by Ryan Michele
“I’ve lost a lot of things over the years, Nox,” I mumble softly, shutting the last dryer and plugging in the quarters. Looking down at the floor, I make my way back over to the bench with Nox on my heels.
“I’m seeing that.” He reaches out and takes my hand. His warmth caresses me like a blanket. It’s gentle and clean. Nothing tainted or bad. This is how life is supposed to be. Easy. Comfortable. Not living in fear of every move I make. Being scared to breathe wrong and suffer the consequences.
Something that I’ll never have as long as I’m with Buck.
He leans in closer. “You want out? I’ll get you as far away from that piece of shit, and he’ll never find you.”
That small little bud of hope comes back, but it always has a way of biting me in the ass. This will be no different.
For hope, well she is not my friend.
5
Nox
She’s shutting down on me. Her eyes tell me all. They have so much expression in them when she doesn’t shutter them closed of emotion. When that void inside melts just a little bit, she comes alive. But as quick as it comes, the mask fits right back in place.
“That will never happen, Nox. Please go.”
I turn her direction. “It can happen if you want it to. If you want to get back to a life you were supposed to have instead of this. I can see with my own eyes how this has broken you. Let me make it better.”
“Broken? That’s how you see me.”
The shields move over her entire expression as it blanks. Reading people. It’s a skill and one my parents made sure I have. I went too far with my words, and she’s closing up on me. Shit.
“No.” I talk fast. “That’s not what I meant.”
My hand scrapes over my face as I huff out a breath. “Look, my sister had some problems, and I wasn’t there for her when she needed me. I just want you to know that I’m here for you. If you want. I’m not pushing. I just want you happy.”
“Nox, I’m not that girl anymore. I’ll never be her again. Some things in life, you just can’t snap your fingers and make them alright, but thank you.”
I need to shift gears here. She’s locking down. With a fire like what I’ve seen in her eyes, if she closes me out there’s no coming back. I can’t explain the pull, but I can’t deny it. I can’t deny her. “What ever happened to that frog costume?”
It takes my breath away when her face lights up as the memories invade her. A flush comes to her cheeks, and that smile tries so damn hard to come out.
“Oh man. I completely forgot about that.” Her lips start to tip, but it’s subtle.
“That was hilarious freshman year when Mr. Davies wanted us to dissect a frog. Instead, you came in with the costume on and recited I don’t know, a dozen reasons why we shouldn’t be cutting up frogs. All while giving the anatomy lesson to show you didn’t need to cut one open to learn what it had inside it.”
Her smile widens just a touch. “Mr. Davies was so mad at me. He tried to explain that it was part of the curriculum, but I didn’t care about any of it.”
“No instead, you croaked like a frog all during class. Did you pass that one?”
She shakes her head. “The assignment—no, but the class—yes. I still have never cut up an innocent frog.”
“For science,” both she and I say in unison, and that’s when it happens. A laugh. Quiet, reserved, but there nonetheless. It’s the Carsyn I remember from school. The one I’d see sitting across the table thinking whoever got her would be a lucky motherfucker and knowing it would never be me.
She allows herself a beat, then the laughter dies. In a flash, the sorrow fills her eyes before she masks it.
“That was a long time ago.” Her voice is so damn quiet. I reach over and put my hand on her thigh and feel it tense. When it doesn’t relax, I move it away. She’s scared enough and doesn’t need me to add to the shit.
“Yeah,” I answer. “We’ve both changed.”
“Some of us not for the better.” She gets up from the seat, moves over to the dryers, opens one and feels inside. She then grabs a basket and pulls clothes out of it. I jump up, but I’m not helping. If it was her shit, I would, but no way in fuck am I touching any of those assholes clothes. They’ll be lucky if I don’t take every single piece out and burn it.
She busies herself with the clothes, folding, sorting, and stacking.
Our time is coming to an end, and I don’t feel like I made any headway whatsoever. Hell, I don’t even know what I want here besides her safe and away from Buck. It’s just this strange pull to her that I can’t break.
It’s not looking like she’s going to give me that opportunity, though. Fuck. I tread carefully as I pull out the phone that I got her from my cut and set it down on the washer. She looks at the phone like it’s going to bite her, then up to me. “If you need anything, I’m number one on that phone. Press it and I won’t hesitate to come and get you. It’s untraceable.”
“I can’t take that,” she says softly.
“I’ll hide it in your car where no one will be able to find it but you.”
She shakes her head putting the folded clothes back in the baskets. “It’s a risk.”
“Babe, everything in life is a risk. You just have to know when it’s a good one or a shit one.”
She gives a small nod, and I take it as a win. Hell, it took me a lot to get that fucker. Even though she’s very apprehensive, she’s putting just a slight bit of trust in me.
I help her carry the baskets to her car and put them in. She pops the trunk where we add more. I reach into the back and pull part of the fabric away. There’s a small cavity, and I place the phone there. “Right here.”
She does nothing but meet my gaze to acknowledge me.
“It was good catching up with you, Nox. Take care of yourself.” She slips in the car before I can say anything to her, but I push open her door and put my body between it, not letting it close.
