Guarded Dreams

by L. J. Evans

  I fingered the shell and knew that it would be staying there for a very long time, joining us when we couldn’t be joined.

  ♫ ♫ ♫

  The next morning, Eli and I rode with Jenna and Colby to the airport. His flight was leaving just after ours. We were heading in different directions again.

  He waited with us at our gate, and I stayed with him until they called for the last passengers. I turned to him and kissed him, wanting him to feel that, just like Mac Truck hugging him goodbye, I was kissing him goodbye in case we never got a chance to do it again.

  He held me and whispered in my hair, “Again.”

  “I love you,” I responded.

  “I love you more.”

  Then he released me, and I walked down the jetway. I looked back one last time, our parting always reminding me of the view of him in the rearview mirror of my Honda as I’d left Rockport, like I was losing something that I wanted so badly it hurt.

  It never made sense anymore, because we’d both said we weren’t giving up on us. We’d both continued to text and call, but maybe it was just too many endings all at once for me. My heart couldn’t keep up.

  When I got off the plane in Texas, the muggy air hit me. It was muggy in New York often, too, but this muggy felt different, laced with ocean and memories. Some welcome, some not.

  I spent the night with Jenna and Colby in their tiny house in Galveston. It was their starter home, Jenna said. Still, it was filled with pictures of them, and me, and their families. It was full of color and light that Jenna loved. It felt like a home.

  Jenna and I sat together on the porch swing after Colby had gone to bed. The comfort of friends who felt like sisters. My new dream of family had started right there, with her. I just hadn’t realized that I’d already had some to begin with.

  “What’s going on with you and Eli?” Jenna asked as we pushed our feet off the wooden planks to keep the swing moving.

  “I love him. He loves me.”

  “Okay, but what does that mean exactly?”

  “It means that we’re still trying to figure things out. He had his whole world pulled out from under him and is trying to remake that world.”

  “And you? You’ve suddenly got things all figured out?”

  I smiled at her, and I surprised her by pulling her to me in a hug. I was getting so much better at it—hugging—but the people who’d known me longest knew that it was still an unfamiliar movement on my part. “I’ve kind of got this plan of just making a family.”

  “That’s kind of hard to do without Eli…or at least someone, unless you’re planning on visiting the sperm bank.”

  I laughed at her.

  “Not that kind of family. I mean, sure, maybe someday, but that’s not what I mean.”

  She looked at me like I was crazy, and I didn’t blame her.

  “I’d been sending you all those songs about family because my heart was trying to teach my brain a lesson. My heart had already learned it when I was with Eli and his family in New London. I’d learned that family was the most important thing in life. I want that sense of community and camaraderie that I felt there. I want to belong somewhere. To open a door and have people call out your name and come running. To hug you,” my voice wavered on the word hug as I squeezed her again, “and to just be happy you’re there.”

  “Well, then why are you going to Rockport? You have all of that here. With me,” she said, pushing her shoulder into me but not letting me escape the hug that I’d started.

  “It is. You are my family. I’m sorry I didn’t really ever see it before. But I also don’t want to stay in Galveston. So, for right now, I’ll go to Rockport. I’ll work with Andy and Lacey, who have also been my family. I’ll send songs to Brady, who is part of my family, too. And hopefully, once Eli figures out what’s going on with him, we can find a way for both our families to become one.”

  Jenna smiled at me. “That sounds like a really good plan.”

  I nodded because I thought it was, too.

  ♫ ♫ ♫

  The next day, I drove to Rockport. I called Eli on the journey. I knew he was at work, but I missed him, and I wanted him to know that I wasn’t giving up on us. That I was still hoping for that true ending we’d talked about so long ago on his drive to his review board hearing.

  When he answered, he sounded excited for the first time in a long time. He was going into an overnight emergency simulation with a group of first responders. Phil was letting him run with things in a way he hadn’t expected so soon.

  It didn’t surprise me that Phil was relying on him already. Eli was a natural leader. I’d known that the moment I met him and thought he was one of Dad’s collections.

  After he’d talked about what the next twenty-four hours was going to look like for him, I nervously tried to bring up what was in my head.

  “I want to say something.”

  “Okay,” he said, listening, as he always did, to me. As if he was hearing everything I said and didn’t say at the same time—the spoken words and the emotions behind it.

  “Back when we were in New London, you asked me to move in with you, and I told you it wasn’t the right time.”

  “I know. And you were right,; it wasn’t. You’d be stuck in an apartment with Truck, and I love him, but I’m not sure I could handle the thought of you there with him while I was here,” he teased.

  I laughed. “Eli, you are missing my point.”

  “I am? I must be more exhausted than I thought after all the plane rides and time changes to get back to California.”

  “What I’m trying to tell you is that, once you’ve figured out all this stuff with Phil and the new job, I want us to be together.”

  “What about Rockport?” he asked.

  “I love Rockport. I love the house there. But I don’t love any of that as much as I love you.”

  He was quiet for a moment, taking it in.

  “Say it again,” he said quietly.

  “I love you.”

