by Ryan Michele
“Yeah.” For once in my life, I truly, honestly, feel like all the strings that attached me to Buck are broken.
Now it’s time to live.
* * *
**
“Do I look okay?” I ask Austyn nervously, who’s smile beams up at me like there shouldn’t be a care in the world. She’s wrong. So very, very wrong.
My emotions are all over the damn place. From butterflies in my stomach to feeling like I’m going to throw up; to excitement that I get to do something new and fear just the same. But it’s not the same kind of fear I had before.
This is the fear of the unknown or unexpected. Nox would never hurt me, that I have no doubt. It’s just the fear of something new taking root and not knowing how it will turn out.
Now that I think about it, I like this fear so much better than the other.
This is more than nerves, though. It’s the wonderment of what do I do, how do I act. What is expected of me. It’s all of these questions rolled into one, and I have no idea.
“You’re beautiful, but if you don’t calm your shit, you’re either going to throw up or pass out. Neither of which is going to help you.”
My mouth gets dry and hands start to get clammy. “That obvious, huh?”
She chuckles. “Babe, you can’t sit still while I curl your hair. One wrong bounce and you’ll be meeting the end of my iron at this rate.”
That’s when I notice that yes, my leg is bouncing like a damn plane gearing up to take off the runway. I stop the movements, but it’s hard.
“What do I do, Austyn? I have no idea.”
She sets the curling iron down and turns the chair so she’s looking directly at me. “You do nothing, Carsyn. Let all the shit that you think you need to be get tossed out the fucking window. My brother likes you for you. You don’t change that. You be you. He’ll be his annoying self, and you’ll have a great time.”
“I’ve never done this before.”
“A date?” I shake my head, and she bites her lip. “Here’s the run down. He’s a biker so you’ll be on the back of his bike, no skirts or shorts because you’ll be uncomfortable. He may take you for a ride around Sumner or somewhere he loves going. He’ll take you to eat and you’ve already done both of those together, correct?”
I nod, taking in every single word she tells me.
“Then you’ll get back on his bike, you’ll go back to his place—which good luck there—or go back to the clubhouse. And whatever you do from there is up to you. Me, I’m not thinking about that shit because he’s my brother.”
“That simple huh?”
Her warm smile lights up her face. “Yeah. Being with a man should be simple. You fit together like puzzle pieces creating a whole. There are always bumps in the road, but at the end of the day, you’re made of each other and it just works. If my brother is the one for you, your pieces will fit together perfectly and you do nothing but sit back, relax, and be you.”
A pounding comes to the door, and Austyn rolls her eyes. “He’ll just walk in. He only does that to make sure Ryker and I aren’t fucking. See, he’s an ass.” I giggle. “Okay, get dressed! And I’ll stall him.”
She exits the room, and I suck in deep breaths one after the other. Austyn put me in the spare bedroom of her kickass house that her man got for her. She was nice enough to invite me over when she saw the panicked look on my face about this date.
Austyn has helped down to the last detail of underwear, going shopping for me, but saying next time we’re making it a girls’ day. I’d never had a girls’ day. Even when my mother was alive, we’d do things together, but we never called them girls’ days, and that is exciting.
Shuffling on the jeans, socks, and boots, black with silver studs that look kickass, I stare down at the top. It’s a lavender color with a low cut down the front, but it has straps that go across it giving the illusion of cleavage, but really keeping everything covered.
The smile on my face is easy. Austyn did good with this one. Slipping on the shirt and pulling it down my body, it fits beautifully.
I flip over my head and run my fingers through it to make the curls loose and wavy, even though in a few moments I’ll be braiding it to ride on the bike. I just want to look nice when he sees me for the first time. It seems so childish, but I’m honored that Nox is giving me this even if I never asked for it.
Looking in the mirror, I grab the leather jacket and toss it on and maneuver my hair. The woman staring back at me isn’t the woman I’ve known for way too many years. She isn’t terrified of her own shadow. She’s sexy in an understated way, giving me the confidence I lost so many years ago.
This is Nox. I love him. He loves me. This was meant to be.
Stepping out of the room and into the living room, low whistles come immediately. Nox and Ryker.
Austyn smiles brightly as Nox comes up to me. “Fuck, baby.” He leans in taking my mouth, and I don’t even care that people are in the room with us. He pulls away, his lips moving to my ear. “You look beautiful, Carsyn.”
Those warm tingles flow through me.
“Thanks.”
“No, babe. Thank you.” He clasps my hand and pulls me out of the house. I try to wave to Austyn, but not sure if she saw it because of the lightning speed Nox is going.
Nox turns me in his arms while next to his bike and kisses me, melting my body at the same time. When he pulls away, I see it. Love. Caring. Understanding. Trust. Safety.
He’s the missing piece to my puzzle.
He makes me whole.
I can’t wait to ride off with him and never look back.
Epilogue
The Clubhouse
The brothers of the Ravage MC file in for church. Tug called in a meeting saying he had something for the guys to take a look at. Something from his boy Micah.
