by Ryan Michele
Tears begin running down her cheeks. “He’s gone. My grandpa… they can’t save him gone.” She looks up to me, pain all over her. “How am I supposed to say goodbye? He wasn’t supposed to go yet. He…” She blows out a deep breath. “Gram doesn’t even get to tell him bye, Nox. And Gram… if he’s not a match, we’ll lose her too.”
Gripping the back her neck, I pull her to me and wrap my arms around her body as she sobs. She shakes everywhere, and we stay like this for long moments. There’s nothing that I can do to help her. We’re all helpless, one thing the Ravage MC doesn’t do well with.
Rylynn’s breathing calms down as she pulls away and wipes her eyes. She pulls herself together no doubt not wanting the others to see a slight crack in the armor that she wears so well. She doesn’t want to worry her mother any more than she already is, and I respect that. “Thanks for that. I couldn’t let it out in front of Mom. She’s about ready to go off the deep end.”
“Not to mention the guys would give you shit,” I joke, trying to lighten the mood just a touch.
The corner of her lip tips up slightly. “That too.”
“Come on.” Wrapping my arm around her, I lead her back into the hospital where she goes to sit by her mom and dad, while I park my ass next to my sister.
My mind races on where Carsyn would’ve gone. I’m hoping that she’s somewhere safe and no one has found her. Worry seeps in. If Buck found her, he’d do more than hurt her. He’d kill her. That I have no doubt in my mind. He’s a sick sonuvabitch.
I’d hoped she’d stay with Gunny for a while longer than she had, but fuck—she got spooked. My plate is starting to overfill, and emotions threaten to come burrowing out. My entire world is shaken, and I’m torn between being here with my family and going out to find Carsyn. No matter what I do, I can’t shake her. She’s in my thoughts and dreams.
Inhaling deep, I center myself and put the focus on the here and now. Dagger and Mearna are the top priority. Everything else is going to have to wait. There’s no choice.
**
An hour later the doctor who came out before comes out behind those metal doors. It’s like those damn things have some type of force field around them or something. In a way, I guess they do.
The difference between life and death.
The difference between good news and bad.
I’m starting to hate those fucking doors.
He marches up to Tanner and Rhys, who stand. “He’s a match. We need to do the surgery now.”
Tanner cries, “Thank God,” then shakes her head and her body trembles. “Sorry, Daddy.”
It has to be gut wrenching having one parent die to allow the other the chance to live. Knowing you’re losing one to save the other is fucked up on so many levels. But Dagger would want that. He’d want to help his woman live. It doesn’t make the deep cut of his death any easier, though.
It doesn’t make any of it easier, and I can feel it in the room. The air is tense, each one of us with heartbreak on our sleeves. Losing one of our own rips at us.
Rhys holds on to his woman, pushing her face into his chest while relief and sorrow mar his features. This is a double-edged sword, one good and one horrible.
“You’ve already signed the forms. Do you want to go back and see him one last time?”
Tanner nods as the doctor turns around and she, Rylynn, and Rhys follow him. The stillness around us is compelling. All of us struck with this loss that our hearts ache. This is family, and we’re about to lose one of its original members. Our brother and friend.
Fifteen minutes later, Tanner, Rylynn, and Rhys come out. She’s a hot mess, and Rhys is trying to keep his temper in check. His eyes focus on Buzz, who lifts his chin and stands up. I do as well looking at my mother. “Call me with any updates. I’m goin’ with Buzz.”
Cooper, Jacks, Green, Breaker, Tug and several others rise as well. Rylynn looks as though she wants to but stays by her mother’s side, instead giving me a look that I need to call her with information. That’s not going to happen until we get the problem eliminated.
We may be helpless when it comes to Dagger, but we’re going to find this fucker and make him pay.
