by Ryan Michele
That’s no way to live. Neither is going home with Buck.
My stomach twists as I fall back to the bed watching the ceiling fan go around and around. It would’ve been better if I had the balls to dip the razor blade deeper into my arm. I’d be free. Really free. No one would’ve cared. Buck probably would’ve buried me outside the clubhouse, and no one would be the wiser.
At least if I weren’t breathing, I wouldn’t be here.
Crying, I fall asleep.
**
His hands come to my throat and grip me so hard I can’t breathe. I’m gasping, trying to get much needed oxygen, but it won’t enter my lungs. Fuck.
I sit up straight, sucking my lungs full of air rapidly while gripping my throat. The dream still has its hold on me as I try to shake it off. Thunder claps loudly outside, and flashes of light filter through the night sky.
That must’ve been what work me up.
Clutching my gun, I turn on the light.
Will I ever get a full night of sleep? That answer is no.
After splashing some water on my face, I pick up the backpack and pull a few things out so I can get to the bottom. I had to ditch the metal case where my mother’s letters were and stuffed them in the bottom of the bag. I can only carry so much, but I have them and they’re safe.
Flipping through the envelopes, some have Buck’s name while others have mine. They are all opened with what looks like an opener because there are no tears. Someone took time to open these gently so they wouldn’t get damaged. While I’m assuming it’s Buck, it’s just a guess. He could’ve stolen these from her house for all I know.
Or someone gave them to him.
It’s a question I don’t want the answer to because that would mean I’m with Buck to ask it. All this time I’ve had them, but have been too terrified to open them.
I’m tired of being terrified.
I’m tired of living a life where I’m looking behind my back every few seconds.
I’m tired of panicking over sounds that normal people wouldn’t be bothered by. The air conditioner clicking on is one of them. Door handles rattling is another.
I’m just exhausted in general.
Pulling out a letter addressed to me, the paper is worn and folded into thirds. Opening it, my mother’s handwriting stares back at me and tears fall from my eyes. Damn, I miss her. If only I hadn’t been driving that night, she’d still be here.
* * *
My sweet girl,
* * *
The world is a vast place filled with possibilities. You know after your father died, I lost my way for a while, but did the best I could with you.
Some of the choices I’ve made, I would change, but for the most part I learned from those experiences as will you.
There will be times in life that you don’t know what to do or where to look.
You will be low and not feel like there is a way through the madness that can be life.
You can.
You will.
Each obstacle you come across is just that—an obstacle. You can maneuver around it. You just have to be smarter than it and power through.
It won’t be easy, but nothing in life worth having ever is.
You can do this. You are strong. I raised you that way.
Live free.
* * *
Love you,
Mom
* * *
I need to make some decisions and make them fast. Fuck Buck. A bullet between the eyes would surely stop him.
19
Nox
The wind around me along with the freedom spills out among all of my brothers. We ride in a pack, each of us taking position to have each others backs. That’s what this world is—family. Always has been. Always will be.
After telling my father what Austyn found and confirming Carsyn did indeed use the credit card, he backed me up and I rallied the guys who were more than willing to go out and kick some ass.
This ride though, my tension is higher because I have to get to my girl. No matter how long this ride is, I won’t be able to settle until she’s on the back of my bike.
We pull off to a gas station and fill up.
“Would you hurry the fuck up?” Ryker calls into the bathroom at a truck stop. We’ve been riding for a while, and Austyn hasn’t sent me any more texts so I’m hoping that Carsyn is staying put. While I don’t know if Buck is for sure after her, I’m playing it as he is and going from there.
Deke comes storming out of the restroom, the door slamming against the wall and a scowl on his face. He gets right up in Ryker’s face. “Stop bein’ a dick.”
Ryker chuckles, “What? Your shit hard to come out?”
Deke cracks his knuckles at his side, and I know it’s time for me to step in and get this shit to simmer down.
We’ve been on the road for about nine hours, taking a few stops for food and fuel. The map said it would be around eleven hours straight through and while tired, we’re pressing through. It’s causing some of them to get a little cranky, though.
I step between them. “Alright, assholes. Knock it the fuck off. We need to get back on the road.”
Deke’s fire-raged eyes come to me. My cousin has an anger problem, and the sad thing is it’s calmed down since being with his woman. “I throw the first punch,” he says, turning and heading out to the bikes.
“Fuck, he needs to get laid,” Ryker jokes, following him out the door.
“What, you gonna give him some?” Cooper says, clamping a hand on his shoulder as we all laugh.
“Fuck you.”
“Fuck you back.” My brother laughs, swinging his leg over the bike and firing it up.
I look down at my phone and see a text from Austyn. Checked out of hotel and on the move. No activity yet.
Fuck me. “She’s moving.”
The bikes shut down as I tell Cooper, Ryker, Deke, Green and Jacks what the text says. It livens the group up. “Need to keep going and hope we make it to her before those assholes.”
“This is her brother and he fucks her?” Jacks’ face is covered in disgust, and I can’t blame him.
“Stepbrother,” I correct. “More like rapes her.”