Micah escaped the wrath of the Ravage MC by going into the military, to make him learn how to be a man. One that the brothers would see as more than a scared little boy.
The problem is when Micah left, so did the secret he’d been carrying around for a few months and didn’t know how to tell the guys. Or even if he should.
He decided to send his father, Tug, the information because they had a right to know. They all had a right to know. Micah knew it would turn the Ravage MC inside out, but it still needed to be said.
Tug stands in front of the room holding up a large manila envelope. “Came in the mail today from Micah. Says to open it with all the brothers.”
“Maybe it’s his pussy and he’s tradin’ it in for a dick,” Ryker jokes, getting a round of laughs from some of the guys, but not Tug.
Tug has been dealing with his boy’s choices for a long time, each one killing him more than the last. He wouldn’t find anything funny that went against his boy, but he also wouldn’t protect Micah from his actions against the club.
Tug shuffles the envelope and it slides across the table into Cruz’s waiting hands. “According to my daughter, Micah was snooping around Ravage information, but she couldn’t figure out why.” He holds up the envelope. “I’m guessin’ this is whatever he found.”
The room is quiet, waiting in anticipation. The anxiety can be felt throughout the space as the wonderment of what’s about to come slams us around.
Cruz tears the top, disregarding it to the table and pulling out the contents. His eyes scan the papers, then they widen and his face turns white as a ghost only to turn to fire-breathing rage in a flash.
“What is it?” GT, the VP, asks and probably the only one besides his two boys that would at this juncture.
“Crow from the Rebellion chapter. Is my son.”
* * *
Extras
Carsyn
Pulling out the letters from my mother from the new metal, fireproof storage box Nox got me, I rifle through them. My mother’s words on paper have given me a lifeline to her that has been missing since her death. She’s wise and while I’m deeply saddened she’s gone, these letters allow m
e to keep her alive in my heart.
She would’ve loved Nox. I know it just because of the fact he makes me happy, and that’s her way. I wish she could’ve met him, see where I am today—in a home, with a good man and even thinking about going back to school.
This is the me she’d be proud of, and I’d give anything for just five more minutes with her. Since that isn’t an option, the letters are my only option.
Two stacks of letters in my hand, ones with my name, which are a lot, and a few with Buck’s name. I hadn’t read any of his yet. What I was waiting for, I’m not sure. Maybe I didn’t want to hear how wonderful Buck is through my mother’s eyes. Maybe I was scared that I’d think different of my mother, and that isn’t an option. She’s gone, and tarnishing any of that isn’t going to happen.
Undoing the rubber band on Buck’s stack, I thumb through them seeing my mother’s elegant script. The way she writes the ‘B’s are beautiful.
My fingers stop when Buck’s name appears the same as the others, but not in the same handwriting. I’m not sure how I missed this because it’s plain as day that my mother didn’t write his name on this.
Setting the other’s down, I pull out the piece of paper through the already opened slat at the top. Each one of the envelopes is the same—pristinely open with something sharp as not to tear anything.
The paper is folded in thirds and as I open it my heart thunders in my chest because it isn’t my mother’s handwriting that stares back at me—no, it’s Buck’s.
I sit in the middle of the bed I share with Nox, legs crisscrossed and the air becoming tight. The letter is addressed to me.
Me.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
My hands tremble, shaking the paper and making it rustle.
Do I want to read this?
Should I read this?
He’s gone so it’s not like he can come back and hurt me. Right? No, not right. He’s always had a way about him, and I have no doubt this will be no different.
The door to the bedroom opens, my head shooting up to see Nox striding in. His smile dies when he takes me in.
“What’s wrong?” he asks, coming directly to me and on the bed.
I hold up the piece of paper. “In the letters from my mom, Buck wrote one to me.”
“Have you read it?” he asks, his jaw tightening.
My head shakes as Nox grabs the paper. “Let me read it to you.”
Sucking in a deep breath, he kicks off his boots, opens his legs wide around me, one arm going around my waist, while the other holds the letter. In his arms, I feel safe. Loved. Cherished. Buck can’t touch that. No matter what’s in that letter, it might hurt for a while, but it will never have anything to do with the man holding me tightly.
Then it hits me. No, I need to read it. It’s one thing for Nox to have my back; it’s another for him to hold me up all by himself. If I’ve learned anything over the last few months, it’s that I have more strength inside of me that I’ve ever given myself credit for. It’s time to reign that in.
“Let me.” I reach for the paper as Nox pulls it out of my grasp.
“Let me do it, gorgeous.”
Turning, I look up into his concerned eyes, ones I fell in love with when I was a kid. “It’s okay. I want to do this. I have to do this.”
“Okay.” He leans down, kissing me briefly, then hands me the paper. My hand once again trembles, but somehow, I will it to stop.
“Carsyn,” I begin as Nox holds me close.
“You either stole these letters from me or I’m dead. I’d better fucking be dead or else I’m coming for you, bitch.” I shiver.
“You’re the reason my father’s dead. You fucking killed him. Why the fuck do you think I took your ass in—payment. All you are is payment, and you still haven’t paid enough for killing my only family.”
