by Iris Deorre
‘I’m sorry,’ she said to him. ‘For snapping.’
‘I know.’ He did know.
‘Are you mad at me?’
‘Yes I’m mad at you. I want you to slow down.’
‘You know I can’t do that. I want to finish this race.’
‘I know. You’ve made it pretty clear. It’s just worrying.’
‘Don’t.’ She breathed. ‘I need this and you know it.’
He nodded. He bit back the words that were dying to come out. Who was he kidding? He was married to Sahara. The woman who never took no for an answer.
‘One more mile to go.’ She thought she might collapse, but she had to get to the finish line. Joy and everyone were depending on it. ‘Justin, help me out here, buddy.’ She raised her head to the sky. ‘This is for you and me buddy. I know you’re here with me.’
The last mile took its toil on her, but as she heard Joy shouting for her, she found the very last bit of strength to get through to the finish line!
‘That was some race,’ she said after she’d got her breath back.
‘Are you okay?’ Elizabeth asked.
‘I’m fine mum. I just need a very long rest. I’ll see the doctor tomorrow.’
‘Okay, I’m just checking. This was a very risky thing you pulled off.’
‘It was the best thing I’ve ever done. I feel so alive!’
Eugene hugged her. He was overwhelmed by it all. And in a way he was happy it was over.
The group finally made the journey home, where Lawrence had made a roast for all to enjoy. They sat down to the meal, happy. Sahara could see by the look in Joy’s eyes that she was so happy. It made her realise just how important the race had been.
‘To Sahara, you are the most stubborn woman I know, but you’re also the most inspiring woman I’ve met. I love you.’
‘To Sahara.’ They raised their glasses.
‘Aww, thank you honey! This has been an amazing journey. The training and to finally run the race, I never thought I’d finish it.’
‘But you did,’ said Emily. ‘You’re one hell of a woman.’
Sahara laughed. The gathering lasted another hour and a half, and then finally everyone went home.
Chapter Seven
The months turned into a year, and another year and another year and another. Sahara had run another marathon, she’d tandem skydived, and she’d travelled all the way to remote places in Africa to see the rewards of her generous donation. She’d stunned the doctors; she’d refused to take their word and chose life over and over again. Diet, keeping healthy and regular visits to the private doctor had helped a lot, but it was her faith in herself that had kept her going.
One morning, Sahara was woken up by the most excruciating pain. At first she tried to keep in the sounds and not disturb Eugene, but soon she could no longer help it. Sahara let out the loudest of screams.
‘Honey! What’s the matter?’ He shot up and looked at her.
She couldn’t speak, the pain was too intense. It had crept up on her bit by bit, but she’d managed to hide it the past few weeks. She rolled around on the bed, drew her legs up inwards and just cried.
‘I’ll call an ambulance.’ He reached for his mobile.
Sahara thought she might die there and then. She’d never felt pain so excruciating. As if her insides were on fire!
‘They’re on their way honey.’ He tried to comfort her as best he could. But the pain was all she felt. It was too hard to focus on his voice. ‘It’s okay, I’m here.’ He pushed back her hair. ‘It’s okay.’ He tried to sooth her over and over again.
The paramedics arrived and worked quickly. They asked Eugene about her medical history and her medication. Soon she was calm, the pain fading away, but her mental state unclear as the pain medication kicked in.
‘We’re going to have to take her to St James.’
‘Yes, I understand. Doctor Cross knows she’s coming.’
Eugene understood exactly what was happening, but never thought this day would come. She’d done so many things that proved to them that life was all about determination.
****
News travelled fast and Elizabeth, Emily and Felicity were by her side. Sahara opened her eyes and looked at the faces of the ones she loved and smiled faintly.
‘Oh baby.’ Elizabeth sniffed.
‘Mum, hi.’ She smiled faintly.
Emily leaned into her friend and this time wouldn’t hold back the tears. Weakly Sahara put her hand over her friends shoulder and embraced her. She let her cry and just let it all out. Felicity on the other hand gazed away to hide the threatening tears.
