Waiting Period

by Hubert Selby

  ‘Please … Please, let us through … let—Mr Kinsey would you say—please, let us—’

  ‘Now, now, no need to be gettin itchy britches with these here TV folk, yuall just letem on through, we have to be hospitable so mind your manners—’

  My god, they adore the man. They look like they want to kill those TV people … well, might not be such a bad idea. They are obnoxious. As a professional group, they certainly are lacking in basic human decency. Not as bad as lawyers and politicians, but they are not too far behind. Dangerous too when—

  ‘Mr Kinsey, would you say a few words to our audience, sir?’

  ‘Well now thats right neighborly of you—Now, now, Clyde, dont chuall go puttin that big ol han of yurs in front of the mans camera—Yuall have to be excusin ol Clyde here, hes been my closest fren for fifty year … more, aint that right, Clyde? Hes a good ol boy, jus thinks I need protectin.’

  ‘Damn right, you never know what these here—’

  ‘No, no, Clyde, no need to be gettin all riled up.’

  ‘Mr Kinsey, would you like to tell our audience the occasion for this barbecue and celebration every year for 30 years now?’ .

  ‘I/ll tel—’

  ‘Now. Clyde, just simmer on down. Ol Clyde here dont take kindly to people interfering in our business. You see, we/re just plain country folk … as you can see this is a small town but we are a proud people.’

  My god, listen to them cheer. They look like Snopes family rejects and they act like the salt of the earth.

  ‘ … so we/re celebrating-the victory of David over Goliath in—’

  ‘David over Goliath?’

  “Thats right, sonny. The David of small town America over the Goliath of a government that wants to tell us how to live and invade our homes and we said plain and simple, No sir Mr Federal Government, youre not telling us what to do. We been born free an by god we will die free!’

  This is incredible. Never seen anything like this. They—

  ‘Back to you.’

  ‘Thanks, Steve. That was Steve Wilson at the 30th annual barbecue and picnic celebrating the acquittal of Big Jim Kinsey in the deaths of two black doctors who were part of the Medicare taskforce to desegregate hospitals. Their mutilated bodies were found just outside of town, in a ditch, and though there was ample evidence connecting Jim Kinsey to the crime, a jury took just a little more than an hour to acquit him. As you have just seen and—’

  My god … a barbecue and picnic. Annual celebration. For thirty years. Everyone knows what happened. Everyone. They dont care—no, no, thats just it, they do care. Thats why theyre celebrating. They take pride in his actions … yeah, and hide behind it … them. All he did was what they wanted to do. Hes a hero. They couldnt do it, but he did do it. He was happy. Beaming. No remorse. No guilt. Beaming … and free. Those two dead men dont matter … they dont even exist. Innocent people trying to help other people. Wiped out … like … like chalk on a board … like a mistake … just wiped out. Erased. They eat barbecue, drink cold beer, sip whisky from a jug, laugh and hoot, slap their knees, each others shoulders, fiddlers scratch and whine and every body has a good ol time. Protecting their heritage. States rights. Listen to the evidence then adjourn to a room and talk about the weather, the crops, the fishing in the deep pool at Hastings Bend. Check their watches. From time to time. We are deliberating. Law and order. Fair and square. Overhaul Larrys tractor. Deweys pickup. Never seen anything to match Learys crazy cow. Send out for lunch. County pays. Last of the food eaten. Coke drunk. Get up and stretch. Well, time we be gettin back. Look-solemn. Damn near laughed looking at ol Big Jim sittin there. Yes we have your Honor (oh, you bet we have, long before we ever got on this here jury). No jumping up and cheering when verdict read. Still 12 solemn faces, as others cheer and pound Big Jim, with insides singing and cheering and laughing, damn, its good to be alive. Aint no body showin us how to live and thats for damn sure. No, no one can show them how to live. Certainly not how to think. Cokcola and bourbon. Where does a person like that come from? How does an entire population make him a hero? God, this is disgusting. This is beyond anything … Yeah, even Barnard. Well … maybe not? Maybe he was more insidious. No one will ever know how many men, and women, died because he was just doing his job. No one will ever know. At least Big Jim did do it personally. Hands on as the saying goes. He didnt hide behind a desk and a bureaucracy. Have to give him that. Still no justification. They both destroyed innocent lives … no justification. Cant always avoid justice indefinitely. Evil can not be allowed to exist and grow … especially when it has been uncovered. No, absolutely not. To allow that … to permit evil to continue is to be a part of it … to encourage it. Must learn the lesson of Nuremberg. Where does he come from? What does he do? How does he live with this???? Mr Kinsey, Big Jim, you good ol boy, bet yuall never did hear of the Internet. Well, dont make no never minds, cause it be tellin me all about you. Oh yes sir, Big Jim, it be tellin me the size of your shoes, the color of your eyes, the brand of your underwear, and if you ever wash them. Oh, Mr. Kinsey sir, I can sit right here in the comfort of my yankee home and know more about you than you know about yourself … well, that doesnt mean much, does it, considering you probably have no idea what you are and what you are about … just like the rest of your ilk. Well, I/ll tell you something you will never know, self-deception is only that. It is only the self that is deceived. I will not be deceived … or stay as ignorant of you as you are. You are a disgusting bug and bugs can be eliminated and not allowed to befoul the air the rest of us breathe, or the ground we walk upon. You and your ignorance have wreaked enough havoc on the rest of us, oh god, they vote, all the Big Jims and good ol boys vote … no wonder there are so many Jesse Helmses in Congress, and we pay the price of their ignorant viciousness …

