by Kate Morton
After the sixth month, Rose stopped coming altogether. Eliza waited in vain on the allotted day, confused, wondering whether she had mistaken the date somehow. But there it was in her diary.
Her first fear was that Rose had taken ill, for surely nothing less would keep her from visiting. When Mary next arrived with her basket of supplies, Eliza pounced.
Mary laid down the basket and set the kettle on the hot plate. Didn’t answer for a time.
‘Mary?’ said Eliza, arching her back to shift the baby who was pressing against her side. ‘You mustn’t try to protect me. If Rose is unwell—’
‘It’s nothing like that, Miss Eliza.’ Mary turned from the range. ‘Only Mrs Walker finds it too distressing to visit.’
‘Distressing?’
Mary didn’t meet Eliza’s eyes. ‘It makes her feel a failure, even more than before. She unable to fall and you looking ripe as a peach. After her visits she returns home and is unwell for days. Won’t see Mr Walker, snaps at the mistress, picks at her food.’
‘Then I look forward to the child’s arrival. When I deliver the baby, when Rose is a mother, then she will forget such feelings.’
And like that, they were back in familiar waters: Mary shaking her head and Eliza defending her decision. ‘It isn’t right, Miss Eliza. A mother can’t just give up her child.’
‘It’s not my child, Mary. It belongs to Rose.’
‘You might feel differently when the time comes.’
‘I won’t.’
‘You don’t know—’
‘I won’t feel differently, because I can’t. I’ve given my word. If I were to change my mind, Rose would never bear it.’
Mary raised her eyebrows.
Eliza forced further determination into her voice. ‘I will hand over the child, and Rose will be happy again. We will be happy together, just as we used to be long ago. Can’t you see, Mary? This child I carry will return my Rose to me.’
Mary smiled sadly. ‘Perhaps you’re right, Miss Eliza,’ she said, though she didn’t sound as if she believed it.
Then, after months in which time seemed to pause, the end arrived. Two weeks earlier than expected. Pain, blinding pain, the body like a piece of machinery creaking to life to do that for which it had been created. Mary, who had recognised the signs of impending birth, made sure she was there to help. Her ma had delivered babies all her life and Mary knew how it was done.
The birth went smoothly and the child was the most beautiful Eliza had ever seen, a little girl with tiny ears pressed neatly against her head and fine pale fingers that startled periodically at the sensation of air passing between them.
Though Mary had been ordered to report to Blackhurst immediately on any sign of the baby’s imminent arrival, she remained silent in the days after. Spoke only to Eliza, urging her to reconsider her part in the dreadful pact. For it wasn’t right, Mary whispered over and again, that a woman be asked to forsake her own child.
For three days and nights, Eliza and the baby were alone together. How strange it was to meet the little person who had lived and grown inside her body. To stroke the tiny hands and feet that she’d grabbed at as they pushed against her stomach from inside. To watch the little lips, pursed as if about to speak. An expression of infinite wisdom, as if, in those first days of life, the small person retained the knowledge of a lifetime just passed.
Then, in the middle of the third night, Mary arrived at the cottage, stood in the doorway and made the dreaded announcement. A visit from Dr Matthews had been arranged for the following night. Mary lowered her voice and clasped Eliza’s hands: if there was any part of her that thought to keep the baby, she must go now. She must take the child and run.
But although the suggestion of escape knotted itself to Eliza’s heart, tugged sharply and willed her to action, she hurriedly untied it. She ignored the sharp ache in her chest, and reassured Mary, as she had before, that she knew her own mind. She looked down at her child one last time, stared and stared at the perfect little face, tried to comprehend that she had made it, that she had done this wonderful thing, until finally the throbbing in her head, her heart, her soul, was unbearable. And then somehow, as if watching herself from afar, she did as she had promised: handed the tiny girl over and allowed her to be taken. Closed the door after Mary, and returned, alone, to the silent, lifeless cottage. And as dawn came to the wintry garden, and the walls of the cottage receded again, Eliza realised that she had never known the black ache of loneliness before.
