Longing for Love

by Vicki Green

  “What the hell, Ma? Shouldn’t you be grieving and shit?”

  Her head swivels around and smacks me lightly on my arm. “Shhhh, Kane. Where’s Danie? You’ve really got to curb your language around her. Don’t you end up giving half your paycheck to the bad word jar as it is?”

  I reach up and scratch my head. They’ve all gone looney. “She fell asleep on the way over. She’s upstairs in bed.”

  “Oh, good!” She turns and walks towards the fridge, pulling out huge plastic pans and setting them on the breakfast bar. They seem to be endless. I walk over and start looking at all the food. “And how are you holding up, son?” I look up and shrug my shoulders. She lets out a big breath. “Everyone grieves in their own way. I’ve cried since it happened early this morning until my eyes are all dried up. God knows, Pop wouldn’t want us crying too long over him anyway. He’d rather us just be all together, enjoying each other. Family. Family is all he cared about.” She stops pulling out food and looks at me. “Bria went up to see Jenae and then stopped by with home cooked brisket, mashed potatoes and gravy, and some homemade rolls. She must have just cooked up a storm and then went to the hospital while the brisket cooked. Sweet girl.” Her eyes light up and grow wide. “You should invite her over. Caylan and Irish are going to stay here and eat. Betty’s here and Mimi will be over in a little bit to eat with us. She’s at home cooking up food too. So many of our neighbors already heard and brought over so much food along with people from our church.” How she can say all that without taking a breath, I’ll never know. Guess I don’t need to be as strong as I thought for her. She puts her hand down on the counter and grows serious. “Of course tomorrow is family day but I guess we’re having it two days now. But once Taren and Jenae are released from the hospital in the morning, we all need to talk about the businesses. You know we need to get that settled.” Then she turns abruptly and turns on the oven and starts putting pan after pan in there. Well as many as she can fit. “But today and tonight, we’re just going to eat and share memories of Pop. He’d like that. Why don’t you and Danie plan on spending the night. I’d love the company.”

  Okay. She’s either in shock or she’s really done crying and ready to move on? I’m so confused. Maybe I need a drink. While waiting for Ma to finish getting everything heated up, I walk into the living room and pour myself a shot of whiskey. Pop always had a small bar in the corner with everything you’d want, just like at our bar.

  “Where’s Bria?” Irish asks.

  I pick up the glass and slam it down, the burn down my throat much needed. I don’t even care that it’s not even lunch time yet. Fuck, I needed that. “I don’t know.” I pour another and slam it down, starting to feel the tingle of the alcohol as it slides through my body.

  “What do you mean, you don’t know? Didn’t you call her and tell her? Shouldn’t she be here? She’s family too.” Her voice is louder as she leans against the end of the small counter. I pour another. “You’re pushing her away. Aren’t you?” I slam it down, feeling the burn and the numbness. I look down, feeling her hand on my arm. “Kane. Don’t do this. You love each other. I’ve seen you light up when she walks into a room. I’ve seen the love in your eyes when you look at her. I’ve never, ever known you to be with only one woman, until her. You cherish her. How can you just walk away?”

  I slam the glass down on the counter and turn my head to her. “You don’t know what’s going on, Irish. Stop now. Things are complicated now.”

  “Why? Because Pop died? Kane….”

  She takes a step towards me and I take one towards her, my anger swelling in my alcohol induced state. “Irish. Leave it,” I growl.

  She stands firm, holding her head up. “Because of things changing in your life you’d abandon the one person that would do anything, give anything, for you?” Her eyes roam my face, a look of disgust on hers. “I feel sorry for you.” She lets out a small laugh. “I always used to look up to you, my big brother. I even thought at one time I was in love with you.” My eyes widen. My heart shoots up into my throat. “Silly girl that I was. But now, I’m glad that I found my true love but I do feel sorry for you, Kane. You’re letting your true love slip away because you can’t handle things when they get rough? I thought you were stronger than that.” She turns and starts to walk back to the kitchen but stops and turns her head, giving me a look of sorrow. I swallow, hard, still not able to push my heart back in place. “I was wrong. You’re not as strong as I thought.”

