Now that good lookin, young woman became that old man’s lover! You understand me? Do you understand? I don’t know how many times, but once is enough! Whatever he did, he musta done it right! I ask her if she knew what she was doing thinkin like that bout a old man. She said, “He may be old, but he was a good man, a honest man, reliable, kind, sweet, always kept his word,” stuff like that! Well I said to myself she had some sense to like a man like that, cause it was all true.
I thought like that til I went to bed that night and my mind could see through the dark to the truth and it hit me in the middle of my head that he was all those things … BUT a person can think you good cause they don’t know nothin bout you if you keeps your business to yourself! You can be honest, if you ain’t poor and don’t want nothing; new car, clean house, nothin! Reliable, if you don’t promise nobody nothin but little bitty things don’t take no time nor money, and kind, if you just smile and say nice things cause you ain’t givin nobody nothing that would make you mad if you don’t get it back. There was two sides to that coin and he was on both sides. Kept his word cause he never gave it if a thing was too big! I was proud of myself too, cause I had done some real thinkin! I was havin fun doing it too! I planned to tell Rayetta about it all, but before I got a chance to they musta talked bout marriage and he told her he was already happy. Chile, that 70 year-old man dropped that young fine woman, smart from the city! Well, didn’t drop her … he do anything she ask if she don’t ask too much. Wasn’t long before Rayetta laughed a little broken laugh and went on back home to the big city to people she could understand.
Just a little more time now our rolls be ready! I blieve I’ll send Lester some of these.
Anyway, where was I? Oh, at the end! Anyway, that Lester rambled round in my mind after she left. I thought to myself: He ain’t happy (or is he?) Ain’t nobody happy, ain’t spozed to be, if they are alone! He ain’t got chick or child to worry bout or leave all that money and property to. Just sittin on it! He close to dyin … sure ain’t gon get no younger! Rayetta was fun, clean, cooked nice, drank beer with him and all without being a drunk. I can’t stand a drunk woman! And he didn’t want her!
Well, when he came by one day (to ask about her, I could tell), I sat out on the porch and gave him some cake and lemonade and we talked. I looked him over real good and he wasn’t bad at all in his body, so I tried lookin in his mind. Now it ain’t no sense in beatin round the bush with the fellow who planted it so I said right out, “How come you ain’t never married, Lester?” He chewed awhile, lookin in his plate then up to the sky and finally said, “I blieve if you doin alright you ought to keep it thata way!”
I said, “Spose you could do better if you change?”
He grinned, “That’s somethin we don’t know, least I don’t know.”
I pushed, “Nobody know til they try!”
He said, “Well Mz. Walker, when I was growen up, my mama always fighten with my daddy til he left. I don’t want that.”
He thought that would shut me up. I went further, “Every woman ain’t your mama!”
He grinned. “That’s right. Every woman ain’t my mama.” Then he didn’t say nothing so I pushed on. “Seems to me a person would want to try something if he old enough to know what he’s doing.” I wanted to say something mean about his being a old fool but that’s as far as I could fix it.
He said, “Yea, if he know what he’s doing.”
I could see he was as far as he was going so I said, “And if he meet a nice person, who makes him happy, he ought to try to keep that happiness.”
Grinning again, he said, “Yea, a person sure should try to keep the happiness he finds.”
Now I understood part of his secret; see, he only gives you back what you give him … no more … so it’s like you talkin to yourself and he says it always with a smile so you got to think he nice! You understand? But I wanted more so I said, “Mr. Lester, you old enough now not to be afraid of life. You ain’t got nothin to lose by livin it til you die.”
He said (smiling), “Sure got to live it til I die.”
I said, “Oh shit! Mr. Lester, can’t you think for yourself?”
He looked at me. “I do … I think for myself … and I blieve I know what you gettin to.”
So I told him, “Well, get to it then!”
He said, “Mz. Walker, I am an old man!”
I said, “You wasn’t always old! You didn’t get married when you was 20 either!”
He said, “I was too poor.”
I said, “Well, you worked and got you some money and property, then what?”
He said (no smile), “Well, then I knew nobody wasn’t gonna want me just for myself! They gonna want my house or my money.”
I said, “That’s what you think of all the women was foolin with you?” Somehow his guard or somethin dropped cause he snapped, “That’s right! I ain’t never known a woman that wasn’t a huzzy deep down in her heart! Womens is dangerous! They lie! They ain’t got a serious bone in their body! They just want to dance, laugh and spend money. They are greedy people who want to come out the kitchen and sit like a lady in the livinroom! I ain’t gon let none of em make a fool of me! They woulda spent MY money on clothes and cars and furniture and trips and whatever all that women find to spend money on!” He wore himself out and clicked them foolish false teeth. I should have snatched em from his mouth and crushed em for lettin such words pass through em!
I whispered to him, “Some of those things might have made life worth living more.”
