Eventually I couldn't hold myself back. I messaged her once I heard that all of our friends were going to the lake and she was bringing him! This was not supposed to work out like this. She was supposed to see that he wasn't me and walk away. I was ready for her damn it, but I still held out hope. They hadn't been together that long and we had history on our side. Well, not so much of a good history but what we had was irreplaceable. I waited for a response. Anything would have been better than nothing. I wanted her here. I wanted her to be mine. I wanted what I should have always claimed and not been a fool and taken it for granted. Well guess what? You don't have to guess because you already know. She never sent me anything.
It was awhile after that, that I got a text from Bryan saying he was coming back in town. I knew this was going to be my moment, if she didn't bring the douche bag that is. Mike told me they were getting serious and it only fueled me to get her to be here with me. Now I know you think the only reason I wanted her was because I lost her and she moved on. You are soooooo wrong. She had always been what I needed and she will always be the only thing I need, or so I thought. Keep with me here, you will find out what I mean.
I didn't go straight to the bar like I told Mike I would. As I drove back into town, I messaged Sadie and told her I would be waiting at her work. When I got there I thought I was going to throw up. Never would I have imagined I could be so nervous but I had so much to lose. I got out of my car and just stood there looking into her shop. When I saw her walking toward the door I actually started to shake. It was when she looked up in my direction and then turned and went back inside that all hope was lost. She didn't want me. It was clear. I stood there trying to figure out what I was going to do. I planned my whole future with her in it. Just then something caught my eye. She was coming back out! My pulse rate shot through the roof. She slowly made her way toward me and all I wished for, was she would run and jump in my arms. That as you all know didn't happen either. I said hello to her and her only response was "Hey". I don't know why I was hoping for more. I had put her through hell and this was my punishment.
When she explained that she had forgotten her phone and not that she walked back in because she saw me, lifted my level of hope a little. God, did she look beautiful. She was an angel walking the earth and I desperately needed her to understand why I left. I couldn't help but ask her why she never did respond to the message I had sent her. That's when the Sadie I knew all too well surfaced. She would always be strong when she needed to be. And boy, she came at me with fire in her eyes. But what she said was pure Bullshit!
I came there for her. Bryan being back in town just gave me the excuse I needed to get through to her. I was ready to spill it all until she said, "the one person who made me feel I was worth something threw me away."
I couldn't move fast enough. I grabbed her and forced her to look me in the eye when I said, "don't you ever for one single second think I threw you away, I saved you." And I did. She has no idea how I could have drug her down with me. After everything Jim had done to her, I refused to damage her more. I would have broken her. But by the look of things, she felt that I already had. She stayed strong, telling me how she's with the Ash guy now and she just wanted to be friends, but I knew better. I could see it in her eyes. She was fighting it pretty well but we still had something and it was boiling between us. Sadie quickly determined it was time to go. She wouldn't even ride with me. She walked to her car, got in and drove away.
I stood there a couple of seconds longer, allowing the tears to fall from my eyes again. No-one was around to see but I didn't care if they were. I used to think that crying was for sissies, that was before I learned what pain truly felt like and the only way to let it out was to shed tears. I had done way more damage to her than I ever thought but at the same time, she gained strength and I could see it. She was building a wall to protect herself from me and I needed to tear it down.
I got back in my car and drove back to the place that consumed so much of my time while I lived here. Sadie must have driven slowly because I found myself pulling in to the parking lot right behind her. I met up with her at her car and offered to help her out but she refused. I begged her to hear me out but she refused that also. I once again held back as she walked away from me for the second time that night.
Walking in almost felt strange. I knew they would all be at one of the tables in the back so I headed toward them. As I approached, I saw she was talking to Marissa and heard her say, "Colt is.."
So to make her aware of my presence I finished her sentence telling her, “Right here. How are you doing Marissa? It’s good to see you again”.
When Marissa didn’t know I had moved Sadie made it a point to tell her. That’s when I figured out she was mad because I left, but that couldn’t be it, right? She knew I was leaving. We had talked about this, she understood that we were all graduating and moving on. She was acting like she was so uncomfortable around me, which I couldn’t figure out. We hadn’t got in a fight, argument, nothing to warrant this behavior. Unless, she was trying to turn off her feelings for me and I was determined to figure that out.
We got to talk with everyone for a little bit but then she was running away to get a drink. Of course I went with her, come on people, I needed her to let me explain. We took a couple of shots and I desperately needed the alcohol to calm my nerves. I somehow was able to tell her how much I missed her. Only then did she soften her shell and admit she missed me too. We were finally getting somewhere. Everyone was having fun but I couldn't take my eyes off of Sadie for long. She was just magical to me. Watching her dance and laugh took me back to when things were easy between us. It was good to see all of our friends again but truthfully, I just cared about one girl, and I needed to get her back. Everyone eventually left and it was just the three of us. It kind of reminded me of the first night I met her. Mike, Sadie and I hung out for a little while before Mike bailed again.