  I watch her walk out of the room, and I turn around, facing the counter. I pour another drink, a double, and drink it down in one gulp, hissing. My body begins to shake, my hand trembling around the glass. Is she right? Am I not as strong as I always thought I was? Pop’s gone. Danie’s upstairs sleeping, the light of my life. But is she the only light I have? Bria’s beautiful face enters my head, still remembering her warmth, how she felt in my arms. I drink another quickly then walk to the front door. I send Ma a text when I get in my truck. There’s something I have to do.

  Kane: Mom. Keep an eye on Danie. I need to go out.

  Chapter Twenty-two

  Bria

  I’ve left Kane alone, letting him grieve with his family. I feel so alone, having fallen in love with Pop myself in such a short time, him treating me as another daughter, yet I know he needs the time. Time to grieve. I wish he’d let me be there with him, for him. I’d gladly take some of his grief, wrap him up in my arms and expel what I could, take everything he wanted to give to me, bear it all for him. But he hasn’t talked to me, not really, only a few texts.

  I walk into the hospital, find maternity and ask for Taren’s room. The door is closed but a crack and I peek inside. Brock is walking back and forth holding his little bundle of joy and Taren’s asleep in the bed. My hand covers my stomach as I watch him rock her in his arms, the look of adoration on his face. Pride. Love. Awe. He turns around and starts across the room again and looks up, seeing me peering in. His eyes light up, a smile appears, and he crooks a finger at me to come in. Suddenly, I feel as if I’m intruding on a special moment. I walk in hesitantly and stop to look down at the most beautiful face I’ve ever seen. Her eyes are closed, a small button nose. She’s wearing a little cap, fit snuggly around her tiny head but wisps of black hair peeks out around the rim.

  “She’s beautiful,” I whisper, reverently. I look up at Brock, his smile grows. He offers her to me and I’m a little scared. “She’s so tiny.” He nods and offers again and I cradle my arms and watch as he places her carefully in them. She weighs nothing and I decide to walk over to a recliner in the corner of the room and sit down. I’m mesmerized by her. To think she’s this little person and that I’ll have one of my own one day – soon. “Hey, Jenae,” I whisper. Her eyes crack open as I rub my finger up and down her tiny arm. I stroke down to her little hand and I gasp then smile as she grabs my finger. “So strong like your mommy and your daddy.” I look up and see Taren’s eyes are open, her head turned my way. Her eyes glisten with tears but there’s a smile on her face. Brock walks over and sits down on the bed next to Taren’s legs and picks up her hand, kissing the back of it affectionately. “Brock, Taren, I’m so sorry about Pop.” He nods and runs his fingers through his untamed hair, the tears that were in Taren’s eyes are now sliding down her face.

  “Thanks. It just happened so suddenly. It’s hard to believe he’s gone.”

  Taren squeezes his hand, more tears running down her face.

  “Some say that when an older person dies, it’s to make room for a new life, a new beginning,” I whisper down at Jenae.

  “That’s beautiful, Bria.” I look up at Taren and smile.

  “Has Kane been up to see her yet?” I ask, hesitantly.

  Taren looks at Brock. “No. I’m a little worried about him. He hasn’t called you?”

  I let out a sigh. “I’m worried too. Only a few texts. I know he needs time.” I try to smile but don’t feel it.

  Brock looks at me, sadness filling his e
yes. “He does that, pushes people away, the ones he loves the most. This is new for him, both Pop’s death and you, even Danie.”

  Taren scoots up in the bed, leaning against the back board. “Give him time, Bria, but not too much. With Kane….” She looks at Brock and then at me. “He’s a hard one to figure out, at times. Hard headed, a mind of his own, but you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to him. Deep down, he knows that. Just…. Don’t give him too long though, keep reminding him that you’re still here, that you’re not going anywhere. I think he’ll need that right now. A lot’s gone on that he’s dealing with between having a girlfriend….” She smiles. “Someone he truly loves, finding out he has a daughter, and now losing someone so close to him for the first time.”

  I nod, taking a deep breath. “It’s a lot to deal with. I know.” Boy, do I know.