Some of the faces in front of me turn stony. “Let’s go,” Coop calls out as we fire our bikes and head out.
I just fuckin’ hope we find her, before it’s too late.
20
Carsyn/Ava
Eyes. I feel them on me, but as I look around the street, no one sticks out. There are lots of people walking, but none taking an interest in me. I’m not sure if it’s fear and paranoia or if someone is watching me.
I need to find somewhere smaller and remote—away from people. Deep in the city isn’t for me. Too many noises coming from everywhere.
Stopping in at a sandwich shop, I grab a turkey on white and shove it in my bag. The bus station is a bit from here, and I rode in a cab to get to the hotel. Now, you think I could find one of the yellow bastards? Of course not.
At least the people around me are a deterrent if someone is following me because if I yell and scream, hopefully one of them would help.
My gun is in the back of my jeans with my backpack covering it. If I have to use it, I will.
The urge to use the phone creeps up hard. One call. It would be so easy to call Nox and have him come and get me. If only Buck wouldn’t go after him. I know I made the right decision sending him on his way and leaving the safety of Gunny and Sharon’s place. It just doesn’t make it any better feeling like I’m completely alone. Wait… because I am.
Go figure.
It’s either a blessing or a curse that I have a good memory. It’s how I’m able to make my way through the busy streets.
An hour later, my feet burn and calf muscles ache, but the bus station is in front of me. A relieved breath escapes me as I make my way to the ticket counter; a young guy in his early twenties is at the register.
There are two things I know. One, I need the ticket ou
t of here. And two, I need to use a different name therefore not giving him my ID. Tricky, but I’m going to give it a hell of a shot.
His dark hair almost reminds me of Nox, but that’s the only reminder. He wouldn’t mind if I pretended he was someone else, right?
With a wide smile, I bounce on my feet and move up to the counter. “Hi.”
His eyes fill with lust as he licks his bottom lip. It’s a look I’m very familiar with and can work with. May not like it, but desperate times and all that shit.
“Hey.” I look down bashfully, flickering my eyes. Fuck, this is not easy. Makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me. Flirting with an attractive man should be easy, right? Putting my past behind me, I go for it.
“I need a ticket to Oklahoma City please.”
“Sure thing, sweetie. What’s your name?”
Name. Name. Shit. Scrambling, I come up with, “Samantha Greenway.” I had a friend in grade school by the name of Samantha and I saw some Greenway something on television. Hell if I know. I’m just hoping it works.
I pull a lock of my hair and twist it while biting on my bottom lip.
“Nice to meet you, Samantha. I’m Toby.”
“Oh… is that short for Tobias?” The change in my tone is hopefully seductive.
He grins widely, typing on his keyboard. “Yeah, it is.”
“That reminds me of that movie Divergent. That guy was named that, but…” I give a dramatic pause, leaning in closer. “You’re much more handsome.” Lies, lies, lies. He’s not bad looking, but come on. Four? Yeah, that’s the guy’s name in the movie. He’s pretty hot. Not as hot as Nox, but there are few who are.
“You’re beautiful yourself.”
Heat rushes up my cheeks, and it’s not fake. I’m not used to anyone saying those things to me and they are hard for me to swallow, but I do. “Why, thank you.”
Toby slides the ticket over to me. “How much do I owe ya?”
He winks. “It’s on me. You come back, look me up.” He slips another paper to me with his name and number.
My lips tip. “Sure thing, Toby. Thank you. You take care.”
Grabbing everything, I make a bee line for the bathroom feeling a hell of a lot of relief. Shit. I did it, and he gave it to me free. How is that even possible? Not saying I’m not damn happy about it, but just a little bit of flirting and he was so frazzled he didn’t ask me.
This may be the way I can really get away. I can only hope there aren’t a lot of security cameras. The hat only does so much.
Slipping in the bathroom and entering the stall, I lock the door and pull out the ticket to see I have thirty-two minutes before boarding. That’s not bad timing. After using the facilities and grabbing my bags, I open the door and stop dead.
Big Jim stands in the doorway while Cary D, another one of Buck’s friends, holds a woman with his hand over her mouth and a gun to her head. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
“Slide it over, Carsyn,” Big Jim demands.
“What?”
“Don’t play stupid with me.” Big Jim starts to move forward, and I reach behind me and pull out the gun holding it steady. “Oh, look at you. Got you a gun, huh? You know that’s not gonna stop us.”
“Don’t move or I shoot.”
“Give me the gun or that bitch there is dead.” The brunette woman has tears rolling down her face. She’s carrying a small pink backpack and her eyes are frantic. She has a kid. Fuck.
“Carsyn, this is how it’s going to go. You give me the gun and come with me. Once we’re in the car, Cary D will let the bitch go.”
“Please…” the woman begs, and my heart breaks for her. If I shot the cops would come, and while that’s not the best idea it is something. But the chances of me taking out both Big Jim and Cary D aren’t very good. One gun on me, one gun on the woman, and only one in my hand.
The odds aren't look good.
“Decide,” Cary D growls then fires a shot at the woman’s foot hitting her. Her screams are covered by the hand over her mouth and the sound muffled from a silencer. Shit.