He whispered back, “Yea … theirs!”
I said (I could hardly believe I didn’t shut up and put him off my porch, but I was learning something), “Didn’t you meet some nice women in your church?”
He grinned, “Yes ma’m! Some nice women.”
I said, “Well? What about them?”
He said (with great pleasure), “While the lord was askin for my soul, they was askin for my pole! Scuse me ma’m, but you asked!”
I said, “You didn’t turn nobody down.”
He said, “I like to see folks happy! Some folks.”
I went on, feelin foolish myself, “But you didn’t want them to be too happy so you didn’t marry them, huh?”
He looked at me. “Lord knows, I don’t know nobody happy that’s been married—ceptin your husband (he remembered) and I don’t want none of that kinda life for myself.”
I couldn’t shut up. “I don’t know nobody happy who is single.”
He told me, “People don’t love people … they use people! I ain’t gonna be used! I was smart enough to get what I got and I’m gonna be smart enough to keep it!”
I said, “It’s more to life than money!”
He said, “What?”
I said, “Love, being together, helpin each other.”
He said, “Yea that’s what everybody want … help!” He stood up to go. I said, “You too smart for that, huh?”
He said, “Yea, like they say in the city … I am hep!” He laughed one of them cackling laughs that old men make when they think they said something smart. I knew then what his trouble was. I knew Rayetta and nobody else would have been happy WITH him. He gave no more than he received and sometimes not as much. Yes, I knew the answer. He was “hep” as they say in the city.
He went on down the stairs, all alone, smiling and talkin. I don’t know what he said cause I was lookin at him and thinkin bout him. He got into his raggity car, all alone, and when it didn’t start he got out, smiling, and lifted the hood and did something that started the car, all alone. Lookin up at me and waving good-by, all alone, and drove slowly down to the corner, all alone, and pulled into HIS driveway, all alone, and stepped out of the car, walked slowly up the path to HIS door, all alone, and went in, all alone. All alone in his dirty, junky house filled with second hand stuff that he don’t want to share with nobody.
NOW! Let’s you and me butter up some of these nice hot rolls and get a piece of that crispy hot chicken and so
me of that gravy! There’s some ice-cold lemonade in the ice box … and let’s eat!
Later on, maybe … I’ll fix up a few rolls for Mr. Lester cause I feel sorry for him and he can take them home and eat em, all alone. I don’t let him sit here with me anymore; let him be alone, alone. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t … cause you know what I think? Lester’s happiness depends a lot on what other people do for him … more than he knows. He is hep … TOO HEP TO BE HAPPY!
Lord! Ain’t these rolls good! My Lord! Have some more chile!
The Free and the Caged
THIS story started somewhere else until I discovered it had two beginnings, so I had to tell you this one also.
Having raised two children—a man and a woman now—and been married thirty years to the same man, Vilma was tired, tired, tired. She was far gone.
Her son, though raised as upper middle class and given every advantage such as college, etc, had chosen street corners, dope and wine and unemployment. She had to watch him when he came to the house because she knew he needed money and he would steal it from her and if not it, then something to get it with.
Her daughter, having the same advantage, chose to love someone, or several someones, who gave her babies, three now, all different colors. They had left her and she was being subsidized by the government each month. She often brought the kids to stay with their grandmother so she could go out and try to get another one that she would surely bring over in some future time. Vilma loved her grandchildren, but she was tired, tired, tired.
Then her husband, having his own little business that did quite well, had plenty time to fool around with other women, and this he did. Their sex life was out there in the street, left behind him at some other woman’s house. So Vilma was tired. Tired of the cooking, washing, cleaning, and shopping and paying bills and Christmas dinners, she cooked, Thanksgiving dinners she cooked and cleaned up after, everybody else gone off with their happy asses and she, mama, left alone in the middle of a mess of mess.
Consequently, though Vilma believed in God, she didn’t believe in Him enough for it to hold her together. Because she had heard so many loose-living people put the Bible down, she wasn’t sure, so she turned to other things like alcohol, cigarettes, pills for sleeping and best of all, books. But she was looking like hell about now. Too much alcohol was ruining her face, her skin, eyes and, well, it’s really poison, you know.
One day, Vilma got hold of one of these Bible aid books and, reading it, she realized she had always known, just never realized: her children were way past old enough to be responsible for themselves and had made all their own choices and she was not called upon to be there to hold a place for them to use when they needed it, and that her husband was an adulterer and she did not have to stay with him and suffer in this way.
It took about two weeks for Vilma to get her head clear and turn daydreams into plans (she noticed that with every plan her need for alcohol was less and soon she didn’t even need sleeping pills). Vilma went down to the lawyer’s and filed for divorce and went home. They advertised in another state for him because they didn’t know him, you know how a big city is, and after all the legalities were over, she went to court and got her divorce granted, though her husband never knew. Then she went to the bank and put half the money in an account of her own, traded her automobile, a new one with payments, on an older one with no payments—a little convertible so she could see more and not feel caged in. Packed her bag, wrote a note telling her ex-husband he could stay there until he heard from her, sent a copy to her lawyer. Then, hitting the highway, she decided to follow the sunrise, and did! The next year she followed the sunset and that’s where this other story begins.
