Conflicted (Secrets and Lies)

  I stared at the island. Bri was watching me with her expression thoughtful yet curious. I cracked my knuckles and focused on her.

  "I didn't want him to touch me because his touch has always set my body off in one direction or another. I was rarely loved as a child so when I started feeling something with him it was more intense than what most people probably experience. You have to understand that Chase never hugged me. I got hugs from Micah's mom and Trey's mom but it was different."

  Her eyes saddened. Bri knew that our lives were diverse but I had never shared this part of that difference. I took a deep breath to continue with this unpleasant admission.

  "As we got older, Micah would brush against me and an instant calm rushed over my body. As time went on, the calming effect made me feel safe and I'd never really had that until him."

  Her expression fell even further. I looked away for a moment before continuing.

  "When Micah and I started dating, I experienced what it was like to be loved. As that all happened, the effect that his touch had on me changed. When I fell in love with him, his touch ignited my body," I confessed.

  Bri had foregone eating. She was holding her head as she listened intently like I was telling her a bedtime story. I smiled wrapping it up.

  "I didn't want to him to touch me because I don't want to know if that feeling is still there. He hurt me so badly that I can't chance feeling anything safe or burning inside me from him. I need that tie to be severed. Does that make sense?" I asked.

  "It does. I knew how in love you were with him but I didn't know his touch affected you that much," Bri admitted.

  In the back of my mind, I wondered what giving into Ethan would do to me. It would probably wipe away any affect Micah had over me.

  I curse the stupid universe for taunting me with that man.

  She picked up her fork to take a bite then stopped to turn towards me with another question lingering in her eyes. I rolled mine but decided to let her get out whatever she was mulling over.

  "Bri, I'm going to be late. What now?" I whined.

  She placed her fork back on her plate and tapped her fingers along the island. "I'm sorry Mia but I have to ask because I've been around you and Ethan firsthand. I can see what his presence does to you. You're very dismissive about it but I can tell that there's something very intense between the two of you. I can't tell if it's lust or if you really are that connected to one another. If Micah's touch did that to you, what's going to happen when Ethan crosses that threshold with you?"

  I blushed fiercely. Our mind meld moments were nice but at the moment it was a nuisance.

  "What Ethan does to me without touching me, I still haven't figured out. It's much stronger than anything I had with Micah. I try my best to avoid any physical contact with him. I won't quit but I'll admit that it's become difficult to resist. My plan is to keep my distance from him."

  Bri arched an eyebrow and let out a heavy sigh. "You were right that first day Mia. The universe has a fucked up sense of humor to bring someone like Ethan into your life. Please try not to do anything stupid with him. Something tells me that only more heartbreak will lie ahead if anything happens there."

  I can't argue with her there. Giving into Ethan might as well be my own self-destruct button. The problem is that my will to prevent myself from hitting it is growing weaker as each day passes and that scares the shit out of me.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  I broke every speed limit posted just to get to work on time. It embarrassed me when my wheels squealed to a halt in the parking lot causing several people to stop and stare. Grabbing my stuff, I ran in and out of people taking their sweet ass time. I slid into my desk with a minute to spare. I did my best to remain focused on the tasks assigned to me. As hard as I tried, my disastrous start to the day affected my mood anyway. I was short tempered and flighty most of the morning. On more than one occasion, Connor snapped his fingers at me to get me to pay attention. After a few mortifying rounds of that happening, I was able to focus on the campaign that we would be proposing soon.

  My thoughts ran all over the place when Connor dismissed everyone for a lunch break. I went to the cafeteria to buy something to eat at my desk. I kept my ears open for anything that might help Harrison so this charade could end but it was a half-hearted attempt.

  On my way out of the cafeteria, a flash of fire spread throughout me. Ethan was staring at me as he leaned against the wall in the hallway. As I got closer, the draw to him grew stronger. This unexplainable vibe between us was the last thing that I needed to deal with today. I was already hanging on by a thread. I gave him a thin smile and continued towards the elevators to get upstairs. Ethan fell in stride with me. I sighed knowing that he was eager to question me. It was all over his face.

  "Mia, a minute," he commanded, stopping short of the elevators.

  "Yes, Ethan," I answered with my temper slipping into my tone.

  He bristled. "I ran into Connor in the elevator. He mentioned it had been a long morning and that there might be something bothering you."

  "I'm fine."

  Ethan crossed his arms not buying my dismissal. I wanted to roll my eyes but refrained.

  "Why is your manager worried that you might become a liability?"

  "I had a bad morning. I can assure you that it won't happen again," I snapped.

  Sheesh. I need to lock it up.

  Ethan narrowed his eyes not caring for that tone either. We stood staring at each other for several minutes. My chest compressed but I wasn't sure if it was the weight of the morning or the mystery in his eyes that pulled at every part of me to lean into him.

  "I was just asking," he pointed out.

  "I'm sorry. I have no intentions of being a liability," I replied, feeling defeated.

  "So you're not going to share what is bothering you," Ethan pressed.

  "Do I have to?" I asked with a heavy sigh.