  Is it not written that you will not be left comfortless? The man is so absorbed in his new task he is unaware how completely he has surrendered to it. Unaware, too, that he knows not where the gun is, the gun that was so much a part of him for 2 days he could not tell where he ended and the gun began. For many endless hours he sat on the couch with the barrel of the gun in his mouth, hoping to bring his tragic and painful life to an end, wanting nothing more than to leave this nothingness for a permanent and eternal nothingness, yet, once again, in the wink of an eye he has cast off the shroud of that nothingness without even being aware of it, without having planned to do so. Has this not happened before? Many times?

  In his cokcola, how wonderfully fitting and poetic to perform this little ceremony on the day of the picnic, the towns celebration of putting the niggas in their place … Could just cover all those fine ribs with it, let them all have a taste of it. No, cant do that. Cant kill innocent people INNOCENT!!!! Innocent???? Yeah, there are … I guess. Certainly the kids. And some of the younger people. Probably have no idea what its all about. But most of them deserve dying as much as Big Jim. At least the jury. Can get their names in a minute. Probably still alive, just like him. Those kind never die … they dont even fade away. Why? Why in the name of hell do they thrive so much? Nothing ever seems to bother them. Live forever and it never rains on their parade. Well, its going to rain on their picnic. Oh yeah, this is one time the heavens will piss all over those bastards. A massive case of food poisoning. Have to be careful, no kids. Have a whole year to prepare, to plan, to get things ready. Hmmm, a whole year. Seems like a long time to wait. They should be dispatched with extreme prejudice right now! Prudence. Best be cautious. Haste and waste and all that sort of thing. There are some serious logistical problems that need to be solved. Not as simple as Barnard. Crowded coffee shop, no body noticing you. Different situation. A little hick town. They sure as hell will notice a stranger, especially on Freedom Day. But they are used to reporters being there at their picnic. Could go unnoticed. But suppose they get a shot of me on the television. Might cause a problem. Haste and waste. Relax. Dont need to solve all the problems now. Just relax … Yeah, he cant stay in that hick town
all the time. Must need to go to other places. Yeah … if I cant get him on his home turf maybe I can get him on the road …

  Hmmmm … now thats an interesting idea … Need to give this some serious thought. Those reporters certainly knew a lot about ol Big Jim, the networks have all that info in their libraries … yeah … but cant go to them, too obvious and incriminating. What the hell did Big Jim say??? there was something that made me think … shit, what the hell was it???? Seems like something inside of me noticed something about it … damn what in the hell was it??? nothing really extraordinary, just kind of en passant, but there was a click inside. Krist, this is aggravating. Damn, too bad I didnt tape it, no, no, better not to remember than to have something like that in the house. Even if it is just a video image, things that disgusting should not be in the house, ol Big Jim Kinsey. The souths gift to humanity. Loathsome, despicable son of, hell what was it? Drive myself goofy if I sit here trying to remember. Bes be taking a stroll down by the town square surenuf thank you mam an all the good ol stuff. Balls. Cant remember it and cant stop trying … maybe I should go for a walk. Some pie and coffee might help, an maybe a little people watching or newspaper or something. Yeah, sounds good to me …

