Conflicted (Secrets and Lies)

by Koenig, M. M.

  "What happened that you needed a permanent reminder?"

  My eyes started to water and I started to shake as the memories of that night flooded through me. Even swaddled in the comfort of his arms, the pain spread to the surface in surges. Ethan rolled me over so that I was facing him. He brought his thumb up to wipe away a tear that was starting to fall. I buried myself into his chest as he closed his arms around me.

  "Talk to me," he whispered.

  "It has to do with my expulsion from school. The reason I got kicked out was because my ex-boyfriend framed me. He set it up to make it seem like I wrote an article that would damage the reputation of the school as well as the board members. He said had no choice and that it had something to do with me all along but who knows what is true. I have a hard time believing anything from him anymore."

  I paused to bring my head away from his chest. My eyes were moist as tears continued to form. I wiped a few of them away in haste. I'd never told anyone what I was about to tell Ethan. His eyes carried so much concern that it made telling him the rest of the story that much easier.

  "We were living together at the time. After being expelled, I came home to find my apartment in disarray and him gone. He was the only person that I'd allowed inside my heart. He not only shattered it but he minced it up in to finely diced pieces. His actions made it difficult for me to find reason in anyone or anything."

  I stopped to drink in his deep brown eyes. They gave me courage as I bared a side of me that had not scratched to the surface in a very long time. His eyes were windows to his soul. I stared into them pouring a part of my soul into his. Ethan rested his hands along my face with compassion upon his face. I prayed that he'd understand how deep the damage within me ran.

  "After I figured everything out, I started drinking. Between the large amount of alcohol and my lack of will to survive, I crashed to the floor. I hit my head hard enough on the way down for it to crack open. If Bri hadn't found me, I would've died from the blood loss. I wasn't trying to kill myself. My mind and body broke in every way," I whispered.

  Ethan hugged me so tightly that I had trouble breathing. He lessened his grip to bring his lips to my cheek where he kissed away the tears that were streaming down. My heart melted at his repeated attempts to ease my pain. The walls around my heart rattled even more.

  "That's a lot for one person to handle without questioning humanity," he murmured.

  I nodded. "It was a really low point in my life. It took me a long time to crawl out of that hole and I'm still not sure that I'm quite there yet."

  He arched an eyebrow. "Where is there?"

  My eyes darted across the room. "I want to get back to a point that allows me to believe in people again. It wouldn't be horrible if I found a way to have faith in myself either."

  "You carry yourself with such confidence that it's difficult to see that you carry that type of darkness inside of you," Ethan remarked.

  "I don't think I'm that confident. I recall having a go around with you about my attitude on more than one occasion," I joked.

  "Will you tell me what got you into such a funk that I had to give you the day off just to get you to lighten up a little?"

  I ran my fingers along his jaw while soaking in his wistful eyes. My hands went down his body until I hit his chest where they outlined one of his tattoos. I gave Ethan a playful grin before replacing my fingers with my lips. My tongue licked its way around one of his bigger tattoos. He moaned and pushed me onto my back. Ethan pinned my hands to the side as his lips touched mine. I went wet with the hungriness of his kiss and roughness of his approach.

  "You're really not going to tell me," Ethan growled.

  I beamed. "Nope, I think one story is enough this morning or afternoon. I have no idea what time of day it is because of you."

  "Because of me?"

  "Yes, because of you. I lose track of everything when I'm around you."

  His fingers reached my hot spot wasting no time to turn me on. My body bucked to his command. I arched my back and met each stroke of his fingers. I moaned as he switched to an unyielding pace. His lips curled into a sexy grin as he relished his control over me. Our talking had reached its end and every part of me was more than happy to connect without words.

