While Gunther was standing in the middle of the gym, discussing ideas with the contractor, Elaina and I were picking out paint colors and flooring.
I was on edge. More so than usual. I had a rough night with Nicky and an even rougher night with my demons, but I was doing my best to stay afloat.
“I’m thinking you should go light. Make the space open like Geoff’s was,” Elaina said, bringing the light-colored sample of flooring back to the top of the stack.
“I don’t want it like Geoff’s, Elaina. This is ours.” My choices were reflecting what was going on in my head.
“I get that, lover, but people like bright, cheery places…especially now.” I sighed. “Henry, black floors are not your style.”
“What’s going on?” Gunther asked as he walked over. He saw the piece of black flooring in my hand. “You thinking about black?” he asked with attitude.
“You know what? How about you both choose what you want and I’ll ride the wave, supplying more cash on an as needed basis.” When I stormed away, I felt their gazes burning through me as I pushed through the glass doors and stalked outside.
Elaina grumbled something under her breath.
Confused, Gunther stood motionless, rubbing his head. “What’s going on with him?”
“I don’t know, but I’m worried. He’s been short with me lately, not eating well, sleeps less than he normally does, and we haven’t had sex in forever. I know he’s keeping shit from me. I just hope he isn’t drinking again. I’ve been letting it slide and not mentioning anything to him.”
“Yeah, he’s been acting more off than usual, but I don’t think he’s drinking again.”
“So help him if he is.” Elaina shook her head. “Anyway, he wants to go all black…walls and flooring.”
“Hmm… I don’t know about that. I was thinking clean and open. Bright. Right now, no one wants to go to a place that’s dark.”
Elaina slapped him on the arm. “Exactly! That’s what I told him.”
“Let me go talk to him,” Gunther said, rubbing his arm. He left Elaina with her thoughts and headed outside.
From a parking lot across the street from the gym, Xander watched Luke shove through the doors and pace the sidewalk. He recorded his every move on several forms of media. From paper to digital, it was all there, just as Erik requested. He also instructed him to monitor Luke’s emotional well-being because Erik needed to know the right time to approach.
The chamber was ready. The antiserum was ready. Erik just needed that one last detail… Luke.
The phone vibrated in Xander’s jacket pocket. He dug in and answered as he watched Luke.
“What’s up, Carlson?”
“How is everything going?”
“Been doing my job. I planned on emailing all my latest finds and pictures this evening.”
“Excellent.”
“He seems to be acting, umm…a little tweaky? Yesterday, he was out in his backyard doing pull-ups on a tree branch, grumbling to himself. He doesn’t seem mentally stable. All the interactions he has had lately have been far from normal. Sometimes I see him out on the porch in the middle of night, staring at nothing.”
“Very interesting. How about Gunther?”
“Those two are like two peas in a pod. However, he seems more relaxed and less on edge, which is odd considering he has a new house, new business, and a new baby.”
“Oh? I wish I had more subjects to note whether this tweaky behavior, as you put it, is virus-related or not. When they were here, everyone was always aggressive, but I considered that an environmental influence. Maybe it was the difference of a donation. Just keep observing and reporting back.”
“Of course.”
“I wired more money to your account.”
Gunther came out the door, looking around.
“Perfect. Got to run. I will be contacting you later.” Xander hung up, not waiting for Erik to say goodbye. There was something unfolding between the two and he wanted to watch. He opened the camera app on his phone and began filming the scene.
I paced the sidewalk, scrubbed my face, feeling the sharp stubble, and tugged at my clothes. I felt confined, itchy, and like the air was leaving my body, not able to make its way back in.
You won’t succeed. You will fuck this up as you do everything else.
“Shut up,” I growled.
Don’t fight the failure. Embrace it, Liam!
“I’m not going to fail.”
You sure about that? You are a failure. Take a hard look at yourself.