  Delightful night. Refreshing … really refreshing. Jacket feels good, damn, dont even remember thinking to put it on. Wonder how I figured that one out? Guess Im just a genius. Who woulda thought? Cool air feels wonderful. Had no idea how hot I was, at least my head … or should I say, my fevered brow? Yeah, think I will. Guess thats where that expression ‘He makes my blood boil’ comes from. Wonder what the boiling temperature of blood is? Boy, the sparrows are really chirping up a storm. Guess theyre feeling invigorated by the air. Wonder what it would be like if they replaced car horns with sparrow chirps? Pretty funny. Have to get one up and replace it with a blue jay squawk or crow caw or … oh god, that/d killya, a peacock screech. Whoa, think I/d rather have the good old fashioned car horn …

  Well, well, still some diners, if thats the right word for people eating in a deli. Sounds better than eaters. Whose eating whom? Oh well, blueberry pie and vanilla ice cream can change anyones perception and bring a lightness to the mind and heart. Really dont like to be gauche, but have to eat it with a spoon. A fork just doesnt cut it, so to speak. Theres always that final blend of melted ice cream and blueberry filling. Oh god, if only it were possible to live on this. Oh, tis a consummation dev—Ah just dont care what all those people are always sayin bout me. Thats it! Right! Thats what he said. Oh thank god Ive finished the pie and ice cream. If I hadnt I might have to leave some behind as I rush home. What a wonder the mind is. Waited until I finished eating before giving me the answer. Oh how sweet the caring charms of Providence. To home, home … home where the heart is … and the Internet. But wait a non sweet Horatio. Leave us take our time. All is in perfect order and will be when we log on. Is it not sweet dear Prince to tantalize one self for a few precious moments? Yes, yes indeed. Stroll past the trees lined with chirping birds and the parked cars dotted with their drippings … or is it droppings? Looks like polka dots and moonbeams. Pretty tune but a lousy metaphor. When its your car its just plain bird shit. Thank god dogs cant fly. Now that would really be a revolting development …

  So, home where the heart is … and the Internet … Clickity clack, clackity click … Yeah, go for it … okay, I/ll try it … and one more … and Wow! A picture and all oh, more than one … I see, some old ones. From the trial. Sure has put on some weight. Good eatin and an untroubled conscience. Do it every time. God, theres more info on this guy than Babe Ruth. Damn near a daily diary since the trial … hmmm, really gets heavy after the first Liberation Day Barbecue. They say you should know your enemy, but this …

  Only need the more recent stuff … what are his habits today? Where do you go Mr Big Jim Kinsey? Do you bowl, go to ball games, some place, some place … no, that bars too small, probably same faces day after day, year after year … same diner … same store … down the road a few miles … no, no … need to find some place where he/ll go where I can get lost in the crowd and I/ll know definitely ahead of time when he will be there. In and out. No over night in a motel. Hello, goodbye. Yeah, bye, bye baby. Something big. Lots of people. Something he always goes to. Crowds to get lost in. Oh Jimmy, Jimmy, you caint stay holed up in the piss ant town all the time. You must go somewheres with people. You must go somewhere … Relax … relax. Plenty of time. Been browsing a couple of hours. Tons to digest. Youll find it. Its there, somewhere. Youll find it. Tomorrow … next day … whenever. No rush. Long day. Yeah, really long day. Stretch … walk around in circles for a few minutes … unlax then go to bed. Gone through a lot of changes today. Jesus, sure as hell have. Forgot. Most of the day like last few days. That lousy gun in my mouth. Feeling so bad I couldnt kill myself. Jesus, just a few hours ago. That eye is winking again. Emotionally wasted. But a bit hyped too. Just like that. Wink, wink. Looking forward to tomorrow. Theres always hope … always something to live for. If you can just hang in until you find it. Yeah. Thank god Ive found it. Again. Ye old winking eye. Well, while its winking these are going to shut. Beat. Will sleep the deep sleep of an untroubled conscience. So Big Jim, you good ol boy, we have something in common. Ha, ha, yeah, if I really believed that I would kill myself. Ahhh, but I havent and so youll meet your demise. Oh Big Jim, your days are numbered and limited. Yeah … numbered and as limited as your intelligence … you fat bigoted slob. An lets see how many jurors are still around. They truly are your peers and you undoubtedly deserve each other, hey wait a minute … I never noticed that or gave it a thought. All that talk about 30 years ago and I didnt do the arithmetic. You were just a young fella then, werent you Jimbo? Somewhere in your early twenties. Too old to be on a vision quest, to pass through the rites of manhood, but maybe thats what you were doing? Trying to prove something. Not too bright, got out of high school and went to work in the chicken packing plant. High school career ‘undistinguished’. Academically the bottom of the class; Socially, bottom of the barrel; Athletically, not even a runner-up in beer drinking. So Big Jim, you were a big zero, a nothing, lonely, lost, a poor little lamb who has gone astray. Damn, you werent even a good car mechanic. Just putter around in a beat up pickup truck. Certainly didnt have a date for the prom, if they had a prom. Stayed home and squeezed your pimples. Yeah, a lousy deal Jim. When youre invisible in a town the size of yours you are truly the invisible man. But youre not invisible anymore. Youre somebody now. Admired. Respected. An annual barbecue in your honor. Yes indeedy do. And all you had to do was murder a couple of black doctors. Damn, I wonder when you go to the big barbecue in the sky if those doctors will be waiting for you? Something to consider I would say. Suppose you have to pass a physical? A complete physical, enemas, probes, the whole works. My, my, my, wonder if one of them was a proctologist. Oh Big Jim, I think youd better opt for hell, it will be much more to your liking. Anyway, enough of this for now. Need to get to bed and rest these tired bones and weary eyes. My god, last night I went to bed with the taste of gun metal in my mouth and tonight I worked until my eyes started closing and Im looking forward to getting up tomorrow morning and getting back to work. I really feel like theres a valid reason to be alive, something to look forward to.