‘Where’s Eugene?’ she asked softly.
‘He’s gone to pick up Joy to bring her here.’
‘I see.’ She smiled. ‘Did the doctor say it’s time?’ she asked, trying to make light of it.
Elizabeth took Sahara’s hand. ‘The cancer has spread to your liver and the other vital organs.’
‘I figured. The pain has been terrible over the past few weeks. I just didn’t want to alarm Eugene and Joy.’
‘Oh honey.’ Elizabeth began to cry.
‘It’s okay.’ She tried to comfort her.
‘No it’s not. It’s not fair.’
‘Oh life’s fair. It’s always been fair.’
‘No it’s not! It’s taking my baby from me.’
Sahara couldn’t comfort her beyond what she tried to. They all sat in silence, giving as much as they could. Half an hour later Doctor Cross came into the room.
‘Ah Doctor.’
‘The amazing Sahara.’ He smiled. She’d beaten all odds, lived way past what had been expected. He was definitely in awe of her.
‘You flatter me doc.’ She laughed lightly. ‘Hit me with it.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘Oh don’t be. It’s not your fault. There is nothing to apologise for. So tell me. How long?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Yes you do, you can tell me.’
‘A few weeks.’
‘Two weeks? Three?’
‘Yes, maybe.’
Elizabeth burst into tears again.
‘Okay. I have time.’ She smiled.
‘Time for what, honey?’ Elizabeth looked up at her daughter.
‘To do the last few things I want to.’
‘You’ve got to take it easy,’ Elizabeth protested.
‘What the hell for.’ She laughed. ‘I’m dying.’ She didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. ‘There’s still time. There’s still time.’
‘You’ve made me question science a bit. And made me think about how the mind works. You’ve really inspired me,’ said Doctor Cross.
‘Good, that means my work here is done.’ She giggled.
Emily could never understand how her friend could always stay so positive in the mist of all the things that had happened to her. It had certainly taught her how to be a lot more grateful for what she had. There was no room for her to complain. Just then Eugene and Joy arrived. Doctor Cross left them, and Joy ran into her mothers arms.
‘Mum are you okay?’ The ten year old looked into her mother’s eyes. She’d really grown into an amazing girl. She’d taken both their features, and that had made her extremely beautiful.
‘No honey, I’m not, but you will be.’
‘I don’t want you to die.’
‘I don’t want to die either, but that’s the way of life I’m afraid. We all have to die at some point, I just have to go sooner.’
‘It’s not fair.’
‘Oh darling.’ She kept her close.
Sahara felt like her heart was being ripped from her chest. She’d done the best she could to stay alive, but her body would no longer house her. It was giving up on her and no amount of believing would change that. It was time for acceptance.
‘Listen to me honey.’ She pulled her up a bit so she could see her face. She took time to wipe away the tears. ‘Don’t ever give up on life or anything. If you’ve
been hurt, allow yourself to cry, but then open yourself up again and love again. I don’t want you to miss out on good things because you were too unhappy. Okay?’ She hoped Joy understood her.
‘Yes okay.’ She leaned back into her mother.
Eugene watched his family. There wasn’t anything in his power that he could do. No amount of money could save her. He felt torn and helpless. Sahara did the best she could to be happy, for everyone’s benefit. She tried to help them realise she was still there with them, and tried to bring their focus to that.
A few hours later they left, leaving only Eugene with Sahara. She was grateful for the space. It had been hard trying to make sure everyone would be okay without her. He lay beside her and kept her as close as he could.
‘Honey,’ she said. ‘I want to go home.’
He looked at her a moment.
‘I’m serious. Once they get my medication right. You can hire a nurse to help administer it at home. As a matter of fact I want to go somewhere warm.’ She laughed.
‘Like where?’
‘Somewhere like the Greek Islands, with white beaches and warm sunshine.’
He knew exactly where she wanted to go and understood perfectly.