Though she despised Linus’s man Mansell, had cursed his name when he’d brought Eliza into their lives, Adeline couldn’t dispute that the man knew how to find people. Four days had passed since his dispatch to London, and this afternoon, as she’d pretended to embroider in the morning room, Adeline had been summoned to the telephone.
Mansell, at the other end of the line, was mercifully discreet. One never knew who might be listening on another extension. ‘I telephone, Lady Mountrachet, to let you know that some of the goods you require have now been collected.’
Adeline’s breath caught in her throat. So soon? Anticipation, hope, nerves set her fingertips to tingling. ‘And may I enquire, is it the larger item or the smaller that you have in your possession?’
‘The larger.’
Adeline’s eyelids fell closed. She flattened the relief, the joy, from her voice. ‘And when will you make delivery?’
‘We leave London immediately. I will arrive at Blackhurst tomorrow evening.’
Thus had Adeline waited. Thus was she waiting still. Pacing the Turkish rug, smoothing her skirts, snapping at the servants, as all the while she plotted Eliza’s dispense.
Eliza had agreed never to go near the house and she didn’t. But she watched. And she found that even when she had saved sufficient funds to book passage on a ship, travel to distant lands, something stopped her. It was as if, with the birth of the baby, the anchor Eliza had been seeking all her life had lodged into the earth of Blackhurst.
The child’s pull was magnetic, and so she stayed. But she kept her promise to Rose and avoided the house. Found other places to hide from which to observe. Just as she had as a girl, lying on the shelf in Mrs Swindell’s tiny upstairs room. Watching as the world moved around her and she remained motionless, outside the action.
For with the loss of the child, Eliza found that she had fallen through the centre of her old life, her old self. She had forsaken her birthright and, in the process, forfeited the purpose in her life. She wrote rarely, only one fairytale that she deemed worthy of inclusion in the collection. A story about a young woman who lived alone in a dark wood, who made the wrong decision for the right reason and destroyed herself in the process.
Pale months formed long years, then one summer’s morning in 1913 the book of fairytales arrived from the publisher. Eliza took it inside immediately, tore the packaging to reveal the leather-bound treasure within. She sat in the rocking chair, opened the book and lifted it close to her face. It smelled of fresh ink and binding glue, just like a real book. And there, inside, were her stories, her dear creations. She turned the thick, fresh pages, tale by tale, until she came to ‘The Crone’s Eyes’. She read it through and as she progressed she remembered the strange, vivid dream in the garden, the all-pervasive sense that the child inside her was important to the story.
And Eliza knew suddenly that the child, her child, must possess a copy of the tale, that the two were connected somehow. So she wrapped the book in brown paper, awaited her opportunity, then did what she had promised not to: breached the gate at the end of the maze and approached the house.
Dust motes, hundreds of them, danced in a sliver of sunlight that had appeared between two barrels. The little girl smiled and the Authoress, the cliff, the maze, Mamma, left her thoughts. She held out a finger, tried to catch a speck upon it. Laughed at the way the motes came so close before skirting away.
The noises beyond her hiding spot were changing. The little girl could hear the hubbu
b of movement, voices laced with excitement. She leaned into the veil of light and pressed her face against the cool wood of the barrels. With one eye she looked upon the decks.
Legs and shoes and petticoat hems. The tails of coloured paper streamers flicking this way and that. Wily gulls hunting the decks for crumbs.
A lurch and the huge boat groaned, long and low from deep within its belly. Vibrations passed through the deck boards and into the little girl’s fingertips. A moment of suspension and she found herself holding her breath, palms flat beside her, then the boat heaved, pushed itself away from the dock. The horn bellowed and there was a wave of cheering, cries of ‘Bon voyage!’ They were on their way.
They arrived in London by night. Darkness sagged thick and heavy in the folds of the street as they made their way from the train station towards the river. The little girl was tired—Eliza had had to wake her when they reached their destination—but she didn’t complain. She held Eliza’s hand and followed close to her clipping heels.