  "No, you don't have to. I was hoping that you would but your personal life is your business. It only becomes my business when you fall short around here. You've assured me that it won't happen again so I'll let it go...for now."

  "I'm going to head back upstairs then to get some work done."

  "By all means, don't let me stop you."

  Ethan was beyond angry with me. It stretched across every part of his face. My stomach became unsettled and I shook my arms to rid the tingling that increased every minute of that brief interaction. I hit the stairwell begging my mind to purge him out of system with every step. It wasn't doing a very good job because my heart sunk with the knowledge that I pissed off Ethan. I shoved that all to the wayside and opened the door to the third floor to get back to work.

  The second half of day I did my best to wipe away my behavior from the morning. Connor and the team sensed the shift and we made significant advancements on our upcoming proposal. As we wrapped for the day, I gathered my things to head from our meeting back to my desk. I groaned coming around the corner to see Ethan in my chair with his legs on my desk as he took in the floor.

  Fuck. What now?

  I strode to my desk to deposit the binders in my hands. He was more than cocky in his demeanor as I neared the desk. For once, my body steadied itself with the rage that had been lingering in my system since this morning.

  "Ethan," I said, faking a smile.

  "Mia," he replied, swinging his legs down.

  "Did you need something before I head out for the day?"

  "Nope, I happened to be on this floor hearing a proposal from another team. Your desk allows me to have a good peripheral of the entire floor. I like to make sure that my employees are doing what they are being paid to do here," Ethan emphasized.

  The acidic tone he used sent shivers up my spine. He was here to remind me that my outburst with him earlier was far from acceptable. This was his way of warning me not to let it happen again. I had no words in response so we sat in awkward silence. Ethan cleared his throat to get me to look at him. His eyes had an edge to
them. The pit in my stomach surfaced while the rest of my body chilled the ire travelling throughout it.

  "I can assume that you had a better afternoon."

  His condescending expression was enough to re-fire my anger. This was a bad day for the record books. My body refused to stick with one emotion. Half of me wanted to lash out in anger at him and the other half was ready to give in to my heady yearning for him.

  "Yes, it was much better."

  "Good. I think I've seen enough of this floor. I'll let you finish up your day."

  Before leaving, Ethan gazed at me with a smug grin. I looked away not needing anything else to fuck with my head.

  ~

  When I got home, I avoided everyone by heading straight for my room. Not one of them tried to stop me either. I laid down with no intentions of sleeping but it happened anyway. I woke up during the middle of the night and shimmied out of bed to turn on the lamp. Light flooded the room and I rummaged around in my laundry basket for a pair of clean pajamas.

  After changing clothes, I grabbed my purse to find my phone to set an alarm. After my attitude with Ethan, he'd be paying extra attention to me. Cutting it close for a second day in a row wasn't an option. While setting my alarm, I noticed some new text messages. I gasped because there were ten new messages from an unknown number. Curious, I opened the first one.

  Mia you can push me away all you like but you know we need to talk!

  I groaned. If my brain wasn't still waking up, I would've been able to put together that new messages from an unrecognizable number would be Micah.

  I can't believe you wouldn't even give me a chance to explain. You say you don't owe me that but you do. I'll always be a part of your life.

  I shoved the crap on my desk to the side and situated myself on it. I rested my head against the wall to finish reading the rest of his messages.

  You have no idea what this has done to me Mia. It's killed me to be away from you, my friends, and my family but I left for you.

  I squeezed my knees as the anger flowed through me but carried on to the next one.

  I had no choice but to leave to find out more. Do you really believe I wanted to destroy you? I think you know me better than that. Please let me explain!

  It blew my mind that he continued begging to explain things to me.

  Fuck! Just answer one of these texts. I refuse to walk away from you. There are things that you need to know for your own good. Stop being so damn stubborn and talk to me. You're hatred is blinding you. You'll regret not hearing me out. Mark my words Mia.

  I took a deep breath. I'd have to deal with him eventually but it had to be on my terms not his. This morning sucked with him showing up out of nowhere.

  You think this has been easy for me. You think I wanted to leave. I can't believe that you're so quick to believe that I'd destroy you with no reason. If you had any idea - Fuck I won't do this by text. You have to let me talk to you!

  He sure had a pair of brass balls to act like I was out of line for shutting him down. The anger he pointed out kicked up another notch. It grew with each message but it was refreshing after keeping it at bay for most of the day.

  I can't believe you acted like I never loved you. I've loved you since I was a little boy and I'll never stop loving you. You're the love of my life. I didn't expect you to be okay with what happened but fuck you hurt me too by doing what you did this morning and it keeps getting worse. I can't go anywhere without someone telling me about all the guys you slept with since I left. I didn't expect you to wait for me but shit you could at least talk to me.

  He sure was verbose as these went along. I shook my head at the nerve he had with each message. Maybe he was the insane one because if he thought I'd sit around and wait for him to show up with an explanation then he was off his rocker. It took months for me to function somewhat normally. Once there, I never planned to be celibate.

