by Marie Forleo
My work certainly isn’t for everyone. It’s only for creative badasses, like you.
Fact: The more you care about what others think, the more they own you.
It’s not your job to like me, it’s mine.
Byron Katie
Why should the way you feel depend on the thoughts in someone else’s head?
Never give anyone the power to control your emotions. Not your parents. Not your spouse. Not your siblings or friends or coworkers or even your kids. Definitely not your politicians. And especially not randos on the internet. Realize that people can say whatever they want, but you do not have to take it in or give the power to ruin your day. Eleanor Roosevelt said it best: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
Your time on this planet is precious. YOU are precious. Think about it this way: Would you allow someone to walk into your house, squat in your living room, and take a hot, steaming dump on your rug, and then walk out, leaving you to clean it up? I hope not. When you hear nasty, baseless criticism, reject it. Refuse it. Say, “Nope. You can’t take me down. I won’t give you that power. I don’t allow anyone to take a shit in my living room.”
Fact: Use what helps, leave the rest.
When it comes to critical feedback, don’t be so fragile that you miss out on information that can help you learn and improve. Be strong enough to extract the value from the critics, if it’s there. These questions help:
“What could be true about this?”
“Is there any part that I can use to grow and do better?”
Supportive and caring folks usually share advice with you in private, after you’ve asked for their input. Even then, they do so in a way that supports your growth, not stunts it. The people closest to me do that. I’m grateful they look out for me, and I work hard to do the same for them.
THREE TACTICS TO PRACTICE
1. ALWAYS CONSIDER THE SOURCE
I’ve never received a piece of hurtful, vitriolic criticism from anyone I admire or respect. Most successful people don’t have time to harshly criticize others because they’re too busy making change and living their lives.
The harshest critics are often insecure, unaccomplished cowards. They’re bystanders on the sidelines of life who risk nothing and create nothing. As novelist Chuck Palahniuk says, “It’s easy to attack and destroy an act of creation. It’s a lot more difficult to perform one.” Remember to take a step back and consider the source. Does the person criticizing you have a body of work you respect? Are they someone you genuinely admire? If not, think carefully before taking their opinion to heart.
2. FEEL SAD, NOT MAD
Imagine how painful and miserable someone’s life must be to have time to be that mean. When people tear others down, they’re broadcasting the following about themselves:
They have very little empathy, compassion, and emotional intelligence.
They’ve got too much time on their hands, which means they’re underperforming.
They’re starved for attention.
Their lives are filled with hurt and pain.
Feel sad for them, not mad. And definitely don’t use their attacks to shape your creations.
3. HAVE A GOOD LAUGH
Here’s an example of folks having a very spirited, detailed discussion about what they believe to be one of the most important, consequential aspects of my work:
Does anyone know how much of Marie’s hair is false? I’d guess that mane she tossed over her shoulders is 70% extensions.
marielaporte: Ding! Ding! Ding!
I'd go with around 80% actually. I’ve always found her gobs of fake hair very distracting. And I’ve been surprised to see her being praised for her great hair when it’s obviously almost entirely extensions. Her natural hair is just the layers around her face—I’ve never seen it longer than slightly past her shoulders.
Her natural hair is not thick at all. She covers this up with teasing the hair close to her scalp as much as possible to make her hair look fuller. (This is obvious even in the pics without the extensions.)
News flash, haters: It’s all my natural hair.
It sucks that people spend time and energy tearing each other down, especially about their looks, but we’ve decided to make jokes about the “realness” of my hair on my show. While of course I’ve gotten harsher criticism, it’s way more fun to shine a light on the pettiness of internet trolls and nullify their nastiness with laughs.*
GOLDEN RULE: Never reply when angry, emotional, or buzzed.
One night in the nascent social media era (I’m talking late 2008ish), I was scheduled to be a guest on an entrepreneurial Twitter chat, starting at 9:00 p.m. Earlier that evening, I went to a networking event where I enjoyed a glorious glass of cabernet. Once I got back to my apartment, it was time to hop on Twitter. I remember sitting at my desk, in the dark, and thinking to myself how strange it was to start working again at 9:00 p.m. The first seven minutes went smoothly. I was sharing resources, firing off pithy responses, making jokes, and having a grand old time. Until, that is, a troll hopped into our discussion.
Daytime, wine-free Marie knows better than to engage with trolls. She’s usually got perspective, compassion, and self-restraint. But just one glass of cabernet was enough to throw those qualities right out the door. Jersey Marie took over and replied in her typical raw, no-holds-barred form. My taunts and comebacks, while funny to me in the moment, were mean. Not a reflection of my highest self, by a long shot. The next morning, I looked back at the thread and regretted my behavior. I made myself a promise to never again respond when I’m angry or overly emotional. And definitely never touch a keyboard if I’ve had even a tiny sip of wine. That was over a decade ago and I haven’t broken my promise since. In our modern culture, you’re writing your history one tweet, one comment, and one post at a time.