  ~

  The sun was starting to set when my brain screamed at me to snap out of it. I needed to get back to reality or at least check in with it. Bri was probably well past enraged with me. I looked around his bedroom. Other than the king size bed and Ethan, I hadn't taken the time to observe the rest of the room. The bed took up most of the room. The door was in the middle of the room. From the right side of the door, there was a large walk in closet off at edge of the room. Along that wall, there were various pieces of art. Several Celtic pieces caught my eye as they matched some of the tattoos that covered his body. The side of the room adjacent to his closet had a huge window. Black drapes concealed some of the sunlight. Ethan had to have shut them between last night and this afternoon. Behind his bed, colorful artistic pieces adorned the wall. They were more vibrant than the Celtic ones that lined the opposite wall. The wall across from the window had more Celtic pieces or art with a huge flat screen TV. I looked over at Ethan who was flat on his stomach. It appeared that our vigorous afternoon sated him. I lost track on how many times it had been since we started last night. It must have been enough because he was snoring. I secured the bed sheet around me and tiptoed out of his bedroom.

  His place was humungous. My stride slowed as I hit the open space that seemed to be his living room. It had a wide entrance as it sectioned off from the hallway. The room had tasteful decorations but there was a distance to it. The walls were white with most of his furniture black. It projected a very sequestered impression to anyone that walked into the room. There was no sign of his family or friends. His taste in art matched the mystery behind the man.

  My eyes drifted to the wall on the right. It contained plenty of abstract pieces that sucked you in with their complex strokes. The wall on the left was without art and had large flat screen TV with a sound system below it. A huge sectional couch cornered of that area with a large glass coffee table in front of it. By the looks of the built-in shelving underneath the TV, he had plenty of DVDs to entertain him. I almost walked over to get a better idea at his taste. The wall opposite of where I stood in the entryway distracted me. It was a giant window that overlooked the city as well as the water that surrounded it. I sauntered over to take in the view. The sun was descending and the hues of purple splashed against the caps of the waves. I wasn't surprised that Ethan selected a place that had such a magnificent view of the lake. It connected with a deep part of him. I wondered if I was the only one that saw that side of him.

  "You are," he confirmed.

  "Huh?"

  "You're the only that understands how much the water means to me."

  Ethan brushed my hair to the side and placed a loving kiss on my shoulder. My body fired with an electric current his lips generated as they trailed along my throat until he reached my lips. His mouth urged for me to grant him better access. He was unraveling me again with his torturous lips. I almost gave in but remembered why I got up.

  "Ethan, I need a moment today that doesn't end in us having sex," I stammered.

  "Why? Are you telling me that all I get is twenty-four hours? I haven't even begun to appreciate you or your body," he growled.

  I tilted my head away from him. "I need to check in with Bri. I can't find my purse."

  Ethan smirked. "It's not up here. It's in my car along with something else of yours."

  "I'm not going down there like this so do you mind if I borrow your phone. I need to get my car at some point too. A shower might not be a bad idea either," I said, sniffing myself.

  "You smell amazing. You can call her from my phone but that's it. I might be willing to negotiate the shower request as long as it is with me," Ethan replied, nipping at my ear.

  I playfully pushed him away and pointed t
o his bedroom. He strutted down the hallway. I took a deep breath praying it would help me remain focused long enough to call Bri. Ethan returned with his phone and I excused myself for a little privacy to talk to her. I had shuffled past a bathroom on my way to his living room. I opened the door and sat down on the ledge of the massive vanity. It had two sinks so I shifted into a spot in between them. I noticed a glass shower that had multiple showerheads on one side of the room and a large tub that looked more like a Jacuzzi on the other side.

  Hmm...Maybe something to consider later with Ethan.

  I broke my attention from the direction of that dirty thought and dialed Bri's number.

  "Hello," she answered warily.

  "Hey, it's me."

  "Mia, where are you?" she asked downright exasperated.

  "I'm sorry Bri. I didn't mean to worry you. It's why I'm calling," I said patiently.

  "You're still with Ethan," she said in disbelief.

  "Yes, I'm still with him. Who did you think I'd be with?"

  She huffed. "Lately, it hasn't been in your nature to linger in bed with a guy."