  Are you doing this to get even? I can't figure it out. I've always protected you. I relied on you remembering that when I made the most difficult choice of my life but fuck both choices were shitty. Even with the choice I went with, I lost you. You don't think that broke my heart. You're acting like your heart was the only one that shattered but mine did too. You got our friends to get through that. I fucking had no one and I came back to no one. I lost my life because I chose you and you won't even hear me out.

  He elected to leave so it flabbergasted me that he tossed that in my face. If he would've stuck around to explain himself, there was a possibility that neither one of our hearts would've broken but he chose to leave me. How he ever thought he could return without matters being different was beyond me.

  You didn't even give me the chance to tell you that I'm sorry. I know I fucked up your life. I'll never forgive myself for it either. I need to talk to you. My mom refused to give me your new number so that's why I showed up. After our blowout, I had to beg her to give it to me. My family never stopped caring for you and you pushed them away. My mom has always treated you like her own and she's still looking out for you. She begged me to come home and explain myself right away but I had to go and you need to know why. I need to explain. I'm begging Mia. Please!

  My chest started to spasm with the mention of his mom. I refused to answer a single phone call from her. The anger receded some as a painful ache spread everywhere. He not only messed up my life - he left me fucked up. I barely recognized myself and he did a fine job at pointing out one of the many reasons why. His mom cared for me just as much as Trey's mom and I shut her out. I treated people horribly with the worst part being that I stopped caring when I did it. A tear started to form at the corner of my eye. This was precisely why I wanted Micah to leave me the hell alone. He created the person that I had become and I had no clue how to fix me. I swiped away the tear and opened the final text.

  I know you still love me. You don't just stop loving someone. I'm still in your heart. I know it. You can tell me that what we had was never love but you're lying to yourself. You've loved me since we were kids. I'm a part of you. I know I'm still in your head. You proved that this morning. Please let me talk to you!

  He was in my head but not in a good way. I blocked his number and set my phone on my desk. The anger and the ache fought with each other as I crawled into bed. I wouldn't let him destroy me any further. I had to get my shit together. I dug for the indifference and pushed it to the surface.

  ~

  The rest of the week at work went much better. Connor and Ethan paid extra close attention to me but I had been nothing less than perfect since Monday morning. I focused more on getting information for Harrison. I tried sitting with a new group of people over lunches to get any further insight to the people around here. Most of the chatter at lunch or around the water cooler was the typical office gossip. I continued to wait for the day to come that something deeper than who slept with who was the topic of discussion. There had to be a day that would have everyone in a tizzy over something work related. It had to happen occasionally. People couldn't be that shallow all the time. I spoke with Harrison on my ride home but there wasn't much to report. He reassured me to keep being patient with matters. He never seemed upset when I didn't have anything to report and that was unsettling.

  The rest of the week at home sucked all around. There was tension in the house due to Micah. Everyone had an opinion on what I should do about his return. By the end of the week, I avoided them all together. I missed my friends but being the catalyst for an argument every time I walked into a room had worn me down. When I got home Friday night, the driveway was empty and they were more than likely bar hopping. On my way into the house, I kicked off my heels before going into the living room. I tossed my phone on the coffee table and headed for my room to change into comfy clothes.

  In a pair of jogging pants and hoodie, I went down to grab some popcorn for a quiet movie night. While it popped, I surveyed the kitchen noting it was surprisingly clean. A benefit of not having a party this week was a semi clean hous
e. I reached above the stove to find a large bowl. Before leaving the kitchen, I checked the kitchen door that leads outside. The lock was in place so I grabbed my bowl full of popcorn and shut the lights off. I frowned on my way into the cave. It was odd being in here without the boys. They were practically part of the décor.

  I set the popcorn on the end table next to the recliner. I intended on making that spot my home for the evening. I walked over to the shelves that contained our massive DVD collection to locate Magic Mike. I needed some hot bodies after this week. I turned on the flat screen and put the movie into the DVD player. I got cozy in the chair as the beginning credits began to roll.

  I was close to half way into the movie when it sounded like pounding coming from the front of the house. I shook my head dismissing it as the wind outside. It was windy with a significant thunderstorm forecasted for later this evening. On command, the wind howled loudly making the pit in my stomach subside. I figured it was the branches hitting the side of the house and redirected my attention back to the hot men on screen.

  After about five minutes, I heard the pounding again. My heart started to race as I listened. Instead of pounding, I heard nothing but the branches of the trees scratching the house. To help ease my nerves, I went to grab my phone from the living room. I glanced out the windows but didn't see much since it was so dark. As I turned to head back to the cave, I heard a floorboard creak. I shrugged it off since my senses were on overdrive along with my imagination.

  I was almost back to the cave when the pounding picked up again. It was coming from the front door. I sauntered to the front of the house to investigate. As I hit the living room, the front door swung open displaying Micah and he was beyond angry. Before I could get out of his eyesight, he saw me. I wheeled around running as fast as I could for the stairs. Every room up there had a lock and it would buy me time to reach someone. My heart and nerves were in competition with each other as to which could rise faster. The panic increased with each step. I took the stairs two at a time making it to the landing of the upstairs hallway. Micah was half a second behind me and terror filled me as I struggled with Trey's door handle.