I stopped in front of the windows and peeked at my reflection. The circles under my eyes were dark gray, I was paler than normal, and I had lost weight again. My sunken cheeks were proof of that. The reflection disgusted me, and I couldn’t look at myself for another second. I paced down to the brick front and leaned against it.
The door pushed open and Gunther came out, heading in my direction. “Great,” I muttered. I turned my head so I didn’t have to look at him.
“What’s going on in that melon of yours, mate?”
“Don’t worry about it.”
“You’re my friend and business partner. I need to worry about your well-being, just as you need to worry about mine.” I shook my head. “Henry, talk to me.” He put his hands on his hips. “She’s worried you’re drinking again.”
That pissed me off. “Why is it every time I see the dark side of things, everyone thinks I’m drinking? Why can’t anyone just understand I’m a fuck up and I like to wallow in it once in a-fucking-while?”
“Mate…”
“Fuck you.” I stormed away and headed toward my bike.
“Don’t you fucking dare walk away from me!” He grabbed me by the shoulder and spun me around. I stepped into him. “Don’t. It won’t end pretty if you do,” he warned.
“That’s just what I need. My wife thinking I’m drinking again…and you, my best mate, agreeing with her.”
“I didn’t say I agreed with her. If you want to know the truth, I told her I didn’t believe you were! So stand down, you tosspot, before you regret getting in my fucking face.” I swallowed my pride and stepped back. “Thank you. Now, tell me what the hell is going on.”
I couldn’t look at him. “Nothing to worry about. I’m just having a rough time lately.”
“With…?”
“Life, okay? I’m just having a hard time with it all.”
“Have you talked to Elaina about how you feel?”
“No! She doesn’t need to worry about me on top of Nicky and everything else.”
“Newsflash… She’s already worried and knows something’s up.”
“She’s worried if I’m drinking. Not worried if there’s a problem.”
“Not the case, mate. She said she has been letting it slide and not mentioning your weight loss or behavior.”
“Just leave me alone.” I turned and headed to my bike again.
“What are you? Five? You’re just going to run away instead of facing your issues?!” he shouted.
Not looking back, I flipped him off. He cussed up a storm, huffing back into the gym. I straddled my bike, cranked it up, and burned out of the parking lot.
It was close to an hour-and-a-half later when the front door slammed. I was lying in our bed with the curtains pulled shut to keep out any light.
“Shit,” I whispered. Judging by the stomping up the stairs, I knew it had to be Elaina.
The bedroom door flew open and bounced against the wall, rattling everything on the dresser next to it.
“You care to tell me why the fuck you left me there?” I rolled over on my side and faced the wall. “I swear to Christ, Henry… If you’re drinking-”
I leapt out of bed and stormed up to her, getting in her face. “Why is it every time I’m dealing with some mental bullshit, you accuse me of drinking?! Why?!”
She stabbed her finger in my chest. “Because that is your pattern.”
“Think about it! If I’m not at the gym
, I’m with you or working on the house. Where would I find the time to drink?”
“You found time before and we were together twenty-four/seven!”
“You know what? Fuck you, Elaina. I’m not going to stand here and take this shit from you.” I tried to push past her.
“You are not running away from this.” She planted herself in front of the door, slamming it shut.
“You don’t think I can move your bitch ass?”
“Try it, asshole,” she growled, standing her ground. Pushing her any further would result in a punch to my face. Shoving my hand through my hair, I paced to the window. “Henry, I am worried about you. I haven’t asked because I know how you can get. You’re losing weight, you aren’t sleeping, you’re tweaky… What the fuck am I supposed to think?”
“I don’t know,” I muttered.
She moved closer, but still kept her distance, knowing how explosive I could get. It made me wonder if she had an underlying fear of me. Admittedly, I was afraid of myself.
“Henry, we haven’t made love in a long time. That’s not like you. Even when I give you a donation, you avoid me like the plague.” That did it. I shut down, tears pouring from eyes. I covered my face in an ill attempt to hide it. “Talk to me,” she coaxed.