  "I deserve that comment so I'm going to let it go. I called to tell you that I'm not coming home until tomorrow."

  "You're spending another night with him. Do you know what you're doing?" Bri yelled so loud that I pulled the phone away to avoid hearing loss.

  "Yes, I know what I'm doing. I think," I said with reservations.

  "You think. God, I thought it was the alcohol and horniness that did the talking for you last night but it's not. You wouldn't be willing to stay another day with him if it wasn't something more. Please tell me that you at least remember what you promised last night."

  I sighed. "Yes, I remember."

  "Are you sure about that? I've never seen you be so careless," she snapped.

  "I'll have a pow wow with you about all of this when I get home."

  "Fine, but tomorrow I want to hash this out with you."

  "You have my word. I need to go."

  "Oh and Mia, I want all the hot details too," she said in somewhat teasing tone.

  I rolled my eyes. "Every naughty detail. I promise. I have to go Bri."

  I hung up and placed his phone down on the counter. I rested my head on the mirror behind me. This trip back to reality left me mentally exhausted at the upcoming days. My thoughts drifted to all the amazing feelings I experienced within the last twenty-four hours. A soft tap brought me out of my daydreaming.

  "It's your home Ethan. You don't need to knock," I answered dryly.

  He opened the door and poked his head around it. He had changed into a pair of black boxers that brought out all the tribal tattoos that graced portions of his sculptured chest. My body dampened at the sight of him in his boxers. I sucked in a sharp breath as Ethan sauntered towards me on the vanity. When he reached me, he placed his hands on the sides of my legs.

  He leaned forward until his forehead pressed upon mine. "You asked for privacy so I was respecting it. You asked me in the club if I respected you and I do. I didn't do a very good job of showing it in the parking lot."

  My pulse skyrocketed at his heartfelt words. His hands slid down my thighs until he reached my knees and slid me to the edge of the vanity. Ethan swept his lips across mine with a hunger. I gave way to the moment before ending it with a delicate kiss upon his nose.

  "I'm the one that begged you," I pointed out.

  Ethan sighed. "I've never met a woman that confounds me as much as you do but I've found that I like it. Sometimes I can tell what you're thinking by the look in your eyes. Most of the time, I'm sitting on edge with what you'll do next."

  "You do the same thing to me and it terrifies me. I'm never sure what to expect when I'm with you. I have zero control over my body when I'm around you making it difficult to learn more about you."

  He draped his arms along my backside before tightening his grip. His lips ventured across my jaw before capturing my mouth for a sultry kiss. The hot sparks that always seemed to be in my body around him flickered to life. I fastened my legs around him as my lips fell prisoner to his. My teeth grazed along his bottom lip before giving him a gentle bite. Ethan flashed his dimples as I swayed away from his mouth.

  "See, there you go again."

  "What?"

  "You know exactly what you do to me when you do it. You seem to understand my body better than I do and it drives me crazy."

  His hands glided to my chest where he pulled down the sheet. Ethan came closer as his lips ventured across my breasts before licking their way back to my mouth. He forced open my mouth with eagerness and his tongue commanded mine. A heady burn flared throughout my body. My fingers flitted underneath his boxers before I clasped my hands around his lower back and rocked into him. Ethan groaned as his lips brushed along mine with more zest. Our hands moved all over as our mouths devoured one another. We remained that way until breathing became problematic. I pulled away from him and sucked in a quick breath.

  "Before this goes any further, I want to discuss something with you," I panted.

  "Make it quick," Ethan demanded.

  I pointed to my hickeys with sharpness in my eyes. "Don't do it again."

  He shrugged. "I'm sorry. I didn't intend to mark you."

  "As long as we have an understanding that it isn't to happen again, I'll let it go."

  Ethan nodded and I rocked into him with force. He moaned and tore away the sheet around me. My hands shoved down his boxers and he kicked them aside. Ethan picked me and sauntered towards the other side of the bathroom where he pressed me up against a set of glass doors as his lips dove into my neck. He lips licked until he hit the groove of my shoulder where he grazed his teeth. My head tilted to the side welcoming his tongue is it journeyed upward.

