by Hubert Selby
Finally got it. He was true to his word, said it would only be a few days, and he was right. Hmm … couple of days … Miraculous … perhaps mystical days. So much changed in those days. How extraordinary … the change … yes, definitely mystical and miraculous. I would have killed the wrong person. Getting even with the real culprits by killing myself and blaming them is truly madness. If there must be killing, then let it be appropriate. Killing myself is tantamount to murder … the execution of an innocent individual … at best the accidental killing of an innocent bystander. I am certainly not the one who needs killing simply because I could find no purpose to my life. How unbelievably extraordinary the change in just a few days. Remarkable. I dont think the magnitude of the change has as yet fully registered. Will take time to fully assimilate, to see my past state of hopelessness clearly. Perhaps, even with time, it will be as simple as it appears to be now: my life had no meaning. How far can money and cars and homes and all the other toys take you? There must be something of substance in a persons life, a reason to get up, to wash, to dress, to eat, to look at the day, mingle with people, do whats needed. A person must contribute to the world in some way or life is worse than meaningless … its … yeah, I guess its nothing more than an obscene joke. Yeah, but whos laughing? Yes indeed, the laborer is worthy of his hire and peace of mind and the joy of living are the worthy result of a life of service … a life well-lived … Hmmm, yes, yes indeed, truly a fortuitous glitch in the system … Life is truly a wonder …
Wonder how you buy an illegal handgun? They say theres thousands, hundreds of thousands floating around the streets. Who knows? Got to know all about this one before I worry about more. When I know all about this one and feel really comfortable with it, I/ll probably be able to nose out some gun sellers. I/ll intuitively know where they are, or recognize them. Thats usually how these things work. But first Ive got to do what that guy said and go to a range and get familiar with it. Learn to shoot it and take it apart and clean it and all that. In the army those guys learn how to take their weapons apart blindfolded … and put them back together again. Just take my time. Dont rush. Plenty of time. Plenty of time now that I know what to do with my time …
Yeah, taking my times paid off. Pretty good shot. Good enough for my purposes. And I can take this apart and put it together with my eyes closed. Got to stay nice and calm. No more getting excited and angry. As a matter of fact I no longer feel angry. Dont want to kill myself either. Now I know who needs killing, and its not me. So I/ll stay nice and calm … focused. Yeah, thats the secret, staying focused and not dissipating my energies with anger. I/ll simply continue to download the info I need—my god, what a great tool the Internet is. There really is everything on it. Nice and steady … and calm. But it would be nice to strangle that son of a bitch Barnard at the VA, to just wait for him some night and force him to drive out of town and slowly choke the bastard … oh just thinking of my hands around his throat is so sweet—No! No! Cant allow that. This is not going to be some sort of ego trip. Insane to go to prison, or even be killed, for eliminating a parasite like Barnard. Nice and calm and never be noticed. If he dies from food poisoning how can I possibly be implicated or incriminated? No leaving a record for posterity, or even plans or notes. Everything destroyed as soon as possible. No manifestos. Now theres real madness. As if killing a couple of people is going to change the basic structure/foundation of this world. No crusade for the betterment of mankind … Ach, betterment of mankind. What drivel … what rubbish. All animals. Some just bigger than others. But everyone is always looking for someone to push around, someone lower on the food chain. Someone to feel superior to. And if you cant do it at work then do it at home. Thats the beauty of having a family. A wife to slap around, kids to punish and whip. Seems like the only reason people get married is to have someone they can abuse in private, undetected. Especially those christians! Boy, do they love to punish. Whip their ass! Yeah, lets have a party. Dont forget to invite the children
there I go again. Cant do that. Dont want to get too personal. No causes. Just a quiet, simple, satisfying way to get back at this world for suffocating me, for crushing me, for trying to kill my spirit. But they havent and they wont. They came close. Oh they came close. Was all set to put a gun in my mouth and pull the trigger. But there was a computer glitch. Isnt that something? A stupid glitch and I had to wait a few days and then I saw the errors of my ways, saw so clearly that I was killing the wrong person. Its not me that needs killing, its them. Funny how things can change in the wink of an eye.
… yeah, E.coli is the best way to go. Other food poisonings too difficult and sort of specialized. And nobody would think it could be deliberate, not with all the outbreaks we/ve had these last years … and it should be easy … Eating meat, especially ground beef, that has not been cooked sufficiently to kill E.coli can cause infection. Contaminated meat looks and smells normal. Although the number of organisms required to cause disease is not known, it is suspected to be very small.
Very small. Wonder if the CIA has ever used this for … elimination? Maybe they should have tried that instead of cigars with Castro. Then we wouldnt have to live in constant fear of being invaded by the forces of communism only 90 miles away … We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the streets, we will fight them in the book depository—OOPS, we fucked up there. Oh well, as long as they dont get to Wall Street everything is fine. What fools … we couldve sued the Cuban cigar makers for billions of dollars. Wonder if some enterprising legal beagle has already thought of that and is waiting for ‘normal relations’ between us. Normal relations? Guess that means face to face. Yuck … that sounds disgusting. All that hair and garlic breath … sounds revolting … to coin a phrase. Enough, enough. Back to work.