  “Not that part.”

  “I’m confused.”

  “The part about not loving anything as much as me.”

  My heart twisted and soared, and a smile crossed my face. “Doodles, I don’t love anything like I love you.”

  “Thank God,” he said.

  ♫ ♫ ♫

  When I got to the beach house, I stood outside, staring at the turquois color that Eli and Mac Truck had painted it four years before. Emotions swelled through me. Happiness to be here. Happiness that Eli and I were slowly moving toward something, but also a weird sort of melancholy.

  So many endings and so many beginnings all at once.

  I checked the rooms, as I always did, to ensure the rental agency had kept it up as I’d paid them to do, and then I went out on the deck. For the first time in so very long, I climbed up on top of the table and looked out at the sea, trying out my new perspective. The sound of the waves washed over me, feeling like music to my heart.

  I hadn’t lied when I’d told Eli I loved the house. I did. In truth, I could see myself spending my days here, meandering on the beach, swimming, writing along the shore with the sound of the birds in the air. In that vision, I could also see that, when I opened the door, he was here, waiting for me. That may never happen. But I also knew that it was okay. That the most important thing was not where we were but that we would be together.

  I stayed on the deck until I could watch the stars rise up in the sky. My breath caught at the clearness of them here after they’d been hidden away from me for so long in New York. I could almost imagine green and purple streaks shooting their way across the black silkiness. Aurora borealis.

  As I had the thought, a shooting star darted across the darkness, and I made a wish that, somehow, my dream of family and of Eli would find its way home someday soon.

  The next day, I drove into town to see Andy and Lacey and get my normal summer job back. They normally put
me on the live music schedule with Ben and his band. I’d have a place to fill my days while waiting for Eli.

  I was stunned to drive up and find a “For Sale’” sign in the window. They were selling. That made my whole heart flop to the pit of my stomach. For the first time, I truly understood what Eli must have felt like driving up to the same sign in the yard of his family home. It hurt. Not only because I hadn’t known, but because I’d been making plans around these people and the bar. The people I’d thought of as family.

  At midday, the bar had a few locals and some tourists that were eating and drinking in it. It wasn’t packed, but it didn’t look like the business was hurting. I didn’t understand why they were selling.

  Lacey saw me first, her hair that she’d always dyed black was pulled up away from a face that showed a few more wrinkles, but, really, looked the way it always had. Open. Friendly. Relaxed.

  “Ava!” she called, coming around the bar to greet me, and I surprised her by hugging her tight. She hollered toward the kitchen. “Andy, get out here. It’s our Ava girl!”

  My heart warmed at the “our Ava” because I knew that they were part of my family just like I’d told Jenna. Andy appeared from the kitchen, face already wide in an attempted smile as he hustled toward me. While Lacey had looked the same, Andy looked very different. One side of his face wasn’t moving at quite the same speed as the other; his grin was crooked. Plus, he walked funny, with one arm lagging at his side.

  “Ava!” he said, and where we normally just greeted each other with smiles, I hugged him too. What I’d picked up from Eli and his family, I was putting to good use with mine.

  “You up and graduated on us now? You got a record deal yet?” Andy asked, stepping away but with that same lopsided smile on his face.

  “Well, Brady got one, using my songs.”

  “Great Gatsby! That’s awesome!” Lacey cried. “Sit, we’ll pull out some champagne to celebrate.”

  I sat at the bar while Lacey rooted around in the fridge, coming up with a bottle of champagne and several glasses. Andy took a seat at the bar beside me.

  “Congratulations, Ava,” Andy said as we clinked our glasses together and sipped.

  “You’re selling the bar?” I asked after a moment.

  Lacey nodded, but Andy looked unhappy about it. I waited for one of them to explain. It was Lacey that spoke. “The boys are set in their lives in Alaska and California. They aren’t coming back to run this old place. Andy had a stroke in January. We’ve got him back up and going, but it made us both realize that we need to go enjoy ourselves before we can’t.”

  Their boys were way older than me, with families and successful jobs of their own. I could understand them not wanting to drop everything to come back to Texas to run a bar in the middle of nowhere that did more business during the summer than any other time of year.

  Running a bar took time and energy—a lot of it. It hit me. Out of the blue. Like the shooting star from last night. Like the wish I’d made was being answered. A niggle of hope filled me. I had money left. Enough to invest in something that could mean a future even if I never sold another song again.

  I spoke in a rush before I could change my mind. “I don’t know anything about the price of bars. I don’t really know anything about running a bar, but I was coming here to get my normal summer job back. Maybe I could swing buying the place, and you could teach me how to run it?”

  Even as I spoke, my mind was filled with images of Eli and his new job. If I bought a bar, it wouldn’t be something I could walk away from. It would be something that tied me to Texas. I wouldn’t be able to run off and join him wherever he landed, California or otherwise, like I’d told him last night that I would.

  “Well, now…” Andy trailed off, exchanging a look with Lacey—a look I couldn’t exactly read but I was pretty sure held plenty of doubt.