  "It's time to take care of that shower request of yours," he growled into my ear.

  I gasped. "Yes, I do believe that was on the list."

  ~

  Dressed in a pair of his boxers and T-shirt, I sat at the end of his bed drying my hair. Ethan was off ordering us food from a Chinese place down the road. I tossed the towel to the side and hopped up from the bed to join him in the living room. He was on the couch with his back on glorious display. The tattoos that ran down his back were as stunning as the ones on his chest. He had a balance of patterns and symbols with various scripts weaved amongst them. I sat at the edge of the couch not wanting to bother him as he scrolled through his phone answering emails.

  "Hey babe, the food will be here in about twenty minutes."

  Ethan spoke with such ease that it made my heart fly out of my body. He sounded like we had been together for ages and tonight was just another Saturday night to lounge around the house with each other.

  "Sounds good."

  "Is there something on your mind?"

  "No," I lied.

  Ethan set his phone down and hauled me into his lap. He rested his forehead against mine. I wrapped my legs around him and clasped my hands around his neck. His hands caressed the small of my back. He stared at me with patience in his eyes before he took a deep breath.

  "Please don't lie to me. Let's try this again. What's on your mind?"

  "I'm worried about what's going to happen when we step back into the real world. My mind keeps telling me that I hardly even know you but my heart feels like it has known you my entire life. It's a very profound feeling that I don't know how to handle," I confessed.

  My stomach fluttered with anxiety. His eyes flickered around the room as he exhaled.

  "I don't know what it is about you Mia. I remember having a bad morning. The softness in your voice made my insides twitch. To be honest, it was unsettling for me. When I looked up to acknowledge you, everything within me shifted." Ethan paused and brushed his lips against mine. My eyes remained wide in astonishment. "I couldn't stop staring at you. I didn't understand how you could make me feel so vulnerable. I had to know what it would feel like to touch you. When our hands touched, it gave me a new sense of bei
ng alive. You awakened a part of me that I never knew was dormant."

  I placed a soft kiss upon his lips. Ethan gave me a shy smile.

  "You didn't hire me because of that reason did you," I whispered with wide eyes.

  "You were by far the best candidate that I interviewed. I tend to leave my feelings out of business matters. It was a first to have them crash into each other the way they did in that interview but I remained professional nevertheless."

  I scoffed. "Your behavior with me this last week wasn't very professional."

  No wonder we can't seem to stop having sex.

  "You set yourself up for that scenario the second you acted like the kiss we shared meant nothing to you," Ethan retorted, his tone lined with resentment.

  I softened. "I wasn't sure how to handle you. I'm still not sure."

  "You seem to be handling me well so far."

  His hand ran across my breasts with a wicked intent as he flicked my nipples to a stand. Fiery sensations in my stomach and even deeper below began to explode at rapid speeds. I started cursing under my breath. He had me on my back in a second with his body hovered over me. His lips ventured along my throat with purpose. It sent another volcanic eruption throughout me. I tilted my head away to prevent him from taking matters any further.

  "I've told you how much that aggravates me," Ethan growled.

  I arched an eyebrow. "It bothers me when you turn me on and then slam on the brakes."

  "Who said anything about doing that?"

  "We have food coming and we aren't done with this conversation yet," I pointed out.

  "Fine," Ethan said as he sat up.

  I did the same but kept a few inches between us. I propped my elbow on the back of the couch and rested my head in my hand. Ethan shifted to me with his hands folded on his chest.

  "I've never felt anything like this before so I'm at a loss at what's right. Sometimes I wonder if what we're doing is wrong. What happens when work becomes a reality again?"

  I swallowed against the lump in my throat that stemmed from the empty pit in my stomach.

  What happens when I step back in his company door and become reminded of the sole reason I ever met this amazing man? What will happen when Ethan knows the truth?