by Marie Forleo
Since watching that first video, I got my GED and a bachelor’s degree in legal studies, and now I’m a single mother in LAW SCHOOL maintaining a full-time job as a communications director at a major global bank.
I participate in a global leadership development program and have become the regional leader in my company’s diversity and inclusion network for African American employees nationwide.
Everything is figureoutable. There are so many steps that led me here, but HOPE inspired by Marie’s video reminded me that nothing was impossible when I needed to hear it the most. I can’t imagine where I’d be if I hadn’t come across Marie that day, but I am deeply grateful that I did. I share this concept with my team every day!
—AVELYN
MASSACHUSETTS
5
How to Deal with the Fear of Anything
Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.
Attributed to Marie Curie
Josh and I were on Salina, a beautiful island off the coast of Sicily where the best way to get around is by scooter. I hadn’t ridden a scooter for at least twenty years, but I was excited to get back on one. It was a blazing hot day in July, so I was wearing shorts as we walked from our hotel over to the scooter rental joint. Despite my heritage, my Italian is not stellar, and the owner of the rental shop didn’t speak much English. Using Google Translate and our best pantomime, I understood her primary question: “Are you familiar with riding scooters?” My response: “No. Please show me everything.”
She proceeded to give me a brief tutorial. Essentially, she showed me the simple throttle-turning motion, “like-a dis to give ah-gas-ah” and a squeeze of the handles “like-a dis to brake-ah.” Sounds easy enough. Facile.
I strapped on my helmet, turned the ignition, and got ready to ride off into paradise. What I didn’t realize was that the right lever was the brake for the front wheel and the left lever was the brake for the back wheel. I’m still not quite sure how I managed to do this (such a genius), but I gassed it (hard), panicked, and squeezed both brakes at the same time.
In under three seconds I zoomed, crashed, flipped, and landed on the asphalt with bare knees and a 250-pound scooter on top of me. Thank God there were no cars coming. Josh and the folks from the rental place heaved the scooter upright and pulled me to the side of the road. Miraculously, I didn’t break any bones. I wasn’t bleeding. I was just shaken up and engulfed by a tidal wave of shame and embarrassment. What a total idiot.
Understandably, the owner didn’t want me back on the road. She offered Josh a bigger scooter so I could relax and ride on the back of his. At that moment, I had a choice to (A) take it easy and be the passenger or (B) get my ass up, climb back on, and learn to ride without killing myself or anyone else.
I chose B. Here’s why.
You never get stronger if you only do easy things. I didn’t want fear to calcify in my bones. I refuse to energetically shrink down into a smaller, less capable me. Just because I made a mistake and messed up didn’t mean I was going to give up.
So I took a deep breath and got back on the scooter (yes, I was still shaking). But this time, in painstaking detail, I had everyone explain to me exactly what to do and what not to do. Very slowly, I tried again. Then I did little test runs up and down a side road. By the end of the day, I was able to zip around the island with relative ease. Within a few days, I was having the time of my life.
Here’s something you can never hear enough: we all wipe out. Physically, emotionally, creatively, financially, socially—everyone does dumb shit. It’s inherent to the human growth process. But here’s the key: a fall is never final unless you stay on the ground.
You might have heard that “fear” is the acronym for False Evidence Appearing Real. Or maybe you roll with the cheeky edition: Fuck Everything and Run. I prefer the more actionable version: Face Everything and Rise. Let’s take a closer look at fear and the multitude of ways we can metabolize, manage, and mitigate it as we continue on our figureoutable journey.
THE F-WORD YOU NEED TO EMBRACE
Thank God for fear. If it didn’t exist, we’d all be dead.
In this chapter, we’re not talking about the fear that keeps us alive (e.g., fear of standing in front of a speeding train). We’re talking about fear that keeps us small and stuck. Fear is one of the most misunderstood F-words. Left unexamined, it’s a dream killer. A soul squelcher. The grand maester of mediocrity. If this were Family Feud and Steve Harvey asked, “What stops us humans from achieving our highest potential?” survey says fear would take the top spot.
Guess what? Everyone feels afraid. Every top artist, athlete, writer, performer, parent, businessperson, social activist, entrepreneur, scientist, and military leader. Newbies to icons. Every person you know and admire. They all experience fear on a regular basis. You’re not broken or weak if you’re afraid. You’re human.
But this begs the question: Why does fear paralyze some people while others move through it? This one ability is what separates those who aspire from those who achieve. In this chapter, you’re going to become part of the latter group. Fear, like everything else, is figureoutable.
And figure it out you must, because no matter what you want to explore, change, or overcome, fear will surface throughout your journey. The good news is that unexamined fear is like unmined gold. It contains riches for those wise and patient enough to pan through the dirt.