Sitting there with her was euphoric in a sense. My beautiful Sadie, was here with me, right where she should be. We talked, laughed and everything was feeling so right in the world that the next thing I knew, I was kissing her with everything I had in me. She felt just the way I remembered. The kiss led to her hands sliding over my hard on. She moaned which practically had me ready to explode and then...... "Stop, Colt, Stop". I heard her but I couldn't lose what I was feeling. She was mine and I needed more from her, like I needed my next breath. Until, "STOP!" came from her and it jolted me from my version of heaven.
One second she was with me, the next she was running out of the bar. I ran after her, but she was determined to not be caught. She pealed out in the parking lot and immediately I was scared to death. What happened? And now she was driving away. I had to talk her out of her panic. She was right there with me and I knew she felt what I did.
I called her but she didn't answer. I continued to call and call, I got nothing. Eventually I sent her a text telling her how sorry I was, how I loved her with all of my heart. That if she would just hear me out, I knew we could get through this. We had gotten through so much already. How her kiss brought me to my knees and just how much I wanted her to come live with me. I promised to never let her go again.
I know I put it all out there on a text message, which was pathetic. But she never gave me the chance to tell her myself. I tried calling her again after I sent it, but when she refused to answer I gave up. I sat in my car for nearly an hour, wondering what the hell I had done to my life. I asked myself, should I go to her house or just go back to Mike's and wait to hear from her. In the end I did both. She wasn't home and I know that because I waited outside her place for another hour and a half. Eventually I got tired and headed back to Mike's house.
When I walked in he was still awake which surprised me. He asked me how it went and I just lost my shit. I spilled everything that happened. I didn’t even care that I looked like a pussy to him. I was so screwed up inside and I didn't have my best friend to help me pick up the pieces because sh
e was the reason this time. Add to it, she wasn't speaking to me. Mike helped me understand that she was happy with whatever his name is. Yeah I know, its Ash. I just hate saying it. He wasn't trying to be a asshole, he just wanted me to see that messing with her head, if I wasn't serious about following through, would be the biggest dickhead move ever. I understood what he was saying. I loved her, more than anything, but maybe giving her some space to figure out what she wanted on her own was best. She knew how I felt now and it was up to her to make up her mind.
Chapter 14
I didn't try to contact her at all the next day. I drove home miserable that she hadn't tried either. It wasn’t until the following day that I got my heart out of my chest. I will never forget answering that call from Mike. Sadie had been in a car accident and was seriously hurt. She hadn't woken up yet and it had been two days. Two Days! That meant it happened that night.
I ran out of my house without even closing the door behind me. My car couldn’t go fast enough. It felt like years had passed before I was pulling up to the hospital. I have never in my life been so scared. I ran in through the doors, begging the woman working the information desk for a room number. After ten minutes of her taking her time I was waiting for the elevator. I felt something hit my cheek and only then did I realize I was crying. I tried wiping away each one that fell but I couldn't keep up. I heard the sound of the elevator doors opening but I didn't move. A little lady grabbed my arm and led me in.
"It will be okay son. Whatever happens, remember God has a plan and life goes on." Her comment would eventually mean so much more to me than I could have ever known at the time.
In that moment the only life I was concerned with was Sadie's. Did I cause this? If I wouldn't have pushed her back to me, would she be okay and not laying in a hospital bed fighting for her life? I kept questioning if I should just leave and never come back. Before I could make up my mind, I was standing in front of her door. What snapped me out of my blur was Sadie's mother. She walked over and took my hand, leading me into the room and ending my journey at her bedside. I lost my breath. My beautiful girl was laying there with tubes coming out of everywhere and her head was wrapped. I lost myself in that moment. I heard a noise that even frightened me until I realized I was the one that produced it. My sobbing became uncontrollable. My body was shaking and I couldn't stop. What had I done? I looked up at her mother and she too was crying. I had nothing to offer her but an apology and then I was walking out of the hospital and away from all the destruction I had brought on.
The next few weeks I kept in close contact with Mike. He told me how she had woken up and then was released. That she was moving in with that asshole and there was nothing anymore I could do, she was his. I hung up on him the last time we talked. How could he tell me that? Did he not understand? Or maybe selfishly it was me that refused to understand, looking back on it now. But I had to try one last time. When Mike texted me that it was moving day, I bolted out of my house after grabbing the one thing I had bought that could change it all.
Driving to her house, I went over exactly what I would say and do. I just needed her to be there for it to work out.
When I pulled into the space in front of her house, everything I had planned went to shit. I can't say it was nerves. No, that would mean I was doubting my decision. It was more like fear. Fear of rejection, loss, pain, all of it. I was going into battle with an unknown opponent. I had no idea what he had said or done for her. I just had to rely on the fact that her heart was still mine. Or at the least I knew I still owned a part of it.
Walking up the step brought on a whole new sense of dread. What if she looked me in the eye and said, "Go away"? Before I lost my nerve, I was pushing open the door. She wasn't in the family room or kitchen when I looked. All of the sudden she came up the stairs, rounded the corner and stopped, staring right at me.