“Anytime you need me. Day or night. You turn that phone on and call me.” I practically plead with her, but something inside tells me she’s not going to use it.
It’s all I can do right now, and I have to let her make her own decisions. Even if I don’t like them, I have no claim on her and I worry just yanking her out would have her running back to him out of fear. I don’t have all the pieces to the puzzle yet, but I will.
“Bye, Nox.” Her tone is full of despair. Is it her home? Me giving her a way out? Or just plain fear that when she leaves me she’s going back to him. I’m not sure. Fear can do things to a person, even have them make choices they normally wouldn’t.
I just hope that if she does call me, it’s not too late.
“Bye, beautiful,” I say, closing the door and taking a step back. She drives off, and I can’t help but watch her go. Sometimes, you just can’t win for trying. This is one of those times.
**
We’ve been busting our asses trying to get Austyn, Ryker, and Emery’s place fixed, and it’s nice having a break. It didn’t take us long because we all worked together, but fuck it was a lot of sweat. Both Austyn and Emery loved it. Austyn and Ryker live in the main house while Emery lives in the smaller house to the side.
There’s something going on with her and Jacks, but he hasn’t said much about it yet. It’ll come. Hell, with Micah home too, that shit is going to blow up eventually. Jacks is definitely interested in Emery, but hell if I know what Em wants.
Not my problem. I’ve got enough of those on my own.
My sleep is shit lately. It’s the same dream that repeats over and over again on a continuous loop, never stopping or slowing down. Carsyn. Every damn time it’s about her.
Carsyn’s eyes are void as Buck grasps her around the throat. Her hands come up to claw at his but get nowhere. She looks at me for help as I dart to her. Except the ground is covered in a quicksand mud, and each step sinks me deeper and deeper into the black depths. Her eyes are pleading with me, and I can’t reach her. Buck lets
go only to pull out a gun and fire a shot into Carsyn’s forehead.
Several nights the dream has been on repeat. Each time making me wake up in a sweat and guilt surrounding me because I can’t help her.
Fuck. I hate this shit. She just won’t leave my dreams.
I’ve never been so consumed by something, by someone as her.
My apartment is down the road from the clubhouse. It’s barely used and is more for storage than actual living. One thing I hate about it is it’s quiet and not a comfortable one. It’s lonelier. Therefore, I usually stay at the clubhouse in my room there.
Growing up around all the commotion is integrated in my head. If I do stay here for some reason, I have to have the music on to fall asleep.
Strange quirk of mine that I’ve learned to deal with over the years.
The ache to get out on the road and escape for a few days hits me hard. Every so often I take off on my own, driving down the coast. It’s become a normal thing with the guys. It gives me time to be alone and recharge with the sound of my bike beneath me. The more I fight my instincts with Carsyn, the more my mind and body crave the escape alone.
Except, I can’t right now because there’s a run that needs to be taken care of. Yes, I’ll be out on the road, but there’s nothing like being on the road and really having no destination except where the wind takes you. Runs are structured, but that’s for a reason. They have to be planned and alternate routes need to be in mind.
Grabbing shit, I head out the door and fill up my saddlebags with all the necessary stuff for a few days.
Maybe this run will help me get Carsyn out of my head, or if I think about her the entire time it may just drive me crazy.
6
Carsyn
The warm water hits me from every angle as I dip my head in it letting it pound off of me and cascade down to the floor. Funny how even with a shower, I never feel totally clean. Even scrubbing the soap over my body doesn’t work, and I gave up trying years ago.
Buck wants me dressed and ready to entertain in an hour. He didn’t give me any specifics, but whatever it is, I know I’ll hate.
Thoughts of Nox crash into my mind as I close my eyes. The way his warmth felt on my skin. The look of concern in his eyes that were practically pleading for me to take his help.
I’ve thought about it. A lot over the last four days.
The problem is once I get out then what? I have no job. I have no experience in anything. I don’t even have my high school diploma because Buck wouldn’t let me leave to go to school.
There is no money at all, and every piece of my clothing I’d burn. Then there’s the fact that I would be completely alone, and I don’t know how I feel about that. Buck has been such an integral part in my life that I’m not sure I know how to live if he’s not there. Not that I couldn’t, but the fear that he’d show is always in the back of my mind.
Nox didn’t say anything about fixing any of those things—just getting me out. While that’s great and all, I’ll have nothing. No food. No clothes. No bed to sleep in. Nowhere to turn and no plan as to what’s next.
So what? It’s better than sleeping in Buck’s bed.
My stomach churns because I know my thoughts are right, but I can’t seem to find myself picking up the phone he gave me and making the call. I even brought it into Buck’s room, pulling up a floorboard in the corner under a heavy bookshelf and putting it in there.
I’m a coward.
It’s one of many things I hate about myself now.
But it’s just not as easy as leaving. There are so many ramifications to this decision. Buck won’t go down without looking everywhere for me, but maybe, just maybe, I could get a small piece of time by myself.
Hope blooms once again, and I stuff it down. That isn’t going to get me anywhere tonight.