Obviously, it’s impossible for me to know what specific fear is holding you back.* Even if I did, there’s no one-size-fits-all approach that works for every person in every situation. Fear comes in many flavors and intensities, from sweaty palms and knotty tummies to nightmare scenarios in your head to full-blown phobias. Add to that, we all have our own pet names for fear—concern, stress, anxiety, panic, terror, and stage fright, just to name a few. Finally, we each bring our own unique and layered emotional history into the mix, from childhood trauma and teenage humiliation to a tapestry of emotional experiences accumulated throughout our adult lives. All this is to state the obvious: fear is complex and multifaceted. Which is why it’s the sole focus of many outstanding books, courses, and therapies.
Transforming your fear is more art than science. Different approaches work for different people. Which is why you should mix, match, and experiment with the following suggestions. They’re a blend of cognitive, emotional, and somatic strategies that can transform any fear into productive, creative fuel. I’ve used and taught them over the years, so I know all of them work when used in good faith. Let’s begin with an important paradigm shift.
FEAR IS NOT THE ENEMY
There are very few monsters who warrant the fear we have of them.
André Gide
Our first and biggest mistake is that we’ve turned fear into the enemy. A big, burly, malignant monster standing between us and our dreams. But what if this idea is not only wrong, but doing us more harm than good? What if we’ve been taught to believe a disempowering story about this natural emotion that’s actually designed to serve us, not stop us?
Fear is an evolutionary response that kept our ancestors from being eaten by tigers. These days, that same instinct prevents us from walking into ongoing traffic. Helpful, to say the least. But fear is always helpful if properly understood.
Your fear doesn’t need to be “crushed” or annihilated. It needs to be listened to and appreciated for the gift it offers. Think about an infant who wails in her crib or a dog who incessantly barks. They’re trying their best to communicate something, they just don’t have the language skills to articulate it.
The same is true with fear. Fear communicates using the only tool she has: the ability to make you feel. When you sense her presence, she’s sounding a compassionate alarm. She’s doing her best to get you to pay attention. This subtle yet important distinction wi
ll help you put down your combat gear and, instead, meet your fear with open arms and a smile.
Fear is not the enemy. Waiting to stop feeling afraid is.
One more time, because it’s critical. Fear is not the enemy—waiting to stop feeling afraid is. Spending too much time trying to “defeat” or “eliminate” your fear will only keep you stuck. Fear will be your companion as long as you’re alive. It doesn’t matter how much experience, success, or fame you acquire. You will always feel fear. Don’t get seduced into thinking some magical day will arrive when you no longer feel afraid and only then will you be ready to act. That’s not how it works. Action is the antidote to fear. Action metabolizes it. The trick is allowing yourself to feel fear while you take action.
Make the call, even if your pits are sweating. Speak up, even if your voice shakes. Ride the scooter, even if your body trembles. Raise your rates, even if it makes you want to hurl. Send your pitch deck, even if your tummy is in knots. Have the difficult conversation, even if it makes you squirm. Doing the thing is far easier than the terror we inflict upon ourselves by stressing over it in our heads. The fastest way out of our fear is through it.
Fear is healthy if it inspires you to act. If the fear of losing custody of your kids gets you clean and sober, say thank you. Fear guided you back to love. If the fear of being suffocated under a pile of debt inspires you to get your financial act together, say thank you. Fear gave birth to freedom. If the fear of having a fatal heart attack before your grandkids graduate helps you eat more veggies, say thank you. Fear just gave you a longer, healthier life.
Fear is your ally. She’s a caring messenger and supportive friend—and she’s always got your back.
FEAR IS YOUR SOUL’S GPS
Most misunderstandings in the world could be avoided if people would simply take the time to ask, “What else could this mean?”
Shannon L. Alder
Nine times out of ten, our fear is directive. It’s a signpost, pointing us in the exact direction our soul wants to go.
How do you know if your fear is directive (as opposed to keeping you alive)? One sign is if you can’t get a certain idea out of your heart or mind. No matter how hard you try, it keeps popping back. Ideas like taking singing lessons, opening a bakery, writing a children’s book, moving across the country, learning Spanish, running for local office, saving or ending a relationship—you know, any number of delightful or risky creative endeavors.
Anytime you imagine moving toward that idea, you may feel afraid. But fear doesn’t speak with words, she’s doing her best to send a message by making you feel. And this is where we often get it wrong. We interpret any fear-like sensation to mean, “Danger. Stop. Don’t move ahead.” On cue, the voice in our head rattles off a list of rationalizations designed to keep us away from the perceived danger:
Are you NUTS? Just don’t.
You’re way too old for that.
You’re too young—who’s going to take you seriously?
Can’t you just be grateful for what you have?
Your time has passed. Accept it.
You have NO clue how to start.
You’re not focused enough.
You’ve got zero follow-through.
You’ll wind up in massive debt.
You’ll get torn apart online.
You can’t afford this.
You’ll ruin everything you’ve worked so hard for.
Stay in your lane.
You don’t have the talent.
Everyone’s done it already. Way better.
What a stupid idea.
The result? We take no action. Zero growth occurs. Comfort zone intact.