"Hey there beautiful"
"Uh, hi."
"So you’re really going to do this huh?"
"If by this, you mean move, then yes I am."
"Sadie, please don't. Please hear me out before you make this choice."
"Colt, I....."
Before I began I took a deep breath. And then came....
"I love you. I have always loved you. I will always love you. You and me, we somehow together make sense. We always have. There is something between us that is special. You will never find it with him or anyone else. Not like what we have together. Trust me, I am older than you. I have met so many more people in my life. No-one had ever made me feel the way that you do, no one ever could. You make me feel alive and so fulfilled."
I couldn't believe I was finally getting to let all this out. I had bottled up so much and even with the fact I was crying my heart out, I kept going.
"I didn't want you to not experience life. The only thing I felt I robbed myself of was the one the thing I wouldn't take from you. I wanted you to have those years, to make choices and mistakes. To meet and experience other people, but in the end I had faith the no matter how hard I pushed you away, what we had between us wouldn't break. It still hasn't. Sadie, I was there the night of your accident remember. I was on the other end of that kiss. You can push me away and tell me you don't feel for me what you did, but I your lying to me and yourself. I felt it. I don't know why you are so hell bent on denying that what we have is still real and alive but it is. I'm so in love with you Sadie. You will always be my girl, my everything. Let me give you everything. Let me make you the happiest girl in the world."
It was then that I dropped down to one knee and pulled out the ring. I had spent pretty much everything I had on it, but I knew it was perfect for her as soon as I saw it.
"Let me make you my wife. I want to hold you in my arms forever. I will never let you go again. I will take care of you and give you everything you have ever wanted. I want to make babies with you. I want to have a piece of our love in my arms to hold. I want forever with you. Please my beautiful girl, make me the happiest man in the world and be my wife."
I stayed down for as long as I could take it. When she didn't respond, I got up and walked over to her and looked her in the eye.
"Colt, I can't believe this is happening. You have always felt this way? Why didn't you say anything? Why did you leave?"
So many valid questions, some I had answers to, other not so much.
"I never wanted to make you feel like you didn't have a choice. By not admitting my feelings, I knew you were with me because you wanted to be. Every minute of every day we were together, it was because you wanted to be. As far as me leaving? Ash is the answer to that. I knew about him. I wanted you to see that life with someone else was different than what we have. I couldn't stay here to bear witness to it though. I asked you to come visit me so I could tell you everything and beg you to stay. I want you there with me. When you didn't respond to my message and then Bryan came into town, it was the perfect opportunity. That night I didn't force you to choose. We came together like we always have, because we just fit."
I hoped she understood my reasons. I prayed that she would accept all of my mistakes and understand that I was not perfect but I could be for her. I would make sure to do everything just to see her smile. I was through with doubting anything in life other than what her answer was going to be. I was just finishing my thought when she began to speak again.
"Colt, I have always wanted this to happen. Having an US was always my dream. This is just too hard to process all at once. I have Ash now. I just don't know what I want anymore, is that wrong?"
How could I possibly tell her she was anything but right, even if it did hurt?
"No beautiful, it’s not at all. I was of course hoping that it would be easy, that you would throw yourself in my arms and scream "YES" at the top of your lungs. But that's not real life. I didn't give you all of that time to force you now to make a decision. You have every right to think about this. Take your time, just know at the end of the day I will be waiting here for you always."
/> When I finished saying what I felt I had to say, not what I wanted, I walked over to her and kissed her. It had been so long since I had felt those lips. I missed them and her so much. I meant everything that I said, and could only hope it would be enough for her to choose me. I broke the kiss and then turned and walked back out the door.
I got in my car but had nowhere to go. I called Mike but when he answered he reminded me that he was out of town. With all of my thoughts wrapping around Sadie ,I had completely forgot. I drove around, wishing any of the guys still lived around there. Eventually I just ended up back at '51' and you all know how that ended huh?
Chapter 15
When she walked in my face lit up. I couldn't wait to pull her to me and kiss those lips all over again. That never happened.
"Colt, you are so amazing. You're everything I thought I wanted. That's even wrong. You're everything I needed at the time. You were my support, my rock, my best friend, my sex God. There wasn't anything you weren't, except for mine. We made a foolish agreement. For Two Years. That is a long time. Even then, the last time I slept with you Colt, with that stupid agreement intact. I know you were telling me that you loved me. You let me feel everything you had in you. And you still left. Why wouldn't you have asked me to go with you then? I would have. I'm not trying to say this is your fault. Do you have any idea how many times I thought about confessing my feelings? I failed too. I'm not saying we couldn't have worked. What I need you to understand is that I have to see where Ash and my story goes. He and I deserve a real chance. He loves me Colt. You told me that I would never find what we have, and you were right. What I have with Ash is so different, but it is just as special. I owe it to Ash and myself to give it my best shot. Can you understand it’s not that I don't love you but because I'm in love with him?"
Affliction (Finding Solace) Page 5