‘Okay,’ he said without hesitation. ‘Okay. Whatever you want.’ He kissed the crown of her head.
‘Before we go, I’ve got some paper work I want to give Alice. If you could let her know I’d like to see her, that would be great.’
‘Yes, of course.’
There was no fighting what was.
‘I know this is hard for you.’
‘It is.’
‘But you’ll be okay, you know that, don’t you.’
‘I don’t know. You’re the love of my life.’
‘Oh baby. I don’t want you to hold onto me like that forever. I want you to open up again and find love.’
‘I don’t want to think that far.’
‘That’s fine, but please don’t make me haunt you.’ She laughed.
He laughed too, as hard as it was, he couldn’t help but laugh.
****
After a few days, Sahara could finally go home. Her medication had been sorted. She was as comfortable as possible, but most times it left her drowsy and out of it. Family came and went, and sometimes she wasn’t sure whether she’d dreamt them, or if they’d really been with her. The one thing she seemed to be certain of was the feeling of Joy, next to her. Every day after school Joy would lay by her mother’s side, telling her about her school day. Sometimes she just lay and watched her mother sleep.
It had certainly taken its toil on Eugene. He spent time at her side, doing the things she asked. He was afraid to leave her side, just in case she died without him. But she always assured him, she’d still be there when he got back, whether that was work or somewhere else he had to be.
On the day Alice arrived. Sahara had asked the nurse to miss one dose of her medication so that she was alert enough to speak with her. The nurse wasn’t keen, but she did as she was asked.
Alice walked into the bedroom mid-morning and sat by her side.
‘Hey,’ Alice placed her hand over Sahara’s. ‘How are you feeling? Or shouldn’t I ask that?’
‘Like crap.’ She laughed gently. ‘But I’d rather feel like crap and be present, than be out of it. I really had to see you.’
‘I’m here. What do you need?’
Sahara pointed to the folder to the left on the bedside table.
‘What are these?’
‘They’re yours.’ She nodded for Alice to take them.
Alice took the folder and opened it. She scanned the contents and then her mouth dropped open.
‘They’re yours.’
‘I can’t.’
‘Yes you can. Who else will love my shops the way you do? You deserve them. You’ve been a great friend to me and you love what you do. I want you to own Sahara’s flowers.’
‘I don’t know what to say.’ Her eyes glazed over.
‘Say yes. I can’t take them with me, can I?’ she laughed.
‘Yes. Thank you!’ She fell into Sahara and cried.
‘Make sure you make the biggest bouquet of scarlet roses for me, when I’m gone.’
She nodded, crying into her.
‘I love you,’ said Alice. ‘You’ve taught me what love truly is. You’re amazing!’
‘You’re amazing too! And I’m so glad you beat cancer and it never came back. I’m so glad you’re enjoying your life.’
‘Oh Sahara.’
‘I’m happy too. When you finally let go of the what ifs, you allow things to just fall into place. Eugene and Joy will be okay. They may not feel like that right now, but I know they’ll be just fine.’
‘Yes they will be.’
They spoke until Sahara could no longer go without the pain medication. Soon things became blurry and she fell asleep, leaving Alice feeling happy, proud and sad all at the same time.
Chapter Eight
The private plane landed on the sunny Greek island. Everything had been sorted so that Sahara could spend her last few days listening to the sounds of the waves, admiring the view and feeling the warm air. Joy and Elodie had come along, and Sahara had encouraged them to go out and explore the town. Joy on the other hand didn’t want to. All she wanted was to be with her mother. Sahara couldn’t blame her, but she didn’t want the little girl to spend all her time being sad, when there was so much beauty all around her.
‘Why don’t you just go and spend an hour out. Go and have a look around and bring me something nice.’
‘How do I know you’ll be here when I get back?’ asked Joy.
‘Because I will.’
‘You promise.’
‘Yes I promise. I won’t leave without saying goodbye. Okay?’