But what if we misinterpreted the signal? What if fear’s message wasn’t “Danger” but “DO IT!” Fear was jumping up and down, waving her hands and causing the biggest ruckus she could: YES! YES! YES! This is important!! Go ahead—do THIS thing! Fear did her job and sent her signal. It was our interpretation that was off.
In his game-changing book The War of Art, Steven Pressfield writes:
The more scared we are of a work or calling, the more sure we can be that we have to do it . . . Therefore the more fear we feel about a specific enterprise, the more certain we can be that that enterprise is important to us and to the growth of our soul.
From this perspective, our fear is supportive and directive, not shameful or weak. Certainly not something to ignore. In fact, we should appreciate the fact that we’re getting such clear, visceral guidance. We’ve tapped a vein of gold. Think about it. If an idea in your heart invokes that much visceral reaction, doesn’t it mean there must be something worth exploring?
Just because your soul wants to pursue something doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy. I guarantee it won’t be. Check the control panel, put on your crash helmet, and strap yourself in. You’re going on an adventure. Expect joy, tears, surprises, confusion, stumbles, and plenty of breakthroughs (and breakdowns) along the way. The figureoutable philosophy doesn’t promise a life free from pain, just one free from regret.
When you know in your bones that, no matter what comes your way, you’ll be able to figure it out, taking risks becomes a lot less scary. In fact, saying “Everything is figureoutable” out loud is an effective tool for talking yourself off the ledge of self-doubt. Repeat it like a sacred mantra. (I do.) It calms your nervous system and focuses your mind.
Everything is figureoutable.
Everything is figureoutable.
Everything is figureoutable.
You might say: “But what about the very real fear of not being able to pay my rent or making a stupid, irreversible mistake that ruins the rest of my life—and maybe the lives of people I love?”
Great question. Here’s how we take direct aim at those.
FEAR TAMING 101
If a fear cannot be articulated, it can’t be conquered.
Stephen King
One reason our fears become so debilitating is that they’re vague. We don’t slow down enough to thoroughly question them or assess their probability—so we have no idea how likely they are to come true. Nor do we have a practical plan to respond if they do. It’s the equivalent of closing our eyes, sticking our fingers in our ears, and screaming, “LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!”—in hope that our fears will magically disappear on their own. Avoidance doesn’t extinguish your fear, action does.
Here’s what to do instead. Write down the worst, worst, worst-case scenario that could possibly happen if you move ahead with this exciting-yet-fear-inducing idea. Dig into it. Next, rate it on a scale of one to ten in terms of the likelihood that this worst-case scenario will occur, with one being improbable and ten being it’s practically guaranteed to happen. Finally, imagine the worst-case scenario—your worst nightmare—does indeed come true. Then what? Write down an action plan for how you’d recover, rebuild, and get back on your feet.
I did a simplified version of this when I started my business. My worst-case scenario was total failure and humiliation. In practical terms, I wouldn’t make enough money to sustain myself. I’d waste years of my life on a failed venture. I’d be the laughingstock of my friends and would disappoint my family. I’d spend the rest of my life bartending and doing odd jobs.
I challenged myself to go even further. What if that worst-case scenario happened and things got so bad that I lost my bartending job, too? What then? I realized that my ultimate fear was losing everything and not being able to support myself. I imagined what it would be like having no money, no job, and no place to live. That was the worst of the worst for me, being ashamed, alone, broke, and homeless.
Now if that worst-worst-worst-case scenario actually happened, what could I do to recover? What was my action plan? Here’s what I came up with.
I’d pound the pavement until I found another job—any job.
I’d live with f
amily or friends until I got back on my feet (something I actually DID have to do).
I’d go to a shelter or find some other way to rebuild my life, no matter how hard it was or how long it took.
You know what? I could live with that.
Then I flipped the script and wrote down my best-case scenarios. I imagined all the potential benefits I might gain from moving forward. Here are some of the payoffs I imagined:
Joy and happiness from doing what I was born to do.
Fulfillment from making a positive difference to others.
Financial freedom.
The ability to take care of my family and friends.
Resources to give to others and causes I believe in.
A platform to support social change.
A chance to collaborate with people I admire.
Freedom to live anywhere I want.
Travel and adventure.
Nonstop learning, growth, and creativity.
Living regret-free.
Boom. Even if I experienced a fraction of that list, I’d die happy. While I knew absolutely nothing was guaranteed, the potential upside far outweighed my worst-case scenarios.
If you’re legitimately afraid to move forward with an idea, take fifteen minutes to do this exercise now. Don’t just think about it in your head. Articulate it on paper. Write down the absolute worst thing that could possibly happen and what that would mean to you—mentally, emotionally, and financially. Is it a matter of losing money? Shattering an ego or reputation? Could you lose your job or business? Disappoint family or loved ones? Ask yourself, “Okay. Now what’s the worst thing possible if that happened?” Keep going until you get to the absolute worst thing you can possibly imagine. The place where you hit rock bottom. Next, on a scale of one to ten—one being unlikely and ten being guaranteed—what’s the probability of that very worst-case scenario actually happening? Then, write the exact steps you could take to get back on your feet.