  I change the subject, my heart hurting too much to continue. I ask about Jenae’s birth and everything that happened. Both of them got excited, reliving the long night and morning over again. They look at each other with such love and I know that they will be so happy creating this life with their daughter. I’m almost envious of her, having two parents who love so deeply, pouring that love into their child. I stay for a little while longer then give Jenae to Taren and tell them I hope to see them soon. Once in my car, I check my phone for the hundredth time, my heart heavy to find no messages, no voicemails. By the time I pull onto my street, tears are streaming down my face. When I drive down my street, I notice Daddy’s car in my driveway. Once parked, I get out and see him open his car door, stepping out as I walk closer.

  “Daddy, what a pleasant surprise.” Not really pleasant.

  He walks to me, kisses my tear streaked cheek and follows me to the front door. Once I’ve unlocked the door, he enters behind me, and I walk straight to the kitchen, opening the fridge and get a bottled water. I turn and lift it, offering him one too but the bottle slips from my hand and onto the floor as I see him staring down on the breakfast bar. There sits my deepest, darkest secret. My stomach flips. My body stiffens and feel as if I may be sick. I look up and see him looking at me, disbelief in his eyes. “Is this yours?” I nod, slowly. “Who. Is. He?” His voice makes me cringe, anger, hatred, it all expels from him. “Brianna? Who in the hell is he?”

  I square my shoulders, lift my chin to him. “Kane Evans. I love him, Daddy, and he loves me.” Anger radiates from him and I cover my stomach protectively, instinctively.

  “That – that construction worker?” His voice bellows around the room.

  Again, I raise my chin in defiance. “Yes. He’s a hard worker for his family’s company. If you’d just get to know him you’d….” His hand slams down on the counter and I startle.

  “NO! You will not have his baby! You will not be with him! I forbid it!” He what? He walks around the counter and stands before me, his hands grasping my upper arms, and his face beet red in fury. “No daughter of mine will cohort with the likes of someone like him. We have a reputation to uphold, standards.” My anger now swells inside me. How dare he? How dare he act like I’m all of a sudden his daughter and not another employee whom he’s always treated me like all my life? How dare he think that of Kane? He’s the best person I know.

  I pull back but his grip doesn’t lessen. “Your daughter? You’ve always treated me like a hired hand, just another employee to make sure they get their job done to your satisfaction. I’ve haven’t been “your daughter” since Mother passed away.” He looks as if I’d slapped him, his grip tightens, hurting my arms. “What happened to you, Daddy? You used to really care about Charles and me. We all lost Mother. We all miss her.” He releases me so roughly, I stumble and hit my back against the fridge, wincing.

  He points his finger in my face. “Don’t you ever disrespect your mother’s memory like that again! I haven’t changed. I just have a head for business and I know how to make money.” He turns and walks a few steps then turns back towards me. “You will never see him again, Brianna.”

  I squint my eyes, lowering my brows. “Me? Disrespect her? I would never do that. But what are you saying, Daddy? Or what? Are you going to fire me as your daughter?” I say sarcastically.

  His nostrils flare and his hands ball into fists at his side. “If you insist on an ultimatum. If you continue to see him, have that….” His eyes move down to my stomach and my hand presses down, covering it more. “Baby…. you’ll leave me no choice but to fire you from the business and disown you.”

  It’s my turn to feel the slap of his words. I turn my head as if he’d physically slapped me and tears begin to well up in my eyes, but I refuse to cry. I stand up straight and glare at him. “Because I fell in love with the best person I’ve ever known and you deny me to be with him because of your “standards”, you’d disown the only daughter you have?” He looks down, almost ashamed. Almost. Then twisting the knife once again, he gives me a cold stare.

  “You’re not my only daughter.”

  My mouth drops open but nothing comes out. My knees buckle and I grab the counter for support. Not his only daughter? Not his only daughter. Janine. She’s always loved him. She couldn’t hide it with the way she looks at him. But a daughter?

  “I never wanted you to know but you’ve left me no choice.”