So … E.coli/s the way to go, and rotten beef is a source. Suppose I could go into any McDonalds and play Russian roulette with hamburgers. Maybe thats the attraction for fast food joints, the excitement, the adrenaline rush from not knowing if this is your last meal—Okay, okay, calm down. Lets browse the Net some more and see … Now thats interesting … unpasteurized apple juice … unpasteurized apple juice. Hmmm … wonder which way is better???? Which way??? What the hell, use them both. I/ll just make a little apple juice and drop some ground beef into it, put it in the sun and see what it grows. Yeah … thats simple enough … Hmmm, how will I know if Ive actually grown the bacteria? Good question. Oh no, one thing I cant do is test it on some kitty cat or stray dog. Or any creature, really … No, not even a mouse or a rat. If I could capture one of those ugly street rats, but how in the hell would I do that? And Im certainly not going to go to a pet shop and buy one, cage and all. Jesus, just keep feeding it a little beef and apple juice and see what happens? No thanks, Im not a ghoul. If I could do that I could get a job with some drug company and torture rabbits and mice and monkeys and god knows how many other creatures. How can they do that? Sever their vocal chords so you cant hear them crying with pain and just keep torturing them and go home at the end of the day, eat, relax, sleep, get up in the morning and do it all over again. Day after day. I suppose theyre ‘just doing their job’. Maybe I/ll just have to let it cook for a while then see if it does the job. I dont know, that doesnt seem like a smart approach. Could go on for ever. There must be some way without hurting some poor little critter, there—wait a second. All those reports I was reading about outbreaks in drinking water, they obviously were able to test the water so there must be test kits available. People are always testing for something. Lets get back on the Net here and see what we got … Yeah … yeah, that sounds good … no, not that one, none where you send in a sample with your name and address. Who knows what the laws may be. They come up with a sample loaded with E.coli and they may have to call the Board of Health or something. Yeah, thered be some government agency involved. I can just see it, men dressed in black, faces hidden behind black veils and sun glasses, knocking at the door. Whos there? The E.coli death squad. Oh do come in. Yeah, s
ure, that would be a good way to remain anonymous. We can forget those firms. Looks like the best are the Water Testing Kits ‘guaranteed to detect contaminates, including bacteria’ … Yeah … they should be worth a shot. Okay, lets get them ordered and get on with it. This apple juice ground beef combo should be cookin by the time they get here. Maybe I can sell the idea to McDonalds. A new Macbeefapple … Hey, wait a minute, they can freeze it and sell it as a ‘quick snack popsicle’. A real winner, a million dollar idea. God only knows where we can go with this—Enough! Enough! Time for frivolity later, after the work has been done. Still a lot of work left to do. I culture it … then I have to transport it and deliver the package … to coin a phrase. Have to find a safe way to get it from here to there. Evidently it wont take much. Especially if its potent. And it should be a hell of a lot more potent than a hamburger or glass of apple juice. And its not detectable by taste. Obviously. Just as obviously food poisoning should be in food, so the best ‘delivery system’ is food … lunch time. Okay, have to ‘first things first’ this. Have to make certain he eats in that coffee shop each day. Just because I happened to notice him in there once at the salad bar doesnt mean he goes there every day. Have to check that out, be absolutely certain. Cant determine how to deliver a little food additive without knowing exactly where he/ll be. But for now I can have a tentative plan based on the distinct possibility that he does eat there at least once a week. I remember he was at the salad bar … which may not be too important. The image I have really clearly in my mind is a large container of soda … yeah, with ice cubes clinking around in it … ice cold soda … the logical ‘receptacle’. Get a belly full of soda and E.c in his nice warm tummy and it should do wonders for his health. Oh yes indeedy do. Alright, no tangents, not now. Keep focused. Have to get the ‘culture’ from here to there. Okay … now lets break it down. If I really can grow the bacteria in my little brew, it will be extremely virulent … yeah, so it wont take much. All I have to do is bring a couple of ounces. That should do it. Probably a lot less will do … yeah, but it should be just as easy to get 2 ounces in that soda as one and the more the merrier … to coin a phrase. But suppose it leaks or spills over me??? Shit! Cant wear surgical gloves and green scrubs, that—wait a second, what the hell am I talking about? Its not going to do me anything if it touches my skin for gods sake. It has to be ingested. Any old bottle with a tight cap will do just as long as its small enough to hold in one hand and dump the contents into that cup without being noticed. Yeah, thats important. Well maybe not. Even if someone notices me with a little bottle who is going to associate that with someone dying from E.coli poisoning? Even if they do hear of it. No, no, a case of a purloined letter. Simply look and act like anyone else in there and no one will remember. A little misdirection will help. Yeah, reach in a different direction with one hand while the other drops the E.c in the cup. Better practice that. Yeah, be able to do it with my eyes closed just like taking the gun apart and reassembling it blindfolded. Train the body. If the mind bogs down with fear the body can still do what it has to do. Yeah … Okay. So, where am I? Two ounce bottle. Any bottle. Wont be seen, hopefully, so something that fits easily in the palm of my hand and is easy to open while concealed. Actually, any old bottle will do. Have to keep this simple. Nothing fancy. So, where am I? Got my culture cooking and by the time the test kits get here it should be done. And I/ll know what hes up to and everything will be ready. In the meantime better get some work done. Funny, been making a living with computers for years, and love them, but this is the first time Ive had so much fun. This goes so much beyond making a living. This truly makes living worthwhile. Oh I love you, love you, my little sweetheart. What was that old phone ad, something like, Reach out and touch somebody today, or tell them you love them, or some such thing? Whatever. But we will reach out and kill some one. Yes in deed. Someone who truly deserves it … who needs it. Or at least the rest of the world does. Okay, enough of that. Just relax, get some work done, and tomorrow we take the next step in our little endeavor.