THE ULTIMATE SECRET BEHIND REFUSING TO BE REFUSED
In a world where there is so much to be done, I felt strongly impressed that there must be something for me to do.
Dorothea Dix
When Leymah set out to stop a war, it wasn’t for personal accolades. She didn’t have “Winning the Nobel Peace Prize” on her vision board. She persevered against unimaginable odds to create a better life for her family, her community, and for generations to come. When I got our studio space, it wasn’t because I thought it made us look cool, but because I couldn’t stand seeing my team stressed. Plus, we had tons of creative ideas to better serve our audience, and I knew a dedicated space would help us deliver on our mission. Remember how fired up I was after encountering Mr. Dickwad on the escalator? That wasn’t just about me. I felt a responsibility to kick ass on behalf of women who’ve been underestimated everywhere. Even at JFK, the underlying motivation that fueled me wasn’t about a vacation—it was about my devotion to Josh, our love, and our relationship.
Want to supercharge your ability to persevere, no matter what setbacks or obstacles get in your way? Make sure your dream is tied to something beyond yourself. Striving to be your best is one thing, but when you do your best for the betterment of others, you’ll be virtually unstoppable. A bigger, more expansive purpose beyond our own personal gain is what gives our lives meaning. Purpose fuels persistence. Motives matter.
If your dreams are only about personal gain—fame, money, or power— you’ll eventually run out of steam. Even if you do manage to reach your goal, the win will feel shallow. You’ll wonder, Is that it? Is this really all there is?
The measure of our lives is not determined by what we achieve for ourselves; it’s determined by what we share, give, and contribute to others. When your dreams are connected to a sense of contribution beyond yourself—a family member, your coworkers, or a community or cause you deeply believe in—you’ll unlock wellsprings of strength, stamina, and courage you never knew you had. Most important, you’ll experience a greater sense of
meaning and fulfillment, too.
To be clear, having dreams for yourself is awesome. We all start there. Just don’t stop there. Connect your dream to a greater good. It’ll feed your soul and provide the emotional strength you’ll need to refuse to be refused.
INSIGHT TO ACTION CHALLENGE
We can do anything we want to do if we stick to it long enough.
Helen Keller
Just don’t give up trying to do what you really want to do. If there is love and inspiration, I don’t think you can go wrong.
Ella Fitzgerald
What’s at least one example of a time when you’ve refused to be refused and, in doing so, found a way around a limitation? No example is too small or insignificant. List as many as you can think of and what you learned by refusing to be refused.
Have you already been refused on the path to your big dream? What did you do? Revisit that refusal and brainstorm seven ways you can work around it and keep going!
What positive results might occur if you challenged authority, questioned the rules, or declined defeat just 10 percent more than you currently do?
Imagine the criticism you fear actually happens. What are three constructive and healthy ways you could deal with it? How would your highest and best self respond—if at all? Feel free to adopt my rule of never replying in anger (or after you’ve had wine). A clearheaded plan now prevents pain and regret later.
Write down ten things you would do if you had absolutely zero fear of judgment or criticism. Then pick one and do it.
How can you connect your dream or goal to something beyond yourself? Is there a family member, community, or cause you can serve? Reasons power results.
Figureoutable Field Notes
After getting rejected from fourteen care facilities, everything is figureoutable helped her find an outstanding facility for her brother, who suffers from early-onset Alzheimer’s.
My sweet brother Craig has early-onset Alzheimer’s and had become agitated and sometimes violent in his assisted living situation. It was up to me to find a new care facility with appropriate services for him.
I flew to Ohio from my home in Mexico, expecting to spend a week. It took a month.
I visited over thirty facilities, got declined by fourteen, hospitalized him to stabilize his medications, all while coordinating communication among social workers and doctors.
That idea and mantra “Everything is figureoutable” helped me to persist, to research, to explore, and to keep the crippling feeling of helplessness out of my world. I followed up with everyone in person rather than on the phone or through emails. Every time I heard, “No,” I asked for their suggestions. I asked everyone for ideas and referrals and thanked them all in person, in addition to sending emails expressing my appreciation. I kept my emotions in check so my brain could work. I owe much of that ability to repeating to myself, “Everything is figureoutable.”
The best facility in the area said they had a six-month wait list for transfer patients. I was disappointed, but determined to get my brother admitted. I used every reason I could think of to keep reconnecting with the admissions officer. I stopped by to make sure he received my paperwork. I dropped in again a few days later to ask what number we were on the wait list.