“My demons are back,” I whispered.
“Oh god, Henry…” She grabbed me and guided me to the bed. “When did they start again?”
“A while ago. Before Gunther bought his house.”
“And you’re just telling me now?!”
“What do you want me to do?! I’m embarrassed about it! I’m such a fucking mess with or without booze. With or without you. With or without stability. I hate myself, Elaina. I fucking hate everything about myself. I’m so tired of living like this. I’m just going through the motions, pretending everything is fantastic, but I’m shattering on the inside.” The sobs rattled me hard and made my stomach twist into knots, feeling like I would vomit.
She tried to embrace me, but I pulled away. “Henry, let me hold and love you through this.”
“I’m not worthy of your love, hence why I haven’t tried to be with you. I’m not worthy to be in your company. You, Nicky, and my mum deserve so much more than what I can give.”
“Don’t say that. You are worthy of all of us and so much more.”
“Elaina, how am I going to be a good father to Nicky like this? I worry for his welfare around me.”
“You are an amazing father to him. Who gets him to go back to sleep at night when he wakes?”
“Me,” I whispered.
“That’s right. You. He loves his daddy.”
“He doesn’t know who I am. I’m just some guy who rocks and snuggles him when he needs it.”
“That’s not true!” she snapped. “He knows you. Smiles when he sees you. Searches for you when he hears your voice.”
“Whatever, Elaina. Someone could move right in here and take my place, and he wouldn’t think twice about it.”
“Henry, stop!” She started to cry. “Why are you doing this?”
“Why am I doing what? Spewing the truth of our reality? You think I’m acting like this on purpose?”
“I don’t know. You need to get help.”
“There’s no help for me,” I muttered and lay back on the bed.
She shifted to face me. “I love you so much and hate that you feel this way about yourself.” I rolled on my side and faced the wall again. “Henry…” She rested a hand on my shoulder, but I shrugged her off.
“Just leave me alone for a while. If you need me, I’ll be right here.”
“Henry…”
With no response from me, the mattress lifted as she rose. A slight creak echoed in the heavy silence as she walked across the floor, then slammed the door.
Covering my face, I groaned. I had ruined everything.
Elaina jogged down the stairs, Anne standing at the bottom. They exchanged a somber look, then Anne reached out and pulled her into a hug.
“I’m sorry you had to witness that,” Elaina said into her shoulder.
“I didn’t realize he was home. Nicky and I were napping in my room.”
Elaina stepped out of her embrace and wiped the tears from her face. With a sniffle, she said, “I’m so worried about him. He just doesn’t understand I want to be there in this fight with him. I vowed to battle beside him and this is exactly the war with which he needs help. He could fight the undeads all day long. It’s the shit in his head he can’t handle.”
“The tone in his voice… I will be frank and say it scares me. It brings back memories I would prefer stay tucked away.”
Pursing her lips, Elaina’s legs wobbled and she decided she needed to sit. After dropping to the bottom stair, Anne sat right next to her. “You don’t think he’s turning into Roger, do you?”
“I don’t know, but he has similar anger issues that I fear will get out of control.”
Elaina clutched her stomach. “I feel sick.”
“I’m sorry to frighten you, sweetheart.” Anne rubbed Elaina’s back. “He has so much good in his heart. I don’t foresee him hurting you as Roger did me, but you should know the pattern is comparable.”
“That’s his worst fear. I wish he never found out.”
“It may have been best, but we cannot undo it.”
“I know,” Elaina whispered.
The bedroom door opened, and both Elaina and Anne glanced over their shoulders. From the top of the stairs, Henry glared at them, grumbled something unintelligible, then ducked back into the room, slamming the door behind him.
The next few days I spent lying about, feeling sorry for myself. The only thing that got me out of bed was Elaina plopping Nicky on my chest and saying she and my mum were going out for a couple hours. I had a sneaking suspicion they did it on purpose.
When they came back, I was standing in the kitchen, brewing a pot of coffee.