That night the two shared a supper of broth and bread in their room. They were both tired from the travel and little was spoken, each merely eyed the other, somewhat curiously, over her spoon. The little girl asked once after her mother and father, but Eliza said only that they would be met at the other end of the voyage. It was an untruth, but it was necessary: time would be required to decide how best to break the news of Rose and Nathaniel’s deaths.
After supper, Ivory fell quickly to sleep on the room’s only bed and Eliza sat in the window seat. She watched alternately the dark street, jostling with busy wayfarers, and the sleeping child, stirring lightly beneath the sheet. As time passed Eliza edged nearer the child, observed the small face at ever closer range, until finally she knelt gently beside the bed, so close that she could feel the girl’s breath in her hair, could count the tiny freckles on the sleeping face. And what a perfect face it was, how glorious the ivory skin and rosebud lips. It was the same face, Eliza realised, the same wise expression, she had gazed upon in the first days of the child’s life. The same face that she had seen so often since in her nightly dreams.
She was gripped then by an urge, a need—a love, she supposed it was—so ferocious, that each grain of her self was infused with certainty. It was as if her own body recognised this child to whom she had given life as readily as she recognised her own hand, her own face in a mirror, her own voice in the dark. As carefully as she could, Eliza lay upon the bed and curled her own body to accommodate the sleeping girl. Just as she had done in another time, another room, against the warm body of her brother Sammy.
Finally, Eliza was home.
On the day the ship was due to leave, Eliza and the girl went early in search of supplies. Eliza purchased a few items of clothing, a hairbrush, and a suitcase in which to house them. At the bottom of the case she tucked an envelope containing some banknotes and a piece of paper advising of Mary’s address in Polperro—it was as well to be safe as sorry. The suitcase was just the right size for a child to carry and Ivory was thrilled. She clutched it tightly as Eliza led her along the crowded dock.
Movement and noise were everywhere: whistling locomotives, billowing steam, cranes lifting baby carriages, bicycles and phonographs on board. Ivory laughed when they passed a procession of bleating goats and sheep being herded into the ship’s hold. She was dressed in the prettiest of the two dresses Eliza had bought for her, and looked quite the part of the wealthy little girl come to see her aunt off on a long sea voyage. When they reached the gangway, Eliza handed her boarding card to the officer.
‘Welcome aboard, madam,’ he said, nodding so that his uniform cap bobbed.
Eliza nodded in return. ‘It’s a pleasure to have passage booked on your splendid ship,’ she said. ‘My niece has been beside herself with excitement for her aunt. Look, she’s even brought her own little pretend case.’
‘You like big boats, do you, miss?’ The officer peered down at the little girl.
Ivory nodded and smiled sweetly, but she said nothing. Just as Eliza had instructed.
‘Officer,’ said Eliza, ‘my brother and sister-in-law are waiting further along the dock.’ She waved into the growing crowd. ‘I don’t suppose you’d mind if I take my little niece on board for a minute to show her my cabin?’
The officer glanced at the line of passengers now snaked along the dock.
‘We shan’t be long,’ said Eliza. ‘Only it would mean so very much to the child.’
‘I’d say it should be all right,’ he said. ‘Just be sure and bring her back.’ He winked at Ivory. ‘I’ve a feeling her parents would miss her if she left home without them.’
Eliza took Ivory’s hand and headed up the gangway.
There were people everywhere, busy voices, splashing water, foghorns. The ship’s orchestra played a jaunty tune on deck, while chambermaids scurried in all directions, post boys delivered telegrams and self-important bellboys carried chocolates and gifts for the departing passengers.
But Eliza didn’t follow the chief steward inside the ship; instead she led Ivory along the deck, stopping only when they reached a set of wooden barrels. Eliza ushered the girl behind them, and crouched so that her skirts draped across the decking. The little girl was distracted, she had never seen such activity, and was moving her head about, this way and that.
