by Alexis Anne
22
Carrie, six weeks earlier
“Tubthumping” by Chumbawamba blasted through the Vegas club. Mistique? Mystery? Fuck if I could remember what clever name was lit up over the door. It was two in the afternoon outside, but inside? It could be any time of day.
I loved Vegas.
Drinking and fucking all day. Except I hadn’t fucked anyone. Not since Wes.
Wes who was dancing with me.
“We should do the drinks! A whisky drink, a vodka drink—”
“Babe.” He shook his head as he held my body against his. He felt so good. So good. “I think that’s a bad idea. Besides . . . we’re having fun.”
So much fun. I felt like I was flying. I couldn’t remember the last time I was this happy.
Had I ever been this happy?
I didn’t think so. But that was the magic of Vegas. You could be whoever you wanted to be here. And after watching Roman and June get married I decided I wanted to be carefree and happy.
That was probably how I wound up dancing with Wes. God, I loved Wes. He was perfect. Fun, carefree, no boundaries. I was pretty sure he loved me for the same reasons.
“Do you love me, Wes?” Might as well ask. It was carefree and happy time.
He froze. “Why do you ask?”
“Because I think you do.” Then I went up on my tip-toes and whispered. “And I think I love you too.”
He turned his head slowly until we were nose to nose. I could feel his chest rise and fall. His heart pounding in his chest. “Then why did you dump me?”
I laughed, throwing my arms wide. Fuck it felt nice to give no fucks. To say whatever I wanted without thinking. Or better yet, worrying about everything. “Because I love you.”
“I don’t understand.” But he also didn’t let me go. No. He held me closer.
He loved me.
“Love is bad. Bad, Wes.”
“Love is good, Carrie.”
I shook my head and closed my eyes because it felt a lot like being on a roller coaster. “Nope. Falling for you has been very, very bad for me. I feel too much when I’m around you. I don’t know what to do with it all.”
His breath caught, then his hands were in my hair as he kissed me.
God, how I loved being kissed by him. He was good, there was no denying that, but it was more. He cherished kissing me. I could feel how much he wanted me, needed me, in each kiss.
It was addictive.
“Stop trying to figure it out,” he whispered between kisses. “Just go with it. Feel it.”
“Do you feel it?”
“All of it.” He kissed me again. “I love you, Carrie. I miss you so much.”
“I miss you too.” And I meant it. He made my life so much brighter. He was sunshine. So happy and full of life all the time. I needed that.
“Then let’s stop missing each other. No more fighting and pretending we don’t feel the things we feel. I love you. I want you. I love how crazy we are together.”
“You really do, don’t you?”
He pulled back. “You’re the perfect woman. I’d marry you right now if you’d let me.”
“Marry me? Are you nuts?” Marriage was so permanent. And boring.
“Nuts for you,” he chuckled, then sobered. “I don’t want anyone but you. Let’s be crazy together, forever.”
Not boring? Not in a box of obligations? “What would marriage to Wes Allen look like?”
“Well,” he kissed me again, “it involves this. Kissing and dancing. Fucking. Love making. Fun, Lots of fun.”
Yes. That. I want that. “Will you put me in your videos?”
“Only if you want to be.” He traced the line of my lips with his finger, his eyes following the movement.
I swear he was drinking me in one touch at a time, and I was savoring the way it felt to be precious to someone—because despite my deep denial and fear, I wasn’t blind. “Why do you want to marry me? We could just date again.”
“We never dated,” he shook his head, his voice low, his eyes locked on my lips. “I chased you and you kept me at arm’s length.”
His eyes flicked up and locked with mine. It took my breath away. “So why not date for the first time?”
“Because you’ll dump me again. You still have one foot out the door. Maybe if we get married you’ll understand that I just love you and I’m not going anywhere.”
My heart started pounding really hard and fast. “Why? Why me?”
“Oh, babe.” He brushed back my hair and cupped my cheek. “You’re the only one who I could ever love. And I think you’re the only one crazy enough to love me.”
Marriage?
To Wes?
Even drunk I knew it was a terrible idea.
And I wanted to do it.
I wanted to be as happy as June. I wanted to stop worrying about feeling. With Wes I was safe. I could feel things with him and he would never try to make me into something different.
“Let’s do it.”
He froze. “Are you sure?”
Why not? This was one of those things that was just crazy enough to work. “We better hurry if we want to get a license.”
He blinked a few times and then grabbed my hand, dragging me out into the light of the afternoon.
“Slow down!”
“Nope,” he called over his shoulder. He was walking straight toward the taxi stand in front of the hotel. “You might change your mind. We better hurry.”
I let him take me into his arms while we waited for the car to pull up. “I’m not changing my mind. You’re the only man I could possibly marry. No one else is crazy enough.”
He kissed me hard. “Exactly.” He held me close. Molded us together with a strong grip around my waist.
But it wasn’t uncomfortable. No . . . actually, it was nice. Possessive, but also protective.
In the limo we indulged in those shots I wanted. Just for the record, vodka after whiskey is disgusting. And probably what led to me forgetting our wedding ceremony for several days.