* * *
The sound came before the car did and Jacob kept right on pruning his trees. Cars and people didn’t pass here often, but when they did, so what! He had his business to tend to. When the sound stopped in front of his house, he didn’t look up right away, just sighed and straightened up and looked toward the place where the sound had been. It was a neat little convertible with a new looking older woman in it. She smiled and the angels kind of sang.
“Evening!” She waved.
“Evening!” He returned as he wondered what she was doing on this road. It was off the main road and was seldom used. Since his wife had died two years ago and his son had moved to the city, there were few visitors.
“May I have some water, please? My car is hot and dry and I am hot and dry!” She smiled again.
“Sure.” He put down his pruning tool. “But you betta leave it running if you gonna put water in it!”
“Oh! She’ll be alright! I treat her right, she treats me right! Where’s the water?”
“You want inside water or outside water? Got a well round back.” He pointed up the driveway.
“Outside water, well water!” she smiled.
“Where you heading?” he asked as they walked toward the back of the fine old house through a clean orderly yard.
“Everywhere and nowhere!” She bounced the words over her shoulder.
“I mean, now?” he asked again, pleasantly.
“I do, too! I’m only here because I was following the sunset, it was so lovely and it’s almost gone, then the car got hot and dry and, you know the rest!” she ended as they reached the well. She helped herself, handling the bucket easily.
“Yeah, these days are hot!” he admitted.
“Hmmm, hmmm,” she agreed drinking water from the dipper.
“These nights are hot, too,” he mused, then realized she was a woman and really looked at her body for the first time. She was small-boned, but not thin. He guessed she was in her late forties or early fifties. Casual but neat, hair plainly pulled back and clipped, nice around her makeup-less face. She saw him looking and said, “Where’s your wife? In the house?”
“In heaven.” He looked up toward the sky.
“How you know she’s in heaven?”
“She was a good woman, a good person, a good wife. Where your husband?” A hint of humor in his voice.
“In hell, whether he’s living or dead!” She put the dipper down. “I just decided to leave.”
“Hadda been me, I wouldn’t of let you go!” He smiled.
“He didn’t ‘let’ me go, I just did!” She took the water can he handed her.
“A divorce?” he pursued.
“Who cares?” she laughed. “I’m free! For the first time in my life, FREE! And enjoying it! Wanting more of it! I will never bind myself to anything or anybody again!” Her eyes met his as she spoke and he was looking so intently at her, her laughter melted into the breeze. She looked at the sky. “I better hurry, it’s getting dark fast!” Turning to go, she noticed the little cottage under the trees.
“Who lives there?” she asked.
“Nobody. My son used to like to stay there. He’s gone now living in the city.” He slapped at a mosquito flying near her.
“Can I see it? Will I hold you up? You don’t have to walk with me, I don’t want to keep you from your work.” She said all these things as she set the water can down.
“So what?” he answered, smiling and started walking toward it.
It was lovely, shady and cool at the cottage under all these tall pine and fat Sycamore trees, leaves floating here and there, and the sound of huge limbs loaded with leaves waving and rustling in the wind. Vilma looked up for the birds she knew were there and when she found them, she loved the house. It was as simple as that. Sometimes she longed for a home, like this one, away and free like she was, all by itself.
He saw her face and her joy in the cottage and realized he was enjoying her company, any company.
“It’s dark,” he said, “you going far?”
“I don’t know. I’ll have to find somewhere to sleep!” Her jubilance returned.
“You like this cottage? Sleep here!”
“Oh, I’d love to!” she cried, “but I can’t pay you much.”
“So what? Don’t pay m
e nothin!”
She looked him dead in the eye. “Nothing means nothing!”
“So what! House just sitting here. Clean! I’ll get you some sheets and you make the bed and brush up a little, it be alright. Ain’t nothing gone bother you out here … and that ole kerosene lamp is full, give you all the light you need!” He remarked to himself he was sure saying a lot of words.
“I know it, I love it!” She almost clapped her hands, then held herself serious. “But I’m serious. If you don’t take the little bit of money I can offer you, there is nothing else I can give you.” She looked him straight in the eyes again.
“So what?” He waved his hand at her. “I’d like to have somebody out here again. Maybe you’ll stay to breakfast in the morning. I’m a good cook and we can talk some!” He started out the door. “I’ll get the sheets and bring you some fresh water.”
“I’ll get the water!” She did clap her hands. “And I’ll get my things out of the car.” She went past him. “And don’t worry, I’ll leave it neat and clean in the morning!”
A Piece of Mine Page 9