“I know.” I peeled back the blanket and crawled in.
“Goodnight, my son,” she murmured, swiping her palm across the top of my head. Rolling on my side to face the wall, I listened to her flit around the room.
I woke up to my mum rubbing my back. I groaned and stayed facing the wall, having no desire to face the world.
“Henry, come on. Get up and clean up, then we’ll go get breakfast.”
Breakfast? I must’ve passed out. I rubbed my sandpapered lids with my thumb and forefinger. “I’m not hungry,” I mumbled through my dry tongue.
“Nonsense. Just get up and get moving,” she said, tugging on my arm.
I swatted her away. “For fuck’s sake, give me a minute.”
While lying there, trying to will my legs to move, a thought popped into my head… I was going to talk to my wife. Maybe I could get on my knees, apologize, beg for her forgiveness. I didn’t care about humiliating myself. I was nothing without her and needed her in my arms.
Once I was able to crawl out of bed, I grabbed my stuff and walked into the loo. My reflection in the mirror made me snarl. The urge to shatter it with my fist was strong. Control… Need to find control. I snatched the water bottle off the sink basin, poured the room temperature liquid into my palm, and splashed it on my face. After a quick brushing of my teeth, I dressed.
When I walked out, I tossed my clothing and supplies on the chair. Pausing mid-stride, I had the urge to go back and rearranged them properly, but more important matters needed attention.
I needed to get my wife back…again. Christ, it was a reoccurrence, leaving me empty and volatile. I stalked to the door.
“What are you doing?” Mum asked.
“Don’t worry about it.” I walked out and didn’t look back.
My throat closed up as I stood outside our door. I leaned against the wall, having no idea what to say. Groveling seemed like the best idea. Elaina needed to understand how much she meant to me. Then our baby… If she didn’t allow me in his or her life, I might as well go out back and put a bullet in my head.
Manning up, I found my bollocks and returned to face the door, ready to do whatever it took to get my wife back. One thing I knew for sure. If I picked the lock and barged in, she would hate me even more.
The exercise of self-control would drain me.
Chapter 4
Deep in thought, James sat in the cafeteria, staring out the window. Since Quinn’s death, he had been living in near silence. With nothing to say to make the situation better, he figured keeping his mouth shut was best. He lost his entire family because of his own selfishness, having a constant reminder every time he saw Gunther with Grey.
There wasn’t much of anything tying James to the school. He and Savannah weren’t a couple. In fact, the only thing between them was sex. When they found each other, James was on his own, and Savannah and Josiah were scavenging in the same neighborhood. They decided to travel together. Moving from place to place, they found Eden and Farren sickly and hungry. Once nursed back to health, the group continued to travel north, eventually meeting up with Chris and Jake.
Savannah walked into the cafeteria and, for a moment, watched James. With a shake of her head and a shift of her hips, she headed toward him, interrupting James’ focus on what seemed like nothing. “What are you thinking about?”
“Maybe getting out of here,” he mumbled.
“Umm… Why?” she asked, sitting. “We have food, a source of water, and shelter.”
He looked at her. “We?”
“I thought we were travel companions.”
“Things change, Savannah. Don’t you ever wonder if there may be something more out there? We haven’t seen any undeads in a while.”
“No, not really. My home is gone. My brother is gone. This school and the people in it are all that’s left for me.”
“I feel like I need to get out of here. This place… It’s just…”
“Hard to deal with your feelings because of Quinn’s lingering presence?”
James twisted in the chair and faced her. “Yeah.”
“I know you think about her a lot. I’m sure seeing her son with Gunther doesn’t help much.”
“Thanks for the reminder.” He sighed.
“At least you can now be in the same room as Gunther without him trying to kick your ass.”
“Yeah, that’s wonderful,” he muttered.
“Look, I know we don’t love each other and, given the opportunity, I know you would run off with another woman, but after all we’ve been through together, we’re like a family. You should really try to behave that way.”