But it was so fantastically perfect for us that I couldn’t forget for too long. We rolled up to the clerk’s office and pretended to be sober long enough to get our license, then giggled our way into the 24-Hour Wedding Chapel, where we were married by a singing minister. Wes even sang along, reminding me that he was the perfect man for me.
And then we rolled back to The Paris where we grabbed one more drink on the way up to his room—mercifully calling for room service when we got there.
“They said it will take an hour,” he murmured between kisses.
“Perfect.”
“Yeah?”
I glanced at the ring on my hand and the one on his. “Yeah.”
“I can’t believe you said yes.”
I ripped off his shirt. “I can’t believe you asked.”
My dress disappeared and so did my bra. “Then you haven’t been paying attention,” he said between kisses. “I’ve been in love with you for a while.”
“I thought you fell in love all the time.”
He laid me back on the bed, sliding on top of me with his heavy, muscular frame. “I’ve never been in love before.” He rocked against me. Kissed me everywhere. It was slow and perfect.
Tender.
“You love, love,” I said.
He stopped, his cock halfway home, and looked me in the eye. “I love, love. I love making people happy. But I’ve never been in love until you. And babe? You make everything else look dim and grey beside you.”
Then he thrust deeper, spreading me open to him. I felt in a way like I was waking up for the first time, seeing the world through a different lens. The one I’d been using all these years had been so small. Yes, it was designed to keep me moving one foot in front of the other in a war I didn’t realize I was fighting until Wes, but it was small nonetheless.
But now? I saw the whole world. At least that was how it felt. In color. Vivid and beautiful. Love could be awesome.
A
nd it sounded like he felt the same way.
He took me slowly. Carefully. He brought me on a journey with him through the fog and into the pleasure of joining my body to his. When I came it was with him. Our bodies writhing together, holding, locking, desperate to be whole.
“I love you, Carrie. I swear it can be like this all the time.”
I nodded, half asleep already. “If you say so.”
“I’ll show you.” He pulled away and the cold woke me up.
“Don’t go.”
“Don’t worry. I’m just throwing on some pants to answer the door.” He rolled in a cart of food and made me eat. “You’ll thank me in the morning. Soak up all that alcohol.”
“French toast is the best food.” It tasted like heaven.
“You’re happy?” he asked from the corner of the bed. The look on his face was so genuine. So worried. How could I ever doubt the way he felt about me. The man wore his feelings on his sleeve.
“I am. Are you?”
“Really, genuinely happy.” Then he stood up. “I’m going to get you some water and then you’re going to curl up on my chest and fall asleep, Mrs. Allen.”
I giggled, which was a weird sound coming out of me, but not nearly as weird as hearing him call me Mrs. Allen. “That’s going to take some getting used to.”
“All of this is going to take getting used to.” He held out the water and waited until I drank it all. Then got me another. He set it on the nightstand, then slid into bed beside me, pulling me into his arms.
The best place I’d ever been in my life.
“Good night, Carrie.”
“Good night, Wes.”
23
Wes, present day
She left my hospital room while they administered my exam and gave me painkillers for the headache. I knew she would run again, I just hoped she hadn’t gotten too far.
She came.
I got hurt and she came.
Better than that, she cared. I scared the crap out of her and I hated that part, but seeing how much she cared? Oh hell yes. Game on. We were doing this.
“Carrie!” I saw her at the end of the hallway just before she dodged out of a set of sliding glass doors.
“Doc!” I yelled as loud as I dared with my headache, glad I’d thrown on some boxers before I bolted from the room.
She still didn’t slow down, so I hurried. My head pounded but not nearly as hard as my heart.
“Carrie Anne Walker.”
This time she froze. It was raining buckets outside. She was already drenched as she turned around to face me. “Go back to bed, Wes.”
“No. Not until we talk.” I stepped out into the rain, too. “So unless you want to be responsible for what happens to me as I chase you into that parking garage, soaking wet, and with a head injury, I suggest you stop for once in your life and talk to me.”
The fight went right out of her. “Then you’ll go back to bed?”
“Only if you go with me.” Sometimes I really couldn’t stop the things that came out of my mouth.
“This isn’t a game, Wes!”
“Are you so sure about that? Isn’t that exactly what we’ve been doing this whole time?”
She turned white as a sheet and I felt really, deeply, terrible about that. But this was the truth shitstorm we’d been needing to have for a long, long time.
“What do you mean?” Her voice was barely a whisper.
I stepped into her. I wanted her to feel me. To know I was here and I wasn’t going anywhere. “You think I didn’t know what you were doing?”
She stared up at me. “You did?”
“Of course I did.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
She still didn’t understand. That was probably my fault. “Because I didn’t care. As long as you were with me . . . nothing else mattered. You felt safe playing those games. It meant you stayed.”
The color didn’t return to her cheeks and it was starting to worry me.
“Carrie?”
“I can’t believe you knew and you played along.”