  “Look, I’m not asking for a handout. I have the money from my trust fund.”

  “You should probably think about it,” Lacey said. “Don’t jump before you see.”

  I laughed, because having said I would buy the bar was so like the old me, jumping on top of things. But it felt good to let go of some of the things that had been weighing me down. To act from my heart. But she was right; I did need to think about it. I needed to talk to Eli about it.

  “You’re right. I should think about it,” I responded. “In the meantime, how about I work here with you and learn the business side of it all? That way, I can see if it’s really for me, and you get some help.”

  They exchanged another look, and then Andy stuck out his hand. “It’s a deal, young lady.”

  I gladly shook it, suddenly feeling excited. I couldn’t wait to talk to Eli to see what he thought, to see if he thought this could be a dream that we could make together. If maybe there was a chance that we could build a life together in Rockport.

  Chapter Thirty-one

  Eli

  ONCE IN A LIFETIME

  “Everybody's looking for what we've found

  Some wait their whole lives and it never comes around…

  Just let go of all you've ever known

  And put your hand in mine.”

  —Performed by Keith Urban

  —Written by Shanks / Urban / Urban

  It was close to midnight in Texas, which meant it was only ten in California by the time I heard from Ava. I’d started to worry. Ava had been on her own so long I knew better than to worry, but I couldn’t help it. I loved her, thus I worried.

  “Where’ve you been?” I asked when she FaceTimed me, hoping I didn’t sound accusatory, hoping she heard the worry instead.

  “I was at the Salty Dog with Andy and Lacey,” she told me.

  Images of her on bar tops came unbidden into my head. I didn’t know if I should smile or scowl at the thought. “Were you dancing on the bar again?”

  She smiled at me. “Not tonight.”

  I groaned. “Damn. That means I’m going to have to quit my job and come running over there to rescue you from standing on the bar all over again.”

  “I may have a job for you if you quit yours,” she teased, and my whole body reacted. It felt like it had been months instead of days since I’d held her in my arms.

  “Yeah?” I said while trying to get my body in check.

  She nodded, and then I saw the sky behind her.

  “Wait, are you out on the deck? Are you on the table?” I asked, smiling, loving the thought of her on the table, loving that she’d slowly become a mix of the old Ava and the new Ava.

  She returned my smile and twisted her body so that I got a glimpse of the moon shining on the water behind her, diamonds dancing on the water top.

  “This makes me happy.” I couldn’t keep the pleasure from my voice. I brought myself back to our conversation from before I’d realized where she was. “Sorry. I got sidetracked by this exciting revelation. What job would you have for me in Rockport?”

  The innuendo in my words was unmissable, and she wagged a finger at me in front of the phone’s camera. “Not that job. Well, I mean, you can do that job too, but—”

  I groaned again, burying my head in my hands before looking back up and saying, “You’re killing me.”

  “Get your mind out of the bedroom, Doodles, and listen to my news.”

  She’d taken to calling me Doodles since I’d lost my commission. I think she was afraid to call me oh Captain, my Captain. I sort of missed it. Like I missed my life in the Coast Guard—with the ache of bones that were healing, but not with the pain of the first crack. I had more ahead of me than behind.

  “News?” I asked.

  “What would you think about me buying the Salty Dog?”

  I didn’t know what to respond to first: the thought of her trying to buy a bar at twenty-three, or the fact that her owning one would mean a life tied to Rockport in a way that I wasn’t sure I could make happen for us yet. I was trying to make it happen
, but I hadn’t told her about it because I was afraid to give her false hope.

  I’d wanted to tell her my plan when she’d called the day before and told me that she didn’t love Rockport as much as she loved me. But I was still so afraid of getting both of our hopes up. One of us having hopes get squashed was enough if I couldn’t make it happen.

  “You really want to own a bar?” I finally asked, pulling myself from my own doubts and fears.

  She laughed lightly. It was the lightest laugh I’d heard from her in a very long time. It echoed over the deck and out into the night, joining the crash of the waves on the shore behind her. It was so much better than the melancholy that had been filling us both lately.

  “To be fair, I didn’t know that when I went down there tonight. I was just trying to get my normal summer job back,” she explained.

  “What made the leap from getting a job at a bar to buying a bar?”

  “When I showed up and there was a ‘For Sale’ sign in the window, and Andy was barely moving from the stroke he’d had in January.”

  My heart sank for Andy. For his wife. But I was still trying to figure out why that had turned into buying the bar. “That’s awful. I’m sorry for him. For them. I’m still not getting it, though.”

  “The timing. ‘There is no such thing as an accident; it’s fate misnamed,’” she quoted.

  “Who gave you that one?” I asked as my heart continued to constrict with worry about us and our future. Her quote also made me think of all the times that Ava and I had met in ways that seemed accidental. It would be nice to believe it was fate and not just random chance.

  “Napoleon Bonaparte,” she replied.

  “Didn’t his entire empire crumble at the seams?”

  She laughed. “Yes. I see your point. Do you think it’s a mistake?”

  I shook my head. “No. It’s just a big step.”