“Why?” he scoffed. “I bear no responsibility to you, Eden, Farren, Jake, or Chris. I got you to safety.”
“And you did it all on your own.” Savannah rolled her eyes. “It’s time to change, James. You can do it in honor of what you’ve lost. Look at me. I’ve changed somewhat. I know Josiah would be proud of how I have been acting lately.”
“Yeah, you’re a saint, Savannah.”
“Don’t be a jackass. Stop sulking and being miserable and…dare I say it…be a father to Eden and Farren, and maybe we could give us a real try instead of just fucking.”
“Why do you care so much about what I do or how I behave?”
She rested her elbows on the table and took his hands. “Deep down, I know you have it in you to be a better man. You must’ve been at one time. I can’t imagine Quinn would’ve married you if you were like…” She paused, let go of his hands, and gestured toward him, “this.”
His gaze shifted to the doorway as Gunther, Grey, and Elaina came in.
“Just perfect,” he muttered.
“James, some good can come from her death.”
He crossed his arms over his chest. “I don’t know about that.”
“Give it some thought.”
“Yeah. I’ll think about it,” he muttered.
They watched Elaina take the table right behind them…swollen eyes, her face drawn tight, her body sagging.
Savannah leaned close to James and whispered, “I wonder what her problem is.”
“Who cares?” he asked, finishing with a sigh.
The light knock on the door made Elaina’s heart stop. It had to be Henry. She braced for more drama, knowing she needed to be strong for herself and her baby. Under no circumstances could she allow his behavior to slide. He needed to right the situation before there could be any thought about the three of them.
“Elaina… Can I come in? I need to talk to you.” His mournful voice came through the door and caused another crying jag. She held her hands over her mouth in an effort to muffle the sounds so he wouldn’t hear and kick the door in. He knocked again. “Elaina, please…” The crack in his voice damn near made her run right into his awaiting arms.
Unable to control herself, Elaina crept to the door. She was drawn to it. To his voice. To his utter sadness. To him. She had to be strong. That was the only way to handle Henry.
“Love, please… I beg you. Open the door.”
Elaina leaned against the door, her forehead pressed to it, her palms flattened against the chilled two inches of wood separating them. His agony pushed through, making her ache. Hope lingered that he could feel her pain, as well. If he didn’t, there may be nothing left for them.
“Elaina…please.” A light thud sounded through the door just above her face. He must have laid his forehead against it, too. “I love you so much,” he whimpered. “More than you can ever understand.”
As she whispered her undying love for him, he walked away. She turned her back to the door, sliding down to the floor, sobbing until every muscle ached.
I blew through my mother’s door, making her jump from the bed. She stared at me, assessing my distress, before she asked, “Didn’t go well?” The steady pacing and mumbling must’ve given me away.
I stopped and glared at her. “She won’t answer the fucking door.”
What little control I had
left vanished. I kicked a chair, then picked up the small desk. Just before I threw it across the room, my mum shouted, “Henry! Put it down!” She hugged her body and took a step back. Surely, my behavior reminded her of my asshole father. “Just calm down.” She swallowed hard, shook herself free from the fear, and walked toward me. A steady tremble coursed through my body. I set the desk down and pulled on my hair. “Listen to me. You have to calm down. I don’t like when your temper gets out of control like this.”
“You don’t get it,” I barked.
“Try me, son.”
It amazed me how she was able to calm herself. For fuck’s sake, I was losing my wife. There was no time to be composed! Panic was the only way to handle the situation.
“I’m as good as dead without her! And the baby… What do I do if she won’t let me see the baby? She can’t take the baby away from me, can she? Mum, please tell me she can’t take the baby away!”
“Henry, take a deep breath.” I swallowed hard. Nope. Not happening. No air would move through my lungs. “No one said your relationship is officially over, nor do I imagine she would take the baby away from you. She knows how much you love the both of them.” My eyes filled with tears. “Henry, you will work things out. She just needs time, okay?” I nodded and tipped my face toward the ceiling, trying to keep the tears at bay. So unsuccessful… Just like everything else. “You’re a great man, and I’m confident you can persevere,” she murmured, watching my struggle.