“Well, look who’s up,” Mum said, putting a sack of groceries on the counter. I grunted a reply, then leaned over and watched the coffee drip into the carafe. “Where’s Nicky?”
“He was cranky from his teeth coming in, so I gave him some medicine and laid him down.”
Elaina came into the kitchen and placed a few more sacks down. “Glad to see you’re out of bed.” She kissed my cheek, then began to put things away. My focus stayed on the coffee. “Oh! You won’t believe what they had new in the store this week.”
The plastic of a clamshell packaging crinkled as she slid it to me. Curious, I glanced at it. “Cake… Cool.” I turned back to the coffee maker.
“Henry, look at the label.”
I sighed and looked again. “Wait? Gemelli’s?”
Elaina yelled in excitement. “I know!”
“They’re…?”
“Sadly, no. I talked to the woman in the bakery when I saw this in the case. She said their son survived and he leases out the kitchen a few hours each morning to make cakes and cookies to sell in the cases.”
“Cool.” I poured a cup of coffee and watched her put the groceries away.
“Well, I can’t wait to get a taste of it. Looks delicious,” Mum added.
My eyes watched Elaina’s arm. Every movement was untamed, imprecise. She was just grabbing the can, shoving it in the cabinet while talking to my mum. I couldn’t hear what they were saying, as if their voices were coming through the walls.
A shudder wracked my body. I couldn’t take my eyes off her careless movements as if it didn’t matter.
The urge struck when the whispers in my ears told me to fix the wrong. I licked my dry lips and cranked my neck to either side.
The cans weren’t facing the same direction. All haphazard on the shelves… Beans with tomatoes… I fought and fought, but to no avail. I nudged Elaina out of the way and began sorting the cans by product type and size, turning the labels in the same direction.
With precision, my hands ran over the cans, adjusting and turning, then pulling them all out of t
he cabinet and putting them back in again.
On the third pass, Elaina’s voice was clear in my ears. “Henry.” She touched my arm, but I shook her off.
“Just a sec. I just have to fix this.”
“Henry, stop.”
“No, it’s not right. Elaina, you can’t put black beans with crushed tomatoes. And the labels… Shit, this label is crooked.” My hand tremored when I ran my fingertips over the label. “How could a machine put a label on crooked?” Disgusted, I pushed it aside.
“Henry…” She grabbed my hand. “Take a step back and breathe. Check yourself. You need to realize what you’re doing.”
“I do realize. You were putting them away all wrong and my demons were telling me to fix them.”
A pair of slight hands touched my corded shoulders as they worked. “Son, let’s go sit at the table and have coffee. We’ll get forks and nibble on the cake.”
“After I fix-”
“Henry! Stop!” Startled, I looked at Elaina. Tears welled when I saw the pain in her eyes.
“Oh god, Elaina. It’s happening again,” I whispered. “I can’t control it.”
“It’s okay, lover.” She wiped away the tears tracking down my cheeks.
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. We’ll find someone you can talk to. Okay?”
“Yeah… Yeah. I think that’s a good idea.”
She turned my shoulders and embraced me. My mum stood off to the side, tears pouring down her face.
I was a fucking wreck…and it was hurting everyone in my life.
Chapter 36
With a steaming cup of coffee in hand, Gunther sat at the desk in his bedroom, looking for a little peace. With trying to get the gym together, then coming home to all the kids vying for his undivided attention, he needed a moment to himself.
He got to thinking about Josie and wondered what she was up to. Searching through the drawers, he found a pad of paper and a pen.
Hullo lass,
I hope all is well for you. Things are going pretty well up here in NY. It became cramped living with Henry, so I bought the house next door. The same day we moved in, Cora gave birth to my little lass, Everette. She’s beautiful with her blonde curls and blue eyes. Looks like her mum. I adore having another daughter to dote on. She already has me wrapped around her little finger.
Blind Faith (Shattered Lives, Book Four) Page 32