  Yes, is it not wondrous what changes can occur in the wink of an eye? Does not everyone need a reason to live? To make worthwhile the effort of staying alive through such arduous trials, the unreasonable demands made by life upon human frailty? Indeed, such is always the case. And has he not done so exceptional a job of enduring the labors forced upon him? Look … look how soundly and innocently he sleeps. How well he encompasses the combination of human frailty and endurance. Even in the depths of his despair I had faith in him. Has he not always prevailed over these self-same trials and tribulations? It is of no matter when I look into him I find no fault. Vengeance is the Lords, but retribution is in the hands, and hearts, of the righteous. Sleep well. Rest well your stout heart and innocent mind fault
less warrior.

  … my god, there must be hundreds, thousands of people adding information to this website. No idea this guy even existed, but obviously a lot of people do. Why hasnt someone killed him? Guess they dont know how to do it without getting caught. Im sure Im not the only one who wouldnt want to go to prison for killing vermin like that. He looks like a stuffed pig and he/ll die like one. Wonder if someone will tape it. Great end to his website. Yeah, happy ending nice and tidy. But how can I E.coli him and the jury? Will probably have to be done all in the same day. Cant make more than one trip … too dangerous. Lots of shots of the jury after the trial, but what about now? Lets see how many are still alive … couple of them looked old enough at the trial to be dead now. Thirty years is thirty years. Big ol Jim could have another thirty in him … yeah, thats right Jimbo, they may be in you but you aint gonna live them out, and thats for damn sure, Im—Wow, look at that. A group shot at the first barbecue … yeah, they do, one for every year. Man, these people are quick, even got this years already. Yeah, thought so, only eleven. Looks like ol Bubba died just a few months ago … I didnt even know he was sick. Dont know when JR. died. Hope it was painful. Two less to consider. They all get food poisoning, and no one else, going to look suspicious. Dont have to be a Sherlock Holmes to see something fluky about that … Yeah … thats true whats the difference? They can have all the suspicions they want, autopsy all they want … even believe what they want. What do they end up with? Eleven people dead from food poisoning … So it cant be coincidence, so what? No problem … just not a problem. Can even add a little spice to the project. A just ending to this website. Oh no, no way, thats one temptation I will not indulge. Im not adding one word. Will be fun to see what people have to say when they all go belly up. Enough, enough fantasy, have to get back to downloading the pictures and finding some way to get the culture into them … and only them. Well, maybe Big Jims good ol boy who kept putting his big ol han in front of the camra. We/ll see how that works out. Sure hes pic—yeah, there he is, Clyde. Yeah, an even dozen. Good photos. No trouble recognizing them … damn, Im dizzy. Krist, I havent eaten today. Better nuke something. Whatever I grab. Can still get in a couple more hours of work.