The only way this is going to work in my favor is if I throw my signature curve ball.
“You’re going to regret saying that,” I caution, eyeing the pins at the end, lining up the perfect plan of attack.
“Am I now?” she retorts. “I doubt that.”
I flick my wrist and send the ball spiraling, except it’s all wrong. It curves too wide. So wide, in fact, that it slides into the gutter and rolls down to the end, not making contact with one single pin.
“Aww… gutter ball.” I hear her false apologetic tone. She’s sitting in the seat behind the computer with a fake frown on her face. “That’s a shame.”
“You,” I say with a laugh, pointing my finger accusingly at her and pouncing.
She laughs loudly as I tickle her sides and kiss her neck. “Stop,” she begs between giggles. They aren’t your typical giggles. It’s throaty and charming. It makes me want to throw her over my shoulder and run away with her where no one could bother us ever again. “Stop! Please!”
“Take it back,” I order, squeezing her waist, taking pleasure in the sound of her laughter and knowing I’m the one causing it. “Surrender!”
“Never!” She defies me through her amusement, and I dig in deeper, burying my face in her floral scented hair. She smells amazing. “Okay, okay!” She chuckles. “I surrender! I surrender!”
I stop and kiss her cheek before sitting in the seat next to her. With a contented sigh, I peer over at her smiling face. “You surrender to me, huh?”
She presses her lips together, trying to prevent a smile. I reach over and rub the pad of my thumb across her bottom lip to get her to stop. I never want her to stop smiling.
“Always,” she says.
“Dean,” Sawyer says my name, but it sounds nothing like her. It’s too high pitched. “Dean, I’m going to head home. Go sleep in your bed. You’ll be much more comfortable there.”
I pry my eyes open to see Lily’s face hovering over mine. Confusion and disappointment set in before I comprehend where I am or what year it is. Lily runs her fingers back through my hair. I feel it stand on end. “And you’ll regret it if Josh is the one to wake you up in the middle of the night on this couch.” I blink a couple times and shift to get up. “For more reasons than one,” she says, helping me to my feet and kissing me. I weakly kiss her back. “He’d probably try and take your bed.”
I take a deep breath and shake away the thoughts of Sawyer. Never have they felt more vivid. Never have I missed her more, and guilt washes over me. I walk Lily to the door.
“Do you want to just call me when Josh leaves in the morning? We can do lunch or something?” Her eyes glimmer with cheerfulness.
I nod and she stands on the tip of her toes to kiss my cheek.
“Goodnight, sweetie.”
“Night,” I mumble and make sure she gets into her car safely before she takes off.
I run my hand down my face as I watch her taillights disappear down my dirt driveway.
I’m so screwed.
SAWYER
MY CELLPHONE HAS been off since the week after Grayson was taken from me. It kept chiming with text messages and emails and phone calls from people wondering what happened and trying to lend support or send their condolences while all I wanted to do was throw my phone across the room. I realize people wanted to let me know I’m not alone, I understand that. But the only way I won’t feel alone anymore is to have Grayson back.
I talked to my in-laws a couple times, but it was just too hard—for both of us. I probably can’t even call them my in-laws anymore. There is nothing left to tie us together. Is my last name even Jones anymore? When the one person who makes me a Jones no longer exists, can I even still claim the name as my own?
Alix made me turn my phone back on a couple weeks after she stopped by my house. She told me it would be used as a communication device solely for her because she felt like we were in elementary school again when she had to call the house and ask to speak to me. I couldn’t blame her for that one.
When my cellphone rings and her names flashes across the screen with a picture she obviously took to make me laugh, I pick up. “Hey—”
“I’m picking you up in an hour,” Alix cuts me off.
“Are you now?”
“Yes. I am. You’ve been cooped up in that house for over a month now, Sawyer, and it’s not healthy.”
“It’s worked fine for me so far.” I can avoid curious eyes. I can avoid nosey questioning. I can avoid him. Gah. Above all, I can avoid Dean. Seeing him on Main Street was more than I could handle. There were so many emotions coursing through my body that I could have spontaneously combusted. I’m not ready to experience that again.
“Well, it’s not working anymore. It’s time you got some sun to thaw out that cold, black heart of yours.”
“I like my heart charred, thank you very much.”
“We’re going to the Sole Festival,” she counters.
“And if I say no?”
“I’ll come there and drag your butt out of that house, looking just as you are in your wrinkly pajamas and rat’s nest hair.”
I touch my hair self-consciously. It might not be styled, but it doesn’t look like a rat’s nest, and my yoga pants are comfortable.
“Fine. But only because I believe you, and I don’t want to terrify the rest of humanity.”
She chuckles and hangs up.
***
As soon as we get out of t
he car I regret letting Alix sway me into coming here tonight. It’s crowded and loud. There are too many people, too many faces who know my story and stare at me with pity in their eyes. I feel so much pressure to pretend like I’m fine. If I were to show on the outside how I feel inside they’d either lock me up in a psych ward and medicate me beyond recognition or, worse, try to hug me and console me. I want to punch every single one of them in the face. Everyone in their perfect relationships with their perfect lives. They don’t know me. They don’t know anything about me anymore.
We get closer to the crowd and I suddenly feel claustrophobic. I stop. “Alix, I can’t do this. It’s too much.”
“Oh c’mon, yes you can.” She skims my appearance, eyeing the messy bun on top of my head. “You could use a little more makeup, but you’ve got that ‘I don’t care’ vibe going, and it’s working for you.”
“I don’t care about the way I look. I’m not ready to be thrown back into society. It’s too soon.”
“I’m not asking you to hit on the next hot guy you see. I’m asking you to dip your toes in and socialize. Just be around people. Your parents might not want to push you. They might think time is what you need, and they’re right, but you don’t need time alone any more. You need time to learn how to be human again. He’s been gone for almost four months, Sawyer. Life is going on without you. It’s time.”
I sigh with closed eyes and nod. “Okay.”
“Good. Okay. Let’s grab a bite to eat, listen to some songs, and then we can go. Baby steps.” She smiles. I take her outstretched hand begrudgingly, but smile back because I love how much she feels like home.
We grab a couple of corndogs and sodas and head toward the crowd around the stage with the live band. It’s a little bit country, but I’m okay with that. The lead singer swings his hips, his cowboy hat propped on his head, dipping it to every girl who calls out to him. I bob with the music and watch Alix sway and raise her arms in the air, carefree. I don’t remember what that feels like.