After my brother needed a medication adjustment, I stopped by again to let the admissions officer know, and asked again about the wait list. They told me they had a newly open bed, which my brother was potentially eligible for.
The next day, as I was leaving the hospital, I got the magic call. Yes! My sweet brother had his bed waiting for him in the best Alzheimer’s nursing home in the region! My brother is now receiving the best possible care available to him in an outstanding facility. I am at peace, knowing this is true.
—JANET
MEXICO
10
The World Needs Your Special Gift
There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique, and if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium, and be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is, not how it compares with other expression. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open.
Martha Graham
Early in our relationship, Josh would leave town for work and return home only to find empty cans of Chef Boyardee and boxes of Kraft Mac & Cheese stuffed in our trash. He’d offer me vitamin supplements and suggest that we start “juicing.”
Whatever, hippie man. I’m working, like, four jobs right now. I have zero extra cash. I ain’t got time to learn your granola-loving ways. He was persistently kind and I was persistently stubborn. I don’t want to. It’s too expensive. Too weird. Just, no. Pass the mac and cheese please.
A few years later, I became friends with Kris Carr, a cancer-thriver and wellness icon who touted the benefits of juicing, superfoods, and a plant-based diet. “Josh! OMG, I met this amazing woman. She’s a total badass who’s written all these bestselling health books—check out these recipes for smoothies and green juices and salads. Here’s the juicer we need to get and, oh yeah, she said we should take these supplements. You know, we really should have started this years ago.”
A justified face-palm moment for Josh.
“Marie, you’ve got to be kidding me. I’ve been telling you the exact same thing for years now. Why couldn’t you hear it from me?!”
And that’s the point.
One of the biggest obstacles to figuring out your dream is this: You incorrectly assume that “it’s all been done before.” You don’t believe you have anything original, valuable, or worthwhile to contribute. You don’t feel special or talented enough to add your voice to the mix.
It’s time to set the record straight.
No matter how many times you think an idea or creation has been shared in the world, sometimes it takes that one person expressing it in their unique voice, at the right time, in the right place, for it to actually make a difference.
YOU are that person for somebody.
It doesn’t matter how many people have gone before you. It doesn’t matter how many versions of the same thing you think already exist or have been done by more talented, qualified, or famous people. Forget all that. With over 7.7 BILLION people on the planet (and counting!), there are more than enough humans with a diverse set of needs, perspectives, problems, preferences, desires, and tastes. There’s always room for more. There’s always room for you.
YOU ARE HERE FOR A REASON
Every individual matters. Every individual has a role to play. Every individual makes a difference.
Jane Goodall
God, Source, Smurf Fairies—whatever form of higher intelligence you might believe in—did not make any extra people just for the heck of it. No other person has, or ever will have, the unique blend of talents, strengths, perspective, and gifts that you have. Remember, you are a onetime mega event in the universe.
Don’t fucking waste it.
You were born with an innate power to create change, both in your life and in the lives of others. This power doesn’t exist outside of yourself, and it’s not something you can buy or borrow. You already have it within you, right now.
I believe that inner power led you to this book. The whole reason you’re here reading, right now, is because you want to bring some thing to life.
That said, here’s what’s vital to understand. When you have an idea, a possibility, the tiniest nugget of a dream for yourself or others and you don’t do everything you can to bring it to life . . .
YOU ARE STEALING FROM THOSE WHO NEED YOU MOST.
That’s right, I said . . .
S t e a l i n g.
There are countless peopl
e out there who need the gifts that you and you alone are here to give. If you don’t get off your ass and do the things your heart keeps telling you to do, the world will have lost something truly irreplaceable . . .
YOU.
It will have lost your unique voice. Your unique energy. Your unique ideas and stories and perspective. By holding back and playing small, you’re robbing countless people of the goodness and joy and healing and growth that only your unique contributions can offer.
Maybe you’re stealing from future customers or fans who are waiting for the exact kind of __________ [book, song, story, movie, novel, stand-up routine, speech, nonprofit, educational platform, pasta dish, T-shirt, app, etc.] you’ve been dreaming of.
Maybe you’re stealing from your kids, loved ones, or colleagues because they’re not getting the real you—the most fully alive, emotionally available, playful, confident, strong, and loving you that you could be. Maybe you’re stealing from generations to come because you’re not willing to heal a wound or break a cycle that must be broken in order for others to have a better life.
When any of us deny or suppress or minimize our gifts, those gifts sour into a toxic poison. That poison eats us alive from the inside out. We become sick, lethargic, bitter, cynical, angry, addicted, short-tempered, and judgmental—and that’s just for starters. Never forget, Hitler was a frustrated artist.