Getting out of the shower, I set forth on making myself look desirable in the way that Buck likes. With each stroke of the mascara, bile rolls around in my stomach.
Even without a job, I could find one out there.
But I couldn’t use my ID or Buck would find me.
Why are there walls at every turn? Why can’t this work? Maybe because it was never meant to be.
I search in the back of the closet for the four-inch red platform heels that are Buck’s favorite. His clothes are on the bottom rack while mine are on the top. Our shoes are combined at the bottom, and it’s been a long time since I’ve worn these heels. If his expectation is for me to dress up, then I need to get it right from top to toe.
On my knees, I move shoes out of my way searching. They’re in here because no way Buck would throw them away. Digging under Buck’s clothes, I’m careful not to knock any off because putting them back will take more time.
Time is never my friend.
A sharp pain hits the top of my finger, and I pull it out quickly seeing a drop of blood coming off of it. Sticking it in my mouth, the metallic taste fills it.
What the hell is back there?
Pushing a hole in the clothes, a metal box lays there with dirt dusting the top. I’ve cleaned out this closet many times, but never have I seen this. Tugging it out, I flip open the latch surprised it’s not locked.
My heart squeezes as the air leaves my body. On top is a picture of my mother and I, smiling at the camera. Her arm is around my shoulders, and the look of pride crosses her features. She’s so beautiful, and I miss those eyes. The ones that comforted me and gave me strength growing up to be who I was, never conforming to what others thought.
A tear threatens to leave my eye, and I push it back not wanting to mess up my makeup and have to redo it.
There are letters. Lots of letters. Some addressed to me. Some addressed to Buck—all opened at the top. Pulling the first one addressed to me out, I read.
* * *
Carsyn,
* * *
I watched you sleep last night all curled up in your pink and white covers with your little nightlight giving you a soft glow. You looked like an angel, especially when you gave the soft smiles while you were in your dreams.
Dreams.
I have so many for you. So many hopes and wishes surround you each and every minute you’re on this earth.
You can be and do anything in this world. Your light shines so bright that whoever comes into your life will shine right along with you.
That light has been engrained in you since you were born and each year, it has grown brighter and brighter. I can’t wait to see what comes next for you. What ambitions you will have and things you will conquer.
Because you will.
Your strength is immeasurable. I just hope you put it to great use. Seriously though, when I look at you, there is not one thing I would change about the person you are growing into. I love how brave you are and how you go at any challenge with full force.
Sometimes I lose my way with that, and I pull strength from you. You probably don’t know that, but it’s true. You are an inspiration to me every single day.
Stay true to yourself. Stay strong. Keep your head on straight and let your dreams soar. I know you will. You’re going places in this world, and I’ll be by you every step of the way.
* * *
Love,
Mom
* * *
The tears cascade down my face as I’m unable to hold them back. She’s right. Everything inside this letter is right. Where have I gone all wrong? Hell, where have I gone?
A heavy knock comes to the door and I jump tossing everything back in the box, closing it and sticking it back under Buck’s clothes.
“Let’s go!” Big Jim says as I grab my heels, dart to the bathroom, and pull myself together quickly. There’s red in my eyes. I find eye drops and put them in quickly as the pounding starts again. I have to go, or Buck will be pissed.
Sucking in a deep breath, I open the door just as I put my heels on. Big Jim looks me up and down, lust all over his face. I try to ignore it. He grabs my arm and pulls me hard against his
body. “Maybe I should see if Buck’ll let me go a round with ya.”
My stomach rolls, but all I do is nod. There’s no use in talking. I’ll end up saying something that I shouldn’t. In the quiet is where I’ll be safest.
Big Jim leads me down the hallway and to the basement stairs. My feet freeze causing me to stumble in my heels as fear catches me in its grip. The basement isn’t a place for me. The last time I was down there, I hurt for days and days. It was the time when I couldn’t move for weeks.
Big Jim pulls me hard and my feet walk, each step more fearful than the next. What does Buck have in store? What is this?
Reaching the bottom of the stairs, six guys stand center of the room smoking and drinking beer. Their focus comes to me as I enter. Buck walks up to me and kisses me hard on the lips then grabs my arm squeezing hard.
“Boys, this is my sister for your entertainment tonight.” Buck pushes me hard into one of the guys, and I fall into his arms. “Make sure you have rubbers. No one goes in raw, but me.”
No. This can’t be happening.
I try to fight out of his arms, but the crack of a hand against my cheek has me crying out in pain as the burn travels down my skin.
“You little slut. Just wait,” the guy grumbles in my ear. There’s a struggle, but he wins easily and pushes me down to the floor. Each of the guys grabs one of my limbs holding me in place. Buck hits me in the stomach hard knocking all the air out of me, and my body stills.
It’s at that point my mind turns off. It’s done this for years. I’m awake and can feel everything. Every touch. Every pain. Every twist. I have to disengage. Otherwise... Well, otherwise, it will eat me alive. They get off on my agony. The less I react the faster it will end.
In my mind I’m not there. Instead, there’s a field with tall grass and flowers spread throughout. The sun is shining, warming me from the coldness. The birds chirp. The wind rustles.