If she only knew all the terrible things going on in my head. “I’m not, Mum. I’m so fucking not the man you think I am. I need to talk to Gunther.”
“Henry, don’t push it.” She grabbed my arm, but I shook her off before storming out.
I rushed down to his room and pounded on the door. As soon as it swung open, Gunther asked, “Mate, how are you?”
“Been better.” I shifted my weight and rubbed my hands over my head. “Listen, can you check on her for me? She isn’t coming the door. I’m worried. She needs to get some food into her if she hasn’t yet. Can you talk her into going to breakfast?”
Our gazes locked and he must have read my desperation.
“Yeah, let me get Grey and I’ll check on her.” I nodded, looking down and placing one hand on my hip, jamming my other thumb and forefinger into my eyes. He clasped his big hand around my shoulder. “Give her some time, mate.”
“I feel like I’ve run out of time,” I mumbled, turning on my heels to head back toward my mother’s room.
Elaina was clueless as to how much time she spent on the floor, but it was plenty of time to excessively contemplate.
The heavy fist pounding on the door rattled her body. “Elaina! You in there?” She sighed, wishing people would just leave her alone. She needed to cry and mourn her lost relationship. “Elaina?”
Annoyed, she snapped, “What, Gunther?”
“Come out to eat.”
“I’m not hungry,” she muttered, knowing Henry put him up to it.
“Elaina…”
She sighed. “Are you alone?”
“He’s not with me, if that’s what you’re asking.”
Elaina stood, unlocked the door, and cracked it open. Grey squealed and reached for her. She couldn’t help but smile. “How are you, little mister?” She kissed him on the cheek, making him squeal again.
“You all right to carry this little load?” She nodded. “Come on. You need to eat breakfast.”
A door opened down the hall behind them. Naturally, Elaina turned. Henry peered out and their gazes locked. With her heart thundering in her chest, she turned back around and continued down the hall, Gunther by her side.
The door slammed so hard, Elaina sucked in a sharp breath.
“You okay?” She shook her head. Gunther grabbed Grey out of her arms, making him start to fuss. “Shhh… It’s all right. Aunt Elaina isn’t feeling well,” he murmured, rubbing Grey’s back, calming him.
Once escorted into the cafeteria, Elaina sat at the table furthest away from the door and positioned her back to it, not wanting to see Henry when he came in. It was inevitable… She knew he would stalk her to no end.
Cora stopped by Elaina’s table to bring her water and a bite to eat. She appreciated the gesture, but there was no way anything would settle in her knotted stomach. Staring out the window seemed like a better option than a stale cracker. She pushed the needed nourishment aside.
If Henry was out of her life, she was sure to waste away.
I ran my hand through my hair. “I asked Gunther to check on her.”
“Do you think that was a good idea? She needs time to think and deal with what happened.”
The sound of Gunther’s knock and voice reverberated off the walls. My nerves fired up, every breath hitching in my throat. The need to know was too powerful to suppress.
I opened the door and looked out, locking eyes with the love of my life… So beautiful. When she turned her back to me, I wanted to slit my own throat. I couldn’t handle the feeling of loss.
After I slammed the door shut, I felt my mum’s gentle touch on my back. “Come on. Let’s go eat.”
“I’m not hungry,” I muttered.
“Hungry or not, you are going. Now move.” She shoved me just enough to make me take a step. I opened the door again and strode out. One step at a time, the world crushed in on me.
“Mum, I can’t. What if everyone knows?” I whispered.
“Don’t worry about them. Your personal life is none of their business.” She pushed me into the cafeteria.
I stumbled in and looked around at everybody milling about. I wondered how many people knew about my illicit affair with vodka, and Elaina throwing my twat ass out. Scanning the room, she sat alone by the windows, sagging in the chair with her chin propped on her hands. I ached to hold her and feel her warmth pressed against me. I wanted to touch her stomach and hope our baby could feel my love.