God how I wanted to kiss her. I took her face in my hands but stopped there. “Of course I did. We know each other. Well. And I knew you weren’t ready. Probably because I wasn’t ready.”
“I don’t think you’ll ever be ready.” She pushed away and I immediately missed having her close. She belonged with me. That was the beginning and end of it.
“I’m not perfect and neither are you!” I yelled, the pain meds finally kicking in and helping my head. The fucking rain was falling so hard she wouldn’t hear me if I didn’t, but you know what else? I wanted to yell. I wished to hell that everyone could hear how angry and desperate I was to reach Carrie. “And you know what? I don’t want to be perfect either. The flaws are what make us great. The journey of fucking up and learning is marriage, Carrie. It’s life. It’s who we choose to live it with, not who’s the most perfect.”
God, how I never wanted to have a stale life of perfection. I lived for the gritty mystery of learning and loving everyday. It had always been a gift, but ever since the night Carrie smiled up at me it had become so much more. Figuring out life with Carrie had woken me up.
“I don’t want perfect!” she shouted back.
I was getting to her. There was hesitation and, dare I say, curiosity, even as she fought me.
“You say that, but that’s exactly what you keep expecting from me. I love you and sometimes I get that so right, babe. Sometimes it’s just instinct to love you, but sometimes I have shit that gets in the way, just like you do. And ever since we met I’ve been fighting it. It doesn’t happen overnight and I have no idea what I’m doing most of the time, but damn it all, I’m trying.”
She stared at me, blinking in the rain. Finally her mouth opened and I expected her to tell me to piss off once and for all but instead she took a deep breath. “That’s why I like you, Wes.”
Did I hear her right? Was she standing here talking to me instead of running? “You like me? Like, actually like me?”
“Unfortunately for my sanity, yes.” The rain ran down her face like tears. Or maybe she was crying. God I hoped she wasn’t crying. “I’ve never been enough, Wes. Never been right. Not until you.”
Her words sank in immediately and I didn’t hesitate. I knew a good thing when I heard it and I moved like the lightning bouncing between the clouds above us, taking her by the shoulders as I hovered over her. “You’re more than enough. Fuck, sometimes you’re too much and I can’t figure out how to be good enough for you.”
The shock on her face broke my damn heart. How had the people in her life never seen what I saw everyday? Carrie was special. So very special. “Stop running from me. Don’t you get it? You’ve run from everyone because they wanted you to change. I’m the one person who wants you just the way you are.”
I kissed her while I could. It was wet and my head hurt, but there was nothing as good as the electricity I felt when we touched. It was worth it.
And she kissed me back. Her soft hands went into my hair and pulled me close. Hard. Like she was holding on for dear life.
“I’m not going anywhere, babe.”
She burrowed into my hospital gown. “You scared me today.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I’m not. I needed that kick.” She turned up to look at me, blinking as the rain hit her face. “You always scare me, Wes. You’re too big, too loud. I feel too much. And all of that is a lot to handle. But I need it. I need you.” She grabbed my gown and pulled me back down for another kiss. “The thought of going on without you to fill up my life was scarier than learning how to live with it.”
I brushed the wet hair out of her eyes. “I think there was a compliment somewhere in there.”
She scowled at me.
“Ah, don’t go getting mad already.” I cupped her face. “We’ll have plenty of years for that. Because while I do promise to learn how to be a better man for you, I also know I’m not going to g
et it all right.”
She nodded and sighed. “The flirting has to stop.”
“With everyone but you. Already done. I just had it surgically removed.”
She rolled her eyes. “And the secrets. No more secrets.”
I bent closer so that we were nose to nose. “I think we both need to promise that one.”
She nodded once. “Deal. No secrets from either of us.”
“Anything else?”
A slow smile pulled on her gorgeous lips as she looked up at me. “The games stay in the bedroom.”
That was an easy deal to make. “The only games I will ever play outside of baseball are the dirty ones we play together, babe.”
24
Carrie, present day
Two months later . . .
Having Wes around full time was a very different experience. Baseball season moved nonstop but we made it work. The off-season, however, was strange. He was around all the time.
It was really nice.
And kind of made me dread next season even though it was months away. Okay, not months, but I was going to stretch it as long as I could in my head because it meant more days with Wes.
Plus it wouldn’t be nearly as complicated as last season. Just as we hoped, the Mantas traded for Wes. He left the Waves in good graces and even decided to rent out his condo to another teammate just on the off chance he wound up back in Jacksonville in the next couple of years.
He moved into my condo with Snickers and we became one big, slightly odd, happy family.
“Do you think he has any idea?” Zoe asked as we turned the corner and stepped outside the Manta’s stadium.
“Nope.”
“I can’t wait to see the look on his face.”
I couldn’t either. This was the most complicated, epic thing I’d ever done. “Well, we’re about to find out.”
Wes pulled up in his Mustang, sliding into one of the designated spots near the locker room entrance. “Hey!” he called as he put the top up. “What’s the big surprise?”
I glanced at Zoe, my nerves spiking. “Just a little something I thought you’d enjoy.”