My heart picks up.
“You’re probably wondering why I never showed you these. Because I fucking hate you and no way would I let your mother’s words fill your fucking head. I should’ve burned them, but couldn’t. Don’ know why, but didn’t. So now you know what your mom thought of you. But, bitch, I made sure you never turned out like she wanted. Fuck her and fuck you. Buck.”
My breaths come in gasps as my heart clenches. What happened with our parents was an accident. I never meant to hurt them at all and Buck never let me forget what had happened. But to know he’s speaking to me from beyond the grave, knowing that he did all of this shit to me over the years as his vengeance, only makes me hate him more.
This letter did nothing for me, and I shouldn’t have read it. And I’ll never read the ones with Buck’s name on them. Ever.
“Carsyn?” Nox says as I crumble the paper up and toss it across the room. Buck has no control over me any more. I’d always thought that what Buck did to me was my penance for my mother and stepfather, and how true I was.
“I’ve done my time. Now it’s time to be happy,” I whisper into the room, and Nox’s arms get tighter.
“Yeah, gorgeous. Time to wipe all that shit and be happy.” He kisses the top of my head. “We’ll be happy. Nothin’ holdin’ us back. Road’s open ahead, and not one person will dare get in our way.”
“Yeah.” He’s right. I’ve carried it for long enough, and it’s time to let it go. Decision made, inside the weight that’s bogged me down for so long loosens its grasp.
It’s time to ride free with my man. Forever free.
* * *
EXTRAS
Rhys
He’s fucking gone. His laugh, his shit talking—all of it wiped away from this earth never to be heard again. His grandbabies, daughter, and wife will never be whole again.
Fuck, I’ll never be whole either.
It guts me every second of the day I see my wife cry or my mother-in-law do the same. When my youngest asks why Grandpa had to go. I have no answers for that question and never will.
There is no fix for this. No Band-Aid I can conjure up to make it all better for my family. All their grief is on my shoulders, and in these few moments when I sit outside on my porch alone, I allow my grief to come to the surface.
It’s damn hard being the strong one in a situation like this. One that is ripping your wife in two and making your babies cry. It’s my job to keep them together and whole.
But there are times like this when my chest constricts and heart pounds that I feel.
Everything.
The hurt, pain, loss, devastation, anger…. All of the emotions that I try to keep bottled up around my wife and kids to make things easier on them.
I let out my anger on Torrance, but it still didn’t bring Dagger back.
Now, all I feel is loss and sorrow.
My best friend is gone. My father-in-law. The best fucking man I ever knew, ever had the pleasure of knowing.
Wetness falls from my eyes and I bat it away quickly, pulling my shit together.
“Dammit, Dagger. All this estrogen is gonna kill me ‘round here. At least with the two of us we balanced it out a bit. Fuckin’ miss you, buddy. No day will ever be the same.”
The sliding glass door opens, and I swipe my face clean as my wife, Tanner, steps outside. “You okay, baby?” she asks.
“Yeah.”
She comes to sit on my lap, and I hold her tight to me.
I’ll protect all of them until my dying breath, Dagger. This, I swear to you.
* * *
Extras
Tanner
Everywhere hurts like I’ve been in a fight with a heavyweight champion, and I can’t get up off the mat. Laying there bleeding, just waiting for all the pain to go away. Except that can’t happen because this is my reality.
My dad’s time was cut too short. I’d only had twenty-five years with him, and it wasn't long enough. A hundred years wouldn’t be long enough.
As I lay curled in my husband’s strong arms, his pain rolls off of him in thunderous waves, each one a little rougher than the next. There’s nothing I can do fo
r him. Rhys is a proud man, and I’ve learned over the years not to pry with the heavy stuff.
Because he shuts down.
I want to help him get through this, but truth is—I don’t know how because I can’t.
I want one more hug. One more scratch of his beard against my face. One more joke about how much older Rhys is from me. One more hug for him to give my girls. One more kiss to give my mother. One more everything.
Loss is a terrible thing. It eats you up and spits you out. It tears at the fiber of who you are as an individual on this planet, and makes you realize how small you are in it.
It’s an endless wave of the unknown.
It just makes me love my family more. Tell them and cherish every memory I have with them. Because in the end—all you have are memories.
* * *
Extras
Rylynn
My mouth tastes of cotton and head throbs. Too much booze will do that to a woman, especially when she loses someone she loves. My head is normally screwed on pretty tight, but tonight, I had to let loose. I had to get it out because it’d been bottled up and waiting to explode, tearing me apart.
Nothing tears me apart. Nothing.
At least, that’s what I thought.
The cool air hits my skin, and I look down noting my naked body. Then last night hits me, and I check out the bed.
Crow lays next to me, sheet at his waist and face turned the other way. Fuck me.
Guess if you’re gonna fuck up, may as well go big or go home.
I did.
Fucking the president of a chapter of the Ravage MC is a huge mistake, and the first time I slept with a brother. And it had to be him.
Fuck me.
* * *
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Crow’s story.