“Sit and I’ll get you something,” Mum murmured, directing me to a chair.
“I’m not hungry,” I bit out again. Arms crossed at my chest, I stood against the wall and stared at Elaina’s back.
“Henry, you have to eat,” she insisted.
“Is she?” I whispered.
“I don’t know.”
The panic rose once again. “She has to eat. When she gets upset, she doesn’t eat.”
“Okay, if you sit your arse down, I will go check on her.” She grabbed my arm and tugged me to a seat.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Gunther grab Jake and pull him aside. I tuned in to their quick conversation.
“Listen, don’t say anything about yesterday to anyone,” Gunther murmured.
“Yeah, no problem,” Jake said. “I haven’t yet. Not my business and I don’t spread gossip.”
I felt a bit of relief my secret was safe, but the others would no doubt start chatting it up when they noticed Elaina and me sitting separately.
Then Gunther added, “Just keep it locked up.”
“Of course,” Jake said.
Gunther patted me on the back as he walked past. I really appreciated what he did for me, even though I didn’t deserve his compassion. My mum brought me a bottle of water and a package of whatever disgusting food she could find, but I didn’t care what it was because I wouldn’t be eating it.
Intently, I watched as she walked to Elaina. She pulled out a chair and sat next to her. It was all I could do to keep my ass seated. I stared at her like a lovesick puppy. Sure as fuck, that’s what I was.
Elaina didn’t move, but I heard the raspy murmur of her voice. What I wouldn’t give to hear her whisper in my ear. I would have even appreciated one of her snarky comments. My mum glanced at me and slightly shook her head, then stood, rubbed Elaina’s shoulder, and headed back to me.
“I’m going over there,” I growled.
“Son, don’t push it. Give her time.”
I didn’t care. I wanted to tell her to eat.
Out of the chair and taking a
few long strides, I reached her. My stiff, chilled presence made her shudder. She didn’t want to acknowledge me, so I pulled out a chair and plopped my ass down.
“You need to eat,” I demanded under my breath. She looked down at her lap for a moment, twisting her rings around her fingers, then stood and pushed in her chair. “Elaina, please. If not for you, do it for our baby.” As fast as she could, Elaina tried to move away from me.
No response, leaving me feeling alone. So fucking alone and empty…certain death.
Then anger ripped through my body and I was unable to control it. I slammed my fist on the table and stood in haste. The chair scraped ridiculously loudly across the floor in the glaring silence as I slammed it back into the table. A few people glanced in my direction.
My heart raced as she made her escape. “Elaina!” I yelled.
“Gunther, grab him before he does something he regrets,” Cora worried.
“Henry,” Gunther called out sternly, passing Grey off to Cora.
“Leave me the fuck alone,” I barked. “Elaina!” She continued away from me, not even looking back.
“Mate, listen…” Gunther stepped in front of me, crossing his arms over his massive chest. “She needs some air. Give her time.” I shoved Gunther, not moving him, and he cocked his head. “Now, don’t be like that.”
Ready to brawl, I would’ve taken on a fucking army. For the only time since this whole thing started, I wished there were undeads around so I could take my anger out on them. Living dangerously, I shoved him again, knowing could kill me in one move. Bloody hell, maybe it was what I wanted.
“What are you going to do? Kick my ass? Go for it! You’ve done it enough in the past! I probably wouldn’t even feel it! I don’t give a shit about anything but her and our baby!”
“Henry, come on.” My mum grabbed my arm. “Go work it off in the gym.”
I shook her off and clutched my fist to my chest. “I could never work this off.”
“I know, son. I know it hurts.”
“Why won’t she even talk to me?”
Oh god. The fact she wouldn’t even acknowledge me hurt so fucking badly. I was her husband… Her lover… Her protector. And there I was with a pathetic strain in my voice I wished no one heard.
Blind Faith (Shattered Lives, Book Four) Page 4