… well, one thing I know I wont be doing is parking in the parking lot. God only knows how many different disasters could occur (dis ass ter? hell, damn near killed her), and too easy to shut down the exits, not that there should be any reason for that, Im not going in there with an arm load of automatic weapons. This is a Federal Building, not a high school. But there—enough of this negativity. This is simply a reconnaissance mission, a simple fact finding endeavor. This seems like the best place to park, but think I/ll cruise around, circle the block, make sure Im familiar with the area, dont want to take anything for granted … Not too much traffic down here, a simple drive. But Im not making a getaway from a bank robbery. Just fitting in, thats all, just fitting in with my surroundings. Dont want to get too dramatic or James Bondish about this. Sure as hell dont need histrionics. No cops and robbers or spies in from the cold. No shooting it out with coppers and making it to the top of the world …
Okay, this is the best place to park. Simple access to the area. Yeah … good … So, here we go, a simple stroll along the ugly Federal Property. I guess all governments, at all levels, want you to know youre on government property by making it, at the very least, unattractive. Its incredible, as soon as youre out of the government area the streets are tree lined and shady, birds sing, everything looks, sounds and feels peaceful, then one more step and youre approaching the pits of hell. There should be a huge sign: Abandon hope all who enter here. No, no, no, not getting into that right now. Just a short, simple stroll to the coffee shop, taking in everything, every little turn and corner, all possible routes to the car. What time is it??? 12:10. A good time. Probably takes the same lunch hour every day, so if hes here now we/ll know.
Wow, they really keep it cool in here. Guess they sell more food that way. Well, hes not here now … Best to wait a few minutes to be sure he doesnt show up soon … yeah, I did overlook that. They may stagger lunch hours on a half hour basis. But that wouldnt have anything to do with him, being the head of this whole rotten VA mess. He probably does what he wants on the job just as he does with the vets … screwem. Probably goes out as late as he can to make the afternoon go faster. Have to rest after a tiring day of destroying lives. Hey, dont knock it, its not as easy as it looks to be a scumbag and—Enough. Keep focused! If you cant do it now what will you do on D-Day? Time to take another stroll. Dont want to just hang around here looking conspicuous and obvious. Use the time to check out the rest of the area. Dont want any sudden surprises.
Whup, theres the heat. Everyones trying to stay in the narrow strip of shade from the building. Amazing how theyre afraid of the sunlight. Weaving in and out. What the hell. Just take it nice and easy. Wonder how much good those barriers do? Cant get a vehicle close to the building, but I guess someone can still create a gigantic mess. No repetition of Oklahoma City though. Jesus, that was a real nutcase. All those people … and children … people who had nothing to do with what ever in the hell he was pissed off about. Blind, bloodthirsty stupidity. Absolutely senseless. Didnt come close to getting anyone even vaguely responsible for whatever pissed him off. Thats the problem with blind hatred … it defeats itself. All those people dead, hes dead, and nothing accomplished. Emotionalism. A killer. Must remain calm and detached. And remain anonymous. No ego trips, just attaining the desired results. Wonder how many people there, are walking free with mountainous amounts of money in a Swiss bank account, or some off-shore bank, who have quietly stolen millions and just faded from sight. Anonymous. Yes … Ha ha, yeah, posterity. I guess some people are so desperate, feel so insignificant, that they will do anything to find a place in history. The key is to do a good job and let that be its own reward. No posing in front of cameras. No fanatical declarations of justice or whatever nonsense the current crop of crazies are spewing forth at any particular time. Særewem. Let them eat cake …