16
Carsyn/Ava
The double shift just about did me in. Sixteen hours on my feet is too damn long. They are pretty much numb at this point, and I have no idea how I made it back to my place. Tossing everything to the table and locking the door, I kick off my shoes and fall to the bed. There will be no shower because I can’t move. Exhaustion takes over turning everything black.
Nox’s hands trail up my leg, behind my knee, up my thigh, and to my stomach where he leans over and kisses me softly. His eyes lift to mine showing me the lust and passion he feels in this moment. Me, I feel wanted and cherished. Safe.
He moves between my thighs, his hot tongue licking a path all the way to my clit, which screams in agony desperately seeking relief.
His hand comes to my hips as he maneuvers me the way he wants me, licking, sucking, nipping and driving me to the brink of orgasm. Like he knows, he pulls back each time making his touches build and build.
“Nox,” I breathe out, moving my hips in time with his lips giving a phenomenal friction.
I’m so close.
Nox pulls away, and my head jerks up. “What?”
His smile is wicked as he kisses his way up my body, stopping at my hardened nipples to circle the tips and massage them. Then he moves up to me, slanting his head and kissing me.
It’s powerful and demanding, yet safe and I feel immersed in it, wanting more and more. His hands move over my body as I move mine on his, feeling the ridges of his chest and abs, my fingertips skipping over them. This man is beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.
He releases my mouth to look me in the eyes, and he slides his cock inside me and fills me up to the hilt. A cry falls from my lips as his come down on mine, covering the sound.
This is what I want. This is what I need. This is what I crave.
Nox. Safe. Clean and wanting me and only me. He’s the rock I’ve never had since my mother died.
His thrusts become harder, pushing me further and further. It’s right there. Right on the cusp…
I wake with a start then take in my surroundings. My place looks exactly the same, and I’m still in my work clothes from the night before. Damn. Those long shifts really wipe me out, but the money is too good to pass up. I’ve only done them twice and know they’re worth it, but it wreaks havoc on my body.
My dreams lately are killing me, having Nox there, then waking to him not being here. It’s a let down I hate, but he invades my dreams and I like that. If I can’t have him, at least I have the memories of him. My safe place, where I can talk, be me, and not feel like I’m on eggshells hoping I don’t fuck something up and get a wrath.
It’s just a dream, but it’s still safe. With Nox, I’m safe.
My feet groan as I stand, still feeling the effects of last night. Making my way to the corner of the room, I pull up the carpet and boards making sure my bag is inside then close it all up. It’s one thing I’ve done religiously every time I come into the room. Last night, though, nothing could move me off the bed. Dead weight doesn’t move.
Getting a whiff of my hair and the food covering my clothes, I make a bee line for the bathroom and wash off the night before then get dressed.
My fridge is getting low, and a food run is going to be on the agenda at some point. It’s my day off, so that’s a good thing. My feet probably wouldn’t make it another eight hours right now.
Finger combing my hair, I look over my low stock of food. Tossing together a sandwich, the television plays in the background while I eat. Nothing good is on, and I end up watching the Home Shopping Network for some God-awful reason.
Looking at the clock, I breathe out a sigh of relief. Last night right before my shift ended, a tattoo artist came in commenting on the ink on my leg. She told me to come by her shop today at three and she’d do one o
n the house wanting to grow her portfolio.
Immediately, I knew what I wanted. A way to remember. Him.
Slipping on my tennis shoes, I look out the peephole and see no one outside. The door swings open with ease, and the place is empty. This is good. Grabbing my purse and locking the door, I make my way down the street to the shop.
She, Jade, said that it was on the next block over from the restaurant where I worked. It shouldn’t be that hard. I tried declining last night, telling her that I wouldn’t feel right not paying. And the truth is, I don’t have the money right now for one. But Jade was persistent, saying she wanted a spot on my canvas for her collection.
I shouldn’t be doing this, taking something for nothing. But once she mentioned it, I knew I needed to do it. Craved it more than I realized.