I need to get out of here and away from the woman. If I’m by a bunch of people, I can fight Big Jim. Nerves bounce around me. I have to do this. There is no one here who is going to help me. But I need to know something.
“Is Buck with you?”
Big Jim smiles, but it’s not a nice one. It’s the one that makes me want to run screaming for the hills. Shit.
“Of course, he is. He’s in the van.”
My heart thumps wildly as I try to come up with a way out of this. I’m the only one who’s going to help me, and I’m not going back with them. Not getting in that van.
Guilt for the mother next to me slams into me hard. I can’t let her die. I can’t let her leave her kid, especially when I have nothing to live for. She cries hysterically breaking my heart. Fuck.
Alright, Carsyn. Get Big Jim out of here, then fight. As long as there are people around and I cause a commotion it’ll work.
Gunny showed me moves that could take him down. I can do it.
Steadying my resolve, I lower the gun and set it on the floor.
“You are one stupid bitch,” Big Jim says, charging forward and slamming his fist in my jaw. “Night, night.”
Something sharp injects into my arm and everything around me gets fuzzy. I hear the sound of shots, but I’m lifted and can’t move. It’s like my limbs are heavy weights. Inside, I’m screaming at the people around us, but nothing comes out of my mouth. Fear encases me in its web, strangling me. I want to fight, but nothing works.
I’m trying to pick up my arms to punch, but can’t.
No! This is not supposed to be happening. What are they going to do to me? God, there are so many things. This can’t happen. Tears well in my eyes and everything becomes blurry.
One thing is true. I’m a stupid bitch.
21
Nox
We pull off the side of the road a few miles from where Carsyn was last seen. Grabbing my phone, I call Austyn who answers on the first ring.
“Security footage has her at the Greyhound station, but Nox…” The pit of dread fills my gut. “Five minutes ago, she was carried out by a very big man who had a smile plastered on his face like carrying an unconscious woman out of the bathroom is a normal thing.”
“Fuck!” I explode as my brothers look for guidance. Too bad I have no fucking clue at the moment. “Where?”
“She’s in a gray Dodge minivan with the windows blacked out. It pulled out of the parking lot exactly three and a half minutes ago and is traveling south. It’s the last thing I can pull up right now.”
“Fuck. Text me when you find out something.”
“Will do.” I disconnect, running my fingers through my hair and telling the guys.
“Let’s fuckin’ go, guys. Pulled it up on GPS. We’re only two minutes out if they’re going south,” Green says, holding up his phone. With a chin lift we are all on our bikes and heading in that direction, Green taking the lead.
I look down at my phone resting on the phone case I mounted to the tank. When I did it, I was pissed never thinking I’d use it while riding. It’s come in handy several times over the years, now especially, as I keep my eye on the road and my phone, hoping I’m not too late.
Please be okay.
22
Carsyn
My cheek stings from someone hitting it repeatedly, but I’m groggy and can’t move much. My head feels heavy like I’ve been hit one too many times. The hits keep coming as I hear, “Wake your fuckin’ ass up. You think I won’t fuck you while you’re passed out?” Another hit, this one harder than the last. “Bitch, I like to see your fear. Just like with those fuckin’ butterflies. Woulda had you then, but Ranger shit came up and had to bounce.”
Fuck him. Big Jim has always been an ass, but what should I expect considering who he hangs out with. It’s just another day for him to take what he wants from a woman.
I pretend to be still out of it
, checking out my arms and legs to see if they can move. Fighting is my only way out of here, then I pause. Buck’s voice isn’t there. Maybe he’s not here. Is he? Surely, he’d be back here with me if he was.
It’s not like him to leave his revenge on me to someone else. He’s too angry with me for that to happen. He’ll want to see me hurt for himself.
“We got about fifteen until we get there,” Cary D’s voice rings out from the driver’s seat.
“Fuck,” Big Jim growls, punching me hard in the jaw with what feels like a hardened fist, and I scream out unable to hold it in as my jaw shifts painfully. “Knew you were fucking awake.” He starts unbuttoning my pants, and my stomach turns remembering all the times I have been in this position. All the times I’ve been in agony over the years, not just from Big Jim but from all of them.
The times when I’ve felt helpless and demeaned. The times when I couldn’t walk or even stand because my insides hurt so damn bad I bled for days unable to get it to stop. There were times it felt like every time I peed my insides would literally fall out into the toilet. The flesh worked so raw that even the softest of toilet paper felt like sandpaper against my girlie bits.
Hatred spreads through my heart, exploding throughout my body and making it tingle and come alive. A rush comes over me yelling for me to defend myself.
No. My fists clench. I’m not going to let him touch me. Never a-fucking-gain. My jaw throbs, and I move my head to the side trying to take in my surroundings, quickly looking for anything to help me and keeping my legs spread far apart to make it harder for Big Jim to work.
That’s when I see a gun, black and glinting next to the side door of the van. It’s further over than my reach and I’ll have to get Big Jim off of me, but there’s a chance I can do it as long as my body works. It’s my only shot.