She nodded and then looked up at Elodie who encouraged her to take her mothers advice. After some thought on Joy’s part, she went, and it pleased Sahara very much. There was one thing she didn’t want, and that was her family being sad. She wanted them to continue living even if she couldn’t.
****
Eugene took time to sit by her side. They talked about the things they’d achieved. At times she would just doze off and he’d lie next to her and listen to her heart beat.
‘Do you remember the first time we met?’ he asked one morning.
‘I do, I remember it like it was yesterday.’
‘Myles had been very cagey about the whole thing. But I understood why.’ He smiled at her.
‘Yes well, those days I didn’t want too many people to know. I didn’t want people feeling sorry for me.’
‘It makes a lot of sense to me now.’
‘Life is a beautiful thing, Eugene Gallagher, and you brought so much into my life.’ She leaned into him.
‘So if I had to ask you what number you are today, what would you say?’
‘I’d say a three, but that doesn’t matter anymore.’
‘It matters to me.’
‘Oh baby, I’m sorry.’
‘Don’t be. I’m just finding it very hard right now. How the hell am I going to live without you?’ He sniffed.
‘You have Joy. She needs you.’
‘I know.’
They were silent. No more words had to be said. The sound of the waves brought peace. The curtains to the French doors, where they lay, blew gently. But as the day progressed, Sahara began to feel better within herself. At four that afternoon she sat up and spent time with Joy. They chatted and drew a picture of the beach. Eugene was convinced a miracle had taken place.
‘That’s a really good picture,’ said Sahara. ‘You’re a born artist.’
‘Thank you mummy, you helped as well.’
‘Yes I sure did. I loved colouring the sun. It’s so bright and beautiful.’
‘It is, I see that everyday when Elodie takes me for a walk on the beach.’
Sahara smiled faintly. Elodie was a good woman. She’d done as Sahara had asked, and kept Joy in
a positive state for as long as she could.
‘Mummy’s going to have a little rest. Why don’t you go and get something to drink.’ Sahara lay back into the bed.
‘Okay. Can we try and do a puzzle later?’
‘Oh sweetie, I don’t think so.’
‘But you…’
‘It’s okay. You’re okay.’ She took Joy into her arms. ‘Go and get a drink and I’ll see you in a little bit.’
Joy nodded, glanced at her mother a moment and then left the room.
At four forty five Sahara refused the next dose of morphine.
‘Are you sure?’ asked the nurse.
‘I am. I don’t need it.’ She smiled. ‘Could you ask Joy to come in please?’
‘Yes, of course.’
Joy walked into the room a few minutes later.
‘Hey.’ She beamed at her daughter.
‘Mummy, you look…happy.’
Sahara smiled. ‘I am darling. I’m happy.’
‘Does that mean you’re better?’
‘It means it’s time for me to go.’
‘What do you mean? You’re better. We did a drawing together, we laughed.’
‘Yes we did and that’s what makes me know that everything is going to be okay.’
‘Mummy?’
‘Mummy’s tired now. My body can’t stand the pain anymore and it’s time for me to finally rest. That doesn’t mean I don’t care or I’ll forget you, it just means that it’s time for me to let go.’
‘You’re dying?’ she cried.
‘Yes baby, I’m dying. Come here.’
Joy lay into her mother’s chest and cried. Sahara did her best to comfort her. If she could make herself stay she would, but she couldn’t. It was finally out of her control and it had to be accepted. Thirty minutes later, Eugene stepped in. He looked at the pair and his heart broke.
‘Could you ask Elodie to come in.’ She whispered.
He nodded and a few seconds later their nanny appeared.
‘Joy, why don’t you go and spend time with Elodie. She’ll take care of you now.’
‘I don’t want to go! I want to be with you.’
‘I know. I love you,’ she said. ‘I’m so tired, I really am.’ A tear drizzled down the side of her cheek. ‘I love you, baby.’
It took a while, but Elodie finally convinced Joy to leave Sahara. Eugene sat by her side and gazed at her. He ran a hand down the side of her cheek and smiled faintly.