‘You must wait here,’ said Eliza. ‘It isn’t safe to move. I’ll be back soon.’ She hesitated, glanced skyward. Gulls were skimming overhead, black eyes watchful. ‘Wait for me, do you hear?’
The little girl nodded.
‘You know how to hide?’
‘Of course.’
‘It’s a game we’re playing.’ As Eliza said the words, Sammy appeared inside her mind and her skin cooled.
‘I like games.’
Eliza pushed the image aside. This little girl wasn’t Sammy. They weren’t playing the Ripper. Everything would be well. ‘I’ll come back for you.’
‘Where are you going?’
‘There’s someone I have to see. Something I have to collect before the ship leaves.’
‘What is it?’
‘My past,’ she said. ‘My future.’ She smiled briefly. ‘My family.’
As the carriage hurtled towards Blackhurst, Eliza’s fog began to lift. Awareness seeped slowly: a rocking motion, the muddy thud of hooves, a musty smell.
She cracked open her eyes, blinked. Black shadows dissolved into patches of dusty light. A swooning sensation as her vision focused.
There was someone with her, a man sitting opposite. His head was tilted against the leather seat and a slight snore flecked his steady inhalations. He had a bushy moustache, and a pair of armless spectacles perched on the bridge of his nose.
Eliza drew breath. She was twelve years old, being dragged from all she knew towards the unknown future. Locked in a carriage with Mother’s Bad Man. Mansell.
And yet . . . it didn’t feel quite right. There was something she was forgetting, a dark humming cloud on the edge of her mind. Something important, something she had to do.
She gasped. Where was Sammy? He should be with her, he was hers to protect—
Horses’ hooves, thudding on the ground outside. The sound made her frightened, ill, though she knew not why. The dark cloud began to swirl. It was coming closer.
Eliza’s gaze dropped to her skirt, her hands folded on her lap. Her hands, and yet surely not hers at all.
Bright light broke through a hole in the cloud: she wasn’t twelve at all, she was a grown woman—
But what had happened? Where was she? Why was she with Mansell?
A cottage on a cliff, a garden, the sea . . .
Her breaths were louder now, sharp in her throat.
A woman, a man, a baby . . .
Free-floating panic plucked at her skin.
More light . . . the cloud was fading, coming apart . . .
Words, snatches of meaning: Maryborough . . . a ship . . . a child, not Sammy, a little girl . . .
The little girl was hers.
Clarity, so bright it burned: her daughter was alone on a departing ship.
Panic infused her every pore. Her pulse hammered in her temples. She needed to get away, get back.
Eliza glanced sideways at the door.
The carriage travelled quickly but she didn’t care. The ship left dock today and the little girl was on it. The child, her child, all alone.
Chest aching, head thumping, Eliza reached out.
Mansell stirred. His bleary eyes opened, focused quickly on Eliza’s arm, the handle beneath her fingers.
A cruel smile began to form on his lips.
She gripped the lever: he lunged to stop her, but Eliza was faster. Her need was greater, after all.
And she was falling, the cage door had opened and she fell, fell, fell towards the cold dark earth. Time folded over on itself: all moments were one, past was present was future. Eliza didn’t close her eyes, she watched the earth coming closer, the smell of mud, grass, hope—
—and she was flying, wings outstretched across the surface of the ground, and higher now, on the current of the breeze, her face cool, her mind clear. And Eliza knew where she was going. Flying towards her daughter, towards Ivory. The person she had spent a lifetime seeking, her other half. She was whole at last, heading towards home.
49
Cliff Cottage, 2005
Finally, she was in the garden again. Between the bad weather, Ruby’s arrival, and the visit to Clara’s house, it had been days since Cassandra had been able to slip beneath the wall. She’d been subject to an odd restlessness that had only now dissipated. It was strange, she thought, easing a glove onto her right hand: she’d never considered herself much of a gardener, but this place was different. She felt compelled to return, to plunge her hands into the earth and bring the garden back to life. Cassandra paused as she straightened the fingers of the other glove, noticed again the band of white skin around her finger, second from the left.