My eyes dart all around me, just looking and waiting. At any moment, Buck could show up. He could’ve been the one calling Gunny and Sharon’s home and hanging up for all I know. If I’m not there, they won’t get hurt. If I’m invisible, I won’t get hurt.
Walking into I’m No Angel tattoo shop, Jade’s eyes widen. “You came!”
Plastering on my smile, I respond, “Yeah.”
The place is nice. There are four different stations and a small reception area. Photos of different graphics line the walls from top to the tiled floor only allowing the windows their space.
“Great.” Jade comes up beside me. “Let’s go in my room and get your ideas down.”
Jade takes me down a long hallway where my heart beats rapidly in my chest. I should’ve brought my gun. You can do this, I tell myself and wipe my hands down my pants trying to remove the dampness.
Jade stops in front of a door doing a sweeping motion with her arm for me to enter. The room is just like the ones out in the open in front. The artwork along the walls is intricate and a bit different from the ones out in the main room. Maybe she did all of these? Or someone she cares about? Listen to me. Who cares. Just get the tattoo and be done.
“Have a seat and tell me what you’re thinking.”
The cool vinyl sticks to my legs as I point to my calf. “I’d like another butterfly on top of the others. It has to be 3D but this one I want different. I’d like it red and black and somewhere inside of it can you hide the letter N?”
“Oh, let me get drawing.” She turns to her desk and starts to draw. Some artists like to talk during this process while others like quiet. Judging from her silence, she’s the latter.
It takes her no time at all and she’s showing me the most beautiful butterfly, but I don’t ask where the N is. I want it to be invisible to the naked eye. Including mine until it’s on my body.
“Perfect. Let me get the ink set up, and we’ll get started.”
The needles poke in my skin over and over again, while the buzzing fills the room. Each movement of the gun causes goose bumps to rise on my flesh.
A message on my skin that no one can erase, as if I’m rewriting my story and starting anew. Because once upon a time, I knew what it was to be free and to live a life full of love, happiness, and hope. Most would think that I’d need a blank canvas for that, but for me it’s different. Each tattoo is my life. The good, bad, ugly and really fucking bad all wrapped in words and pictures around me.
I needed this to remind me of the brief moment in time where I meant something other than a pretty face. That a man looked at me like I hung the moon and not as a useless human being.
It had to be a butterfly down with the others on my calf because each one of those represented something I lost and ached to get back. Time. My mother. Freedom. Same with Nox. He was gone—something else I lost in this thing called life. It also represented the strength of the connection I felt with him.
It is also because of Nox, he got me away and gave me a second chance—free. A new rebirth. All of it important. All of it in one small bout of ink on my skin representing so much it should cover my entire body—my entire being.
Something for me to hold dear until my dying breath.
“Hun, you doin’ okay?” Jade asks as I look down at her. She’s covered in concern.
I give her my most compelling smile that I’ve mastered over the years. It’s the one that’s saved me many times. It will more than likely also be my demise.
“Yep,” I answer, laying my head back on the cushioned chair.
This is something that no one can take away from me. A piece of him that I’ll carry for all times. No matter if Buck finds me or doesn’t, at least I’ll remember.
A sharp stab of fear, then resolve comes over me.
Fighting, kicking, and screaming would be the only way. Never would I go willingly. I’d pay for it, that much I know. But under it all, I’ve learned from Gunny that I’m a fighter. I refuse to go down easy, no matter how much it will cost me later.
Carving out a little bit of happy isn’t easy when you’re always looking over your shoulder wondering when the other shoe will drop. Because it will. At some point before I die, the shoe will hit the ground and shatter my world.
It could be Buck or something else, but I’ll be as ready as I can for that moment.
The buzzing continues and I try my damnedest to not let thoughts invade me because each time they do, this feeling pulls me lower. The anguish, hate, betrayal, and hurt all want to take me down. I’ve let them, many times.