  No choice. Everyone has a choice. You either live with lies or share the truth. If you love someone, truly love them, you don’t keep things from them, you want to be one big happy family. A laugh bursts from my lips. He tilts his head in confusion. I laugh harder. “All this time, all these years, you’ve treated me as an employee because that’s what I really am to you. Aren’t I?” More laughs break free. “And all this time, all I wanted was to be loved by you, my father. I only wanted us to be a family again.” I bend over, wrapping my arm around my waist, laughing. Finally, I stop and stand, wiping the tears of laughter from my eyes. “And you already had another family. You’d replaced us.” My smile falls, nothing is funny any longer. “You make me sick. You’ve played with Charles’ and my feelings ever since Mother passed away and then twisted the proverbial knife into our fresh loss with having an affair with your secretary and having a daughter. How quaint?” I walk over to him slowly, his face still red with anger. “Tell me, Father. Just how well would your precious reputation be if I let it slip out about your little secret family? Hmmm?”

  My head snaps to the left when his hand slaps me across my face. I turn back to him slowly, my hand covering my face feeling the heat of his slap, and see his eyes have widened, his mouth open. “Get out.” I sneer.

  “Brianna, I….” He takes a step towards me, his hand reaching out. I step back, my arms wrapping around my waist.

  “GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” I scream. My face is hot, the left side stinging and my arms pulsing in pain. “NOW!”

  He turns and I slowly follow him, not wanting to get too close. He opens the front door, steps onto the porch, and turns to me. “You don’t have to worry about disowning me or firing me because I quit! I quit both jobs. Being your hired hand and being your daughter. Your first daughter.” His mouth opens, ready to speak when I slam the door in his face. I lock it quickly, turn around and start to cry, sliding down the door until I hit the floor. My arms still wrapped around me, my body racking with sobs as I think about all I’ve lost in just one day.

  My job.

  My Father.

  My love.

  My life.

  I cried and cried until I had no more tears. I don’t know how long I have been sitting here. My tears have dried on my face. My arms still wrapped around me as I stare out into nothing. The sound of my phone keeps ringing faintly from the kitchen but I can’t move. After a while, I push myself up and stand, dragging my exhausted body up the stairs. I run a hot bath, filling it with my lilac bubble bath and disrobe, not looking in the mirror. What am I going to do is the only thought that plagues my mind as I slide down into the creamy water. I lean my head back thinking about nothing. It hurts too much to think. I
don’t want to hurt anymore.

  By the time I get out of the water and dry off, all I want to do is climb in bed and sleep. I need my mind to go into darkness and let it take me away where I can’t think anymore. I put on my sleep pants and shirt, too tired to even brush my teeth, when I hear someone beating on my front door. Who could that be? I can’t take anymore today. Whoever it is, they’re persistent as they continue to beat on the door relentlessly. I grab my robe off the hook in my closet and push my bruised and sore arms through the sleeves as I walk downstairs.

  “Bria, I know you’re in there. I can see your car in the driveway.”

  Irish.

  I unlock the door and she practically falls into me, her fist still raised. “Irish?”

  She’s breathing heavy and leans down, putting her hands on her legs, trying to catch her breath. Finally, she stands and crosses her arms. “I’ve been calling you for over an hour, girl. I’ve been worried sick!”

  Love envelopes me and I give her a frown. “I’m sorry I worried you. I’m fine.”

  She starts to close the door behind her but Charles’ hand stops it from closing. “Gee, thanks, Irish. Did you forget I was right behind you?” He rolls his eyes and she shrugs.

  “Oops. Sorry.”

  Confusion sets in as he closes the door and they both walk in. I follow them to the kitchen and stop in the doorway as I watch Irish pick up the pregnancy test. Shit! I forgot to hide it. You’d think after what happened with Daddy, I’d have done something with it. I stare at it in her hands. The little piece of plastic causing so much trouble in my life. She turns to me with the biggest smile on her face.

  “You’re pregnant.” It wasn’t a question.

  I nod slowly and let out a gasp when suddenly I’m in her arms. “Oh, my God! I’m so excited and happy for you!” She squeezes me tighter and I wince, the soreness in my arms reminding me again what happened earlier when Daddy found my secret. Daddy. I don’t have a Daddy any longer. She pulls back and scans my face. Her smile turns into a frown. “You don’t look very happy.” I open my mouth to speak, not really sure what to say, when she turns and starts pacing the floor. “Dammit! I knew he would do this! Why in the hell is he so damn stubborn?” She looks at me and I start to shrug when she starts ranting again, throwing her arms up in the air as she starts pacing again. “I swear! Sometimes I just want to knock his stupid head off!” She stops suddenly and grabs the counter, letting out deep breaths.