Hope is all I have. The hope that they won’t find me. There is this sliver inside of me that will not die. As my mom used to say, it’s the strength of a Kratos coming through. It’s in our blood, the fight to carry on and push through. She had a thing for Greek Gods that I never understood, but those words are what I hold on to.
“All done.”
I sit up and see the amazing butterfly up my calf almost to my knee. The wings are beautifully spread, and the detail of each line is exquisite. The reds are deep and move lighter in some parts, each shading together and creating a beauty I’ll cherish forever. Normally I’d get this done on my birthday, but this one is special and free.
“Where’s the N?”
Jade smiles. “You told me to make it invisible.” Her fingers move to the ink. “Here. It’s in the veins on the bottom right wing.”
Low and behold, there it is blended in with some color. Now that I know it’s there, it’s plain as day. But no one will know by looking at it. It’ll be my secret, and he’ll never leave me.
“It’s great. You did amazing work.”
“Thanks. It’s my pleasure. I appreciate you letting me work on you. Can I take a picture of it?”
Apprehension sets in, but I push it to the side. “Sure, but just my leg.”
She snaps the shot with her phone then covers it in goo and wraps it up. She tosses a bottle of the goo to me. “You know the drill.”
A smile tips my lips. “Yeah.”
“I’m building up my portfolio and this is a perfect addition to it.”
Shrugging, I say, “Glad to help.”
“We helped each other. Is N someone special?”
My throat tightens. Special. There’s so much more to him than special. He’s the light to my dark. He’s… everything. “Something like that.” I hop down from the table. “Thanks again.”
Jade walks me out, and I hustle to the store which is on the way back to my place. Inside I grab the necessities and make my way back to the hotel.
Opening the door, then locking it and setting the bags down on the small table, I freeze and look around the place frantically. Clothes are all over every surface. The bed is turned upside down, and stuffing is laying on the floor in several different piles. What food I had is tossed, and the television is smashed to pieces.
First, I slowly make my way to the bathroom, not hearing anything. Looking inside it’s empty of people but not things.
My body shakes, and breaths come in harder and harder. The bathtub is filled with dead monarch butterflies.
He’s found me.
He’s found me.
&nb
sp; He’s found me.
Panic overrides me. I have to get gone. Now.
17
Nox
Nothing. That’s exactly what we’ve found when it comes to the car that killed Dagger and hurt Mearna. Every single angle we’ve looked, all putting our heads together—zero. There is no paper trail at all for the car. Not even any trails on the Internet or security cameras. It was like everything went black for a few moments of time, blocking everything out. At the very least we should have pictures of the driver from security footage, but not even that.
The clubhouse is filled with anger, and there’s nothing anyone can do until we find out who did it. My brother has been at the gym a lot hitting out his aggression, while others are drinking to cope with theirs. Everyone has their way.
I’ve joined Coop a few times, but it did nothing but wear me out causing me to sleep. Which is a good thing, but not. I want to be alert when something pops up.
“I’m puttin’ feelers out,” my father says, looking over to GT, my uncle and VP. “Want any information and I’ll pay.”
GT nods and leaves the room.
We’re out of options. It’s been eight days and Mearna is home resting, but absolutely devastated. She has casts on her leg and arm. The transplant has gone well so far, but her recovery will be long and intense.
The funeral for Dagger is tomorrow. We held off until Mearna was able to get out of the hospital, and everyone is on edge because of it. Knowing that Dagger is in a cooler and not properly buried is killing us. While we know it’s for the best, it’s just hard. Fuck, this entire thing is hard.
I’ve had no time to get information on Carsyn, except that Gunny called saying he still hadn’t heard from her. It eats at me not knowing where she is and if she’s safe.
We’ve been climbing the walls thinking at any moment we’d find out who did this and be able to right a wrong. Not that the death of someone else will help us with Dagger, but it’s something and right now it’s all we can hang on to. I’ve put Carsyn on the backburner, as much as it kills me to during this time, but that’s over.